Mums strange lie

[dontsaystuff]

One day when I was about 7/8 I remember my mum coming home visibly upset and rushing to the bathroom. I followed her to find her undressed, in tears and scrubbing at her skin. She was covered in arrows, dots and lines almost like surgical markings but on every inch of her skin.

She shut the door, I asked her about it often for the next couple of weeks she said that it was ‘just drawings’ and that she was fine. I could tell she continued to be upset by it and honestly feel like she changed since then.

I asked about it again a couple of years later and she completely denied it even happening, said it must have been a dream. The couple of other times I’ve asked about it she’s stuck to that story. I’d convinced myself that it might have been but it feels like it was such a clear l memory from my childhood, not just seeing her but the conversations we had after. I was very scared, confused and upset by it, still am.

Last year she got an upwards arrow tattooed on her wrist, she looked upset/guilty when I saw it. I’ve just seen a photo of her that shows a series of dashed lines tattooed on her other arm.

It’s driving me crazy, I can’t stop thinking about what could have happened, why she would get the tattoos and seeing her covered in the markings.

I understand that something upsetting obviously happened to her and why she wouldn’t want to tell me but
AIBU in thinking that it’s not fair to say I made it up especially when she’s gotten these tattoos?

OP doesn’t need to be told the whole story. She only needs to know, for her own sanity, that her childhood memory is correct. She appears content to leave it at that.

Op knows her memory is correct though as her mum confirmed it at the time.

Although you’re curious I wouldn’t ask her again as she obviously doesn’t want to revisit it.

@OverTheTopOfTheMountain obviously none of us can know what was going through the OPs mums head when she said that to her as a teenage but I can only imagine that she said it to try and ward off any other follow up questions.

Apologies if this has been covered, but I couldn't see it ... the child was around 7 when her mum came home distressed .. weHre there no other adults in the house at the time? Had she been left home alone?

@dontsaystuff I think some posters have been rather harsh with you, or they haven't retained the information you gave in your OP. I don't believe you think this is about you at all, but you know what you saw and you raised it with your DM a number of times in the weeks immediately after it happened when she didn't deny what you saw but told you it was "just drawings". A couple of years down the line, however, she claims you dreamt it, leaving you to second-guess yourself, and that's not fair - I'm surprised MNetters haven't been quick to point out this is gas-lighting. I totally understand that she's never wanted to tell you what happened (and likely still doesn't) so I think all you can ask her to do is confirm that something did happen and not leave you in the position of feeling like you imagined it when you know you didn't. (Maybe remind her that she told you it was "just drawings" shortly after it happened, so you know you didn't dream it.)
Good luck OP, I hope you get what you need from your next conversation with your DM.

@AngelicKaty I'm surprised MNetters haven't been quick to point out this is gas-lighting.

They have. Repeatedly.

@AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta Their comments must be on pages 4 - 7 then! 😂

I understand why you want to know. I also think that you aren’t making it all about you by voicing that here rather that with your mother or other family

Were they like Ley lines? Could she have been abducted by aliens? Can you remember if she had her hair shaped like the Pyramids of Giza?

Your DM did acknowledge it but clearly didn't want to talk about it.

You kept bringing it up even though you knew she didn't want to go there, hence her then saying it didn't happen.

People don't mention a lot of things that are very clear to everybody else, that's their right.
If she isn't ready to talk about it, no one has a right to force her to.

If it's something she's overcome and wants to forget about, pretending it didn't happen might be her way of coping.

The tattoo might symbolise conquering whatever it was.

People deny all sorts, having kids, being gay, being abused etc. That's for the person to disclose.

Alien abduction.

The point is that the tragedy my own mum suffered distressed her so much she didn't ever want to talk about it.
From what the OP says, whatever her mum went through, she didn't want to talk about it...not then, not now.

In hindsight, perhaps OP's mum shouldn't have told her months later she had dreamt it, but that sounds like a mother trying to protect her child, not gaslighting her.

Do you really think that as a parent you are in your own bubble and your actions only affect your child if and when you decide they do? Do you think you can dictate how someone deals with the fallout of something you did? That's not very responsible.

She didn't close that door and now OP has questions that need answering.

Yes, OP confirmed that she was left alone that day. It didn't seem like a very long time but 7 is still extremely young to do so. That alone suggests that MH, drugs, crime or esoterica might be related to the incident.

For that reason alone she has every right to pursue this. Who leaves a 7yr old alone?! Obviously there were serious issues be it mh or drugs problems but the op was involved as she was vulnerable and left alone, she saw her parent in a disturbed state and now has the tattoos rehashing it all.

Does it really matter now? 🤷‍♀️

Clearly it matters to the op. Traumatic events can have a lasting impression particularly on dc and shouldn't be dismissed or minimised.

It does when you carry the trauma from it.

I completely agree with this!!

Yep, I get it.
But surely, the result as broken trust was obvious too?

But the OP is not a child anymore even if she is still her mother’s child.

So upsetting things we experience as a child should just be forgotten once we are adults?
The parent can help her move on from this by just having an honest discussion. It is the least she can do.

If she were to tell me I do think I would be able to cope with it and support/comfort her.
I’ve imagined the worst scenarios so even if one of them was the truth, I’ve already kind of processed it.

But again when I ask, I won’t be asking that she tell me what happened just that something did.

Well yes and that was obviously a choice the OPs mum made. But as she's not the one posting about this we can't know how she feels about that.

Sometimes parents act strangely, sometimes we remember the event vividly years later, when we ourselves are adults.
I think in the case of abuse it should definitely be addressed, no matter how much time has passed.
In this case , the trauma your mum went through, and inadvertently you saw, bringing it all up again, even if your mother tells all, might make you feel better, what will it do for her?

Before you do broach the subject with her again, ask yourself which is the most important.