Was I weird saying no to Dd to go in baby’s garden

[Letsmakebrownies]

Dd, 6 is very outgoing and full of energy. She has two friends on the road she plays with a lot..most of the weekend, they are in each others houses and in the evenings during summer. Dd is always running out to talk over the fence to various neighbours, they’re always friendly back, give her chocolates or small gifts sometimes.
I’m wary of her being too much and invading their space a little, but that may just be me as they often talk to her first and although i’m quite friendly, i’m more of a quiet, reserved person in general.
Dd has been watching and chatting over two fences into the garden with a mum with a toddler. I say Hi to her, but don’t really know her.
The other day Dd came running in and said the neighbour said she could come round to play with the toddler, I said maybe one day, not today, as don’t know the mum that well and didn’t want to get into a thing of Dd asking to go to another’s persons house all the time. She told the neighbour who then apparently said ‘What, you’re not allowed to come into the garden of another baby??’ As though it were strange.

Was it strange of me? The mother asked again in front of me.

Was I being weird? Why does this woman want her to come round? When Dd was little, it wouldn’t cross my mind to ask one of the older neighbourhood kids to come round, but then we had a big friendship group and she socialised a lot at baby groups, playgrounds, friends houses etc

Totally agree.
I wouldn’t allow my 6 year old child in a strangers house either.

Oh Lordy this is why kids can’t cope these days

I doubt the woman’s a killer or a risk she is reciprocating your child’s actions

Im sure the woman will send her back after twenty mins or so

I mean, I’ve chatted to the mum briefly and they’re mainly just in the garden, I can hear them from mine. I just don’t want it to become a thing with Dd asking to go there all the time. I thought the mum was quite rude to say it like that

I did let her go after the woman asked in front of Dd when we were on our way into the house. She stayed for 1.5 hrs and now Dd asking to go all the time, which is exactly what I knew would happen

Not saying she’s a risk, but surely if you’d asked and the child told you they weren’t allowed, you wouldn’t say ‘What, you’re not allowed to go into another baby’s garden to play?’ As though it were strange

It’s just mum & toddler, her Dh works away..maybe she’s lonely

I bet the mum was thinking the 6 year old would play with the toddler and keep her occupied for half an hour or so. Toddlers love slightly older kids.
this used to be pretty common years ago. Not any more…shame really but it’s the way the world’s gone, I suppose.
i don’t think there was any malice in it, OP.

Just say to the mum the next time you see. Her that you didn't want your Dd to be a "bother" and laugh about how chatty she is. The woman will probably say oh she won't be a bother etc etc. Then let her go play. You really should have gone out at the time and spoke to your neighbour about it, and agreed length of playing time.

This is it though, my Dd told me she just played with the toys and not with the toddler 🙈
Definitely don’t think the mum meant any harm asking, but did think the comment and asking as though it were strange is a bit rude

Gone out at what time and spoke to her?

I allowed dd to go round and said to come back in half an hour, but she stayed longer

You weren't being at all weird, but the neighbour failed to pick up a hint that for whatever reasons, you didn't want your dd going over to her garden on that particular day. Your reason (that you wanted to make sure dd respects other people's space) is a good one.

A big problem for me is that Dd is intense and now asking me all the time. The mum has said to her that she’s welcome over whenever she wants, so Dd is constantly asking me.
I might say she can go once a week

Oh sorry I totally misread ignore me

No worries!

I would still want to know them before my kids went round.
It’s not even just a safeguarding thing but for lots of reasons.
Kids are different too. At 6 my kids just weren’t that sociable to be honest! (We went to lots of groups, play dates etc, they are just introverts and I’m not!)

YANBU OP.
Neither of you really know this woman.

It would be so much easier for me if she were more introverted like me! She will
literally run out to speak to neighbours

I’m the neighbour botherer in our house. 😁

Do you think she just wants company/someone to play with her Dc?

Your dd sounds really fun and outgoing and also where do you live that people are out in their gardens all the time now? I guess not in the UK.

Anyway, I would probably try to just get to know the mums a bit myself and invite them and their dc round. Sounds like a lovely neighbourhood.

It probably is a bit strange for some people?

My best friend lives 15 minutes from me, on the other side of town. Where I am, in the old town, this would be insanity. Where she is, on the new estate, her 3-year-old seems to be regularly inside other kids homes/gardens, or have unknown kids coming round to play. It's a really normal thing for them. Her mum isn't very social and doesn't find it very enjoyable, but it seems really normal there and she doesn't want to hold her daughter back.

It wasn't the most eloquent way of her expressing shock, but perhaps she was genuinely surprised that your six year old went back outside and said she couldn't come round because you didn't know her mum well enough... I mean, you're never going to know her if you don't put any effort in, really, which is fine if you don't want to be social, but you probably need to talk to DD about that separately.

I'd be lost and not know if I was supposed to go too 😂 but it's not crazy.

Your reasoning is weird.

How well would you need to know the mum to have said yes? Why would allowing her once mean she would be asking all the time, and why would this be a problem if she was invited?

You need to be assertive. Your first mistake was allowing her to go when you didn’t want her to. I would have just told the neighbour ‘really sorry but we’re busy/going out/having a snack/ just not convenient right now’. Your second mistake was not going to collect your dd after the half hour - you told her to be back but how many kids are able to keep track of time? Step up and be the parent. She’s your daughter, you choose where and when she goes, what she does etc.

Yes, not Uk. It’s just one mum. Dds neighbour friends are the same age and I know those mums. As awful as it sounds, i’m not one for making close connections with all the neighbours, I have lots of mum friends separate from where we live

Oh right, where are you then? It could be a cultural differences issue.