Was I weird saying no to Dd to go in baby’s garden

[Letsmakebrownies]

Dd, 6 is very outgoing and full of energy. She has two friends on the road she plays with a lot..most of the weekend, they are in each others houses and in the evenings during summer. Dd is always running out to talk over the fence to various neighbours, they’re always friendly back, give her chocolates or small gifts sometimes.
I’m wary of her being too much and invading their space a little, but that may just be me as they often talk to her first and although i’m quite friendly, i’m more of a quiet, reserved person in general.
Dd has been watching and chatting over two fences into the garden with a mum with a toddler. I say Hi to her, but don’t really know her.
The other day Dd came running in and said the neighbour said she could come round to play with the toddler, I said maybe one day, not today, as don’t know the mum that well and didn’t want to get into a thing of Dd asking to go to another’s persons house all the time. She told the neighbour who then apparently said ‘What, you’re not allowed to come into the garden of another baby??’ As though it were strange.

Was it strange of me? The mother asked again in front of me.

Was I being weird? Why does this woman want her to come round? When Dd was little, it wouldn’t cross my mind to ask one of the older neighbourhood kids to come round, but then we had a big friendship group and she socialised a lot at baby groups, playgrounds, friends houses etc

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever received, was to be friendly and polite with neighbours but to take my time making actual friends with them because the fallout if it doesn't work out can be horrendous. The lady who said this was an older lady who lived in the same street where we bought our first house. I know this sounds snotty when you first read it, but think about it......its good advice

I think the other mum had it right and you're a bit too nervous.

Wrt DD asking to go all the time - tell her she has to wait to be invited.

Nothing weird about it. This woman is a stranger. Most parents I know would not be comfortable letting their 6 year old go to a stranger's house alone. Secondly, the 6 year old is now asking non-stop to go all the time. This would be troublesome for various reasons but mostly because you don't really know whether the neighbour expected your child to visit every single day without fail. She was invited round to play once, not asked to move in!

I didnt say it was because I didnt know her mum properly? I didn’t say that to Dd and Dd didnt say that to the neighbour

Dd is in and out of her friends houses on the street and I know the mums. I find it quite constant and overwhelming as I see my home as just a place I want to be quiet and relax, but I do it all for Dd as she’s v extrovert and it makes her happy. We also have a large friendship group outside of our home, to add this too was too much and I was right as now Dd is constantly asking to go there

You are projecting your weird anxiety onto your kids and its not healthy. This excessive anxiety is one of the reason why British (well, mostly southern English) kids and adults are so broken these days.

There's nothing remotely strange about a 6 year old kid playing a toddler, supervised by the toddler's mum, and yeah you're kind of a weirdo for objecting to it tbh

Because my dd is like this and IS now asking all the time to go

Yes I agree, I’m happy to say hello and have a chat etc, but not really into going to each others houses etc, tbh, I feel a bit trapped in my street, always someone there at the gate or fence, I realise this sounds really miserable! Dh and Dd have no issue with it

I would never have allowed small dc to be out of sight never mind in strangers houses. Nor would dsd let her dcs do that.

I can't believe how many think this is normal?

Are you SAHM and is DH out at work?

Yes this is it, I don’t want dd bothering her all
the time, she doesn’t know Dd well
enough to know she’s like this and it’s me that has to battle with her daily about her wanting to go here and there

I haven’t projected any anxiety onto Dd, I just said to her initially that maybe she could play one day, but not at the moment. She plays with plenty of our friends younger siblings and as ive said, she’s constantly in and out of other houses on the street and already that’s quite enough

So now the OP knows this woman is open to friendly neighbourliness, and she can start getting to know her. Before long she won't be a stranger.

She can also just tell her child she needs to wait to be invited and can't just turn up or ask to play. I guarantee the neighbour doesn't want the child there every day.

The niceties of living near other people are not rocket science, and you can explain manners to a child of 6.

I work a few evenings a week, so am
in the house during the day (if not out) why?

Is it awful that i’m not really fussed about getting to know her? I’ll obviously always be friendly but tbh I just want to chill at home, our weekends and some weeknight’s are taken up with having others here and Dd running around everywhere

simply because your DH might not mind the neighbours so much because he is not there so much?

I lived on a council estate at 6. We were all in and out of each other's gardens and houses from age 2-12/13. Id like to say it was a lovely memory. I know of at least 3 kids who were abused by older siblings/neighbour parents because it was the norm and not considered weird to go into neighbours houses and gardens.
Maybe an extreme example but if your guy says no, there is nothing wrong listening to it. Don't let people out you off calling you nervous. My friends parents certainly wished they were.

Yes probably! He’s also more likely to chat on to them for ages though

It's more common than people realise

Your neighbourhood sounds lovely & friendly op. You're obviously happy for your DD to be running in and out of other neighbours homes/being given little gifts by them so if I'm honest I'm confused why you think this is so much less acceptable?

Your DD might not think she "played with" the toddler but toddlers can be mesmerised even just watching a slightly older child play, copying them etc. Anyone with two kids knows a slightly older child is a godsend for entertaining/occupying a toddler. Also, a toddler doesn't talk loads and is sort of poor company, a sociable 6 year old can be quite good company.

Its not really that odd that mum thought it was nice your daughter wanted to go & play. This sort of thing is often how neighbourly friendships begin. I remember when we moved house & a old lady 2 doors down chatted to my sisters and i while parents were unpacking & gave us sweets. We used to pop in & visit her for years and my mum got to know her & checked on her regularly when she got quite frail.

So now the OP knows this woman is open to friendly neighbourliness, and she can start getting to know her. Before long she won't be a stranger.
She can also just tell her child she needs to wait to be invited and can't just turn up or ask to play. I guarantee the neighbour doesn't want the child there every day.
The niceties of living near other people are not rocket science, and you can explain manners to a child of 6

This. You don't have to form a time consuming friendship, but this lady lives 2 doors down, she isn't going to be a stranger if you live there longer than a few months/year or so, its fine to be friendly/neighbourly & nothing more.

yup, because on many occasions he won't be there!!

It's impossible to say what she wants tbh, but highly possible that she wants someone to entertain her child, or possibly she's lonely and maybe thinks you might end up coming along too.

It is right to have proper boundaries.
You should allow your daughter to play only as long and as often as you would accept going forward. Don't start a habit that DD will be sad to break.

You could also invite neighbour and toddler in to discuss the arrangements and to explain that you don't want your daughter to be going off, out of her own yard, for hours every day. It is not that you don't trust them or that you think your DD will not have fun - she will. You want to maintain control of your DD and have her content with her yard and her life at home, as the default position.

Agree to an approx plan - that once per fortnight for about an hour on a XXXday, if it suits neighbour, and if child asks you and you agree on the day, that your six year old will come over to play with baby in the garden, where you can easily call her if you need her and where she can easily come home to use the toilet..

Nothing wrong with saying no

Introverts nightmare!