To not constantly be worrying about my children?

[evegettinglighter]

As babies, I wasn’t overcome with anxiety if someone looked in the pram and breathed near them. I sent them to nursery three days a week after a happy maternity leave and wasn’t overcome with anxiousness about the terrible things that could happen to them. I don’t have a monitor to watch them at night and I didn’t keep them rear facing in the car once they got old enough to protest.

So why am I made to feel like an unfit mother? And AIBU to think that upholding anxiety as the sign of a truly caring parent is actually toxic as hell?

So mums have said to you,

"I couldn't possibly send my DC to nursery"
"I couldn't possibly let anyone near my baby when they're in their pram"
"I couldn't possibly imagine not using a monitor"

I find that really bizarre.

My in laws are very anxious people and have explicitly judged me for not being so on several occasions. Examples include not holding hands with DD when we're walking on the pavement, allowing her to scooter ahead of us and allowing her to stay overnight with her godparents. ("But aren't you worried?" "I could never have done that with mine, don't you think about what could happen?" And so on).

So I disagree with those posters suggesting it's in the op's imagination or must be exaggerating, this kind of judgement is definitely out there.

@distinctpossibility i know I’m not a bad mother; if you read that into my post then, well, it isn’t there.

@Weddingbells6 there is a lot of judgement towards children with additional needs.

@Wordau its more of general sort of attitude: since you seem to want specifics it’s all over here, social media, general conversations. I remember reading a post on Facebook where someone was asking how old their child was when they stopped supervising in the bath and some of the replies were insane. Oh and garden ponds. We have a pond. That would cause chaos if I admitted this in some circles!

I wish i was a relaxed parent. I’m not (although I’ve got better) but that’s because I’m a generally anxious person and always have been. I would never make someone feel like a toxic mum for not being anxious. If anything, I would aspire to be more like them.

I didn’t say there isn’t just that some people like looking for if so they can complain about it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I never worried excessively about my kids. They were happy and balanced children... now they are grown up and it's not so easy to be confident and unworried as a parent when they start changing gender, having inappropriate partners, getting into abusive work situations which they don't have the strength to extract themselves from, becoming severely underweight, etc.

i know I’m not a bad mother; if you read that into my post then, well, it isn’t there.

Yep, that's why it's false - "faux". The thread title is literally "Am I being Unreasonable to not constantly be worrying about my children?" and you then said you were made to feel like an unfit mother... but if you don't feel like one after all, that's great 👌It is as I thought - you've just started this thread to look down your nose a bit at anxious parents.

I feel like this is one of those things where a lot of people think they themselves strike a good balance between relaxed and concerned - anyone less worried is too laid back, and anyone more is uptight and anxious.

I have been called a chilled parent, I never bothered with monitors, nap schedules, stair gates, child proofing, had no guilt about working and using nursery, will now (early primary) let them walk down the road to e.g. a friends alone.

I did, however, rear face for ages, follow safe sleeping guidelines, was very strict about television and am very alert around the water.

I imagine everyone has some things they are more hot on? Possibly if you'd seen me on action from first list you'd consider me relaxed, but if at a public pool anxious.

I don’t think people are generally looking for judgement, just acceptance.

Who is 'making' you feel like that, OP? It's up to you who you take notice of.
Have to say, I agree about ponds which can be deadly for small children, even the shallow ones.

You sound far more sensible than most posters on MN, and it's far more healthy for your children to be raised that way. Well done.

There you go @DryIce, there's the 🥇you were looking for.

I don’t feel like that at all @Diningtableornot .

I am uncomfortable with the way anxiety is held up as a sign of a mother that truly loves her children - there is literally an example on the thread where someone essentially says that she only has one child so can’t take risks (because of course, I’d just shrug if one of my children was killed because I have another - sheesh.)

Awwww that’s so cute that you can “save” your anxiety! Why don’t you ring the NHS tomorrow and tell them to tell all their patients that you’ve found the cure and people need to just save their anxiety and everything will be ok!

Yep mental illness is exhausting mate.

I see what you mean, but if I heard someone suggesting that great anxiety indicates great love, I wouldn't feel pressured by it because I know they are mistaken!

That’s just science not anxiety.

What a weird rant. Rear facing and baby monitors?

Are you believing stuff you read on social media is that the issue? I don’t know any anxious parents in real life, but I expect I’d find a few if I was on Facebook.

What a peculiar humble brag post. Not a regular mom, cool mom vibes from OP. I would say you do you, there’s plenty to genuinely worry about in our current world, if you choose not to focus on some things knock yourself out! Not sure parents saying they couldn’t choose a car seat proven to be less safe is about anxiety so much as research, facts and risk/benefit analysis.

I’ve noticed that there are a lot of parents that are led by anxiety. Which means you make irrational decisions for your children. I guess it’s a reflection of the rise in mental health problems

Sorry? Assure you I am not medal hunting - my point was done we all have some things we are more anxious/stress about and some things that we are chilled about

I asked how old because if they are very small then you've still got a long way to go, car seats and baby monitors will likely become the very least of your worries.

You're right that worrying won't get you anywhere, but that won't necessarily stop it from happening.

Indeed, but whether I worry more or worry less, it doesn’t mean I love them more or love them less.

Of course you’re not unreasonable, I am actively unwell with anxiety and postpartum OCD and I am desperate to live the way you do. It is truly exhausting and debilitating.

I do think YABU about rear facing car seats though, that’s not an anxiety related issue. The supporting evidence is overwhelming.

So why am I made to feel like an unfit mother? And AIBU to think that upholding anxiety as the sign of a truly caring parent is actually toxic as hell?

It's good you are chill about your kids but why are you so worried about what other people think.

I don’t think that I am especially: it is something I’ve noticed, though.