Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I probably am being unreasonable but i need to vent.....

336 replies

smileitlightsupyourface · 17/02/2025 21:05

I have an "friend" who is on benefits. She receives universal credit, PIP ( for MS) and has a car on the motability scheme. I know she has MS and has bad days but she lives a very active life...goes to the gym regularly, goes on active days out with the children each week and has a very active social life. This friend has literally never ever worked a job. She had kids young and has always been on benefits. Her dc have expensive hobbies such as horse riding and golf and are also season ticket holders at a premiership football club. She has none of the dc fathers on the scene and her family don't have much to do with them. She is constantly posting pictures on social media of her dc doing their hobbies and expensive days out. They are currently on a very expensive long haul holiday for half term. Its really starting to grate on me that she doesn't work and never has but lives this type of lifestyle while i work full time and as well as being constantly knackered i would struggle to afford her lifestyle. I know im being unreasonable but she seems very tone deaf when posting all this stuff on social media when so many are struggling to pay bills. I really don't want to be bitter but its winding me up!

OP posts:
Ahardyfool · 18/02/2025 20:16

Maybe you’d like to also trade your life for her health condition OP? My sister has MS. Trust me when I say that no bloody holiday makes up for things it takes away. Shame on you for your ridiculous envy and lack of empathy.

TitusMoan · 18/02/2025 20:19

catlover123456789 · 18/02/2025 19:07

Indeed, and some can't. But it sounds like the OP's friend was well for about 20 years, and people who work have been funding that. We are flat broke in this country, we need to get more people off benefits and into work.

Show quote history

At least half the benefits in this country to working age people are paid to people who work. Unemployment is only about 4%. Loads of the job vacancies are for jobs which pay so little that you would be entitled to Universal Credit on them. Do your homework before you come out with the usual Daily Mail shit.

sparrowhae · 18/02/2025 20:33

rosalynd34 · 18/02/2025 15:58

I have to say this thread has been awesome for me so thank you OP for your sheer ignorance and lack of awareness.

I live day to day with worry about judgement because of my rare good days, in case I come across too healthy and happen to enjoy myself so much that someone narrow minded like yourself would judge me.

Unfortunately in the past ive been ridiculed by family for having to use a wheelchair and also talked about for days where I felt strong enough to try without it. I feel judged when I'm well enough to venture out on a day out, judged by people for having to use the benefits system. I stress on my bad days because all I want is to consistently be well enough to work, to do anything, to feel like I can contribute and not feel so useless. I feel bad for having good days, like I'm a fraud, but lately they have been so few and far between.

But this thread has shown me for every misinformed, judgey, bitchy person, there are 10s who understand, who won't judge and they do get it. I think those who understand dont voice it and so all we hear is the nasty or ill informed voices, online, in person and mostly in the media. So it's so easy to get down on yourself for being ill, even though none of us would choose this. But I really do appreciate hearing how many do get it, so thank you.

Next time I feel judged, I will remember all those who do get it and remember that, at least on mumsnet, these people were in the minority.

I thought the same, I'm really heartened by this thread.

Tapofthemorning · 18/02/2025 20:39

catlover123456789 · 18/02/2025 18:50

I can see why you are annoyed that when she was well for 20 years, she was on benefits. Its so frustrating for those of us that work, especially those of us with health conditions that we have to manage alongside working.

Yeah, I really hate those seriously ill shysters who milk the system with their... (checks notes) MS. I wonder what's worse? The enduring pain or the knowledge it's chronic, and you'll never, ever, really be healthy?

Tapofthemorning · 18/02/2025 20:46

Zeborah · 18/02/2025 19:08

Having MS is grim. I’m retired and get a good pension but am also in receipt of PIP; believe me it’s not easy to get. On the surface & on SM I probably look like im fine, but in reality every day is a mental struggle & I want to give up. But I don’t, because I took the decision to make the most of every day so I go out when I can and travel as much as possible. I am fortunate enough to have supportive friends to help me around. Never judge a disabled person, as you don’t know the invisible symptoms they are dealing with.

100pc agree. Also have a serious disability and am regularly told I look well. I don't feel well. I feel ill so much of the time. I have lost SO much of my life because of it. I'm always in hospital, I take an insane amount of medication. Some days are better and I treasure them but it's really, really, really hard. I wouldn't give a shit about you and your petty "need to vent" if you were my friend because I'd have endured far worse. But I do care about greater societal perceptions and this notion of "get back to work". Great. It's harmful and toxic.

celticprincess · 18/02/2025 21:31

smileitlightsupyourface · 17/02/2025 22:03

@Pigeonqueen people can't help being disabled and never working. The person im talking about has only had her illness for two years but has been on benefits since leaving school at 16 ( she is now 39). She has never worked through choice not because of her disability.

MS is hard to diagnose. She may have been living with painful and routing symptoms for much longer and only just got the diagnosis late when she got it a couple of years ago.

You’d hate me. I’m a single parent. Part time working and top up with UC. My kids have expensive hobbies. Grandparents pay for one hobby and DLA for my other child pays for their hobby. My social media only shows the good things.

XenoBitch · 18/02/2025 22:17

catlover123456789 · 18/02/2025 19:07

Indeed, and some can't. But it sounds like the OP's friend was well for about 20 years, and people who work have been funding that. We are flat broke in this country, we need to get more people off benefits and into work.

Show quote history

We are not broke because of people on benefits. They are just the easiest target for blame.
What job could OP's friend do that would take her off benefits? What employer is going to take on someone with zero work history, and who now has a degenerative condition?

hcee19 · 18/02/2025 22:22

Have you ever given any thought to the fact she maybe just giving the best life to her children that she can, while she is able too. This friend of yours will have a very tough road ahead of her due to her illness...
I bet she would swop with you in a heartbeat....Money cannot give her everything she wants, unfortunately...Always be grateful for what you have...

ThatZippyLurker · 18/02/2025 22:34

We have a friend of the family whose daughter has never worked a day in her life and gets DLA for epilepsy and has two children with SEN so gets DLA for them both too now. She had saved so much money she has stashed £30k in her mums account and goes abroad 4 times a year. Mind blowing.

XenoBitch · 18/02/2025 22:52

ThatZippyLurker · 18/02/2025 22:34

We have a friend of the family whose daughter has never worked a day in her life and gets DLA for epilepsy and has two children with SEN so gets DLA for them both too now. She had saved so much money she has stashed £30k in her mums account and goes abroad 4 times a year. Mind blowing.

If you think she is doing wrong, then feel free to report her.
Otherwise it comes across as being jealous of someone with epilepsy, who has 2 SEN children.

MurdoMunro · 18/02/2025 22:58

Mind blowing is right.

Bring me the receipts - showing me the figures that 3 x DLA leaves a 30k holiday slush fund. I’ve looked and I don’t see it. I say bollocks. Nasty bollocks.

teonaidh · 18/02/2025 23:01

you make a lot of incredibly strange assumptions about someone you admit yourself you don’t know very well and you should mind your own business and stop getting wound up about other people and how they manage their lives.

BlueFlowers5 · 18/02/2025 23:14

She's got MS.

rosalynd34 · 18/02/2025 23:16

MurdoMunro · 18/02/2025 22:58

Mind blowing is right.

Bring me the receipts - showing me the figures that 3 x DLA leaves a 30k holiday slush fund. I’ve looked and I don’t see it. I say bollocks. Nasty bollocks.

Not only a £30k fund but also funding 4 holidays a year! Honestly I swear people make up utter crap and don't even consider the actual maths of the crap they are spouting.

MurdoMunro · 18/02/2025 23:18

rosalynd34 · 18/02/2025 23:16

Not only a £30k fund but also funding 4 holidays a year! Honestly I swear people make up utter crap and don't even consider the actual maths of the crap they are spouting.

Show quote history

Uh-huh. Especially as it’s so easy to check. I guess people just assume that everyone’s as thick as they are.

XenoBitch · 18/02/2025 23:20

rosalynd34 · 18/02/2025 23:16

Not only a £30k fund but also funding 4 holidays a year! Honestly I swear people make up utter crap and don't even consider the actual maths of the crap they are spouting.

Show quote history

Yep. Not only that, they don't work, so this £30k is what they are saving.
The maths don't add up.

Is a typical example of someone trying to incite others to benefit bash.

pollymere · 18/02/2025 23:24

She might not live to see her fiftieth birthday. Let her enjoy life and get on living yours

XenoBitch · 18/02/2025 23:27

BlueFlowers5 · 18/02/2025 23:14

She's got MS.

I think OP thinks it means 'Milking the System'

catlover123456789 · 18/02/2025 23:32

TitusMoan · 18/02/2025 20:19

At least half the benefits in this country to working age people are paid to people who work. Unemployment is only about 4%. Loads of the job vacancies are for jobs which pay so little that you would be entitled to Universal Credit on them. Do your homework before you come out with the usual Daily Mail shit.

Show quote history

But the op has said this person did not work even when healthy. She isn't talking about a person who worked and was topped up with benefits. Don't swear at me, it's disrespectful, and a terrible attempt at trying to make your point more powerful.
Unemployment benefits cost this country billions a year, official stats from 2023-2024 put the bill at 1.2Bn. The 4% /1.5M people unemployed doesn't represent the total who arent working. That number is more like 11M, which includes people 'not actively looking for work': source, bbc.)
See, I put down my copy of DM for a bit and did my homework.
I stand by my point. This country is flat broke and we need to get more people into work.

Stardust75 · 18/02/2025 23:37

I have MS. I think you need to educate yourself on what someone's life is like trying to get by each day with this disease. Each day is different but progressively worse, not knowing whether tomorrow will be the day your legs stop working or you wake up unable to talk or you can't see. It is a daily struggle. Now I enjoy walking and travelling as much as I can, ON A GOOD DAY IN REMISSION because I'm not sure how long I will be able to. I had to stop driving so that has now been taken from me, and I am now in the process of facing having to stop work. Its an awful disease. But I don't tell people about the bad things in an attempt to be positive. This lady is probably doing the same and trying her best to give her children a good fun life before she gets worse.You are not this person's friend and you should really stop judging on something of which you have zero understanding. I hope this lady continues to get all the financial help she needs and is entitled to. And I hope you, and the other gossipy school mums, never have to face progressive illness. Hopefully you'll also get a little basic empathy for those less fortunate l.

XenoBitch · 18/02/2025 23:41

catlover123456789 · 18/02/2025 23:32

But the op has said this person did not work even when healthy. She isn't talking about a person who worked and was topped up with benefits. Don't swear at me, it's disrespectful, and a terrible attempt at trying to make your point more powerful.
Unemployment benefits cost this country billions a year, official stats from 2023-2024 put the bill at 1.2Bn. The 4% /1.5M people unemployed doesn't represent the total who arent working. That number is more like 11M, which includes people 'not actively looking for work': source, bbc.)
See, I put down my copy of DM for a bit and did my homework.
I stand by my point. This country is flat broke and we need to get more people into work.

Show quote history

If you do not have disabilities/illness that means you can't work, then you can't simply opt to not work and claim benefits. That is not how it works.
Maybe years back, a mother could claim whilst her child was still young, and not be expected to look for work for many years. Nowadays, I believe mothers are expected to work when their child is 3. And OP's friend is 39 and already a gran. She may have had her first child young.
OP says she had no disabilities before her MS diagnosis. Well, she would have had symptoms well before then. She may had had other issues going on that OP did not know about. Not everyone on disability benefits is open about them, because as you can see by this thread - people are judgemental as fuck.
Also, OP's friend is on PIP, which is not an out of work benefit. Even if she got a job, she would still be on it, and have her Motability car.

AngelicKaty · 19/02/2025 00:07

ThatZippyLurker · 18/02/2025 22:34

We have a friend of the family whose daughter has never worked a day in her life and gets DLA for epilepsy and has two children with SEN so gets DLA for them both too now. She had saved so much money she has stashed £30k in her mums account and goes abroad 4 times a year. Mind blowing.

Which is an utterly meaningless little anecdote when you don't tell us what level of DLA she gets herself for the Daily Living and Mobility elements and what levels each of her children get for the Care and Mobility elements, nor what time period she's supposed to have "stashed" this £30k. But hey, why let the facts spoil a good story, eh? 🙄

AngelicKaty · 19/02/2025 00:22

catlover123456789 · 18/02/2025 23:32

But the op has said this person did not work even when healthy. She isn't talking about a person who worked and was topped up with benefits. Don't swear at me, it's disrespectful, and a terrible attempt at trying to make your point more powerful.
Unemployment benefits cost this country billions a year, official stats from 2023-2024 put the bill at 1.2Bn. The 4% /1.5M people unemployed doesn't represent the total who arent working. That number is more like 11M, which includes people 'not actively looking for work': source, bbc.)
See, I put down my copy of DM for a bit and did my homework.
I stand by my point. This country is flat broke and we need to get more people into work.

Show quote history

And what conclusion do you draw about the almost 11m "not actively looking for work"?
Have a read of this to see if it helps: BBC News - Who are the millions of Britons not working, and why? - BBC News
www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-52660591

ilovesooty · 19/02/2025 00:29

catlover123456789 · 18/02/2025 23:32

But the op has said this person did not work even when healthy. She isn't talking about a person who worked and was topped up with benefits. Don't swear at me, it's disrespectful, and a terrible attempt at trying to make your point more powerful.
Unemployment benefits cost this country billions a year, official stats from 2023-2024 put the bill at 1.2Bn. The 4% /1.5M people unemployed doesn't represent the total who arent working. That number is more like 11M, which includes people 'not actively looking for work': source, bbc.)
See, I put down my copy of DM for a bit and did my homework.
I stand by my point. This country is flat broke and we need to get more people into work.

Show quote history

If we're going to talk about the country being flat broke, DWP expenditure on benefits (out of work benefit, UC, PIP etc) is dwarfed by the expenditure on pensions and related benefits.

WhenICalledYouLastNightFromTesco · 19/02/2025 01:07

ilovesooty · 19/02/2025 00:29

If we're going to talk about the country being flat broke, DWP expenditure on benefits (out of work benefit, UC, PIP etc) is dwarfed by the expenditure on pensions and related benefits.

Show quote history

I totally disagree with the OP, but pensions aren't really benefits are they?