In laws feeding my daughter things

[Mummystrawb]

Hello,

I just wanted to see how people would approach this situation. My in laws will soon be having our 14 month old daughter once a fortnight when I return from mat leave. The other night, they kindly babysat whilst me & dad went out for a meal.

I sent a huge pack up of things for my daughter- homemade finger foods/fruits/yoghurt etc and things she is used to eating. We choose not to give her things with additives/added sugar etc whilst she’s so young.

When we collected her, my MIL commented that she “wasn’t keen” on the food I’d sent for her. They had decided to feed her some Heinz ‘biscotti’ which had sugar listed as the second ingredients and some fruit gummy “worms” that were full of additives and colourings.

Its really important to me that she has a healthy diet and, although I’m grateful they’re helping with childcare, I don’t want to do this at the sacrifice of her eating healthily.

How would you approach this? I find it tricky to know how to ask them to do to this as they didn’t ask for permission in the first place or say “was it ok that she had those?” Etc.

Thanks

Oh give over and unclench.

first set up a joint front with your husband and then address it.

I’m just not sure that’s true! I grew up on absolute garbage but became a nutritionist for many years. Conversely, many people who end up with disordered eating habits grew up with restrictive diets and didn’t know how to handle “bad” foods once they got a taste for them.

My position on this is neutral - did I feed my toddlers garbage regularly? No. Would I let them have sugar once every two weeks? Yes.

Well you have 3 options really

1. send to nursery instead
2. ask them not to give her anything you haven’t sent and then trust that they’ve listened and aren’t just giving her stuff and not telling you
3. let it go for 1 day per 2 weeks

I would feel the exact same way. It would be different if she was 5 or 6 +, but she’s 14 months and there’s no reason to feed a baby additives or excess sugar.

I would have a polite conversation about how you feel about food and ask that they respect your wishes in terms of the food she eats. Let them know as she gets older you may feel more open to an occasional treat, but at 14 months there’s zero need.

On the other side of the coin I had a really strict upbringing re sugar and now as an adult my diet is pretty terrible. I have Coca Cola every day, chocolate and crisps too. My main meals are healthy and I exercise regularly and luckily have a v fast metabolism so I’m slim. But I can’t say a strict diet for either me or my siblings (a couple of whom are really quite overweight or have been) any favours

I'm sure the OP means the kiddylicious fruit wiggles that look like gummy worms??
I can't imagine for one minute they gave a 14 month old haribos. Can you clarify @op

I’d ask them not to feed her junk food and provide a wider range of foods to eat with some foods that can be considered special so that they feel they are treating her. Berries possibly.

Things will naturally change a bit when kids start going to parties, however it’s nice to build a healthy foundation.

Just to add OP, sugar is the 3rd ingredient listed under weetabix, so you might want to reconsider giving her that junk as well.

Horrible behaviour from your in laws but tbf the older generation doesn’t know much about gut health and all that. Plus since you haven’t yet addressed it with them let’s give them the benefit of the doubt (for now) that they may respect your parenting.

I would do the compliment-criticism-compliment sandwich technique. “DD had a great time with you. Btw she isn’t allowed any of the junk food you gave her, please stick to the food I provided and if you really, really want to give her something extra run it by me first. I know she’s learning loads from you, we feel blessed that she has such involved GPs.”

I agree with this. They've stocked up some junk food in advance. It may be subconsciously, but a lot of people use junk foods/sweets to bribe children to make the children enjoy the time with them, it is the quickest and easiest way to bond. They're undoing your good work. There are non lazy way to bond and create memories, read to them, watch something together, make something together.

Also, agree that the poster who put carrots with sweets in the same group is deliberately obtuse.

And yes as soon as she’s introduced to processed and high sugar foods she’s going to turn her nose up at the healthy options! I don't eat sweets as a kid (apart from Birthdays, Christmas), then I spent a month with my aunt when I was 8 (mum was hospitalised), after that a lot of home made food taste bland. My aunt wanted the time with her to be lovely but now I wish she did not do that.

Just point out to them them that you're a nutritionist, they know nothing and that these things once a fortnight will lead to terrible harm.

If that doesn't work, point to your stunted, unhealthy, whey faced husband -a living breathing (just about) example of their woeful failings.

That should do the trick. They will see the harm their idiotic upbringing did to their son and will bow to your superior experience.

Have only read OP.
Why do they have to have her overnight so young and so often?
they re not suitable childcare. Have a conversation with your husband and he has to address the issue with his parents. Otherwise no alone time until she’s older.

This is a hill I'd die on. No baby or toddler needs to eat sugary junk.

If you cannot trust someone to look after your child and respect your wishes, they do not deserve unsupervised time with your child.

The problem is, if you or DH say something, she may very well continue doing it but keep it secret. Therefore, I'd be inclined to use funded childcare or a part-time nanny.

If it's once a fortnight I would seriously let it go, having a good relationship with her grandparents will be more beneficial for your DD long term than not eating an occasional biscuit

First response was wrong. The OP is entitled to free childcare so doesn’t need the grandparents. She’s being nice and involving her in-laws and, as is often the case, entitled boomer in-laws are taking the piss.

I'm with you OP. When they're that little, they'll eat what you give them and won't miss something they've never had.

I made the same decision for my kids. I said that when they were 3 or 4 and started going to birthday parties, then they could have cake, sweets etc. Filling up babies with processed, sugary foods is unnecessary given how much they're going to be exposed to it throughout life.

I have FB memories coming up of my kids at 5 or 6 years old choosing things like pepper for their pudding. They didn't see good or bad foods, it was all just food as they were raised from a young age to enjoy healthy, home cooked food from fresh ingredients.

They still love a bowl of steamed veg now in the same way that they'd enjoy a bowl of chips or a packet of sweets.

It's about showing you some respect as the child's parents.

I'd be saying to my DH that if his parents can't respect your wishes on this, they don't get your little one alone.

Er, yes - right above the salt and added vitamins, all of which are present in minuscule amounts. If this child has one Weetabix, she’ll be consuming 0.8g sugar. A tiny amount.

OP, I’d explain your dietary wishes and say that you only want your DD to eat what you pack. If you don’t trust them to follow that, then don’t use them for childcare.

I agree with this. and I see it from both sides. All of my kids ( I have 5 ) went to my mum and dads to have fun times, and they were had by all. I have now got grandchildren that I look after. And most know, sometimes a chocolate button or two can restore good nature for all around. I would always obey their mum and dad's view on what they were mainly fed, and their ethos, but as part of my "deal" for spending time with my grandchildren, I would not expect to ask permission to work out what I could or could not feed them, mouthful by mouthful. Especially if it was a small part of the child's normal care. You have alternative childcare that sticks to your wishes, but this is not about this, it is about establishing some ground rules for all so you have a great childcare relationship with your in-laws, your husband should broker this, and both should "give a little" - don't give up, it is a precious thing xx

They didn't make her food though. They stuffed her with gummy worms and thought that was good enough.

In fairness, she’s going to get 3 meals once a fortnight….i didn’t get that many birthday party invites as a child, nor did my kids!

yep, if Grenny was doing occasional babysit snd one meal, I’m with you , it won’t hurt. My own grandmother used to give us hot Ribera and biscuits in bed in morning before breakfast of rice crispier and her sugar shaker 55 years ago….itcdid put me offcribeja and sweet drinks for life 😱🤣. But didn’t do me harm

but, this is a regular slot, part of her cadence over 2 week cycle. There needs o be some restraint and boundaries- worms do not a good diet make - any worms for that matter 🤣🤣🤣

How about a compromise?
tell her you understand she wants to make her days special with her gc and indulge a little…
so allow her to provide 1 small crazy treat per visit and one more healthy nutritious meal maybe once a month (or her do tea if she’s having two meals there each visit).

you provide the main meal and she must keep to this with no cheating, and you prefer back up snack if it is really needed.

also discuss things she could do as special treats for gc visits that aren’t food related.

the best grandparents do allow those special naughty things or treat things thst parents don’t or can’t afford. Not only did our visits include the hot ribena and biscuits in bed in morning (see other posts), but we always had a trip to local toy shop and were allowed to choose one small toy (Britons farm/zoo animal or soldiers for those that remember), we built up our entire collections on those treats. My grandmother also allowed me to bake/cook with her so I’d always end up with the special version I’d made.

she wants to make the time precious, and indulge. Kid will love it. Just reach an agreement that is a compromise.

DGS is 13mths old. He’s not allowed sugar on a day to day basis. He’s allowed a teeny tiny bit of cake when it’s someone’s birthday, or something, but that’s as far as it goes. When he comes here, I do as his parents ask. It’s really not difficult, especially when he’s so little. I buy the yoghurts they like him to have with no added sugar, he has the fruits he likes etc.

It’s ok for people to say “it’s 3 meals out of 42…” or whatever but he has a really good diet at the moment and will eat almost anything put in front of him. I’m not going to be the one to upset the apple cart and get him used to the taste of sugary things. And at the end of the day, he’s not mine, I’m just being trusted with his care which is a huge privilege.

What a stupid comment. Are you seriously equating sweets with fruit?

wtf..I’m older generation at 60 plus…I’ve just sat through Royal Society Xmas lectures this year in UPF and sent info to a vegan close relative who lives off meat, cheese and fat substitutes in name of her healthy options fgs.

even when I was raising my kids 30 years ago I knew we did know sugar was not a good thing, lots of fruit and veg and 5 a day. I cooked form scratch and rarely used processed baby food unless an emergency. And I was not a rare exception.

what a dismissive, ageist and patronising thing to say.