Was I weird saying no to Dd to go in baby’s garden

[Letsmakebrownies]

Dd, 6 is very outgoing and full of energy. She has two friends on the road she plays with a lot..most of the weekend, they are in each others houses and in the evenings during summer. Dd is always running out to talk over the fence to various neighbours, they’re always friendly back, give her chocolates or small gifts sometimes.
I’m wary of her being too much and invading their space a little, but that may just be me as they often talk to her first and although i’m quite friendly, i’m more of a quiet, reserved person in general.
Dd has been watching and chatting over two fences into the garden with a mum with a toddler. I say Hi to her, but don’t really know her.
The other day Dd came running in and said the neighbour said she could come round to play with the toddler, I said maybe one day, not today, as don’t know the mum that well and didn’t want to get into a thing of Dd asking to go to another’s persons house all the time. She told the neighbour who then apparently said ‘What, you’re not allowed to come into the garden of another baby??’ As though it were strange.

Was it strange of me? The mother asked again in front of me.

Was I being weird? Why does this woman want her to come round? When Dd was little, it wouldn’t cross my mind to ask one of the older neighbourhood kids to come round, but then we had a big friendship group and she socialised a lot at baby groups, playgrounds, friends houses etc

Are you a psychiatrist? You’re v clever 💓 I think I do have some issues with lots of the above, but I never hold Dd back, always encourage and support her outgoing nature. I think I just feel like this is a step too far and I do miss the days when she’d just relax at home with us without any plans, now she constantly wants to be with others and we’ve allowed that, but at such a young age, shouldn’t she be having and wanting some time at home?

You sound really weird. The comment wasn't rude or odd she was probably taken aback. Your reasoning in the comments is a bit off. I would avoid you.

I was agreeing with mathanxiety regarding the fact that you'll have to interact with lots of parents. This is only the start of it.

As time goes on, there'll be lots of interaction with teachers, club leaders etc. There'll be times where there are issues that you'll need to sort out so you'll have to have conversations that you might find uncomfortable. There'll be drop offs and pick ups from clubs, parties and other social events.

All requiring a lot of engagement from you.
All of it necessary to ensure your dd grows into a well adjusted individual.

As I've said, your posts give the impression that you have a reluctance to engage, so I was agreeing with mathanxiety about perhaps having a mental block and that counselling might be helpful to ensure any insecurities or anxieties you have won't have a negative impact upon your dd.

At six, friends and fun are becoming the main event. Playing imagination games, games of co-operation with structure and rules, games she and her friends make up with rulesnto decide on and enforce, laughing about silly things, learning to offer comfort when a pet or grandparent dies, learning to express and share sadness when her own pet or grandparent dies, showing off ability to ride a 2-wheeler or skate and helping a friend learn, learning songs and skipping rhymes, learning new ways to draw people, ponies, cats, dogs, sharing favourite books, etc, are all new and exciting and incredibly valuable activities - and they're indispensable to healthy social and emotional development.

She loves you all the same. You're always there, and she'll turn to you for comfort and company all her life. But friendship, and knowing you're giving your blessing to what's important to her, are equally important.

The woman asking why not would annoy me too OP, it’s really none of her business why! How you choose to parent your child is for you to decide and it sounds to me like she does plenty and sees plenty of people. You don’t have a duty to make her available all the time or to explain yourself.

Why do I sound really weird?!

I engage lots, we have a good friendship group, she goes to clubs, we go to lots of parties and stay at the parties (the norm where we are)
I think it might just be a neighbours thing…when i’m at home and haven’t arranged anything, I just like to relax a bit and be left alone. This hasn’t impacted Dd’s life at all, she has a really active social life, however i’m nowhere near as extrovert, I do push myself though, but I feel when i’m home, I just want to be at home

I recall some children not allowed to play out as much.

Their families' reasoning is that it wasn't respectable or they didn't like the other family.

But your daughter doesn’t like relaxing at home by herself. As you said you’re not doing things together as a family, she’s just playing in the garden by herself. Some kids like that, some don’t. I have one of each. My son will ‘never’ choose being on his own, my daughter likes and needs time to just read, listen to music, whatever. But it’s not fair to leave my son to just meander around the house being bored when there are other options. He is never done socialising while the rest of us have our limits.

Your daughter is high energy and needs a lot of input so you’ll need to either do something with her, let her play out, or have her be a bit unhappy - all perfectly fine options. But a kid like this is unlikely to change - my son is more and more busy the older he gets.

We are doing things together as a family? As soon as she spots her friend or they come to the gate, she’s off and we’re ok with that, but it’s becoming constant

Perfect response

OP, you mentioned above that she "constantly wants to be with others and we’ve allowed that, but at such a young age, shouldn’t she be having and wanting some time at home?"

Well, no, she's an outgoing six year old with a desire to explore and interact with the world. It's normal at her age. She's not a very young child that you can keep by your side any longer. You have to get used to the fact that this is going to be constant from now on.

At 6, it's natural to want to be with others, particularly as she's an outgoing
child. Being with other children is much more exciting than being with
parents! Since she's an only child, she's very lucky to be living in a friendly
neighbourhood, and I think you'll just have to get over your reluctance to
interact with the neighbours and accept that for your child's sake, you'll
have to chat with them and get to know them better.

You've repeatedly mentioned you want to be at home on your own, that you don't like interacting with the neighbours, you've mentioned frequently that you feel she should be spending more time with you, more family time. You seem a bit resentful of others intruding on your time.
It just appears that, because of your introvert character and your longing for her to want to remain with you, that she might not be getting all the social interaction that she desires. If she's outside on her own chatting with the neighbours often, how does that count as time with you anyway? Surely you should focus on quality time with her, and arrange that the rest of her time will be taken up with school and her friends and leisure activities?

You mention she plays with your friends' children, but you've said they don't live in your area, so how often do you see them? As an extrovert only child, you'd be acting in her best interest to encourage interaction with children most days of the week. Through playdates, classes, sports, clubs, playground visits, storytime at the local library, neighbour's kids, there are so many ways to get her interacting with others outside of school. As it has been pointed out, school is very structured. Playing with other children outside of school is so important for her development. Activities such as group sports can teach the importance of teamwork and cooperation.

Isn't it better for you all to have a wide range of friendships? I gather you don't want to foster friendships outside of the group you currently have, but can you not see the advantages of developing closer friendships with others, not just for your child but for you too? It's great to have some friendly neighbours you can turn to in an emergency, for instance.

You haven't mentioned school friends, do they visit or does she visit them?

Anyway, there's no need to answer my questions, they're questions for you to think about. I hope you'll read through all these posts again and reflect on what has been said here. Many posters have made valid points, so read through the thread again and have a think about how you might change things up. Your little girl seems to have a very different character to you, so you'll have to move outside your comfort zone to accommodate that.

Not unreasonable of you at all to feel awkward about it and also to not get too in the pockets of neighbours. It can get a bit suffocating! However If you think this won’t pass and your daughter will inevitably go over, perhaps in this case it’s an idea to get to know the mum a little so you feel a bit more comfortable?

I would speak with them other mum and say you just concerned that your Dd shouldn't impose. It could be good for her to have another friendship, maybe you too.

I really am confused by all these replies. You are absolutely correct to trust your instincts and let that be your guide. The person I would trust the least with my 6 yo kid is someone that really wanted to spend time with them. I'd find it really weird. If they wish their kid had an older sibling that's not your problem:

In the UK 90% of victims of child sexual abuse know their abuser. Probably someone their parents trust if not that relationship.

Basically no, never apologise, never explain. If she wants to go round there you go too, do emails in the garden. No chance is my kid of that age going anywhere without me, sorry not sorry.

What are you doing with her when she’s with you at your house? Are you playing/interacting with her?

You say you can’t stop her from going out in the garden and asking to go next door and you’re saying you want her to spend time at home with you, so what do you do together?

I don't think that you are being unreasonable at all. My daughter is a bit younger but I'd never let her go alone into another person's garden/home if I didn't know and trust that person very well. As others have said, it is most likely that your neighbour had no bad intentions and just wanted some entertainment for her baby but from a safeguarding perspective, I tell myself that it's always someone close to a child or family who hurts or abuses them and it's our job as parents to ensure that they don't end up in a situation where anything could happen-they are too young to have to fend for themselves. It's sad to have to think like this but this is the reality of the world we live in. Again, your neighbour may not think like this but I personally also wouldn't invite a child who I didn't know well into my home unsupervised. Maybe it's because I work in education that I'm hyper aware of these things but when working with young people we are always told to never be on your own with a child in order to keep yourself safe too so I do carry this into my personal life. I think if I were in that situation, I'd just say that you have a rule as a family that she doesn't go to other houses alone at her age(even to friends' houses for playdates without you there) and suggest that you will pop in with her, or invite them into your garden. The mum may stop inviting her if she knows that you will come too! Or she may just be happy to have your company as well!

I know how you feel. I feel like if mine goes to theirs … there will be a point where she wants hers at mine. I don’t want to be in a child care debt. Plus you want to know her first. And you never know who lurks in her house.

This happened with us in an unusual rental. We had a large home with an acre of gardens. In back was a very small cottage with no garden. A woman moved in with 2 kids, The mum invited my son into her house without asking me, I didn’t even know where he had gone. When I went to hers and I was horrified, a rabbit hutch on kitchen counter, numerous cats and a dog in a tiny 2 up one down. Her home a total tip. For me, this seemed unsanitary and just gross. But my son loved the animals, I could only think of her prepping food next to rabbit droppings.

After that, I kept finding evidence of her kids in my garden … uninvited. I didn’t want them there … they went in when I was not home but the evidence was there: remnants of tea parties, dug holes, pulled up plants and toys. I went to talk to the mum and she turned it on me, demanding to know who the strange people were talking to her girls. (My guests!)

I got the landlord to intervene, apparently they were not paying rent so got kicked out.

I know I'm a bit of a helicopter myself, which I try not to be, but what I would try to do is to suggest you and DD going round together to start off with and then seeing how you get on.

Maybe she wanted you to go around aswell if its just mum and child there all the time

OP are you making this about yourself and trying to change your daughter? You don't seem to like that she is an extrovert. I agree with the neighbour and would have been surprised that your daughter was not allowed to come over and I don't think your neighbour's comment was in any way offensive.

"It would be so much easier for me if she were more introverted like me!"

"Dd is in and out of her friends houses on the street and I know the mums. I find it quite constant and overwhelming as I see my home as just a place I want to be quiet and relax."

"I think it might just be a neighbours thing…when i’m at home and haven’t arranged anything, I just like to relax a bit and be left alone."

Is there any reason why you can't invite your neighbour and baby around for a chat and coffee? She may be lonely. Discuss visits and set time, take your daughter round and collect her.

So neighbour is 2 doors /gardens away - she has a child tho younger and you don’t know the mum

i find that weird. Yes you say you are shy. Your child isn’t

let her be friends but you maybe the boundaries

go and say hello to mum. Have a cuppa with her for 30m. For your child’s sake

then she can pop round there but with rules. You state a day /time - esp if at school so peob has homework as well

you make sure neighbour is ok with her - which sounds she is - so say you will collect in an hour when tea is ready

if she is playing in the garden by herself so not with you - why do you feel the need to keep her at home to ‘see’ her - when she could have fun with another child for 30/60m

you also need to tell dd that if you say no. No means no. And if she keeps asking there will be consequences