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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In laws feeding my daughter things

150 replies

Mummystrawb · 15/02/2025 21:37

Hello,

I just wanted to see how people would approach this situation. My in laws will soon be having our 14 month old daughter once a fortnight when I return from mat leave. The other night, they kindly babysat whilst me & dad went out for a meal.

I sent a huge pack up of things for my daughter- homemade finger foods/fruits/yoghurt etc and things she is used to eating. We choose not to give her things with additives/added sugar etc whilst she’s so young.

When we collected her, my MIL commented that she “wasn’t keen” on the food I’d sent for her. They had decided to feed her some Heinz ‘biscotti’ which had sugar listed as the second ingredients and some fruit gummy “worms” that were full of additives and colourings.

Its really important to me that she has a healthy diet and, although I’m grateful they’re helping with childcare, I don’t want to do this at the sacrifice of her eating healthily.

How would you approach this? I find it tricky to know how to ask them to do to this as they didn’t ask for permission in the first place or say “was it ok that she had those?” Etc.

Thanks

OP posts:

LilacLilias · 16/02/2025 07:50

Kids that age shouldn't be eating gummy sweets due to choking risk. I would not be comfortable with this at all.

pinkstripeycat · 16/02/2025 07:57

I wouldn’t let my in laws have my children because they smoked and drank BUT once DH took the eldest who was 3 and they fed him white bread toast and jam. I was very upset. After this DS wouldn’t eat granary bread again. In laws saw kids but always with me around. Thankfully we didn’t live anywhere near either of our families at the time.

I was really in to healthy eating and my kids didn’t have anything sugary or salty until they were past 7 years old.

They are 17 & 19 now and obviously eat what they want. Both prefer to drink water as opose to sugary drinks. They do eat too much rubbish for my liking but it’s none of my business now and they are both well aware what is healthy and what is not.

notnorman · 16/02/2025 08:00

WhatTheKey · 15/02/2025 22:15

How weird, they must have bought those things specially before having your DC over, so the intention was always there to give them the sweet stuff, regardless of what they thought of your packed lunch.

This. They obviously decided they were going to give them to the child beforehand.

NoseyFarkers · 16/02/2025 08:07

I could have internally rolled my eyes and let the biscuit go - but I'd have been pissed off about them feeding such a young baby a packet of gummy sweets FFS.

I'd be having a very open conversation with them and laying out that we were choosing not to give the baby this type of food so please don't do it again.

If there was any push back whatsoever they just wouldn't be having the baby unsupervised again.

thepariscrimefiles · 16/02/2025 08:08

Garlicworth · 16/02/2025 00:11

You're expecting your in-laws to act as substitute parents, following your parenting rules as if you'd hired them to stand in for you. It's irrelevant that you don't need the childcare, you're still treating them as employees.

They are not substitutes for you. They are DD's grandparents. It's a totally different role that stands alone: they're part of your child's wider family and, hopefully, lynchpins in her lifetime support network. This is about building their personal relationship with DD as an individual; it's an important factor in her long-term socialisation and emotional security.

In short, you need to see them as grandparents in their own right. They're no longer just DH's parents. They've expressed their interest in building a solid relationship with DD and, as her parent, it would be wise to facilitate that.

FWIW, grandparents are the traditional source of less-healthy snacks 😉 My parents were obsessed with diet & nutrition, which my grandparents did their level best to compensate (Werther's Butterscotch and treacle tart are outstanding memories). Once they became grandparents, my still-orthorexic parents magicked up a steady supply of cakes, crisps and Haribos for the kids!

Show quote history

So if OP's inlaws looked after her daughter for five days a week, them feeding her a diet of sugary, unhealthy snacks with no nutritional value would still be OK?

If they are doing actual regular childcare, they are a substitute for the child's parents and should follow OP's rules. As OP is eligible for free childcare, why would she leave her daughter with people who ignore her wishes?

As you refer to Werther's Butterscotch as one of treats that your grandparents gave you, I assume that you were much older than 14 months as that would be a massive choking hazard that no-one sensible would ever give to a toddler.

sexnotgenders · 16/02/2025 08:11

GFBurger · 15/02/2025 22:34

I get the impression it was Heinz biscotti for babies and the 100% fruit wriggles for 12+ months rather than Oreo’s and a foot long gummy worm.

So it sounds to me that the GP’s got excited and stocked up on ‘baby friendly’ snacks at Boots or in the baby aisle at a supermarket.

Which is very kind of them. They aren’t reading the same in-depth nutrition stuff as toddler mums are or up to date with UPF issues.

So don’t get cross and angry. Let them know that those things are marketed at the toddler age, but you, and many others, are concerned about the amount of sugar they actually contain and you would rather have a much slower introduction to sugar than these products would allow. It’s not that she’ll never have it, just waiting a little longer.

Maybe get them involved in healthy baking or lunches. But I think they did it from a lovely and kind place.

By far the most reasonable and balanced reply so far. Posters on here loudly declaring they would stop contact over this are ridiculous. We have no idea of the GPs motives, or even what food was given, so shall we delay the public lynching for now, or are we all meeting in the town square at midday to watch OP string up her MIL over toddler snacks?

And to the poster boasting that their kids love a bowl of steamed veg as much as a bowl of sweets, christ you sound like hard work. The best approach to diet is a balanced one, kid-friendly snacks included, and one that doesn't apply feelings onto food groups. However the majority of posters here are applying far too much emotion onto food. Yes, sugar isn't an essential nutrient, and yes we should all limit snacks, but 'banning' any food isn't a healthy attitude, and won't help your kids in the long run

TammyJones · 16/02/2025 08:16

2025willbemytime · 15/02/2025 21:46

Many posters will say let it go, it's what grandparents do, pay if you don't like it but this is clearly about what they want to do. Funny how if your baby refused the food that she'd normally have they didn't make her scrambled egg, make porridge, offer some milk or yogurt. They've gone straight for the crap. It is okay to say do not do that again. She is your child!

My in-laws would never have given my children anything I didn't want them to have as they knew I was the mum and respected that fact.

This
They've totally walked all over your boundaries.
Can't see how she'd not want her normal food but would woof Diwn crap. .... sounds like a story ti me.
It's as if they disapprove of your healthy food and want her to have the stuff they deem normal.
I had a fantastic childminder - were still very good friends years later.
She was a fantastic cook and cook from scratch , giving my kids a wide range of healthy food- and for this I am externally grateful.
My advice would be to pay for childcare as I see many problems ahead with boundaries crossing .
I mean they already fell at the first hurdle.

TammyJones · 16/02/2025 08:18

Mummystrawb · 15/02/2025 21:50

Exactly this. When we got there, her packet of “worms” was empty and she was whining wanting more so I got out the food I’d packed up for her and she happily ate it, so I doubt she’d even refused it really. I just don’t understand the notion that foods full of crap are a ‘treat’ when they’re so little and she’d just as happily eat a banana or some wheetabix.

Exactly
They're telling you fibs
My kids loved all the healthy stuff - my dd especially loved food.

TammyJones · 16/02/2025 08:21

Mummystrawb · 15/02/2025 21:58

There’s a big difference between naturally occurring sugars in nutritious foods and junk foods loaded with added sugars and colourings….

Agree
Completely different

muggart · 16/02/2025 08:22

Marshbird · 15/02/2025 23:36

wtf..I’m older generation at 60 plus…I’ve just sat through Royal Society Xmas lectures this year in UPF and sent info to a vegan close relative who lives off meat, cheese and fat substitutes in name of her healthy options fgs.

even when I was raising my kids 30 years ago I knew we did know sugar was not a good thing, lots of fruit and veg and 5 a day. I cooked form scratch and rarely used processed baby food unless an emergency. And I was not a rare exception.

what a dismissive, ageist and patronising thing to say.

Show quote history

Oh ok, but then why did the majority of 80s & 90s kids get things like squash, school puddings and cheddar biscuits on a daily basis? I thought their parents generation didn’t know better but if we are to believe that they did then presumably they are just awful people.

TammyJones · 16/02/2025 08:24

dreamingofpalms · 15/02/2025 22:15

Honestly, you're being a bit precious. Why did you take a bag of food for her? Your poor in-laws are not incapable of making her food. They were probably looking forward to it.
Time to chill out a bit.

Did you miss the bit about the choking hazzard?

Zapx · 16/02/2025 08:30

You’re not being unreasonable, they should be following some basic instructions, at 14 months I’d have definitely been annoyed they were feeding sweets.

I think you need to get your husband to be really clear here- you’re not okay with her being fed rubbish, she ate the food you had provided and they need to try a bit harder to get her to eat it. No sweets, no random processed stuff. They’ll be plenty of time for treats when she’s bigger but she’s 1! They follow your rules, and of.

DragonBalls · 16/02/2025 08:35

On threads like this I am usually on the side of the grandparents, but this is ridiculous. Gummy worms and biscotti for a 14 month old? There have to be some boundaries

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 16/02/2025 08:45

They can’t be trusted. Who the fuck gives gummy worms to a child this young?

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/02/2025 08:51

@Mummystrawb
If it’s occasional and not all the time it’s fine I think

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 16/02/2025 08:56

DragonBalls · 16/02/2025 08:35

On threads like this I am usually on the side of the grandparents, but this is ridiculous. Gummy worms and biscotti for a 14 month old? There have to be some boundaries

This ^

DH should speak to his parents and explain

However I think they will continue to feed the child what they want to feed them. I think it's a bit of a "power gp" thing with some grandparents

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/02/2025 08:57

obviously not ok for anything that’s a choking hazard though

Edwina8320 · 16/02/2025 08:58

I think it is perfectly reasonable for your husband to kindly explain to them that you don't want her having sweets/biscotti yet.
I know my sil asked my mum not to give my niece and nephew certain things, and while rolling her eyes(it was dried fruit not sweets) she happily stopped giving it.
If they continue to ignore you then you will have to decide whether it is more important for your daughter to have a close relationship with her grandparents, or not to eat biscotti once a fortnight.

NotSmallButFunSize · 16/02/2025 09:02

dreamingofpalms · 15/02/2025 22:15

Well, they clearly are as they fed her a load of shite.

Even if OP decided to be ok about a few biscuits etc, they come after an actual meal surely? No one thinks biscotti and sweets are a suitable dinner?! Where was the actual food?

Thunderlegs · 16/02/2025 09:05

I don't think you have to be crawlingly grateful to people who don't respect your boundaries. Would be one thing if she had gone through all the snacks, or had hit her head and was inconsolable or something. But this is just a bit lazy and disrespectful. Tell them firmly this is an important ground rule. They'll come round quickly if it means they can't see their GC. Or they won't and you can send dc to the free childcare.

JMSA · 16/02/2025 09:09

TheatreTraveller · 15/02/2025 22:12

Honestly I'd let it go but that's me. I was grateful, very grateful that we were lucky enough to have 2 lovely sets of grandparents who had ours one day a week. They were issued with no rules, no demands, just enjoy looking after them and love them. They ate all sorts and did all sorts they didn't do at home which is of course the joy of being with grandparents. Both children adore their grandparents and have no ill effects from lots of treats in their care, they're fit and healthy, and happy kids who thankfully have a close family. Life is short, pick your battles.

This is my favourite kind of Mumsnetter.

SonK · 16/02/2025 09:47

I also wouldn't feed a 14 month old sweets and biscuits, maybe during a birthday as a celebration treat.

I think you should simply explain this preference to them and they should respect it.

Of course grandparents love to spoil children and probably don't see the negative side.

Perhaps make a compromise and suggest it's okay to offer a less sugary treat once in a while.

Maybe tell them once she has had a good range of what you have prepared for her, she can have a small treat as a dessert, but not all the time

This is just what I had to discuss with my mother in law and it helped : )

DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 16/02/2025 11:44

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 16/02/2025 08:45

They can’t be trusted. Who the fuck gives gummy worms to a child this young?

I’d have to assume quite a few people do, otherwise they wouldn’t be marketed for “12 months plus” and stocked next to the baby food.

Garlicworth · 16/02/2025 13:45

thepariscrimefiles · 16/02/2025 08:08

So if OP's inlaws looked after her daughter for five days a week, them feeding her a diet of sugary, unhealthy snacks with no nutritional value would still be OK?

Show quote history

Eh? They aren't looking after her five days a week. They're spending one day a fortnight with their granddaughter.

They aren't doing actual regular childcare. OP doesn't need them to do actual regular childcare. They're spending a relationship-building day with their granddaughter, once a fortnight.

I've no idea what my grandmothers fed me at 14 months! Safe bet it wasn't carrot sticks, though. I said I remember the Werther's as a feature of my childhood visits.

People do write some strange replies on here 😕

thepariscrimefiles · 16/02/2025 14:17

Garlicworth · 16/02/2025 13:45

Eh? They aren't looking after her five days a week. They're spending one day a fortnight with their granddaughter.

They aren't doing actual regular childcare. OP doesn't need them to do actual regular childcare. They're spending a relationship-building day with their granddaughter, once a fortnight.

I've no idea what my grandmothers fed me at 14 months! Safe bet it wasn't carrot sticks, though. I said I remember the Werther's as a feature of my childhood visits.

People do write some strange replies on here 😕

Show quote history

No stranger than your response, eulogising Werther's Originals as an expression of a grandparent's love, even against the child's parent's wishes.

A day a fortnight is still regular childcare where her daughter could get the taste for sugary treats if they ignore OP's wishes for her daughter to have a healthy diet whilst in their care.

Given the state of NHS children's dentistry at the moment, it is even more important to try and limit a child's access to sugary snacks before they are exposed to peer pressure once they start school.

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