Wedding lunacy

[TheAmusedQuail]

I just don't get throwing money at weddings. Marriage is the important bit. Not the getting married.

The dress, the suit, diamond rings, bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girls, pageboys, button holes, bouquet, wedding reception, tablescapes (WTAF), favours, DJ, stag, hen, hair, makeup. Not to mention bridezillas and almost completely detached grooms. It's like a one woman celebration with the man just signing on the dotted line.

I've seen so many weddings where a fortune was spent and 4, 5, 6 years later the couple are either unhappily married or have split up.

WHY as a culture do we participate in this craziness?

I had a big wedding that was a huge and very memorable party primarily. My mum and dad hosted and paid for it, while I paid for my dress and the photographer, and XH paid for the amazing honeymoon. No regrets at all, the marriage lasted 25 years and produced three amazing DC and financial security for both parties. I often think if so much money hadn’t been spent, I would have bailed much sooner and that would have been a shame.

My issue with weddings has always been the attitude of the couple to their guests. Do they want us there to help them celebrate their love? Or to be impressed?

And brides: please respect your friends and bridesmaids, don’t exploit them re hen and wedding duties to feed your ego.

You'd have flatlined at my florist bill OP, but we had the money and it's what we wanted.

Zero regrets.

I find it easier to not issue invitations when I know a person is sniffy about how much the event costs.

So? Why does it bother you? You sound like the twisted bitter grandmas who would shit on anyone's relationship ending and be all smug that they wasted so much money on a wedding, whilst not remembering how they attended and gobbled up all the food and booze they could! Come on OP. Just stop attending if you hate them so much! That meal could go to someone less bitter!!

I refused to fork out to attend an Instagram wedding in Greece a couple years ago. Each to their own. I couldn't care less if it cost 10k or 100k as long as it didn't cost ME 4k to attend!

I've been to huge weddings and small ones. It's ok for it not to be to 'your' taste - it's the bride and grooms day, not yours!

Wether you spend a fortune on a wedding , or spend barely anything , the happiness felt by the couple is the same .

I love going to fancy weddings as it’s a glamorous party. Life can be so serious it’s fun to dress up and do something fabulous. Very happy to go to simple ones too.

DH and I were lucky as my parents had put money aside for a wedding. There was of course a budget not a target for us to stick with and if we wanted more we had to pay it ourselves which was and is entirely fair. I don’t know what the final bill for our wedding was not because we ran wild with money but because we came in so much under budget that my parents paid for a magician to entertain people with card tricks and slight of hand at the drinks reception and my dad put his card behind the bar and paid for the drinks guests had up until the food himself. We both enjoyed the day we had and it has only been five years married but we are still as happy now. It was a cash bar in the evening. When we were discussing with the bank what I needed to bring in to change my name they offered us a £10,000 wedding loan without us asking and I found it an uncomfortable thought that the bank was effectively helping people get into what could end up becoming serious debt.

Perfect solution all round I think!

Why is this bothering you so much OP? I think people should do what they feel comfortable with and want to do. Weddings are a great way to get together and celebrate. I hated organising our wedding but loved the day! My favourite part was the church, which I wasn't all that fussed about initially, but on the day I could feel the love and happiness in that room and is something that still warms me 10 years later. It's also probably the only time in my life where I'll walk into a room (following day) to a rapturous applause for breakfast.

I do think spending a ton of money is a waste, especially when the couple don't have two coins to rub together otherwise. A party v a little security shouldn't be that difficult a choice. I might silently judge but, really, I think people do all sorts of stupid things. Me included 🤷‍♀️
I don't 'get' the ones who, often posting on here, have a couple of kids and are desperate to get married but 'can't afford it'. Confusing marriage and all it means for the big party they've dreamed of forever.
As long as no one else is negatively impacted by their choices, it's their 'day'. Stupidly expensive stag and hen dos with no thought to the cost for those invited (and very often expected) to attend are a whole other thread 🤣

I agree. I hate weddings and my wedding day was the one of the worst days of my life. I wanted something really simple, marry in register office and then have a nice mean in a nice restaurant and then a nice holiday. But now ex husband wanted the big shebang of a big wedding.

We had the wedding we wanted. We were having our son christened and the vicar agreed to do a surprise wedding at the end of the service. We had the bans read etc but not a single member of our family and friends knew. It was a huge surprise for everybody. We wore the clothes we already had. I used a ring that was my mums (she isn’t dead she just gave me the ring) etc. was a very reasonable do. Great for other people too because they didn’t feel obliged to bring any gifts. Only sore spot. DH’s brother and his wife left the service because they weren’t given any warning about the wedding (read by between the lines I think they thought others knew and they didn’t) and haven’t spoken to us since. So you win some. You lose some. No need to throw money at things if you don’t have the money.

So there is a sliding scale doesn’t have to be £50k (or more) or a registry office.

plenty of MN warriors want to judge people for 4x4 cars (yes a dig😄), private schools, spending too much on something they think is too much, but somehow there is never any judgement or catty comments- ‘read the room’ ‘we are in cost of living crisis’, ‘that’s more than my salary’ etc.

Somehow ridiculous weddings get a free non judgemental pass on MN.

Dont get it. They are not good for the planet - all those flights/ car journeys, new clothes being bought not to mention decorations and sugared almonds (the water crisis and fires in California folks!). Huge consumerist waste.

Meh, my wedding cost more than £20k seven years ago and I don't regret it in any way. We had a massive party, great music, delicious food, plentiful booze, and some great photos in which we both look happy and gorgeous to look back on forever.

Both my family and my husband's had had a crap few years prior to my wedding, with bereavements and health problems affecting multiple people, and it was honestly priceless getting everyone together to celebrate at an event that wasn't a bloody funeral.

DH and I have been together 16 years now, married 7, still very very happy, but even if our relationship went downhill I don't think I'd ever regret celebrating our wedding the way we did.

erm … sugared almonds ? Why is this a problem please

We had a big do for our wedding. By this I mean a church service then a golf club do with our family, friends and husband's work friends because he doesn't get on with his family. We saved up for a long time and were lucky my parents gifted us some money towards it or we wouldn't have been able to have such a big do. We then invited my parents friends and it was such a good party really fun even when the smoke alarm went off and we continued the dancing outside! I've always said it was the best day of my life! It's now the second best day with the best day now being the birth of our son. 8 years married and hopefully many more happy ones in future.
In contrast my BIL got married in December at the registry office. Close family only and then a meal at a local pub. Some lovely photos taken in the registry office gardens. It was really relaxed and we had a laugh and it was easy with two cousin toddlers! If we'd had the little boy when we got married I think we'd definitely had a smaller wedding.

I tend to agree with you, my wedding was small and exclusive. Just what we wanted and costed less that £2000. We’re celebrating 25 yrs this summer. I always thought the money we’d saved was better spent on creating our lives together.
However my friend had a huge expensive wedding, she’s been happily married 35 years.Unfortunately she’s not got long to live, her & her hubby spent last weekend watching the videos etc of their wedding day. It really cheered them up in the worst of circumstances and they agreed it was their best day ever. It has changed my opinion slightly.

I wanted to get married at Shibden hall. But then I realised that I dont' know enough people (that I'd want to invite at least) to fill the venue! And then ex DP dumped me for a crap football team (yes really).

I agree and disagree. We’re having a small wedding with just family (less than a 30 people), but just to have a nice location and catering and photographer is super expensive. I would have been happy eloping but also understand why my partner wanted family there and to have a more formal celebration (traditional + cultural reasons). I think it’s completely up to personal preference. Once you decide on a “proper” wedding, we can’t help that a wedding cake costs more than 4x a normal cake.

Because:

• we want to;
• can afford it (without getting into debt or needing financial help or gifts from family);
• love spending time with our friends and family and hosting them generously;
• we saw our marriage as a reason for celebrating in a big way;
• we love good food/live music/nice wine/ real flowers and want them to feature - these things add up;
• we all hope we will only do it once;
• life can be crap and weddings are meant to be a joy.

I agree. No problem with a special day/party but it doesn't make sense if the B&G are already worried about how to get on the housing ladder/pay off debt/start a pension plan/put kids through uni etc. I do think IG and credit culture encourage people to make very reckless decisions.

Our wedding cost £15k three years ago. We hired a stunning house for 4 days with 6 bedrooms for closest family / bridal party. Had 28 people on day of actual wedding. We paid for everything, apart from spirits. We had beer, wine, lager, prosecco etc but said to guests if they wanted a spirit to bring it themselves. Everything else we paid for. Our choice to get married not our guests so why should they pick up the tab?

You are so right, I'd go as far as to say any man who wants to get married is not in the right state of mind with it being so against men, however, that being said a cousin of mine spent £45k (20k from her parents & 25k from themselves) for a wedding in a castle and they got divorced 6 months later (not even through cheating either) they were still both paying it of 5 years after the divorce!

Surely because it's often a once in a lifetime occasion, or hope so anyway.

No one plans a big wedding thinking they'll split up soon.

Could be said for a lot of things though, why fly abroad for a holiday instead of a stay cation if the most important thing is being with your loved ones.

Why a fancy car when a cheaper one will also get you from A-B.

Sending kids to expensive universities when they could go to the cheapest.

Designer clothes etc.

I know people in debt over cars and holidays.

It's all a choice.

I am with you, OP. My wedding was very simple, although I allowed myself to have a fancy (although "simple") designer dress for my civil ceremony. I think that a lot of people (not all, but a lot) go very crazy with the wedding more to please others than because they really want it. My best friend got a really luxurious and fancy wedding last year, with 150 guests, and she literally almost lost her mind to organise everything, bringing herself to tears for the stress - guess what? As soon as it was time for pictures, I overheard one of the guests saying "aaah I can't be ar**d with pictures, I am only here for the free food". And I am afraid that a lot of people would be there only for the free food or for other superficial reasons, as true friends and people that care about you can generally be counted on the fingers of one hand.

Makes other people broke too if they decide they want an overseas wedding and so now instead of a weekend, everyone has to book a week off work and pay thousands to go on a holiday they didn't get to choose.