Mums strange lie

[dontsaystuff]

One day when I was about 7/8 I remember my mum coming home visibly upset and rushing to the bathroom. I followed her to find her undressed, in tears and scrubbing at her skin. She was covered in arrows, dots and lines almost like surgical markings but on every inch of her skin.

She shut the door, I asked her about it often for the next couple of weeks she said that it was ‘just drawings’ and that she was fine. I could tell she continued to be upset by it and honestly feel like she changed since then.

I asked about it again a couple of years later and she completely denied it even happening, said it must have been a dream. The couple of other times I’ve asked about it she’s stuck to that story. I’d convinced myself that it might have been but it feels like it was such a clear l memory from my childhood, not just seeing her but the conversations we had after. I was very scared, confused and upset by it, still am.

Last year she got an upwards arrow tattooed on her wrist, she looked upset/guilty when I saw it. I’ve just seen a photo of her that shows a series of dashed lines tattooed on her other arm.

It’s driving me crazy, I can’t stop thinking about what could have happened, why she would get the tattoos and seeing her covered in the markings.

I understand that something upsetting obviously happened to her and why she wouldn’t want to tell me but
AIBU in thinking that it’s not fair to say I made it up especially when she’s gotten these tattoos?

Not all would. I assume they only would if they wanted to...if the mother here doesn't want to there is absolutely nothing wrong with that!

You’re not going to get a resolution or answer,clearly she’ll not discuss it with you
All you can do is mentally file it under unknown and I would not persist with seeking an answer

It is so difficult as she has denied it happening but something did happen.

I wonder if you can say- I don’t need to know anything more than my memory is real and not imagined and anything else is totally private. I will respect that. And if you do want to talk to me then I am here to only listen.

My first thought is that she was involved in some kind of cult/witchcraft? Does this seem like something your mum would get involved in?

Maybe having the arrows/dots tattooed shows she still has some kind of connection to it.

Just some questions, OP

1. Could your mum possibly have drawn the marks on her own body, or were there straight lines on her back?
2. Were there any marks on her face, neck or hands?
3. What colour/s were the marks?
4. How do you know that the current marks are tattoos and not drawings?
5. You said that she'd changed, after the incident. In what ways had she changed?
6. Was there anyone else in the house at the time?
7. Have you mentioned this to any other family members?

Thanks

@Janiie when has the mum said these images are upsetting?

I would say cult/ witchcraft.

She probably got out of it if you were not aware of it growing up, which could be why she doesn't want to talk about it.

I think you need to make your peace with the fact that you'll never know.

You said you don't need to know what happened, just that something did. This is making it about you rather than about your mum's trauma. Please don't do that. For whatever reason your mum doesn't want to talk to you about this. Please respect her decision. You have no idea of the pain you may cause her by making her think about this, much less trying to make her talk to you.

this happened when you were a child - it was something your mother did not wish to share with you then, nor now
why are you unable to respect her privacy?

That's really strange and I can see why you're curious about the tattoos now. If your mum was upset back then and scrubbing her skin then that indicates that it was something that she didn't want. Possibly something against her will.
I'd ask her about the tattoos now.

Henna tattoo? Were super popular in early 90's until people started having really back reactions to them.

Just leave it though OP, you don't need to know, it's your Mum's business.

People don't get arrows drawn on their bodies when they do life modelling?! The client doesn't touch the model at all.
It must have been something someone did to her, and she doesn't want to share what happened. She might feel able to in the future, but for now unfortunately I think you'd better try and push it out of your mind. And just focus on making sure she's alright now.

I think I was home alone at the time and possibly remember her saying before hand that she just had to pop out for an appointment but don’t remember how long she was gone.

She looked at me clearly upset when she got home so knew I was there and then left the bathroom door open. At the time I assumed she wanted me to follow her and see her or she would have told me not to and shut/locked the door. Though I do know realise that if she was upset she probably wasn’t thinking about me.

I asked about it quite a lot the following weeks /months and she never told me not to just made light of it saying they were just silly drawings.

I didn’t ask again until I was a teenager when she lied and said that it never happened and I must have dreamt it and shut down sometimes forcibly any following mentions with the same story. I guess that's what I'm upset about, I've always kept it secret and never mentioned it to anyone else to protect her and have as adult left the subject alone but her getting the tattoos and letting me see them when she claims I made it up is hurtful for me.

You are making this all about yourself and it’s not. Even your comment about how she left the bathroom door open must mean she wanted you to see her. Let your mother be and move on, it’s not about you.

I’ve just seen a photo of her that shows a series of dashed lines tattooed on her other arm.

A recent photo? Has she still got the tattoos now or has she had them removed and is denying ever having them? Are they on display or does she keep her arms covered up so you can't see them?

It’s coming across as I'm making it all about myself because I’m posting on an anonymous forum asking for help and explaining my thoughts and feelings. I can’t speak about any of her thoughts or feelings as I don’t know them.

I don’t think it’s really about me, obviously I know it’s happened to her which is why I have dropped it, never told anyone else and am asking for advice before I consider mentioning it again. If I did mention it, I wouldn't make it about me to her.

As an adult I can see that she probably left the door open as she was upset and didn’t consider I could come in but as a child if felt like she wanted me to.

False memory is a thing. I vividly remember wearing a syren suit (an all-in-one suit with a hood for use during WWII and later) and looking out of an aeroplane at hills and valleys - it's Wales. I know I have whooping cough.
This is a false memory. I did have whooping cough and did have a syren suit (they were fashionable till mid-fifties) but I was not taken up in an aeroplane over Wales - which was a thing done by wealthy parents for children with whooping cough. My 'memory' is two-fold. 1. I had whooping cough and the suit. 2. My mother frequently told the story of how she had, as a baby, been taken onto a flying boat on the Solent, as her father had been a cabinet maker with the firm who built them. (I now also know there was a regular flying boat service from Southampton Water to the Isle of Wight).

These two memories have fused in my mind. Both are true memories but the resulting belief I flew over Wales is false (though maybe the mountains and valleys is an inherited memory from my mother - such inherited memories in our DNA are now shown to happen e.g. I and both my brothers were deeply interested in buying, selling and collecting antique furniture; not until I did some family history did I realise our nineteenth century ancestors had been cabinet makers - my DM always called her father a carpenter, which is different).
So your memory of your mother and the arrows may be based on two or more true memories but is in itself false.

You're not making it all about yourself. Some posters are being unkind about the scared young child you were.

It's not all about you. Given what I have also said about how false memories can be made, I'd leave it alone. It's not any of your business unless your mum wants it to be.

I'm heavily tattooed, I understand that tattoos can carry a personal meaning although arrows usually signify determination, strength and moving forward. Dashes can sometimes mean time or a journey. If something awful did happen to your mother, could it be that she has taken the markings and made them into something positive for herself that she can see on a daily basis to remind her how strong she is and how far she has come?
Also, if you have a picture of the dashes, do they match Morse Code?

OP please ignore the unkind people saying "It's not all about you." You never said it was. It was a frightening childhood experience that you want to talk about as you got no answers. That's OK

Its none of your business and leave it at that.

I was very scared, confused and upset

This is the crux of the matter. Fear.

Yes I agree. And the new tatoos the mother has recently had have created a mental representation of the earlier memory and so the feelings of fear and upset have re-emerged for the OP. This is totally understandable and it is very hard living with something so confusing and incongruent with regards to a loved one. The OP and her mother sound close, and it sounds like the OP just wants her thoughts and memories validated, she is not seeking to pry.

People posting on here can show an astounding lack of empathy at times, whilst at the same time lecturing the OP on their lack of empathy. Truly Bizarre....

Its weird to you and that's fine. To me its screaming traumatic reaction or ownership. Either ways this woman is an individual and owes nobody an explanation, not even her own daughter.