Why are so many people worried that it’s selfish to have one child?

[1970girl]

The old stereotype of an only child was they have a lot of material things. I don’t agree with this necessarily. Also I don’t believe that a child ‘needs’ siblings - even though potentially of course they can be a good thing.

But if an only child is traditionally thought to be privileged materially - although I don’t buy into ANY aspect of the only child stereotype - then why are some posters worried that having one child is ‘selfish?’

wtf?

Which bit confused you?

“A sad little Christmases spent with 3-4 people or whatever.”

Wow. A shame that having a big family hasn’t made you a very nice person.

I hated it I had more material possessions than friends but jings I was lonely no one to talk to when family life was rough and when your parents die I believe it's more traumatic because no one is there from your shared history. That's it no one to reminisce the good or bad of your childhood
Children don't feel it so much but it's beyond shit as an adult
I always said I would never have 1 and didn't for that. I wanted them badly for my husband and I but also so no one would left with no immediate family to call on when we go

The lack of shared history thing is what worries me about DS being an only but as I am not willing to put myself through the hell that was IVF again I will just have to live with the worry.

Overall DS is an incredibly fortunate person and all lives have some downsides. Mine are an abusive childhood and struggles with mental health. DS lacks a sibling. No life is perfect.

I don't judge any person for deciding to have one child. But in my own experience having our second DD has been a net positive thing for our family, and especially DD1. Her behaviour and empathy has improved massively since having a little sister.

Having children is incredibly selfish

Nobody has a baby for the good of the universe or the good of the unborn person

It's to satisfy your own needs and desires

He will have friends. Single children find their own family

Happy with your first and only thread on MN now, OP? You’ve attracted the inevitable range of unpleasant opinions about one-child families, including ‘it’s selfish’, ‘they’ll have to care for elderly parents alone’, ‘children with siblings have more empathy’, and (a new one for me) ‘small Christmases with 3-4 people are shit ’. Well done.

@BeDeepKoala yes kids don't play out with each other as much as they used to. Why is that? Probably because they're glued to devices nowadays.
Only children therefore will probably end up playing with friends online.

It's a shame, but in some ways modern living probably suits only children better.

I'm not worried about it being selfish when I think about it logically. I don't value siblings at all so don't feel guilt there emotionally either.

But my god, people just don't stop banging on about it. Even when you know they're chatting shit and you're happy with your decision, if you hear people constantly harping on about how your choice is wrong it does start to sting.

i had an only and never got quizzed or criticised. I’ve also got siblings and we barely have contact . We have not fallen out and love each other but there is no real connection. Different personalities. Even as kids .

large family Christmas'/birthdays/etc are a huge source of enjoyment, and a lot better than sad little Christmases spent with 3-4 people or whatever

Omg, the number of threads I've seen here about truly awful 'large christmases' as the three of us had a lovely day together.

Of course many big families are lovely, but some aren't. Many small families are lovely, some aren't.

thats why its best for families to have 3-4 kids (or more) since its very likely everyone will have at least one sibling they are close friends with in adulthood.

My parents had 3 kids. None of us are close friends in adulthood. My sister and I speak occasionally, that's as good as it gets.

It also means that your children's children will have a lot of cousins, which results in a nice extended family dynamic which is definitely a huge positive

Last time I saw any of my many cousins was at my nan's funeral six years ago. There's no bad blood, we're just living different lives in different parts of the country.

sad little Christmases spent with 3-4 people

Our Christmases are amazing but thanks for your concern; sorry you're missing out because you're trying to please dozens of people all with different ideas of what a good Christmas looks like.

I know it may be hard to imagine this, because your attitude probably prevents you from having first-hand experience, but there's this thing called "friends". You're allowed to have them over at Christmas and everything if you want. They're like siblings, but you get to choose them yourself so it's even better.

"Why do people say it's selfish"?

Because those people are idiots.

HTH

actually its a good argument for an only
I KNOW you dont need a sibling bond to be ok in life
I wasnt stretched beyond my limits having to play referee between kids or split my time

We live interstate from cousins too

2 we dont see even if we were close as we are NC with their useless father
As a family of introverts, we were the ones that left early at big family get togethers when we lived in same state, it was exhausting for us, too much drama and noise
A big family would be too much for me, dh and dd

The vast majority do. Complete estrangement is rare.
Whereas if you are an only child, that's it.

I knew that would put the cat amongst the pigeons.

MOST people get some support from their siblings. As an only child, you are only forever.

I was pretty happy as an only child when I was little. As an adult, I would love a sibling.

Should have qualified that with 'most' - see replies above.

I was told it’s selfish to not have children, then it’s selfish to just have one 😱. Also, lots of children (3 or more) is selfish and a drain on society. So i guess the only acceptable number is 2 🤔 or multiples 🤔🤔

Of course not. I'm not an idiot. But I should have said 'most'.

Yes I am selfish. I have a challenging and demanding career that makes a difference to people's lives. I have a DC with additional needs that is a challenge to manage. And I have a DH with a challenging and demanding career, which includes being away 50% of the time during the last recession at the time when we might have considered more DCs.

I am happy with the choices I made and the outcomes for our family.

There’s this, but I have a sibling who lives the other side of the world. I’m very much an only child when parents are sick and need support.

There’s no definites and we all just need to make decisions based on what we know at the time is right for us.

I am an only child.

I really didn't like it....I remember whenever the 'make a wish' scenarios came up, eg: blowing out candles on a birthday cake or stirring the christmas pudding, my wish every time was to have a brother or sister.I have always gravitated towards being around young children, and then working with them, and was obsessed with baby dolls (and babies in general) as a child.
When friends came over and went home I felt very lonely.When I saw others with siblings I felt very envious.I didn't have any same age or local cousins either which probably didn't help.Maybe if i had a bigger family i wouldn't have minded being an only child so much.

Due to my experience i swore I would never have one child even if it meant going through the adoption process.I was lucky to be able to have more than one naturally.
HOWEVER, everyone's experiences are different and I would certainly never call my parents selfish.
My parents were older when they had me and my mum had an emergency cesarian which I gather was abit risky for us both.My mum was also an only child and liked it so thought I would be OK with it too I think.
Also, I cannot deny I had a very privelidged childhood (although I would have traded it all for a sibling to be fair) and i got LOTS of parental attention.

I would though, call DH's parents selfish.They had 4 kids despite living in poverty, bad mental health etc and made his older sister look after the younger ones.His mum just liked the novelty and attention of a 'new baby' and when they all grew up did the same with dogs and grandchildren.

I think you're right in that you said it's an old stereotype OP.

It's 2025 and there are lots of reasons people opt to have one or even no children these days.

Times have moved on. I don't think the majority of people think that only children are spoiled, overly privileged, strange beings any more!