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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mums strange lie

285 replies

dontsaystuff · 14/02/2025 21:58

One day when I was about 7/8 I remember my mum coming home visibly upset and rushing to the bathroom. I followed her to find her undressed, in tears and scrubbing at her skin. She was covered in arrows, dots and lines almost like surgical markings but on every inch of her skin.

She shut the door, I asked her about it often for the next couple of weeks she said that it was ‘just drawings’ and that she was fine. I could tell she continued to be upset by it and honestly feel like she changed since then.

I asked about it again a couple of years later and she completely denied it even happening, said it must have been a dream. The couple of other times I’ve asked about it she’s stuck to that story. I’d convinced myself that it might have been but it feels like it was such a clear l memory from my childhood, not just seeing her but the conversations we had after. I was very scared, confused and upset by it, still am.

Last year she got an upwards arrow tattooed on her wrist, she looked upset/guilty when I saw it. I’ve just seen a photo of her that shows a series of dashed lines tattooed on her other arm.

It’s driving me crazy, I can’t stop thinking about what could have happened, why she would get the tattoos and seeing her covered in the markings.

I understand that something upsetting obviously happened to her and why she wouldn’t want to tell me but
AIBU in thinking that it’s not fair to say I made it up especially when she’s gotten these tattoos?

OP posts:
steff13 · 14/02/2025 23:38

This happened when you were 7 or 8, and she told you that you made it up when you were a couple years older than that, so 9 or 10 is that correct? I think she probably just wanted you to stop asking her about it, so she told you that you had imagined it. She probably thought she was protecting you if something bad really did happen.

I don't know that "fair" comes into it one way or the other; she probably didn't anticipate getting the tattoos however many years ago it was that you were 9 or 10 years old.

You could ask her the significance of the tattoos? But you may have to accept that you'll never know what happened.

Garlicworth · 14/02/2025 23:38

TwoFatDucklings · 14/02/2025 23:27

What is she was a life drawing model and they drew on her as part of the art or to highlight the shapes of her muscles and features

Wouldn't explain her intense distress. It sounds like it was done against her will.

Getting similar tattoos, years later, does look as though she's reclaiming the marks - reasserting her bodily autonomy.

How upsetting, OP.

MummyJ36 · 14/02/2025 23:40

Are you close to her? If so perhaps you need to sit her down and explain that this has been affecting you from the day you witnessed it, that you understand she may have been trying to protect you and herself but that this has a profound affect on you and her secretive behaviour until this day continues to upset you. The tattoo sounds like an odd thing considering the background.

You can accept (and tell her so) that she may not want to speak about this but that this does not negate the upsetting long term affect it has had on you and that your mind has naturally gone to to some horrible places imagining what this could be related to. If she still will not share I would leave it and not menthol again, but I think you do have a right to express your feelings on this at least once.

Hihihello193 · 14/02/2025 23:45

I'm sorry that sounds really confusing, must have been upsetting for you. And for your mum too.
I've never heard of this sort of thing but I found this site about bdsm symbols I wonder if the marks looked anything like this:
https://www.patreon.com/posts/bdsm-symbols-99910946

ThreeMagicNumber · 14/02/2025 23:45

It's obviously something that was traumatic for her that she'd now rather not discuss and pretend it didn't happen. You needing to know, isn't more important than her wishes on this. I think in your shoes I'd park it as it doesn't sound like you will get any answers from her.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 14/02/2025 23:48

She quite obviously doesn't want to talk about it so leave her be. As for not being fair suggesting you dreamt it, in the kindest way grow up. Lastly these tattoos sound quite identifying so you may want to delete this thread.

AngelicKaty · 14/02/2025 23:49

@dontsaystuff YANBU OP. Whatever happened to your DM was clearly very distressing and something she obviously doesn't want to revisit, but saying you've dreamt it all up in an effort to avoid any further conversation about it is undermining and unkind. Maybe you should explain this to her - that you understand she doesn't seem to want to tell you the truth of what happened to her, but to deny what you saw, that you asked her about it repeatedly at the time, and to claim if was a figment of your imagination is not fair to you. The least she could do is admit something did happen and the markings you saw were real, even if she doesn't want to discuss it further - and you would have to respect her wishes in this regards.
I hope you get some answers OP.

yourmaw · 14/02/2025 23:51

yay! @TwoFatDucklings .thats where my head went...or maybe accupuncture?

TwoFatDucklings · 14/02/2025 23:55

Garlicworth · 14/02/2025 23:38

Wouldn't explain her intense distress. It sounds like it was done against her will.

Getting similar tattoos, years later, does look as though she's reclaiming the marks - reasserting her bodily autonomy.

How upsetting, OP.

Show quote history

I see what you're saying, but I don't think we have to jump to the worst possible conclusion

She might have been embarrassed about being a life drawing model, she'd done it since college but her husband didn't know. She agreed to be drawn on this time, but didn't think it out. So needed to remove the evidence before he saw. She was stressed because the drawings didn't come off easily. Her DH was due back home any minute. She just wanted to earn a few extra quid. Years later she remembers her wilder youth with nostalgia, and wants to be reminded with a tattoo

Truth is, unless the mum tells the OP, they'll never know. But the answer doesn't have to be that she was abused or into kink or in a cult. There are less upsetting possibilities.

LoztWorld · 14/02/2025 23:58

Some kind of sexual assault where drawing on her was part of the humiliation?

Whatever happened, it was obviously hugely significant for her if she got tattoos referencing it later. It’s clear she doesn’t want to talk about it though and I would respect that - as frustrating as that may be for you.

Maddy70 · 15/02/2025 00:05

Honestly. Ask her about it

Carnation25 · 15/02/2025 00:07

TwoFatDucklings · 14/02/2025 23:27

What is she was a life drawing model and they drew on her as part of the art or to highlight the shapes of her muscles and features

Have been to a lot of life drawing classes and have never come a
ccross this.

SlightlyJaded · 15/02/2025 00:12

I have no idea what the initial incident was about, but I don't doubt your memory and am inclined to agree that her tattoos are her way of making peace with whatever happened.

Her discomfort when you saw them is because she knows that you are linking her tattoo with your memory and that has now sort of affirmed that she was hiding something from you.

I think you have the right to gently approach this again with her, but she may just not want to disclose - which is her right.

Christwosheds · 15/02/2025 00:15

I wonder whether because you were little and the marks were frightening, and distressing for your Mum, that your mind made more of them, eg they didn’t cover her body but they became “bigger” in your head ? But whatever happened I don’t think you imagined the whole thing. It’s really strange and upsetting, and the tattoos are even more strange. Are you saying your Mum has only just had these lines and arrow tattoos ? Perhaps she was assaulted, and has now had the tattoos as a way of processing it , reclaiming her skin. Only your Mum can tell you, so you need to find a way to get her to explain. Perhaps ask her to write it in a letter so that she doesn’t have to explain out loud ?

Anewyearanewday · 15/02/2025 00:21

I googled it and it suggests some form of witchcraft.

Do you know much about your mum's younger days - was she alternative?

MelainesLaugh · 15/02/2025 00:21

Did you ask her about the tattoos?

Christmasbird · 15/02/2025 00:24

Where had she been to come back from?
You were very young so who was looking after you?

healthybychristmas · 15/02/2025 00:27

Nobody draws all over your body in a life drawing class! That's just absolutely ridiculous. What kind of class would it be where a naked model's was drawn all over by the students in the class? You would get every pervert in the county there.

Circumferences · 15/02/2025 00:28

I've done life drawing classes a few times too and have never come across a life model being drawn on. That would be so disrespectful to the model.

I also think plastic surgery/ radiotherapy drawings are a possibility but not as you described "all over" like that.

Could you be misremembering? Maybe there were one or two lines and arrows but your memory is telling you there were more?

I'd agree with PP.
ASK your mum. Tell her you're basically traumatised by what you saw and you don't understand the tattoos.

IntermittentStream · 15/02/2025 00:29

I think you need to make your peace with the possibility it’s a false memory, or that you were a young child who misinterpreted what she saw, and that in either case your mother has made it clear she doesn’t want to discuss it. Linking tattoos done decades later is you making a narrative where none may exist.

Torrap · 15/02/2025 00:31

I've been to many life drawing classes and never has the model been drawn on

BeMoreAmandaland · 15/02/2025 00:36

Tell her you're basically traumatised by what you saw and you don't understand the tattoos.

No, don't do this. It's unfair, selfish and potentially cruel.

I understand what you saw when you were a child was frightening and that you're worried about your mum, puzzled by the mystery, but this isn't about you and it's none of your business - regardless of what you witnessed when you were young.

It's her story to tell, her business and you need to respect that. She'll tell if a) she wants to and b) she's ready.

Don't subvert her theorised trauma and make it yours. Respect her privacy - you're not entitled to know everything about her. She'll value your respext & discretion.

Furthermore, if there is trauma involved for her then prying can do more harm than good. Attempting to make her your trauma yours could be very damaging to her.

If you want someone to open up to you, you make it safe for them to do so and pressure doesn't make for a safe environment.

SassK · 15/02/2025 00:36

It seems strange that she's had tattoos done, reminiscent of a distressing event. There could have been drink/drugs involved, and she got upset when she'd sobered up and saw the pen marks. Or a psychotic/delirious event, occurring 'naturally' (not induced) and these marks still mean something to her (if she's remained prone to mental health episodes).
I'm sorry you experienced this, it's little wonder it has stuck with you. For your own emotional wellbeing though, I think you should try to accept it isn't something she's ever going to explain.
Edited to say I agree with others pointing out that time changes memories, often significantly. It's also worth noting that we tend to suffer more in imagination than in reality - you've ruminated and worried over the years about something that could've just been a silly drunken one off event for your Mum.

HotCrossBunplease · 15/02/2025 00:38

The line tattoo on her arm is new? Does she always cover her arms?

IntermittentStream · 15/02/2025 00:42

SassK · 15/02/2025 00:36

It seems strange that she's had tattoos done, reminiscent of a distressing event. There could have been drink/drugs involved, and she got upset when she'd sobered up and saw the pen marks. Or a psychotic/delirious event, occurring 'naturally' (not induced) and these marks still mean something to her (if she's remained prone to mental health episodes).
I'm sorry you experienced this, it's little wonder it has stuck with you. For your own emotional wellbeing though, I think you should try to accept it isn't something she's ever going to explain.
Edited to say I agree with others pointing out that time changes memories, often significantly. It's also worth noting that we tend to suffer more in imagination than in reality - you've ruminated and worried over the years about something that could've just been a silly drunken one off event for your Mum.

Edited

It’s only the OP’s interpretation that the new tattoos bear any relationship to whatever she believes she saw on her mother’s body as a child, though. And again her interpretation that her mother looked ‘upset and guilty’ when the OP saw her arrow wrist tattoo. That doesn’t make a lot of sense. If the tattoo was in any way secret, or something she didn’t want the OP to see, she would have had it inked elsewhere, not on a part of her body everyone sees all the time unless you regularly wear sleeves down to the knuckle.