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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws feeding my daughter things

150 replies

Mummystrawb · 15/02/2025 21:37

Hello,

I just wanted to see how people would approach this situation. My in laws will soon be having our 14 month old daughter once a fortnight when I return from mat leave. The other night, they kindly babysat whilst me & dad went out for a meal.

I sent a huge pack up of things for my daughter- homemade finger foods/fruits/yoghurt etc and things she is used to eating. We choose not to give her things with additives/added sugar etc whilst she’s so young.

When we collected her, my MIL commented that she “wasn’t keen” on the food I’d sent for her. They had decided to feed her some Heinz ‘biscotti’ which had sugar listed as the second ingredients and some fruit gummy “worms” that were full of additives and colourings.

Its really important to me that she has a healthy diet and, although I’m grateful they’re helping with childcare, I don’t want to do this at the sacrifice of her eating healthily.

How would you approach this? I find it tricky to know how to ask them to do to this as they didn’t ask for permission in the first place or say “was it ok that she had those?” Etc.

Thanks

OP posts:
CurbsideProphet · 15/02/2025 22:00

I definitely wouldn't give a 14 month old chewy sweets, I would see them as a choking risk.

Either your DH tells his mother to please not give sweets and stick to more appropriate food (and give her examples of needed), or you make other arrangements. Using family for regular childcare opens you up to these sorts of disagreements and it depends if you want this to be an ongoing issue.

Original poster
Mummystrawb · 15/02/2025 22:00

How does this ‘nail it’? We’d be entitled to free childcare so money is not the issue at hand. They’re involved with looking after her as my partner wants his mum involved and she asked if they could have her…

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 15/02/2025 22:00

Soontobe60 · 15/02/2025 21:55

So I assume she doesn’t have fruit, or sweet potato, or carrots? All of which contain sugar.

Show quote history

Oh stop it.

Joulesdog · 15/02/2025 22:01

Mummystrawb · 15/02/2025 22:00

How does this ‘nail it’? We’d be entitled to free childcare so money is not the issue at hand. They’re involved with looking after her as my partner wants his mum involved and she asked if they could have her…

Use your free childcare then.

You don't want his mum to look after her so don't let her. Simple

SchoolDilemma17 · 15/02/2025 22:04

Mummystrawb · 15/02/2025 22:00

How does this ‘nail it’? We’d be entitled to free childcare so money is not the issue at hand. They’re involved with looking after her as my partner wants his mum involved and she asked if they could have her…

If she wants to have her, she needs to follow your rules or put her into childcare! Why did they even buy junk food to feed a barely 1 year old?
my DC2 nearly chocked when another child gave him a gummy sweet at age 2, he couldn’t even chew them! These sweets are a huge chocking risks for small children.
I hate when grandparents think junk food is a treat, nip it in the bud now before they give her orange juice on the next visit.

KnittyNell · 15/02/2025 22:04

Joulesdog · 15/02/2025 22:01

Use your free childcare then.

You don't want his mum to look after her so don't let her. Simple

Show quote history

But the OP says that her husband wants his parents to care for the little girl.

dapsnotplimsolls · 15/02/2025 22:05

How does your DH feel about it?

LizzieSiddal · 15/02/2025 22:05

Bloody hell I’d be livid if someone gave that much sugar to my toddler. There’s absolutely no reason why she needs to be given those foods.

Id ask your H to speak to PIL and show his parents the guidance where it says babies/toddlers should not be given this sugary foods.

SchoolDilemma17 · 15/02/2025 22:06

Soontobe60 · 15/02/2025 21:55

So I assume she doesn’t have fruit, or sweet potato, or carrots? All of which contain sugar.

Show quote history

Wow are you stupid or deliberately obtuse

MammaTo · 15/02/2025 22:07

What exactly are the gummy worms, because there’s a difference between giving a baby a packet of actual Haribo style gummy worms and the ones that are made for kids. Personally I would let it slide, if your LO is being super healthy the other days of the week 1 day with GP’s won’t make a difference. Do they feed her any other meals in the day? Are these all okay?

RhubarbThumb · 15/02/2025 22:08

Soontobe60 · 15/02/2025 21:55

So I assume she doesn’t have fruit, or sweet potato, or carrots? All of which contain sugar.

Show quote history

don't be silly.

You know perfectly well that a slice of carrot and a haribo are not the same thing in terms of sugar.

Glitchymn1 · 15/02/2025 22:10

You packed food, it was easier to use the packed lunch than crack out the sugar worms. Do they eat those or did they get them in especially?

The first response didn’t ’nail it’ at all!

TillyandFlorence · 15/02/2025 22:11

If your DP wants his parents involved why can't your child spend plenty of time visiting the grandparents with him/you there too? Then he/you can control what she eats.

Spending time with grandparents doesn't have to mean providing childcare.

FrazzledHippy · 15/02/2025 22:11

For those saying one day won't make a difference... Chewy sweets for a 14m old are a huge choking risk! One day could indeed make a huge difference. I'm presuming if the MIL is thick enough to give a baby gummy sweets, she also wouldn't know what to do if baby choked. Id fuck her off OP, she's dangerous. Let her see DD under your supervision

Octonaut4Life · 15/02/2025 22:12

Had you actually spoken to them previously and explained that you would ask them to avoid sugary foods and only feed the stuff you sent with her? Because if not then you're being wildly unreasonable

HundredPercentUnsure · 15/02/2025 22:12

Mummystrawb · 15/02/2025 22:00

How does this ‘nail it’? We’d be entitled to free childcare so money is not the issue at hand. They’re involved with looking after her as my partner wants his mum involved and she asked if they could have her…

I think you mean funded childcare, rather than free childcare? The 'free childcare' costs me over £450pm for 2 days a week....anyhow....

We're UPF free too. Parties started at 2 (mine is still 1, the youngest of their peers) and we've easily managed to avoid most UPFs at parties (the bread in party sarnies aside), and for my 4.5yo as well, even still.

My in-laws have taken their cues from us and were fascinated by baby-led weaning so it hasn't been a problem we've contended with, however I'd be approaching it from the lines of "it's great that you want to treat little one, we love that for them and you! You are nurturing such a lovely relationship with your grandchild. We'd really appreciate it if you found another way to treat them than with added sugars and additives at this young age. We want the best for our little one and we know you do too. We wanted to make it easy for you by providing food for them - how can we help make it easier for you?"

TheatreTraveller · 15/02/2025 22:12

Honestly I'd let it go but that's me. I was grateful, very grateful that we were lucky enough to have 2 lovely sets of grandparents who had ours one day a week. They were issued with no rules, no demands, just enjoy looking after them and love them. They ate all sorts and did all sorts they didn't do at home which is of course the joy of being with grandparents. Both children adore their grandparents and have no ill effects from lots of treats in their care, they're fit and healthy, and happy kids who thankfully have a close family. Life is short, pick your battles.

dreamingofpalms · 15/02/2025 22:15

Honestly, you're being a bit precious. Why did you take a bag of food for her? Your poor in-laws are not incapable of making her food. They were probably looking forward to it.
Time to chill out a bit.

WhatTheKey · 15/02/2025 22:15

How weird, they must have bought those things specially before having your DC over, so the intention was always there to give them the sweet stuff, regardless of what they thought of your packed lunch.

Ponderingwindow · 15/02/2025 22:15

I had a couple of ingredients that we have a strong family history of allergies or intolerances that I asked the ILs to avoid because we needed to be careful about introductions. Otherwise, I viewed time with the grandparents as a special treat and a place where rules could be broken. We never had them providing child care on a regular schedule so it was never frequent enough to worry about.

Youcanttakeanelephantonthebus · 15/02/2025 22:15

If you're not paying them they're doing you a massive favour. If you want to dictate what they do with their time in their own house then you're better off paying for childcare.

Hwi · 15/02/2025 22:16

Hire a nanny, pay her a good wage. Beggars can't be choosers.

Hairoit · 15/02/2025 22:16

‘Would you mind only giving her the food I pack for her? It’s very kind of you to buy her extra but I’d like to make sure she eats a balanced diet.’

any resistance and I would just go ahead with the free childcare. You don’t want to wait until they ‘use their own judgment’ on car seats or cutting up grapes.

FoxtonFoxton · 15/02/2025 22:17

I'm not one to be too fussy over the odd bad food day, but even I'd be a bit perplexed at gummy worms for a 14 month old.
I would thank them for having her and ask them if they could please try and avoid things like the gummy worms in the future. Say you'd be more than happy to send over supplies for the day (like you did) or buy some bits to keep at theirs if they like? I'd keep it friendly and non accusatory and let them know you appreciate their help and how nice it is that DD spends time with her grandparents.

MermaidMummy06 · 15/02/2025 22:18

My MIL did this. She called me mean for avoiding added sugar & junk food. She had DD two days a week, not because we needed it, but because MIL wanted to spend time with her.

Apparently DD 'wasn't keen' on the lunch I sent, so MIL was feeding her chicken nuggets, high sugar yoghurt, biscuits & chips. It explained why DD was refusing good food at home as she thought refusing = junk. MIL continued to ignore me & snuck the junk in, instead, throwing my food out.

So I put DD in extra days at childcare. DH wasn't originally on board (easy life as MIL could be very nasty & was unhappy about this), until I asked him if he wanted DD to be like MIL, who was, to put it politely, extremely obese & had a range of health issues. He couldn't argue that.