Why are so many people worried that it’s selfish to have one child?

[1970girl]

The old stereotype of an only child was they have a lot of material things. I don’t agree with this necessarily. Also I don’t believe that a child ‘needs’ siblings - even though potentially of course they can be a good thing.

But if an only child is traditionally thought to be privileged materially - although I don’t buy into ANY aspect of the only child stereotype - then why are some posters worried that having one child is ‘selfish?’

I've got an only child - we don't struggle for money or time, I'm happy to be coming out of some of the difficult bits of parenting, and he's never wanted a sibling.

In contrast, I'm one of three, and was probably pretty neglected as a child.

I don't know, I don't really think there's a right number of children to have.

Having siblings, I was perfectly happy initially having just 1. DH is an only child and he was very keen for DD1 to have a sibling, despite having a great friendship group, a good relationship with his parents (although very intense at times which he puts down to being an only child, I put it more down to MIL personality), a big extended family with lots of cousins, he still felt his childhood was quite lonely at key points, like Christmas when his friends were all with their families. So it was definitely a case of us both wanting what we hadn't had 'the grass is always greener'.

We did go on to have DD2, and I'm very thankful we did, I think DD1 wouldn't be half as rounded and resilient without her, very different but complementary personalities, which makes us very lucky, and might change.

I don't think it's ever selfish to have 1 though, for many children it will be a good option. It is potentially selfish though to have many more than you can afford/have capacity to look after.

Here we go.

No. My brother is useless and when I was younger, physically abusive. Don't tell people what their experience is.

DD is a happy only.

I’ve never encountered any parents of onlies who are worried it’s selfish, I have heard many times them says “such and such a person says it’s selfish”, which is very different.

It is selfish to only have one child.
It's also selfish to have more than one child.
It's selfish to not have any children.
That's just life OP.

Are any thoughts/questions actually allowed on MN? Like at all? Or is everything just 'starting a bun fight' ? What would be the point in the platform?

I'm an only child. My parents may have considered more children, prior to my birth. However, my Mum had pre-eclampsia, I was born 11 weeks early weighing 2lb 8oz and wasn't expected to live. This was 1974, times were different - Mum was 29, and she was considered 'old' to be having a first baby, most women in the maternity ward were on their 3rd or 4th at Mum's age (or younger!). Medical staff couldn't say for sure Mum wouldn't have pre-eclampsia again and told her she'd need to spend 6 months of the pregnancy in hospital. It was a no-brainer - be thankful for the healthy child you have. My son is also an only child, I had an horrendous birth and my body had also previously gone through a serious illness that nearly killed me. Again, be thankful for the healthy child I have. The number of children a couple have is down to choice (sometimes) and other times due to circumstances out of their control. No one should criticise others choices, because it's simply no one else's business. People should think before they open their mouth, and ask 'When are you having a second baby' or 'Why aren't you having more children' or 'It's selfish to only have one' comments - you don't necessarily know all the details of someone's decisions and no couple should have to explain themselves.

I had one child because it suited me. It just wasn’t something I wanted to do again.

People only think it's selfish because society has led them to believe that. In my grandparents' generation it was normal to have several children, so naturally my parents' generation followed suit.
I'm not sure how many people actually believe it's selfish, or that it's considered selfish at a societal level so they just inherited the belief.

It's a long winded way of saying that most people actually don't give a fuck.

It's like MN is literally the only place I've ever seen anyone give elderly care as a reason for having siblings. It never even occurred to me to think about that when planning my family.

I’ve certainly read all of those arguments on here. I’ve concluded that it’s fine to be a bit selfish sometimes, particularly when it comes to growing things in my womb.

Same. The most selfish reason by societal standards right?

I just can't be arsed going through pregnancy again. My DD is fabulous, has been a very easy child. Our little family of 3 is perfect. My mental health is finally where I want it, just about.

It should be about choice, not what society expects you to do, or what your child supposedly 'needs' or wants.

You really don't understand that there aren't downsides for some only children? How odd.

Estranged since 15, i dont even know what part of Adelaide my brother lives in

My DH, is NC with his brother due to him being a shit person and owing us money

So no siblings do not look out for each other

One and done here by choice - my choice
I refused to go through pregnancy, birth and babyhood again

Ive been called selfish, told id regret it, told DD will be selfish and weird, told she will be lonely
My MIL took till dd was 12 before she gave up the fight of me having a 2nd

Is "fertility" really an unavoidable reason?

Of course, infertility can happen to anyone, but in practice the main cause of infertility is having kids too late. Yeah, if you have your first kid at 35+ then you might find that you cant have anymore, but thats hardly "unavoidable"

(and yes of course infertility can happen to people who have kids at a more sensible age, but its rarer)

@BeDeepKoala the Time Machine you use to meet your partner at the exact right time, and make enough money and be settled enough must be cool. You should probably patent it.

The reality is that a lot of people dont prioritise finding a stable partner and preparing for kids in their 20s because they are too busy with travelling, partying, focusing on career, etc. You can say thats a perfectly valid choice if you like, but you cant say that the resulting fertility problems are "unavoidable"

As an only child myself, I think it is selfish.

My parents are now getting very old and they cling on to me and worry about every little thing and when they pass away, I will have to deal with all that alone. By which I mean the practical and emotional aspects.

My own children are so close, they are like best friends. I would have loved this.

Also regarding only children, the big difference between the modern world and (say) 20 years ago is that its much, much less common for kids to play outside these days and make friends locally. This means that for many children without siblings, they are likely to be spending a lot of time at home by themselves, or playing with other children in highly structured, adult supervised activities (after school clubs, sports, etc). Its hard to believe that the lack of free, unstructured, play doesnt have any negative effects.

Yeah you can arrange playdates once or twice a week or whatever, but its not a replacement for having constant unfettered interaction with other kids, whether thats a few siblings, or playing outside with local children. Its the death of free play which imo leads to quite a lot of childhood loneliness, and the idea that you can replace this by just helicoptering them into a million different clubs and afterschool clubs just seems like a massive cope.

Of course if you compare the reality of your life with the fantasy of another, you'll assume it would be better.

My brother doesn't do anything for my parents. Or me. He does create drama and unhappiness though. I'm sure your imaginary siblings wouldn't be like that.

These posts are silly. "I have a brother and I dont get on well with him" isn't an argument for having an only child, its an argument for having a big family.

Of course you arent guaranteed to get on with every single one of your siblings -- thats why its best for families to have 3-4 kids (or more) since its very likely everyone will have at least one sibling they are close friends with in adulthood. It also means that your children's children will have a lot of cousins, which results in a nice extended family dynamic which is definitely a huge positive (large family Christmas'/birthdays/etc are a huge source of enjoyment, and a lot better than sad little Christmases spent with 3-4 people or whatever).

My mum was one of six (Irish catholic family) and even in her 60s her best friends are two of her siblings (she isnt' that close to the others). I grew up with lots of cousiins -- its a much nicer way to have a family, and I honestly think people who dont have this are missing out.

I would never question someone’s choice if they are having children and then if they do, how many children they plan.

I think we are all given our lives to live how we choose and for me, being a mum is not the only thing I want to do all my life. Putting my body and mind through more than one DC is not my life plan.

I expect my DC to make their own minds up on what they want as a family. For me I won’t have a second baby for the sole reason for my DC to have a sibling (and sadly I have had two pregnancies and one didn’t make it - I don’t want my life journey to be three pregnancies on my body - it’s enough).

There are lots of opportunities to make friends. A sibling is no guarantee of a friend for life.

My brother doesn't do anything for my parents. Or me. He does create drama and unhappiness though. I'm sure your imaginary siblings wouldn't be like that.

I don't disagree. It is a fantasy. Also my parents weren't the best so they may have created a situation where we were pitted against each other.

However, the thought of my parents dying and me having to deal with the emotions alone is very upsetting and daunting.

Having one child is selfish. So is having two or three or ten or none. Having any children is selfish.

There aren't any selfless reasons to have children.

I’ve never heard anyone say it’s selfish.

Having an only child who is deeply loved and wanted can only ever be a good thing and better than none if that’s the alternative.