To not constantly be worrying about my children?

[evegettinglighter]

As babies, I wasn’t overcome with anxiety if someone looked in the pram and breathed near them. I sent them to nursery three days a week after a happy maternity leave and wasn’t overcome with anxiousness about the terrible things that could happen to them. I don’t have a monitor to watch them at night and I didn’t keep them rear facing in the car once they got old enough to protest.

So why am I made to feel like an unfit mother? And AIBU to think that upholding anxiety as the sign of a truly caring parent is actually toxic as hell?

It’s not just the parents passing on their anxieties to their child that cause damage- the worst type is the parent who takes on their child’s normal childhood anxieties and makes them bigger than they are. These are the most damaging parents- the ones that teach their children that they are right to be scared of swimming carnivals, sports days, cross countries, school plays and school camps. Their nervousness needs to be validated and turned into fear. They can skip these things- what does it really matter?

Well, it really, really matters. Barring complex SEN, every time you let your child skip something that makes them uncomfortable, you chip away a sense of their self belief. Almost every one hates cross country day but the feeling of relief a child receives when it’s over and done with and the realisation that they did something that was hard and unpleasant but nothing bad actually happened is worth its weight in gold for a child.

Every school refusing teen I know skipped out on the above things. Some of them had SEN and legitimate reasons not related to parental anxiety but a lot are perfectly normal kids who have been stunted by their parents (usually the mother).

Didn't have a monitor and tried to rear face as long as possible (but didn't really work in one of our vehicles and didn't stress about that) but am in general massively anxious about them which I try not to show to limit the impact on them. Also wouldn't admit it in conversation as I think people would think I am weird. I think it probably comes from the time my first were hospitalised as a really young baby which was really stressful when it took a while to figure out what was wrong and if anything could be done

I think you are either a worrier or you’re not. I’m not and I’m very grateful for that. No one has ever implied (to my face at least) that not worrying makes me a bad mother, but to be honest I wouldn’t worry (see what I did there!) if they did.

But you can see your child asleep forward facing with a mirror.

Rear facing is 4 times safer so complain or not, your children would have been safer in an accident rear facing, that's not fear, it's just fact.

Stealth goady thread.

It really isn’t. It’s a thread saying - I don’t like the way anxiety (which as others have rightly informed me is a mental illness) is held up and encouraged.

You’ve misunderstood me @Rowen32 . I was talking about parents who insist on using a monitor when their child is asleep because they would be too anxious to leave them in their cot or whatever. The car thing - rear facing is safest; doesn’t make forward facing unsafe.

I've found this at my kids very middle class school. It seems more normal to be less worried amongst some of my less than middle class school friends?! I worry when the kids are ill, when one kept having seizures, about my oldest fitting in/having difficulty with school, etc, but I had to mute some WhatsApp groups as some of the parents were so over the top about everything. I started to feel like a rubbish parent like you do, but I'm not sure what all the worrying about school dinners, swimming lessons etc achieves, so I ignore and eye roll nowadays.

Mn is ridden with posters who have high anxiety. I don't really do anxiety. I don't really worry about ds's as such, even now they are older. I don't want them stabbed or hurt, but most of that is outside of my control anyway, so why worry?

It’s hard to get the balance. I’ve had to pull a child back onto the pavement - as he had gone ahead of his parents and his ball had fallen into the main road. He went to retrieve it without even looking - in the midst of fast traffic flowing.

Parent was so far back and didn’t have a clue what was happening .

Everyone will have a level of risk they are comfortable with. If someone is more cautious than you - it doesn’t make them anxious.

Who has told you that you're a lesser parent because you don't worry?

I don't think worrying is held up as being a good thing.

Feeling worried and anxious is a horrible state to be in.

I do think it can go to the other extreme. A certain amount of worry or more caution is a good thing. Children do need to be looked after at the end of the day.

Worrying about a child isn’t looking after them, though.

But like a plaque, everyone has a level of risk that they're comfortable with.

Like your baby monitor/car seat example. You say it's worrying, for other people they think it's safety.

I didn't personally have a video monitor or a rear facing (beyond a certain age). But if the rear facing car seats are safer then it's not anxiety to choose one.

It's like what age do you let your child cycle or run off ahead out of sight. Do you trust them not to run in the road. Do you feel otherwise safe in the environment you're in. This will be different for different families.

Like a pp not plaque.

I’m not particularly anxious. I’ve worked hard to not instil fear into my kids too, and will never say “be careful you don’t fall/slip/bang your head etc”, but instead say “do you think you can do it? Yeah? Go on then!” And then help them do it or better, stand back. Even if it is a bit sketchy for their age/stage. I think it teaches them to risk assess and know they’re responsible for themselves and their safety.

It has provoked comments before from other more anxious friends, and I like to wind them up as a result.

“If he falls off that rock he could break his neck.”
”Yeah, but he’ll only do it once.”

Could be a coincidence but it’s created brave but sensible kids.

I get you.
Traveled over Europe with 3mo baby forward facing.
How the hell are you supposed to feed and comfort a back facing child?
In a dire situation of a fatal accident I would be the first one to die anyway as I was rotated half way back lol.

But also, I am a kind of preson to lets a 18mo old run down the 30° path and bang on a stone bcs she was protesting to be picked up or holding hand.
Was her injury expected? Yup.
They need to learn.

Just to correct you, not "can't take risks" but "won't put her child in danger on the road". Slight differences, hey :)

You sound like a sensible and level headed mum!
I was the same. DD was passed round the old ladies at church at 6 days old! She threw herself head first down the slide aged 3, falls of her bike and laughs at it, went to nursery, was sleep trained, goes to parties and play dates on her own (I drop and go), and is a great kid. I will worry when she actually gives me something to worry about.

What about RF car seats? That’s not anxiety.

A lot of mumsnet threads would be silenced if we could just accept that a diversity of approaches are acceptable.

No need to pick a side. Pros and cons both ways.

I largely agree with you except for rear facing, that's just safety. My child may protest that he has to hold my hand when crossing the road but he's still doing it for as long as I feel is necessary to keep him safe.

Same with rear facing.

I wouldn't do this. Not a stone path. That's two lessons at once. Kinder to do the incline and terrain separately.

I feel like I live in agony because I put my daughter on ponies at an early age, partly because she gave me no choice, but I am by nature extremely anxious about her safety. I ensure she operates within safe parameters which panders to my own needs but it is by definition a risk sport and her chances of serious injury are much higher because she rides. But I have seen how riding has developed her courage, persistence, patience, confidence and raised her overall level of well-being. And it took those skills to allow her to get into a school where she would be happy. So maybe the riding has protected her from a far more devastating mental illness or a life of unfulfilled desperation.

@Vvvvvvvvvvvvvv - you did say I only have one, so no spare kids I'm prepared to risk on the road! Do you honestly think that if I only had one child I’d make a different choice?

And the whole RF debate misses the point that just going on the road in the first place is potentially putting your child in danger. RF is safest, I’m not disputing that. But actually the difference in terms of safety outcomes is minimal. A child in a forward facing car seat that is properly fitted in a modern car with safety devices is not unsafe. RF would slightly increase their survival chances in terms of crash yes, but if the chances of that crash increase hugely because of a wailing toddler then those odds are higher anyway.

In any event I think the point of the thread has been a bit missed. I’m not cavalier with my children just to make some weird point; I don’t have them doing sky dives or something to make some weird point. But I suppose i do go about my normal life not envisioning terrible things happening to them. In some quarters, and you can see some of those attitudes on here emerging, that is taken to mean inferior parenting, because if you don’t RF your child, if you don’t anxiously worry about them and express that anxiety then you don’t really love them,’which is a toxic attitude to have.

I am not talking about those who have mental illness. I know what the difference is. But take your point.