Why are so many people worried that it’s selfish to have one child?

[1970girl]

The old stereotype of an only child was they have a lot of material things. I don’t agree with this necessarily. Also I don’t believe that a child ‘needs’ siblings - even though potentially of course they can be a good thing.

But if an only child is traditionally thought to be privileged materially - although I don’t buy into ANY aspect of the only child stereotype - then why are some posters worried that having one child is ‘selfish?’

Not that you're trying to start a bun fight or anything

You're inviting posters to say why having just one child is selfish, knowing that people with only one child will read it. It's also a very good way of making parents with secondary infertility feel pretty crap too.

I had someone tell me once that it was wrong of me to not have a 2nd child - never mind that l went into my menopause almost straight after having dd.
Wasn't even someone l knew that well - just an old guy that used to be a customer in the shop l worked in!

Ah parental guilt at its finest. If you have two/three/four/five kids you then worry you're selfish and being unfair on the oldest as well!

I have 1 child. I feel happy that I can give him everything he wants/needs within reason (and may not be able to do this with multiple!) and give him all my time when not working/he's not at school. Im happy with that! But I definitely still get the niggling feeling it's 'unfair' on him to not have a sibling.

In a nutshell because they believe the parent is being “selfish” having a child they want without thinking of that child’s “need” to have a sibling.

Said posters rarely acknowledge that, in many cases, the parents haven’t had more for very good, unavoidable reasons they might not be happy about (eg fertility, medical, financial, break up). Let alone the couples who chose to have one and are totally happy with that decision.

Mumsnet wants those of us who only have one child (whether by choice or not) to keep a) flagellating ourselves about it and b) posting on this website about it to drive clicks.

It's better for capitalism to keep women in a constant state of guilt and self doubt and the "selfish only child" stereotype is just another stick to beat us with.

Who cares how many children other people have? You should only expect judgement if you keep having babies and expect the government to prop you up.

I’m 50 and an only child and no one has ever said anything negative to me in my life, and I now have an only child and likewise - no one has ever said anything negative like DC is spoilt in any way or that we are selfish to have only had one.

People really don’t care. And believe me the older you get, the less you care about what other people think - it’s so liberating.

Anything from 0 kids to 20 kids is selfish. No one can ever win. Just live your life and not care what others say.

People tend to think in stereotypes.

What about the amount of posts from people being non-contact with family members?

I'm a solo mum of one, now an adult.

He's got myriad relationships with extended family members and friends, some since primary school.

YABU, I don't think very many people think any such thing.

I've got one child, I never had any negative comments whatever.

Only one person has ever said I should give my only a child a sibling.

I've actually been advised not to have a second by many parents with 2!

I LOVED being an only child - I have two of my own and I'm glad I didn't have a sibling.

No one really cares how many children someone has.

I'm a 61yo single mum of an only boy.

Three years ago, I needed cancer treatment and my sisters rallied round. I only needed help for 20 days in total but not sure how I would have coped without them. I am generally independent &resourceful but it would have been tough.

I worry that ds won't have that sort of support when I am no longer around.

I'm an only child, I loved it and still do. My DH is 1 of three and doesn't really like his brother and sister much. I have a brilliant, close relationship with my parents and wonderful friends. When my dad was sick with cancer a few years ago, i didnt miss having a sibling, it doesnt cross my mind as i dont have one. Like every family set up, you can be happy as an only or miserable and lonely as one of 4.

Indeed. In fact, only the Radford family with their 21 kids are unselfish

Why does ANYONE care how many children someone has? I genuinely don't understand.

(I'm child-free so no skin in the game, but if anyone can shed light...?)

I personally wouldn’t want an only child because I was an only child and felt incredibly lonely at times. On the other hand I had wonderful relationships with older relatives that I wouldn’t have had if I had a sibling as I was often taken as their plus one to events. It’s a very personal decision and I wouldn’t judge anyone for either choice.

You could argue that anyone who has any number of kids is selfish 🤷‍♀️

DD is happy and doesn't want a sibling. DH and I are happy and don't want any more kids. Anyone outside of this triangle with any kind of opinions on our family size can shove it, basically.

It makes no sense at all. Many children would have much happier childhoods without their sibling/s, others have their lives enriched by siblings. You have no idea which dynamic you'll get and choosing not to roll that dice isn't selfish at all.

Anyone who has more children than they can physically, emotionally and financially take care of is selfish. If you have 0, 1, 2 or 3 and the children's needs are being met then it's nobody's business.

Because it can be a bit shit and isolated being an only child. Even siblings who don't get on look out for each other. See it with DH's lot all the time.

It isn’t selfish provided that you can fund them 100% yourselves, are in good enough health, have time to care for them and have enough space for them.

Well I battle the thought that it is selfish because I have both seen it said on here and been told it IRL many times. Logically I know it isn't but I have internalised a lot of society's messages.

I spent 23-24 doing failed IVF for a sibling for DS and although I feel utter relief that I will never have to take IVF meds again I am really struggling with the fact that I have failed to provide DS with a sibling.

I haven't spoken to my sibling in about 5 years. We absolutely do not "look out for each other".