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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws feeding my daughter things

150 replies

Mummystrawb · 15/02/2025 21:37

Hello,

I just wanted to see how people would approach this situation. My in laws will soon be having our 14 month old daughter once a fortnight when I return from mat leave. The other night, they kindly babysat whilst me & dad went out for a meal.

I sent a huge pack up of things for my daughter- homemade finger foods/fruits/yoghurt etc and things she is used to eating. We choose not to give her things with additives/added sugar etc whilst she’s so young.

When we collected her, my MIL commented that she “wasn’t keen” on the food I’d sent for her. They had decided to feed her some Heinz ‘biscotti’ which had sugar listed as the second ingredients and some fruit gummy “worms” that were full of additives and colourings.

Its really important to me that she has a healthy diet and, although I’m grateful they’re helping with childcare, I don’t want to do this at the sacrifice of her eating healthily.

How would you approach this? I find it tricky to know how to ask them to do to this as they didn’t ask for permission in the first place or say “was it ok that she had those?” Etc.

Thanks

OP posts:
MissUltraViolet · 15/02/2025 21:38

Pay for childcare, problem solved?

DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 15/02/2025 21:39

Food is a social thing for many people, particularly for family. It is OK to let go a bit. And IMO it wouldn’t be normal for someone to have to “ask permission” to give their grandchild food.

IridescentRainbow · 15/02/2025 21:40

You can ask them only to give her the food you provide, or you can think that one day a fortnight won’t hurt.

Original poster
Mummystrawb · 15/02/2025 21:40

We’d actually get free childcare, so money isn’t the issue. My partner wants his mum to be involved with her.

OP posts:
Jollyjoy · 15/02/2025 21:42

I totally understand how you feel, have been there and it feels painful to think of your pure and precious little thing getting fed junk unnecessarily. However also by the time I had my second child I felt more relaxed about that stuff happening on occasion.

I guess it depends how strongly you feel, how receptive they may be to you telling them your feelings, and how much you need the childcare. You can try having another chat and explain why you feel the way you do, also being respectful that you know they've raised kids and you're not trying to teach granny to suck eggs etc, this is just how you want to do things. But also you may need to accept a bit of sugar and rubbish food on those days, if you value the childcare and the relationship.

Original poster
Mummystrawb · 15/02/2025 21:43

It’s not that I’d expect them to ask permission to feed her when she’s hungry, but I had sent plenty of food for her. And it’s not like we usually feed her sugary foods, I could understand if they’d decided to offer her a banana or something they’ve seen us give her ourselves…

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 15/02/2025 21:43

What happens when she starts going to birthday parties, we has things we did not feed at home but what thry had at grandparents stayed there

mondaytosunday · 15/02/2025 21:43

Then he needs to talk to her. It's fine to say you would prefer they only give your child the food you provide, but also understand that they may veer off and give the child a treat. But get your husband to talk to his mother - otherwise she will think it's just you being fussy.

Hankunamatata · 15/02/2025 21:45

Get dh to reiterate that you both don't want her to have that type of food at the moment and please stick to none sugar foods

RhubarbThumb · 15/02/2025 21:45

It's one or two meals out of 42 ...

2025willbemytime · 15/02/2025 21:46

Many posters will say let it go, it's what grandparents do, pay if you don't like it but this is clearly about what they want to do. Funny how if your baby refused the food that she'd normally have they didn't make her scrambled egg, make porridge, offer some milk or yogurt. They've gone straight for the crap. It is okay to say do not do that again. She is your child!

My in-laws would never have given my children anything I didn't want them to have as they knew I was the mum and respected that fact.

TuesdayRubies · 15/02/2025 21:46

Gummy worms at 14 months is ridiculous. You're within your rights to ask they don't feed her sugar.

Original poster
Mummystrawb · 15/02/2025 21:47

When she goes to birthday parties she’ll be 2+, we’re just trying to follow health advice not to offer sugary foods before 2.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummystrawb · 15/02/2025 21:50

Exactly this. When we got there, her packet of “worms” was empty and she was whining wanting more so I got out the food I’d packed up for her and she happily ate it, so I doubt she’d even refused it really. I just don’t understand the notion that foods full of crap are a ‘treat’ when they’re so little and she’d just as happily eat a banana or some wheetabix.

OP posts:
BlueWhippetsForever · 15/02/2025 21:51

So the gummy worms are sweets essentially? And Heinz biscotti are sugary biscuits. So both junk food. I'd not have fed either of those to my DC at 14 months. I'm not anti sugar but not at 14 months, there's just no need.

Could you ask DH to speak to them and ask nicely to stick to the food you give? If you've free childcare elsewhere then you're not reliant on them so it depends if this is a deal breaker for you.

My DC have a great relationship with my inlaws, and have managed never to feed them rubbish. I'm sure you can get it sorted out but probably best to ask DH to gently raise it now rather than letting it continue to grate.

Soontobe60 · 15/02/2025 21:54

2025willbemytime · 15/02/2025 21:46

Many posters will say let it go, it's what grandparents do, pay if you don't like it but this is clearly about what they want to do. Funny how if your baby refused the food that she'd normally have they didn't make her scrambled egg, make porridge, offer some milk or yogurt. They've gone straight for the crap. It is okay to say do not do that again. She is your child!

My in-laws would never have given my children anything I didn't want them to have as they knew I was the mum and respected that fact.

Maybe they didn’t give your DC things you didn’t want them to have because they feared you’d stop them seeing the DC?

TinyMouseTheatre · 15/02/2025 21:55

My DPs were the same. I'd give them lots of food before the DC saw them so they were nice and full and just relax. It's important that they see their DGPs and you can always clean their teeth when you get home.

They even kept a cupboard full of snacks just for our DC. We nicknamed it "the cupboard of obesity". Both DC are now adults and both are not affected on any way but loo on their time with their DGPs with fondness.

Soontobe60 · 15/02/2025 21:55

Mummystrawb · 15/02/2025 21:47

When she goes to birthday parties she’ll be 2+, we’re just trying to follow health advice not to offer sugary foods before 2.

So I assume she doesn’t have fruit, or sweet potato, or carrots? All of which contain sugar.

TinyMouseTheatre · 15/02/2025 21:56

Or BM which is very sweet.

2025willbemytime · 15/02/2025 21:57

Soontobe60 · 15/02/2025 21:54

Maybe they didn’t give your DC things you didn’t want them to have because they feared you’d stop them seeing the DC?

Show quote history

Absolutely not and what a ridiculous comment. They respected my wishes as they loved me and loved my children.

But since you're that way inclined, my MiL actually did do something that I would have been 100% justified in stopping her seeing them so no, you're wrong.

Soontobe60 · 15/02/2025 21:57

Mummystrawb · 15/02/2025 21:50

Exactly this. When we got there, her packet of “worms” was empty and she was whining wanting more so I got out the food I’d packed up for her and she happily ate it, so I doubt she’d even refused it really. I just don’t understand the notion that foods full of crap are a ‘treat’ when they’re so little and she’d just as happily eat a banana or some wheetabix.

Why was she not asleep? You said it was night time, surely she’d be in bed?

ThinWomansBrain · 15/02/2025 21:57

she “wasn’t keen” on the food
who wasn't keen - MIL or the child?

Have the conversation that you'd really like her to spend time with MIL, but you don;t want her having sugary foods, and if MIL can't respect that, probably best to drop the childcare and MIL just sees her on accompanied visits, or visits to you home.

Maybe agree on a range of healtyish "treats" and she can have one of those on the day she is with MIL.

Fontainebleau007 · 15/02/2025 21:57

If you're worried then talk to them or get your DH to have a word. I gave mine a biscotti biscuit now and again at that age but the gummy worms no. I don't think they're doing anything however to upset you on purpose.

Original poster
Mummystrawb · 15/02/2025 21:58

There’s a big difference between naturally occurring sugars in nutritious foods and junk foods loaded with added sugars and colourings….

OP posts:
Joulesdog · 15/02/2025 22:00

MissUltraViolet · 15/02/2025 21:38

Pay for childcare, problem solved?

1st response nails it

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