Page 2 | To not constantly be worrying about my children?

Readmorebooks40 · 18/02/2025 19:02

Anxiety is horrendous! No one wants to feel anxiety. It can take over you life and suck all joy out of it. My post natal anxiety was so bad I would go to bed dreading the next day. It was effecting my eating, sleeping, concentration, everything. You are so lucky that you don't have anxiety over your children. Take the win! I definitely wouldn't judge you but I do envy you. 😂 I'm much more relaxed about my kids now but the anxiety monster rears itself every so often over different things.

LucyMonth · 18/02/2025 19:05

My VERY tall 3 year old DS is in a rear facing car seat not because I am “too anxious” to have him front facing, but because I am his parent and it’s up to me to make the decisions I believe are best for him, not him…because he’s 3. I’m the only person I know who has their 3 year old rear facing still so I wouldn’t say I am the norm and you are unusual in that regard.

Everything else you’ve mentioned I have never in my real life met a parent who is like that in any way whatsoever so maybe you just have an oddly high number of anxious friends?

Parents are bombarded with information today in a way that previous generations never were. Every awful thing that happens to children around the world is pumped out to us 24 hours a day 7 days a week on the news, on social media.

We are constantly bombarded with “best practice” information which can erode your confidence in your own instincts. It’s great people have access to information on good sleep practices, good weaning practices, car seat safety etc but I’m not surprised if it does create anxiety in some parents who are prone to anxious thoughts anyway.

Wordau · 18/02/2025 19:09

evegettinglighter · 18/02/2025 17:58

As babies, I wasn’t overcome with anxiety if someone looked in the pram and breathed near them. I sent them to nursery three days a week after a happy maternity leave and wasn’t overcome with anxiousness about the terrible things that could happen to them. I don’t have a monitor to watch them at night and I didn’t keep them rear facing in the car once they got old enough to protest.

So why am I made to feel like an unfit mother? And AIBU to think that upholding anxiety as the sign of a truly caring parent is actually toxic as hell?

Who's making you feel like an unfit mother?

Amanitacae · 18/02/2025 19:09

I was quite relaxed with my first. Too relaxed to be fair - I didn’t recognise the signs of a UTI (caused by a small kink in a kidney tube) for a couple of weeks. Even the day he ended up in hospital with sepsis I was so relaxed as to think his vomiting was normal baby-spew.

The ensuing treatment to save his life was horrendous to watch. I’m not such a chill parent any more and don’t have the ability to be non-anxious now that I know what can happen (I’ve got 3 now).

Wordau · 18/02/2025 19:15

Also I don't think rear facing has much to do with anxiety. As far as I'm aware it's been proven to be safer. Just like not smoking in a car, or wearing a seatbelt. It takes no more effort to rear face, if you can afford to why wouldn't you?

Whereas I'm not sure having a monitor or not letting anyone breathe near your pram has been proven to have any benefits.

Daisy12Maisie · 18/02/2025 19:21

I had 3 boys and one died so with my remaining 2 Who are teenagers I save the worry/ anxiety for anything life or death. So I don't worry about whether they are/ aren't revising for exams. I don't worry about whether they sleep in until lunchtime. I don't worry about cups and glasses left in bedrooms. I let them do whatever they want to an extent but I know where they are when driving (life 360, which they are happy for me to have) and they know to ring me any time day or night if needed especially if they are drunk or in a tricky situation. This has only happened once.
I think how anxious people are depends on their life experiences as well as their mental health. I don't think I am over anxious at all considering my history and I think people that worry about every little thing need to find ways of managing it rather than making the kids anxious about it.

I was previously in a very controlling relationship so as a result absolutely hate the phrase let me know when you get there as I find it so stressful having to update someone constantly (huge back story to this). With life 360 it's just not necessary as I can see the kids are safe and have completed their long drive. I don't question where they are/ what they are doing unnecessarily. Obviously you couldn't use life 360 as a reassurance tool in an abusive relationship as it would be used against you.

Elsbels00 · 18/02/2025 19:21

How old are your children op?

I didn't worry when they were babies and toddlers either.

One of mine is a teen now and the worry is driving me crazy at times. I admire anyone who doesn't worry and would love to know their secret.

GreyCarpet · 18/02/2025 19:25

Well I had two (now adults) and I was very much as you describe, OP.

Not sure why you think you're being made to feel like an unfit mother.

smudgiebuggler · 18/02/2025 19:26

What does anxiety have to do with putting your child in a safer car seat for their age though?

Original poster

evegettinglighter · 18/02/2025 19:33

smudgiebuggler · 18/02/2025 19:26

What does anxiety have to do with putting your child in a safer car seat for their age though?

When people say things like I couldn’t possibly have mine forward facing, I’ve seen too many horror stories!

OP posts:

Original poster

evegettinglighter · 18/02/2025 19:33

@Daisy12Maisie I am so sorry for your loss

OP posts:

Vvvvvvvvvvvvvv · 18/02/2025 19:49

You really can't compare sending your kids to nursery with not having them rear facing in the car.

RedHelenB · 18/02/2025 19:50

evegettinglighter · 18/02/2025 17:58

As babies, I wasn’t overcome with anxiety if someone looked in the pram and breathed near them. I sent them to nursery three days a week after a happy maternity leave and wasn’t overcome with anxiousness about the terrible things that could happen to them. I don’t have a monitor to watch them at night and I didn’t keep them rear facing in the car once they got old enough to protest.

So why am I made to feel like an unfit mother? And AIBU to think that upholding anxiety as the sign of a truly caring parent is actually toxic as hell?

No yanbu. I was the same, they meant everything to me but giving them space to breathe, allowing others to interact with them was vital

Lentilweaver · 18/02/2025 19:53

You are hanging out with the wrong people.

Vvvvvvvvvvvvvv · 18/02/2025 19:53

LucyMonth · 18/02/2025 19:05

My VERY tall 3 year old DS is in a rear facing car seat not because I am “too anxious” to have him front facing, but because I am his parent and it’s up to me to make the decisions I believe are best for him, not him…because he’s 3. I’m the only person I know who has their 3 year old rear facing still so I wouldn’t say I am the norm and you are unusual in that regard.

Everything else you’ve mentioned I have never in my real life met a parent who is like that in any way whatsoever so maybe you just have an oddly high number of anxious friends?

Parents are bombarded with information today in a way that previous generations never were. Every awful thing that happens to children around the world is pumped out to us 24 hours a day 7 days a week on the news, on social media.

We are constantly bombarded with “best practice” information which can erode your confidence in your own instincts. It’s great people have access to information on good sleep practices, good weaning practices, car seat safety etc but I’m not surprised if it does create anxiety in some parents who are prone to anxious thoughts anyway.

Hello - just wanted to say you are most definitely not alone. My nearly 4 year old is still rear facing and will be until at least 6. I only have one, so no spare kids I'm prepared to risk on the road!

Original poster

evegettinglighter · 18/02/2025 19:53

Vvvvvvvvvvvvvv · 18/02/2025 19:49

You really can't compare sending your kids to nursery with not having them rear facing in the car.

You can, if it’s presented in such a way that the alternative would cause you such great anxiety that you couldn’t possibly do it.

OP posts:

Vvvvvvvvvvvvvv · 18/02/2025 19:55

"You can, if it’s presented in such a way that the alternative would cause you such great anxiety that you couldn’t possibly do it."

Not wanting my child dead in an accident has nothing to do with anxiety though? I think it was just a really poor example.

That70sHouse · 18/02/2025 19:56

I think I get what you mean. When people say “oh it’s the mum guilt isn’t it, I always feel awful if I’m away from them/upset them/whatever” and “once you’re a mum you’ll be worrying constantly!” As if they’re a given. They’re not.

Elsbels00 · 18/02/2025 20:04

How old are your children op?

Original poster

evegettinglighter · 18/02/2025 20:08

Vvvvvvvvvvvvvv · 18/02/2025 19:55

"You can, if it’s presented in such a way that the alternative would cause you such great anxiety that you couldn’t possibly do it."

Not wanting my child dead in an accident has nothing to do with anxiety though? I think it was just a really poor example.

Well, no one wants their child dead in an accident, regardless of which way they face.

OP posts:

Original poster

evegettinglighter · 18/02/2025 20:08

Elsbels00 · 18/02/2025 20:04

How old are your children op?

Young. Why? 😅

I am obviously conscious that when they are teens I might be in convulsions of panic twenty four seven but even if that project comes true I still don’t think it’s massively healthy.

OP posts:

BlondiePortz · 18/02/2025 20:09

Lentilweaver · 18/02/2025 18:01

Who is making you feel like that? I felt the same way you do. Nobody cared

This, also I find parenting by other people weirder

NattyTurtle59 · 18/02/2025 20:10

You sound far more sensible than most posters on MN, and it's far more healthy for your children to be raised that way. Well done.

distinctpossibility · 18/02/2025 20:12

I was a super chill mum who figured they'd just work it out, but I did follow all the guidance around rear facing, safe sleep, starting solids etc at the time. I don't like the faux "am I a bad mum?" when it sounds like you know full well you're not. It's good for them to have independence and not to be helicoptered over.

Anyway now my teenage daughter deeply unhappy all the time and I've really got something to worry about. I was definitely a better mum - to her and my other DC - before.

Weddingbells6 · 18/02/2025 20:13

Who makes you feel like that? I find lots of people say things like ‘I can’t believe there’s so much judgement towards my autistic child.’ For example but then I have never once seen my autistic child being judged and we go loads of places so who is judging them? It’s almost like some people look for judgements that aren’t there so they can moan they’re being judged. Obviously this might not be the case but I don’t see any examples.