Unwanted potential guest...please help!

[TrickySituation22]

Me and my partner live with my adult daughter. We let our spare room to my partner's longstanding mate who is single, but always hoping for a girlfriend, he's late 30's now, let's call him Ray.
Ray is fine but sometimes give me the ick when he's overtly sexual and crude over his comments about women on TV etc.
He met a woman a few years ago who had been with her partner for 10+ years, and he struck up a friendship with her. However we have never met her as she refused all invitations to our home or to meet up elsewhere. She also used Ray for lifts to the airport when holidaying with friends, for work done to her car and for meals out etc, he paid for everything. He did all this in the hope of getting closer to her (basically he said he wanted to have sex with her) despite the fact that she was with a partner and kept Ray strictly in the friendzone.
Today my partner has announced that Ray has called him and this woman has now split up with her long-standing boyfriend and has nowhere to go and will be coming to live with us until she can find somewhere. Ray says she will be sleeping in his room, but as friends.
No discussion, just presented to me and my daughter as a fait accompli.
My daughter and I are not happy, she's a complete stranger and Ray works away during the week so we would be here alone with her. Apparently according to Ray she has a lot of 'issues' and is going to find it very difficult finding a place a living on her own as she's not a 'coper'.
We've told my partner we don't want it because she sounds like a user and hasn't wanted to meet us before. Plus there's no room for her car and I work from home.
My partner is now embarrassed as we've messaged on our home group chat to the effect that we are not happy about this decision and he is saying in that case no one can stay, not even my daughter's boyfriend, nor any of my friends, ever, not even for one night.
We've been happy to have other friends of Ray's stay the odd night before, guys we have known.
Am I being unreasonable thinking this is an unfair request? We did say one or two nights would be ok but then she'd need to have concrete plans.

This.

Either replace Ray with a different lodger, or leave with your daughter and let them find someone else to move in.

There is quite a simple solution to this if the house is rented, it's one of the few benefits of renting over homeowning.

Just move out with your daughter. Give a months notice and find somewhere else to live, leave your arsehole partner , Ray and his strange woman to their own set up.

To be honest if you are all equal renters, Ray has as much right to have someone live in his room as you have, and your daughter has. It would be different if it was your own house, you could just ask Ray to leave.

Walk away from this skip fire situation which will obvioulsy be horrendous.

@TrickySituation22 I am really really going to try & be polite……..but what the hell OP? How have you allowed your Partner to think that it is ok to ride rough shod over you & your daughter?? Your home is meant to be a sanctuary, a safe place that when that front door is shut all the evils in the world are on the other side of that door!

I will be honest with you if I was in your position I would not need to post on Mumsnet to tell me everything that is wrong in this situation. My children come first & if anybody thinks different they would be kicked so hard out of that front door that they would be seeing stars for a month.

When it comes to my family it’s quite simple I don’t play.

Thankfully I am married to a man who puts his family first every single time and would never entertain the idea of anyone moving into our home. It’s our home not a hotel that people can just schlep in and out of.

Right now you have a Ray & Partner problem. If I was in your position I would find a place ASAP for me & my daughter. Your Partner is a complete waste of space & I see no redeeming qualities.

A Parents responsibility no matter how old their children get is always them & you have 1 simple question you need to ask yourself how long are you going to stay & take all this crap??

Nothing will change until you pull up your big girl pants & tell both of these idiots they are welcome to this place and the inevitable shit show that their arrangement will bring.

Give notice to your Partner & Landlord and tell him he needs to look at who is staying in his house as you are leaving as you want no part of the mess that they are going to bring.

OP, make a decision don’t sit there reading through the replies. This is your real life situation deal with it & show your Partner you won’t put up with him thinking he can control you. The man is now a walking red flag 🚩

@TrickySituation22

Absolutely bang out of order! How dare 'Ray' have the nerve! And your husband is being a dick, too! Stick to your guns with a firm NO & I'd be seriously considering ending your sub-letting agreement with bloody Ray!!

He's your partners friend your your child's partner whil different dynamic. Give him notice to leave

The crux of this is you’re living like 4 housemates, so your partner’s logic is sound in that regard. You all split all bills equally, rent equally, you are equal housemates in all relevant ways.

Essentially, you have sub-let half of the house to someone of your choice and he’s done the same. So he wants everyone to be treated fairly and have equal say in house rules/what is acceptable.

You aren’t unreasonable at all to not want this random woman to live with you, but you’re unreasonable to not see that the crux of the issue is different opinions between you and your partner on what your living arrangement actually is. You seem to think it’s a couple and child, with a lodger. He thinks it’s 3 rooms occupied by housemates (2 of whom are also in a couple).

For clarification, the house is rented and in mine and my partner's names. The landlord is aware of our long term guests i.e Ray and my daughter and we all pay 1/4 rent and bills.

Would (not) girlfriend if Ray be paying 1/5 of rent and bills?

I would find a flat with your daughter and move out. Your partner sounds like hard work!

Your DP is being unreasonable. Even if he views it as a house share situation, half the people living in it are opposed to the new occupant moving in, so it shouldn't happen.
Him saying that you or DD are no longer allowed guests is retaliatory (he presumably never had a problem before) and comparing apples to oranges. You do not know this person, it is not for a short determinate duration, ....
Would the landlord even allow this? It's in our lease we cannot have guests stay more than 21 days for example.

I don't know if it's possible, but if it comes to it and negotiations with partner don't have a good outcome, then I would try to re-assign the lease into partner, Ray and partners' names.

Then get the hell out of Dodge and rent with your daughter. I know it sounds simple on paper, and maybe partner's reaction was knee jerk.

However I would stand my ground and refuse to have a fifth person there, particularly since she appears to have "issues".

Kick him out fgs, he has no right to make demands on wether your Ds bf can stay or not. Just give him s few days notice snd he must leave then the problem is solved.

Don't have him dictating the terms, its your home and you and your DH call the shots because numbnuts is massivly overstepping the mark, and is taking advantage. You and your family don't deserve this stress so let him deal with it.

It is not Ray, it is DP who says it.

DDs bf

It’s basically sounds like a house share. He’s happy with that to save money, you aren’t. I’d be looking to leave

HRTFT

this woman has now split up with her long-standing boyfriend and has nowhere to go and will be coming to live with us until she can find somewhere

he is saying in that case no one can stay, not even my daughter's boyfriend, nor any of my friends, ever, not even for one night.

But this woman isn't coming to stay is she though, she's affectively moving in and will be living there until such times she feels ready to move out.

There's a big difference between you or your DD having a friend/family member stay for a night or two to someone being there 24/7.

In all honesty if that was me I'd be telling your DP that if she moves in you'll be removing your name from the rental agreement and moving out, and actually go through with it.

So your boyfriend is now calling you misogynist names and is defending his misogynistic friend. What a surprise.

This is over, isn't it.

I would REALLY enjoy moving out, if I was you.

Not necessarily so simple
We have no idea what the terms of OP's Tenancy agreement are and without this information nobody can tell her to just move out.

how long is left on your lease? I’d move out, just you and your daughter, and leave them to it.

Hell no. Ray either moves out with her or she finds somewhere.
She's had no interest in you, she's used Ray and will now use you.
This would end in tears.

If you are not married and if you are all paying 1/4 and if your partner moved his mate in, it means he views you as a flatmate, not a partner. This idiotic outburst about nobody being able to stay if this rando woman does not stay also shows that he is not your partner, but a flatmate. In a way it is good it happened - it showed you that you were labouring under a misapprehension, as they say. Re-evaluate your 'relationship and move out!

Has your dp never heard the words “tipping point”? @TrickySituation22

Ray needs to go, and a no to the woman moving in. And if DP wants to go with them he can too.

why is he not on board with you on this? Who the fuck does he think he is making a decision to agree to this shit show without at least considering talking to you before making a decision?

This

DH, Ray and Piss-taker can jog on.

I'd be VERY clear to DH that he is making a fool of himself in prioritising a flaky woman he has never met above his family. You might want to point out the ridiculousness of DH thinking he is 'losing face' to a bloke who can't even get his shit together to find a flat or girlfriend in his mid-thirties.

Ray is a twat but your DH needs to stop making YOU the party-pooper and own and solve the problem.

Whether it seems reasonable to have someone else staying is affected by whether you see it as a 4-way house share or yours & DP's home. BUT doing this without prior agreement is TOTALLY unacceptable, whatever the perspective, especially given the legal implications. And to care more about his own embarrassment than you being comfortable in your own home!! OP who should be calling who 'controlling'?

If DP apologises and this is not typical behaviour (big IF there) I might be tempted to agree that she can stay at weekends when Ray is there but not when he isn't. Presumably this is the case for other friends staying, like DD's boyfriend. It sounds like a recipe for disaster but it's difficult to say no to this if it's 1/4 rent share and you have other people staying. I would tell him though that his lack of regard for you has made you question your relationship and that if you and DD are uncomfortable at home you will move out. His response to that will tell you something important.

Why are you having a person like ray around your daughter
If he makes you feel uncomfortable,he's obviously making her feel uncomfortable.
Ray needs to go
And get a nice lady lodger in instead

Is he your husband or partner, and if partner how long have you been together? How old is your daughter? If you are not married and haven't been together long, then he is not your daughters stepfather, he's your boyfriend, and as such does not get to dictate whether she can have friends stay. Honestly it sounds as though you have sleepwalked into a shit situation, where you (and your daughter) are sharing a home with a grown man who makes crude sexual remarks about women, who is apparently incapable or unwilling to get his own home (even if its just a house share) at the age of 30. Your boyfriend isn't much better. I suspect housing his mate is the priority, your relationship is a means to this end, as he clearly isn't putting you or your daughters needs ahead of his friend. You don't say how old you are but is this really what you want? Personally I would sit down and work out how you can afford to live alone with your daughter, instead of subjecting her to this shit show.