Mums strange lie

[dontsaystuff]

One day when I was about 7/8 I remember my mum coming home visibly upset and rushing to the bathroom. I followed her to find her undressed, in tears and scrubbing at her skin. She was covered in arrows, dots and lines almost like surgical markings but on every inch of her skin.

She shut the door, I asked her about it often for the next couple of weeks she said that it was ‘just drawings’ and that she was fine. I could tell she continued to be upset by it and honestly feel like she changed since then.

I asked about it again a couple of years later and she completely denied it even happening, said it must have been a dream. The couple of other times I’ve asked about it she’s stuck to that story. I’d convinced myself that it might have been but it feels like it was such a clear l memory from my childhood, not just seeing her but the conversations we had after. I was very scared, confused and upset by it, still am.

Last year she got an upwards arrow tattooed on her wrist, she looked upset/guilty when I saw it. I’ve just seen a photo of her that shows a series of dashed lines tattooed on her other arm.

It’s driving me crazy, I can’t stop thinking about what could have happened, why she would get the tattoos and seeing her covered in the markings.

I understand that something upsetting obviously happened to her and why she wouldn’t want to tell me but
AIBU in thinking that it’s not fair to say I made it up especially when she’s gotten these tattoos?

The OP has the right to ask.
The mum has the right not to want to disclosure.

And if that comes to pass the OP needs to find some way to accept the situation and move on.

And I say that as someone with a family member who is severely haunted by events in their past the they can't/won't speak about, even to a professional. Oh course I would like to know what happened to them, mainly so I could try to help them. But it's not to be and l must accept that.

Was she married at the time? Could it be that her distress you witnessed, was only caused by her fear of her husband finding out what happened?
Just wondering because if she had an affair with someone who drew lines on her body and she was really happy with it, it could explain later why she would get the tattoos.

You know you didn't make it up as she acknowledged it at the time as "just drawings".

It's a shame that she has lied since but obviously she hasn't wanted to talk about it with you.

Perhaps you could ask her about the tattoos?

Maybe you need to talk to a therapist about your feelings though.

They sound like the markings a plastic surgeon makes.
Like these? https://stock.adobe.com/images/cellulite-removal-arrow-scheme-markings-on-body-woman-plastic-surgery-set-of-photos/179509816

Your mother has a right to a private life.

@diddl Maybe you need to talk to a therapist about your feelings though.

That's not a bad idea. Hopefully it will be something the OP gives serious thought to.

Whatever happened to your mum back then must have been traumatic. It’s normal for her to not tell her 7-8 year old what had happened and she is entitled to privacy later in life. Whatever happened she is clearly not willing to talk about it and has indicated this on several occasions. I understand it’s bothering you big time (it would bother me too), but you need to follow her lead. She will tell you if she wants to and if she feels able to. All you can do is share with her how it made you feel but please do not use your feelings to force her to tell you. Perhaps tell her that you are here for her if she ever wants to share.

I got drawn all over, with arrows and numbers, when the dermatologist identified all my potentially dodgy moles that had to be photographed to be monitored. The draw an arrow pointing to each mole and a number. I had loads and I'm sure it would look alarming if you didn't know what it was. Maybe your mum had that and was also tearful from the scary appointment.

Google live your dash

I think you should leave your mum alone. Clearly something happened to her that was extremely upsetting and that she has no wish to share with you. Its not ideal obviously to try to convince you you imagined it, but through your intrusive curiosity (forgivable as a child, but not now you're a gown woman yourself) you've pushed her into a corner. Give her privacy and leave her be. It was never her intention you became aware if whatever happened to her and she owns you no explanation, nor do you need one.

She's had tattoos of the images! If she wanted it to be left in the past why on earth bring it all back up again.
The op was a dc disturbed by what she witnessed she has every right to ask for clarity.

And her mum has every right to privacy, especially if she has lived through something traumatic. People don’t get tattoos for other people, they do it for themselves.

I think I am definitely going to ask her about it again, I haven't asked for several years.
But understand that if she doesn't tell me anything now, I will just have to accept it.

This. If you genuinely do have this memory, and it isn't an inadvertent fiction, then I would say you should leave this alone...you don't have the right to know everything.

What her mum chooses to do with her own body is her business and nothing to do with anyone else.

The OP has the right to ask for clarity, the mum has the right to refuse. If that causes the OP turmoil then she must find other ways to deal with it. She cannot keep chipping away at another person, who has the right to privacy.

Kindly....question yourself....why do you need this information?

My parents are dead, there are many questions. It's hard.

The new tattoos might be a sign that she's processing things and perhaps more ready to talk.I would chose my moment but I would completely wade into it, ask why these tattoos look so much like the signs she was scrubbing away that day when I was 7. And I would tell her that I've been upset by that memory ever since.

She can't erase you out of the picture, you were there: she doesn't have to disclose what she doesn't want to disclose but she owes you an explanation.

Just say 'Something upsetting did happen I remember it clearly, please do not gaslight and tell me it's all in my head You now have tattoos which obviously bring the whole thing back. What happend and why all the secrecy yet a tattoo which will raise questions?'.
Good luck.

I wouldn't ask again.
You have asked multiple times and your mum has not told you anything despite having been given the opportunity. She obviously does not want to tell you, surely you must accept this.
Why do you think your right for information tops your mums right to privacy?

She has got a tattoo of said upsetting images. It is bound to bring it all back and raise questions.

She's told you repeatedly, leave it alone.

I don't know, I guess because she is alive and we see and speak to each other regularly. I don't necessarily need to know what happened just that something did.
It's weird to speak to her about big personal things when there's there's big thing that happened to her that she has lied about and said I imagined, that's not normal behaviour for her.

Obviously if it was someone I didn't have a close relationship with, I wouldn't consider asking them.

I disagree, that if you saw something as a child, you have a right to understand what it was, especially if troubling you.

Everyone is entitled to privacy, but you saw this and thus she should kindly explain, or at least give some explanation.

ie. I was spending time with some people and they did this, it upset me, I’m sorry it disturbed you.

It doesn’t have to be all the details.

Many concentration camp survivors viewed their number tattoos after the war as a sign of resilience over what they'd endured. The OPs mum may have got hers done for similar reasons. Still doesn't mean she wants to talk about it though.

Yes and they would share their experiences if asked.
Look, the parent doesn't have to tell her anything it is just a very weird thing to do. Say it didn't happen then get a tattoo of the very thing that didn't happen.