In laws feeding my daughter things

[Mummystrawb]

Hello,

I just wanted to see how people would approach this situation. My in laws will soon be having our 14 month old daughter once a fortnight when I return from mat leave. The other night, they kindly babysat whilst me & dad went out for a meal.

I sent a huge pack up of things for my daughter- homemade finger foods/fruits/yoghurt etc and things she is used to eating. We choose not to give her things with additives/added sugar etc whilst she’s so young.

When we collected her, my MIL commented that she “wasn’t keen” on the food I’d sent for her. They had decided to feed her some Heinz ‘biscotti’ which had sugar listed as the second ingredients and some fruit gummy “worms” that were full of additives and colourings.

Its really important to me that she has a healthy diet and, although I’m grateful they’re helping with childcare, I don’t want to do this at the sacrifice of her eating healthily.

How would you approach this? I find it tricky to know how to ask them to do to this as they didn’t ask for permission in the first place or say “was it ok that she had those?” Etc.

Thanks

Jeez people really aren’t reading OPs posts at all. It’s not about childcare, they want time to bond with their granddaughter. OP may not live in UK and live in a European country with free childcare. Unfortunately OP your husband will have to have a serious chat with them about it and if not followed then they can’t have her unsupervised.

I was like this with my first. And I don’t mean it in a condescending way. I feel like the first few years of parenthood are full of anxiety and pressure to do everything perfectly - you’ve never had such a big responsibility before and while your kid is too young to argue with you, it’s easy to fall into taking control over everything.

But then you wake up and your kid is suddenly 15 and eats a burger and two snickers bars for lunch and you have no say whatsoever and you realize…actually, they’re perfectly fine.

Long story short - if you want to keep up a positive relationship with your in-laws, let it go. It’s really not going to make a difference.

Your poor in-laws are not incapable of making her food.

They fed her sweets. If they were not incapable they'd have done something like boil or scrambled an egg and chop a tomato, cucumber, or sliced an avocado, shoved some greek yoghurt in a bowl with some fruit etc etc.

They’re her grandparents, it’s meant to be fun and different for your DD. You have free childcare pencilled in. Dont blow it by getting anal about sugar. It will be a hard life of parenting if you choose this kind of hill to die on

I'd be inclined to let this one slide. If it kept happening I'd ask DH to speak to them but we have always had an arrangement where we deal with our own parents. I also think they could have thrown out the food you gave them and not mentioned the other food so you'd never have known. I wouldn't want to react in a way that spoils that as they might just decide not to tell you again...

Problem solved then.

This child is 14 months old. Giving biscuits and sweets instead of a proper snack is such a weird thing to do.

They didn’t even have to make it themselves!

How does he feel on the food issue?

If he feels as strongly as you do then it's his choice. He can talk to his mum and say she needs to stick to what you send (but that could just prompt her to lie to you), or you'll have someone else watch her.

If he isn't as bothered then that's where you're going to have an issue.

I don't know what the solution is, but I'm with you OP, this would piss me off. There's just no need for them to give her that food, and as a PP said, they must have gone out and bought those sweets especially for her. I'd be cross.

Clearly they are incapable since they fed the child choking hazard trash.

Your boyfriend/husband should have told them not to do this. Why hasn't he?
The child can visit his parents, no need for being left there.

I think I would make sure the grandparents understand what foods are safe to serve and how to serve e.g. grapes. I think it’s a good idea to provide food but might be better to empower them to make food. Perhaps you could ‘lend’ them a toddler recipe book which says the kind of things to serve.

I think be strict on no sweets or chocolate but I would let go anything they’ve bought from the baby food aisle of the supermarket. Could you purchase and include a few of the best nutritional choices so they’ve got an idea of what they can buy?

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask them to stick to the food you've provided, but at the same time, it probably would be nice for them grandparents to have some input into the food your DD eats when she's at theirs.

I can't imagine going against my DIL if I was your MIL but my own FIL did give my ds sweets we specifically asked him not to give him, so I know not everyone is going to be the same.

I’d go for childcare. You’ll need to specify to the childcare provider exactly what she’s allowed to eat though.

I would compromise - say you’re very grateful for their help but you really don’t want her to eat sweets, gummies etc. I wouldn’t say anything about the biscotti.

@Mummystrawb I'm with you.

Mine didn't get anything with sugars etc in until they were around 2 1/2 or more because they didn't need it and they didn't know any difference.

At parties if they were sat with older kids having cake I let them have cake as it's a special occasion and they would have noticed if they didn't have the same.
However at home it was no sweets / chocolate until about 3 - 4. They now have a good relationship with food, love treats but age appropriate, understand a balanced diet

I think from what you've said already you're heading for a disaster. If MIL can't stick to your rules when you're out for a few hours how will she stick to them for a day- she won't. Then it'll be awkward to stop dd going once there's a routine of her going/ you'll look like the bad guy etc.

You need to choose somewhere else for her to go or tell DH to make it clear to MIL that sweets/ biscuits are not allowed.

Your partner may want his mum involved but he needs to insist she eats your food you provide or you will take the free childcare up elsewhere.

Grandparents inertiallyfeel the need to override parents especially in this area. The only way your dd wasn’t interested in her food was because she’d been given something else first. As soon as she’s introduced to processed and high sugar foods she’s going to turn her nose up at the healthy options.

If she’s anything like my mother (mil from hell) she will not only cross the line but go all out to win brownie points but mine went even further and would feed my vegetarian brothers children meat as she felt they were being abused by not being allowed to eat meat!

I was initially going to say lighten up until I realised Grandmother was going to be a regular childminder.

I get the impression it was Heinz biscotti for babies and the 100% fruit wriggles for 12+ months rather than Oreo’s and a foot long gummy worm.

So it sounds to me that the GP’s got excited and stocked up on ‘baby friendly’ snacks at Boots or in the baby aisle at a supermarket.

Which is very kind of them. They aren’t reading the same in-depth nutrition stuff as toddler mums are or up to date with UPF issues.

So don’t get cross and angry. Let them know that those things are marketed at the toddler age, but you, and many others, are concerned about the amount of sugar they actually contain and you would rather have a much slower introduction to sugar than these products would allow. It’s not that she’ll never have it, just waiting a little longer.

Maybe get them involved in healthy baking or lunches. But I think they did it from a lovely and kind place.

Must feel like they're undoing your food work and at worst, are seeking to deliberately undermine you. Assuming it's the former, I'm thinking back to what I got away with at my grandparents' - and what I knew I'd never get away with, with my mother. I think you should try to set a few ground rules and ask them for their support but also accept that they'll differences are what your child will love about going there.

You either use your free childcare (and that’s what I’d do) or you let your in-laws look after your child one day a fortnight.
Is this as mumsnet says ‘is this a hill you want to die on’?

Giving gummy sweets to a 14 month old baby? Absolutely crazy. They don't sound very sensible or bright, to be honest. Maybe this is not a set of grandparents to be trusted with childcare. Better to just visit on the weekends.

If a family member insisted on feeding my baby refined sugar then I wouldn't trust my baby in their care any more. Is your husband on board with it, because I think the message would be best coming from him to his parents, saying while she's so young, you want to avoid foods with so much sugar.

A 14minth old baby should not be eating gummy worms and biscotti
Id explain to your MIL that you are would rather she sticks to the snacks provided as sugar loaded foods aren’t good for a baby. If she can’t respect your wishes, pay a babysitter or find someone else and have MIL see that baby under your supervision.

Your in laws brought up your DH. How has he turned out. Are his teeth ok? Is he generally healthy or overweight? That should give you an indication of how well your child will be looked after by them. One day a fortnight won’t matter

Ugh I hate it when people condescend (mostly first-time) parents for the food thing - why wouldn’t you want to do your best to give your child a healthy diet?! My family provide some childcare, so we always send food and snacks and talk about what he is going to eat that day. But, they will sometimes give fishfingers/ice cream/baby snacks and we have had to let that go. I have found that generally if we are giving healthy options the rest of the week I am more comfortable with those days with family being ‘treat’ days, within reason. In saying that, my boy is 2.5 now and I feel with a baby as young as yours they should be asking and checking what you would like - it’s pretty bold (and stupid RE the worm sweets!) to choose those items when presumably they know the kind of food she normally eats.

I disagree with you. I didn’t give my children sugar when they were very young. Yes I was horrified when my children ate junk food in their teens but after their teenage and uni years they soon returned to healthy eating. Good eating habits start young.
OP, you have every right as a parent to tell your MIL that you don’t want your very young child having sugar. Gummy worms are ridiculous and as a pp mentioned a choking hazard.
You or your partner needs to explain that this is very important and if your MIL can’t keep to instructions then she won’t be having your child.
I look after my grandchildren and try to follow any instructions.