Was I weird saying no to Dd to go in baby’s garden

[Letsmakebrownies]

Dd, 6 is very outgoing and full of energy. She has two friends on the road she plays with a lot..most of the weekend, they are in each others houses and in the evenings during summer. Dd is always running out to talk over the fence to various neighbours, they’re always friendly back, give her chocolates or small gifts sometimes.
I’m wary of her being too much and invading their space a little, but that may just be me as they often talk to her first and although i’m quite friendly, i’m more of a quiet, reserved person in general.
Dd has been watching and chatting over two fences into the garden with a mum with a toddler. I say Hi to her, but don’t really know her.
The other day Dd came running in and said the neighbour said she could come round to play with the toddler, I said maybe one day, not today, as don’t know the mum that well and didn’t want to get into a thing of Dd asking to go to another’s persons house all the time. She told the neighbour who then apparently said ‘What, you’re not allowed to come into the garden of another baby??’ As though it were strange.

Was it strange of me? The mother asked again in front of me.

Was I being weird? Why does this woman want her to come round? When Dd was little, it wouldn’t cross my mind to ask one of the older neighbourhood kids to come round, but then we had a big friendship group and she socialised a lot at baby groups, playgrounds, friends houses etc

That’s a DD/parenting issue and you’re trying to blame the neighbour.

She’s trying to get what she wants by dragging neighbour into it because you said no and she has no respect for that so is finding a way to try force your hand.

You don't know them, so of course it's not weird.

It’s so annoying

You're going to have to speak up OP. Next time, follow her out and tell the neighbour that you would appreciate her not undermining you and that she's not there to keep her kid occupied. Have the row.

Then tell your child that she's not to ask to go over again.

Be a parent.

Do you think that’s why she wants her there all the time? Don’t know why she doesn’t just take him out to toddler clubs etc

Again, we are all saying, you need to parent your child. Forget how annoying it is, stop blaming others, focus on your child.

Yes I’ve told her sternly that she can’t go against me and she was upset, I can control my Dd, but how can I stop them playing in the garden and calling over to her, of course she’ll want to go and play there all the time

You are going to have to speak to the woman next time and say thanks for the invite which is kind but that you don't allow her to go over to other people's homes like this.
Then be clear with your dd that it won't be happening and she is to stop asking.

Do you know what your issue is with her going over there to play though? If you aren't playing with her and she's just playing outside by herself, what's different about her playing with a neighbour for a bit? Is it just the going into the house that bothers you?

Obviously your kid, your rules though and your daughter needs to learn. Maybe a visual chart would be helpful for her? You could mark out times that she needs to be by herself and times that she's allowed to hang out with the neighbours in whatever balance you prefer? My son knows he can't play out until his chores are done and he needs to be home for meals and such - we have a family calendar up so he can see what's happening on the weekends so he knows when we are busy... can be really useful to get us all on the same page.

Your neighbour probably didn’t know you had said no so was possibly worried that something had happened the evening before and that’s why she wasn’t allowed to go. Nothing wrong with asking.
Grow a backbone op and stop letting people dictate to you. Tell your daughter firmly that once a week means once a week and that if she moans and goes behind your back (because that’s what she did) she won’t be going anywhere for a few days. Have consequences.
All you had to do was go around to the woman’s house when she first went over and said at the door (no need to go in) “very kind of you to invite X over, please could you send her home in half hour though”. Set your boundaries.
Just tell your neighbour that DD has so many friends and she’s out a lot so you have to limit the time she is at each so she spends enough time at home with family.
Its not hard and it’s not a big deal
Dont make such a drama out of it

But why didn't you go out and speak to the mother? As a pp has said, set boundaries, explain what you need to happen so she'll get on board. How is she supposed to know what suits you when you won't even step outside to have a few minutes friendly conversation with her over the fence, when she's kindly invited your dd over? I don't know why you're so annoyed with her, when you haven't explained anything to her.

Like @PurpleThistle7 I'm wondering why you have such an issue with your dd visiting if she's home alone with you. @mathanxiety made some excellent points last night as to why it's great for your dd to socialise with different people and children of different ages.

You said earlier that you told your dd she couldn't visit today but she ignored you and went to ask the neighbour anyway if she could come over. So you shouldn't be so annoyed at the neighbour, it's your dd that's not paying attention to you, that combined with your reluctance to even speak with the neighbour for a few minutes is causing this issue.

I spoke to her a few days ago and said as long as she didn’t mind, it would be nice for Dd to visit occasionally, I didn’t mean every day, is that so wrong of me not to want her there everyday?
Most of the weekend is taken up with her at her neighbour friends houses or the kids at ours and then once during the week too, is it so strange to want to have my child in our own house just with us too?

Imagine, some people actually love their kids!!!! Not you, obviously...

Just say no. Get a grip!

I did.

No one on this thread has said that she has to go over there every day.

If you've told your neighbour she can visit occasionally, then the neighbour maybe isn't clear on what that means, so you have to speak to her again and outline what you're happy with. You and the neighbour have to be on the same page, and you won't be if you don't communicate your wishes. Be friendly but clear. If you're vague, you're setting everyone up to be frustrated. Work on getting your dd to listen to you and respect what you say. Once you've chatted to your neighbour and she knows what's acceptable to you she'll be able to say no to your dd, if your dd asks to visit, as she'll know it won't be an ok time for you. Teach your dd that it's impolite to ask, that she should wait to be invited.

You're Not being strange. Watch your child like s Hawk. Dont let them out of your sight. Strange things happen to children when parents arnt around . Nurture your child into adulthood so that they grow up well adjusted from not seeing or hearing anything weird. Have the mindset ' No one can be trusted around my child' is a good plan. Then you will sleep at night . So many weirdos out there. Who knows where they come from.

😬 😔

Is the shouting over the back fence?

Stop it.

Explain to DD that back gardens are private space to relax and spend time with their family and not to shout at neighbours. Chatting on the front is fine and friendly.

If DD start chatting take her inside. Gradually she'll stop. Tell neighbour sorry to disturb and take DD away.

Parent your child.

If she's spending too much time at neighbours set a time limit. Collect your child. If the kids are at yours set a time limit and send them home.

You need to be the adult here.

Oh I live by this too. I keep this to other areas of my life. I'm friendly but not friends with my kids friends parents too, colleagues as well. I always imagine the fallout and have seen the effects of others who went through it. Works well for me.

Just say to the neighbour, "Are you sure it's ok?" and if she's positive it's ok, tell her you'll come and retrieve DD in an hour. Turn up in an hour and bring her home. She'll get some good practice in leaving when asked to and politely saying 'goodbye and thank you for having me'.

You'd better have something nice lined up for DD to do with you when you get her home though, or she'll quickly realise that you're just playing keepaway with the neighbour, or she'll think you're being weird or pulling rank just for the heck of it.

If DD doesn't have siblings around her own age to play with, she's going to spend a lot of time playing with other children away from home, and you're going to find yourself constantly hosting a lot of her friends. You are going to get to know a lot of other parents as a result, and you'll need to chat with these people.

If you have a mental block about your child developing a social life and sincerely feel it's incomprehensible or hurtful to you that she would enjoy the company of others in preference to yours, I encourage you to maybe do some counseling. Don't let your own insecurities hold your child back socially.

If DD doesn't have siblings around her own age to play with, she's going to spend a lot of time playing with other children away from home, and you're going to find yourself constantly hosting a lot of her friends. You are going to get to know a lot of other parents as a result, and you'll need to chat with these people.
If you have a mental block about your child developing a social life and sincerely feel it's incomprehensible or hurtful to you that she would enjoy the company of others in preference to yours, I encourage you to maybe do some counseling. Don't let your own insecurities hold your child back socially.

I agree with this because, to be honest, you are giving the impression here OP, that you'd rather avoid the neighbours if at all possible and would prefer to remain in a small family bubble. That's not fair on your dd though. It's normal for her to want to spend time with others, especially children.

That’s too much work for OP it seems 🤷‍♀️
Everyone is telling her to parent her child, but all OP keeps doing is blaming the neighbour 🤷‍♀️
I think we’re all wasting our time here.

The way to get past the problem of not knowing this woman well is to get to know her well.

Surely you and DD and your H can spend time together as a family too, as well as letting her play with the neighbour's toddler?

You could make plans for a family weekend activity, and if friends turn up asking for her to play, you can tell them 'yes, until X time when we're leaving', or 'sorry, we're about to leave the house'. But it's harder to say no and keep DD to yourselves when you actually have nothing planned, and your child will start to feel you're not being fair.

You'll end up bringing friends along as DD and her crew get older.

She has clearly received a good upbringing if she is popular, well-behaved enough to be asked back to other people's houses, and confident enough to make new friends.

Are you worried deep down that she's somehow rejecting you when she's so eager to hop the fence and spend time with others or have her friends over to play instead of enjoying family time?

Please be assured your child loves you - you can be absolutely sure of that. She's just getting on with her life. It is perfectly natural and very healthy for children to keep their home and their parents somewhat in the background while their world expands.

Have you fully made peace with the fact that she's your only child?
Do you feel guilt? Do you feel you're perhaps treating her or her childhood as something too precious?

Is this woman offering her toddler as a playmate for your child touching a nerve on some level - do you feel sad that DD doesn't have a toddler sibling of her own?

(Don't feel obliged to answer any of the above - just pondering).

As ive said lots, she *Does spend lots of time with others, all weekend and some weeknights with her neighbour pals and also meet ups with my friends and their kids (also her friends) I feel
its more than sufficient? I do think we need to spend some time together and as a family too