Wedding lunacy

[TheAmusedQuail]

I just don't get throwing money at weddings. Marriage is the important bit. Not the getting married.

The dress, the suit, diamond rings, bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girls, pageboys, button holes, bouquet, wedding reception, tablescapes (WTAF), favours, DJ, stag, hen, hair, makeup. Not to mention bridezillas and almost completely detached grooms. It's like a one woman celebration with the man just signing on the dotted line.

I've seen so many weddings where a fortune was spent and 4, 5, 6 years later the couple are either unhappily married or have split up.

WHY as a culture do we participate in this craziness?

But there's also a happy medium

The options are not...spend a pittance OR spend a fortune. There are a myriad of options in between

Nah it's not.

You've got married but it's not a proper wedding.

It's important to us that we don't scrimp on food/booze and entertainment.

Definitely this! People won't remember what colour the flowers were, but they will remember if they were standing around hungry without a drink in their hand!

Because there's nothing wrong with wanting to have a special day and splash into a dress, a lovely venue once or twice in a life time?

Because it's the one chance to invite most of your families and big family gatherings are fun? It's a refreshing change from the funerals.

Before you have kids and have a lot of disposable income, hen nights abroad are easy and a great holiday when you spend them with your friends.

Shame if the marriage doesn't work out, but life is too short not to have a few big parties.

The amount of money you spend on your wedding doesn't make any difference one way or the other to how happy you'll be. I understand some people's preference for a big blow-out with a gorgeous venue, big dress, elaborate cake, cute flower-girls and page-boys. . .I've a photo somewhere of me as a cute flower girl. Doing things that way gives some people a sense of transition to a new life in a way that going to the registry office and out for an Indian afterwards just won't. Likewise, others want to be minimalist; a big affair doesn't suit them or their budget.

The big question about any wedding is whether the couple in question are doing it the way they want to and in the case of some big, splashy dos, they aren't. It seems that even when you are paying for it yourself, some family members will want input, well beyond anything that's reasonable and before you know it, you've a monster on your hands. That probably does more ill-will and lasting damage than what you did or didn't spend.

A lot of people like a really big party with all their friends and family.

I'm too tight for all that so I did it on the cheap but I don't think there's anything wrong with someone having a massive party if it's really important to them.

Are there more sensible ways to spend tens of thousands of pounds? Of course there are but it's clearly worth the money to them, plus you could argue it's good for the economy.

I am of the opinion that people should have the wedding they want. Ultimately, it really doesn’t matter to me how much they spend on it and I am never offended if we’re not invited for whatever reason.

I had a big wedding with lots of guests, 4 groomsmen, 4 bridesmaids, 2 flower girls… It was a really lovely day and both DH and I talk about it often.

I like to think I wasn’t a bridezilla. I didn’t expect anything from my bridesmaids other than to turn up on the day and wear the dress I bought them. I chose a style I thought was flattering on all of them and said they could wear whatever they felt comfortable in on their feet. We invited family and friends and didn’t fall out with anyone over anything wedding related.

I think the main thing was that DH and I understood our wedding was massively important to us but not really to others. We did what we wanted to do but made sure to consider if our guests would be well-fed, comfortable and entertained for the day. We been together 12 years and married for 6.

That doesn’t apply to everyone though who has a big wedding

I don’t really understand all the judgement about weddings. The cost, the venue, the dress, the flowers, whether children are invited, etc. Just let people do what they want!! You can do what you want for your wedding. It’s just a bit sad that if you like someone enough to want to spend one of the most important days of their life with them, but then silently judge them for it, well that not the sort of friend I would like to have.

47 years ago, I hired my wedding dress and we got married at my local chursch with the reception at my parents house. Never regretted it! After 25 years we had a big party to celebrate with 25 close friends and relatives. Much better use of money imho.

My daughter was supposed to get married during vivid but was cancelled. She got married at the local park with my husband, me, her in laws, mayor of the town, and photographer and no one else. They decide to spend the money on buying a home instead of a party. They didn't want to waste money.

I had a cheap court wedding to XH while living abroad at 22. I loved him so much and we were skint so I was happy to marry him without a fancy wedding. I wore a charity shop wedding dress and made our own wedding cake.
However, looking back it was a huge mistake. I was an easy target. Probably had I actually insisted on a lavish wedding, he wouldn’t have seen me as such a pushover. He leached off me for money and a visa during the marriage and has financially ruined me post divorce.

Had I had higher standards in the first place regarding our wedding, probably none of this would have happened.

I got married last year and I never wanted a big thing. However, when we worked out how many family members etc we really had to invite, it just ended up costing a lot more than I'd initially hoped, even though we had the whole thing in a pub/hotel.

Weddings don't always need to be extravagant to be expensive, anything with the word 'wedding' in it just comes with a huge price tag, and I never really appreciated that before.

The only way we could have saved the money would have been to hurt family feelings and just elope, but we didn't want to do that to our parents etc, plus we have children who would have been hurt too.

Actually, the big expensive lavish wedding IS a new thing. Even 100 years ago, women frequently didn't even wear a wedding dress.

Yes, royalty did the big deal. But average everyday people? No.

And @Nessastats, you don't have to spend upwards of £15K for a 'proper' wedding. A wedding that costs a tenner is still a proper wedding.

Of course it is. It's a wedding. People were there. Your definition of 'proper' is just an expensive wedding. Nothing about a wedding is about money/a massive party/ostentatious consumption. In fact, it's the very opposite of what a wedding should be.

All this 'look at me' bridezilla stuff is just attention seeking. Totally lacking in the sanctity of marriage.

A “proper” wedding is whatever people choose it to be. Jean’s and a T shirt or St Paul’s with 2000 guests. Personal choice, with their own money. Why does it matter to you @TheAmusedQuail ?

I got married 24 years ago and was blown over by the costs then. And that was just with the input of magazines and basic internet wedding forums.

Now - you have celebs plastering everything on insta, TikTok etc. The world is full of pintrest ideas what your perfect day should look like. Destination weddings, weddings where everyone has to travel for days to the other side of the country just because it's a stunning location but nowhere near home.

I loved my wedding dress, the car, our venue for the ceremony, the decoration but we found a decent middle and didn't have 20+ attendances (it often feels like it), expensive venue costs and overpriced basic food.

It doesn't have to be "just a ceremony" and that also doesn't guarantee a HEA as my friend had one and is now divorced 15 years later.

The whole premise of AIBU is putting forward an opinion and having people vote on it which is what I've done.

This is my opinion. You disagree. Fair enough.

They do? Who would this they be?
I went to a wedding where the flowers alone cost £100k, they are still together 15+ years later.
My own wedding cost approx £40k, we had a great day with our family & friends.

Well I think that’s not everyone s experience of a wedding. But having said that I have read some pretty unreasonable stuff on MN. 🤭

It’s obviously your opinion. I asked why you thought like that? Why that is your opinion?

Yup! I spent $250 on my wedding, 16 years later I'm very happily married still!

If people can afford it and it’s what they want, then that’s great, they’ll have a lovely day. What I find crazy is the people who can’t afford it and end up in debt, just because they had a fancy wedding. I wonder if there are couples out there who are struggling with mortgages, childcare costs etc, wishing they could have back the £10k they spent on a fancy day for a load of people they probably don’t even see any more!

Oh no that's very unfair!

I don't care what others spend their money on and unlike my of MN, I love an invite to a wedding.

If I ever get married it will be a small do but that's because it's my preference. If others want a lavish wedding, happy for them.