Mums strange lie

[dontsaystuff]

One day when I was about 7/8 I remember my mum coming home visibly upset and rushing to the bathroom. I followed her to find her undressed, in tears and scrubbing at her skin. She was covered in arrows, dots and lines almost like surgical markings but on every inch of her skin.

She shut the door, I asked her about it often for the next couple of weeks she said that it was ‘just drawings’ and that she was fine. I could tell she continued to be upset by it and honestly feel like she changed since then.

I asked about it again a couple of years later and she completely denied it even happening, said it must have been a dream. The couple of other times I’ve asked about it she’s stuck to that story. I’d convinced myself that it might have been but it feels like it was such a clear l memory from my childhood, not just seeing her but the conversations we had after. I was very scared, confused and upset by it, still am.

Last year she got an upwards arrow tattooed on her wrist, she looked upset/guilty when I saw it. I’ve just seen a photo of her that shows a series of dashed lines tattooed on her other arm.

It’s driving me crazy, I can’t stop thinking about what could have happened, why she would get the tattoos and seeing her covered in the markings.

I understand that something upsetting obviously happened to her and why she wouldn’t want to tell me but
AIBU in thinking that it’s not fair to say I made it up especially when she’s gotten these tattoos?

I’ve experience trauma as a child.
It took me years to start seing it. It was so normal I was still in the ‘it’s my fault’ mode as an adult.
Now that I’m sorting through that, doing EMRD etc….things are finally settling down. The scales are falling from my eyes. And yes I would contemplate asking in a case like the OP.
When something has been affecting you all of your life, yes it’s ok to ask for clarification. Actually it would be ok to ask anyone, just not a mother.

@OverTheTopOfTheMountain When something has been affecting you all of your life, yes it’s ok to ask for clarification. Actually it would be ok to ask anyone, just not a mother.

I do agree with you but I also think it would be wise for the OP to consider and have a backup plan for what they'll do if no answers are forthcoming. That's why maybe making some plans for therapy might be a good move IMO.

@AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta i agree with that too.

As your mum was so upset when you witnessed her in the shower it could be possible that she'd been attacked and the markings on her body were from a police haven centre.
I has to use one over twenty five years ago, they circled injuries on my body and photographed them, they also use body map drawings.
I hope that hasn't happened to your mum but if it has even though your entitled to have a reaction to being witness to the aftermath I doubt the reason for your mum not wanting to talk about it are selfish ones.
It's an awful experience, do you think she could have suffered abuse from your dad. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to tell you?
I know a woman who has the dot dot dot and arrow tattoo, it signifies past present and future and the arrow can signify progression/moving forward.

According to Google They do still use body drawings to show injuries.
They did with me, like I said over twenty five years ago now, The hospitals the police use for these sort of things are called Havens. Mine was in south London, I'm guessing it's the same all over the country.

Sorry you went through that, PaperAeroplane

Instead of bring up the past again which has caused upset between you before, why don't you ask her about the tattoos this time instead? It might be a better way to get her to open up.

OP didn't say her mum did a full twirl for her when she walked in, her back could easily have been blank.

Agree. Childhood trauma should be taken seriously, as it can be very damaging.

It should be acknowledged and those who suffered it be supported and work through it via therapy.

You being ready to comfort her doesn't mean she's ready to confront whatever it is.

It's like forcing someone to revisit their trauma just because you've decided it's the right time.

If she felt she could confide in you amd get your support, she would have by now.

Let her deal with it her own way and be there for her IF and WHEN she decides to talk about it.

There're things in my past I'd rather not talk about. Bringing them up irl would open up a can of worms.

It's filed away but I know I'll have to deal with it at some point.
Certainly wouldn't be happy having someone else decide when that should be.

You're an adult now OP. You have your DM around, appreciate that and realise that sometimes being supportive is not going digging.

There a could be other explanations - a creepy boyfriend (or so-called "friends") who thought it was funny to draw on her when she was asleep. A pervert who drugged her and did it while she was unconscious. Her getting plastered / high and drawing on herself and thinking it was hilarious and encouraging her lover to draw on her too and then sobering up and suddenly it didn't seem funny.

But one way or another, it's probably a sex thing, which is why OP shouldn't try to force the issue. We're not supposed to know about our parents' sex lives.

• I don’t believe it was from genuine medical treatment like radiotherapy or tracking moles which she doesn’t have many of anyway. The arrows and lines were everywhere and seemingly random.

-She is quite spiritual and into holistic therapy so it could have been some kind of healing ritual or witchcraft that ended up scaring her.

• She has since had a few cosmetic surgery’s/procedure. They did look like surgical markings just completely excessive.

-No partner that I had met, obviously she could have been going to meet someone and they could have done it to her.

-Lots of possible explanations and I get why she didn’t tell me the full story when I was a child. I just don’t get why she’d lie that if imagined it and then get the tattoos. happened. She could have just told me it wasn’t something she wanted to talk about

-She’s only in her early 40s’s and has a couple of other tattoos so it’s not out of character that she got them. An arrow and dashed lines aren’t particularly weird to anyone else who didn’t see her covered in them or her reaction when I saw the arrow.

It's still for her to talk about If & when she feels ready.

They did look like surgical markings just completely excessive.
@dontsaystuff
Reading your responses it really sounds to me like they probably are markings that are used to show evidence to a crime.
Speaking from experience this is how evidence is sometimes photographed to use as evidence later down the line.
I'm in my forties and have a son in his twenties who overheard me talking about it to a friend last year and asked me about it.. I also told him that he must of been dreaming and denied it took place.
I don't enjoy lying to him but it is my story to tell and I don't want him to know. There is a lot of shame involved with this type of conversation that doesn't make sense to people that haven't experienced it.
Add to that the dot dot arrow tattoo it also matches this theory. (Past present future, moving on)

I just don’t get why she’d lie that if imagined it and then get the tattoos.

That's not really for you to figure out though.

You know that you didn't imagine it.

For whatever reason she doesn't want to talk about it.

She should have said that rather than lying.

Sorry that happened to you
It's possibly but not sure it makes sense, there were hundreds of tiny markings covering her whole body, ankle to wrists to neck
It was summer and I saw her arms and legs at least the next day and following weeks and there was no injuries where the markings were.

Lots of possible explanations and I get why she didn’t tell me the full story when I was a child. I just don’t get why she’d lie that if imagined it and then get the tattoos. happened. She could have just told me it wasn’t something she wanted to talk about

She could have lied to you because you pushed her for an answer when she wasn’t ready to share. That’s not to say you were at fault for trying, just to say that she wasn’t ready to acknowledge it to you. You may need to accept you that you may not get an answer for this.

The adult parent will filter and censor what they disclose to their child for number reasons. She is also entitled to privacy she’s not compelled to disclose everything to you. you are not owed an answer or a disclosure. It is time to accept you don’t and won’t know what went on,and leave it

@dontsaystuff I wonder why there are so very many disingenuous answers on this thread.
The DM now has visible tattoos which (possibly) refer to whatever happened, yet denies it ever happened; what a piece of work.

• OP is NOT asking for full disclosure as some are pretending she is.
• OP was the child, the DM the adult in charge: she chose to let OP witness something upsetting she couldn't understand, ignored her, and lied to her about it.
• If OP's questions had been addressed appropriately at any time, there would be no issues now.

The DM's trauma doesn't trump OP's. Whatever the DM went through does not justify trying to trick OP into doubting herself.

Not telling a child or the OP as an adult what happened is fair enough.

But that’s not what the OP wants. She wants clarification on whether a certain event happened or not. One she remembers clearly but her mum said it didn’t happen. One that is part of HER past and experiences.
And the mum apologising fur having lied/gaslit the Op would also go a long way tbh.

None of that needs the mum telling the OP what happened to her to get the marks.

clarification? She’s not entitled to any clarification or disclosure of an event. The potential event is with her mum. Her mum doesn’t have to revisit or disclose what may happened
The op memories of the event won’t be clarified, so in reality she’s best to accept that and not keep pondering the what ifs and what happened

Sorry that happened to you
It's possibly but not sure it makes sense, there were hundreds of tiny markings covering her whole body, ankle to wrists to neck
It was summer and I saw her arms and legs at least the next day and following weeks and there was no injuries where the markings were.
@dontsaystuff
I can't come up with any other explanation as to why your mum would have drawings on her body, do you have any thoughts as to what it could be?
In general is your mum a caring mother who doesn't lie and gaslight you?
It's also worth bearing in mind that it's extremely likely that your memory of how many drawings you think you saw on your mums body could be wrong. You were seven years old, memories distort all the time and are rarely reliable.
As someone else mentioned, false memory is a very real issue.
I have a strong memory of a magician's trick going wrong on surprise surprise (80s tv show) and the magician died on stage! This obviously didn't happen, it's a distorted/false memory.

Actually your memory of a comedian dying onstage is correct.
It was a live televised show from the London Palladiumi n the 1980's.
Tommy Cooper did in fact have a heart attack and die in front of a packed house and a TV audience.

@Zone2NorthLondon fighting the good fight for lies and unaccountability 😂

@PaperAeroplane Tommy Cooper died on stage - it was televised live too.