Was I weird saying no to Dd to go in baby’s garden

[Letsmakebrownies]

Dd, 6 is very outgoing and full of energy. She has two friends on the road she plays with a lot..most of the weekend, they are in each others houses and in the evenings during summer. Dd is always running out to talk over the fence to various neighbours, they’re always friendly back, give her chocolates or small gifts sometimes.
I’m wary of her being too much and invading their space a little, but that may just be me as they often talk to her first and although i’m quite friendly, i’m more of a quiet, reserved person in general.
Dd has been watching and chatting over two fences into the garden with a mum with a toddler. I say Hi to her, but don’t really know her.
The other day Dd came running in and said the neighbour said she could come round to play with the toddler, I said maybe one day, not today, as don’t know the mum that well and didn’t want to get into a thing of Dd asking to go to another’s persons house all the time. She told the neighbour who then apparently said ‘What, you’re not allowed to come into the garden of another baby??’ As though it were strange.

Was it strange of me? The mother asked again in front of me.

Was I being weird? Why does this woman want her to come round? When Dd was little, it wouldn’t cross my mind to ask one of the older neighbourhood kids to come round, but then we had a big friendship group and she socialised a lot at baby groups, playgrounds, friends houses etc

I’m sure you’ll soon train that out of her.

I don’t think you are weird to say not to go but I do think it is a little odd to focus on what another person said to your child. It may seem rude to you but the lady probably just made an off the cuff remark.
If you think your child is being ott then bring her in or talk to her yourself . For another parent in their own garden having a child chatting over a fence could be more disruptive than them coming and playing quietly in the garden.

Your response does seem a bit odd.
I would have popped outside with a coffee to chat to the neighbour and said "thanks, she'd love to come over to play in the garden for a bit, send her home when you've had enough of her chatting!"
As to her response being rude, 6 year olds can easily miscommunicate, you don't know what or how she responded if you weren't there.

You were right first time round. Just because someone has a baby doesn't mean they're a safe person.

Just say no and that's it. End of. 🤷‍♀️

Wait, you've had a chance to get rid of your 6 year old for multiple hrs over multiple days and you turned it down?

The world has gone mad!

This, dear Lord!

Maybe she's thinking you'll babysit her toddler if she lets DD go round there

I can't work out why you're fine with her in and out of everyone else's house but this one woman's. She must see her wandering around to the other houses and wonder what's wrong with hers. I think it's lovely that you have a little village around you, particularly with an extrovert.

My son is the extrovert in the family and has two friends in our estate - he's in and out of their houses all the time, and they show up at ours too. Or they play out when it's decent out. The rest of us ignore each other in silence. My son would be so unhappy if we kept him inside with us as none of us have the mental headspace to just hang out with him nonstop so he really does benefit from having extra socialising options in the neighbourhood. He's 8 and his friends are 12 and 9 so he's the toddler in this scenario (we've been in this situation a few years now) and it's lovely that he has friends at different ages.

What exactly do you want your daughter to be doing instead? Are you going to play with her all afternoon?

Older kids are excellent at keeping toddlers occupied. It'll not be for a dark reason.

What else isn't she allowed to do in case she wants to do it again?

Batshit

😱 if you're desperate to foist your kids on unknown strangers maybe don't have them

What do you mean?

Everyone starts with good intentions but unfortunately you can't put them back in when they get to 6 years old 😅😅😅😅😅😅😅

OP, these are my thoughts after reading your posts.

1. You're very lucky to live in such a friendly and safe area, I wonder if you fully appreciate that, as the sort of friendly community you describe, where children can go in and out of each other's houses and your dd can chat to neighbours over the fence, isn't so common anymore. You haven't mentioned siblings, so if your dd is an only child, then it's wonderful that your neighbourhood is friendly, giving your dd a chance to socialise with the neighbours and children of different ages.

2. You thought the neighbour's comment was rude, but it's possible that she found your initial refusal rude and unfriendly, particularly as you're living in an area with such an open, friendly vibe. She's likely noticed your child going in and out of other houses and wondered why you refused to let your dd visit her child and garden.

3. You've said your dd is intense, and you keep mentioning that the reason you didn't want to allow her to visit is because she'll keep asking to visit afterwards. You've said that she is now asking repeatedly to visit the toddler's garden. This is a parenting problem, not a neighbour problem. You initially said no and then backtracked and said yes. You said 1/2 hour, she stayed 1 and 1/2 hours (though I recognise that she's unlikely aware of how much time passed). The point is, is that you're not consistent. As a parent, you should have it clear in your head what you will and will not allow and make that clear to your dd. She'll keep pestering you if she knows you'll eventually cave. Explain clearly to her what day and time she is allowed to visit (provided she's invited) and that you don't want her asking over and over. It's possible there are other situations where you aren't consistent in your parenting techniques and your dd has picked up on that, so keeps asking over and over. I don't believe you should be saying no to new experiences for your dd and meeting new people just because you're afraid of being pestered afterwards. The solution is to manage your dd's expectations better.

This is like something from the era of calling cards. Nobody is going to lose 'control' of a child by allowing her to play with neighbours in their homes or gardens.

Wait for a future invitation. Allow DD to play. Tell the other mother you'll come to pick her up in an hour or whenever is convenient for the other mother. Get DD used to leaving when the time is up. Invite the mother and toddler to play in your home/ garden.

Teach your DD to ask politely to use the loo in other people's houses, to wipe, flush, wash her hands, dry them, and not leave water running or splash the floor.

Are these other people who are there on weeknights and weekends friends of yours and DH's or people who come to play with DD?

If they're adults and they're there to socialise with you and your H, why so often?

You have a growing child who has reached the age where she's becoming more of a social butterfly. You're living in what sounds like a friendly area.

You and DH may need to cut back somewhat on your social life in order to muster up the energy to foster your child's social development - it is an extremely important part of her growth.

School offers plenty of opportunity too, but it's a structured environment, whereas interacting with different neighbours gives her the opportunity to practice manners, informal conversations with adults, being considerate around babies, toddlers, and other people's pets and possessions. DD running around everywhere is what children do when they're 6.

Neighbour kids that come to play with Dd! Our whole life revolves around her social life

I know the two neighbourhood kid friends families and she’s played with them for a couple of years now and we’ve always encouraged it as she’s an only child and very outgoing etc. The difference is I don’t know this woman well at all and it feels like Dd is already all over the place a lot as it is, I would like to spend some time with her or as a family 🙈

Knew this would happen…early this morning, Dd asked if she could go after school (went yesterday for half an hour) I said no and that I said it wouldn’t be every day. She went and asked the woman over the fence, then came back and said she said yes. I was cross with Dd and said i’d already said not today, so she shouldn’t have gone and asked her. Dd then went to tell her she’s not allowed and the woman apparently asked her why and to ask why…(?!) Dd said she said she’s just not allowed.
Aibu to think it’s out of order to say that

Forget the neighbour, just parent your dd! Stop focusing on what you think the neighbour is saying/doing wrong, teach your daughter to listen to you, engage further with her in a way she understands. Do whatever you need, but stop blaming others.

I obviously have done that!

Yeah this is a parenting thing. If you say no, your daughter needs to respect you and not try to get around your rules. You need to reinforce this regularly. Of course she’s still young, but best to get on top of this now.

Your neighbour sounds friendly and could very much just trying to work out if it’s a timing thing or a problem with her or what the issue is as your daughter has quite a lot of autonomy to be running around the neighbourhood. But you could also have a coffee with her once just to make sure the house is safe etc.

I think the issue is the mum not respecting the boundaries you've put in place for your child. She shouldn't be undermining you and based on this I wouldn't encourage the relationship. If your child isn't grown up enough to follow what you are saying about where she can go then you need to supervise her going to friends homes.

Agree it's awful she's undermining you instead of just saying "oh well never mind maybe next time!"

Where are you based, don't think you said? Just trying to guage whether this is a cultural issue or a personality issue.

For example, my cousin is from Ukraine and she was aghast that we regularly say no to our toddler because apparently in Ukraine you're "not allowed" to say no to children...? Not sure if she was pulling my leg but just highlighting that if it's a cultural issue then if DD is exposed to that kind of attitude outside of the home then OP has a double battle to parent her in the face of a strong willed sociable child backed by an enabling society!

But you haven’t. Your dd is not listening to you, she’s still trying to go to the neighbour, she’s still telling neighbour what you say, and you’re still here whingeing about the neighbour 🤷‍♀️