Mums strange lie

[dontsaystuff]

One day when I was about 7/8 I remember my mum coming home visibly upset and rushing to the bathroom. I followed her to find her undressed, in tears and scrubbing at her skin. She was covered in arrows, dots and lines almost like surgical markings but on every inch of her skin.

She shut the door, I asked her about it often for the next couple of weeks she said that it was ‘just drawings’ and that she was fine. I could tell she continued to be upset by it and honestly feel like she changed since then.

I asked about it again a couple of years later and she completely denied it even happening, said it must have been a dream. The couple of other times I’ve asked about it she’s stuck to that story. I’d convinced myself that it might have been but it feels like it was such a clear l memory from my childhood, not just seeing her but the conversations we had after. I was very scared, confused and upset by it, still am.

Last year she got an upwards arrow tattooed on her wrist, she looked upset/guilty when I saw it. I’ve just seen a photo of her that shows a series of dashed lines tattooed on her other arm.

It’s driving me crazy, I can’t stop thinking about what could have happened, why she would get the tattoos and seeing her covered in the markings.

I understand that something upsetting obviously happened to her and why she wouldn’t want to tell me but
AIBU in thinking that it’s not fair to say I made it up especially when she’s gotten these tattoos?

I agree with the pp who said it may have been kink/BDSM related. There’s quite a few people interested in body markings as part of this. Perhaps an initially consensual encounter went wrong, she was violated, subjected to this against her will. Her getting tattoos now, years later, may be her way of exerting autonomy over what’s done to and on her body.

I don’t think you should pursue this with her. She clearly doesn’t want to talk about it, you should respect that.

If she wanted you to know she would tell you. Not everything is your business even if it upsets you.

You're never going to know. Everyone can speculate about all kinds, but he fact is she doesn't want to tell you, to the point she has insinuated you are making it up. While this may feel unfair, if generally she doesn't do this, then I think you have to respect that is too traumatic for her. I think you should go to counselling yourself to try to come to terms with it as otherwise you will drive yourself crazy and it may damage your relationship with your mother

Honestly, don't broach this again with your Mum.
It's none of your business.Stay out of her private trauma if you think it's that.
Feel free to tie yourself in knots but leave your Mum alone . The chances are you've missed remembered / changed a fair bit of detail anyway. That's how memories go.

It reminds me of the scene in The Illustrated Mum when the bipolar mother covers herself in white paint and is taken to hospital.

Is DM's mental health ok? Could it have been some kind of episode?

Do you have a good relationship with your mum now? Are the tattoos recent? Then just compliment her on them, and ask her about them , what the meaning is and see what she says.

My daughter is in her 30s and I can still remember the way we reacted to that book.

OP, is there any way that your mum might have been going onto some sort of BDSM site? Did she have a partner at the time? Was she broke? The way she's reacted shows she wasn't doing it willingly. It's horrifying really the thought of her scrubbing herself afterwards

I had radio on my breast recently, I just have three small dots. I don’t think they would tattoo arrows or lines, but couldn’t say for certain.

Were any of the arrows on her back?

You know, your mum is entitled to privacy. She doesn’t have to share with you things that aren’t appropriate or that she doesn’t want to.

What are you hoping for? Is it to be reassured she is ok? Is it to satisfy your curiosity? Work that out and see what you need to move on.

Does she have a lot of moles? Could have been marking those at an appointment.

Maybe she had bruise marks at the time that needed to be measured and recorded after abuse.

She doesn’t want to tell you so respect that.

I've name changed for this. Something a bit different to your situation but my mum has a minor physical impairment that she had always explained away as something that just happened to her over time that then required addressing, resulting in where she is now.

I accepted this without question (or much interest!) as a child, but as an adult her explanation doesn't really make sense. I have gently asked about how this happened once or twice as an adult but she has quite firmly repeated the explanation. Arguably it's something she could be embarrassed about if her explanation is true, which could explain the sense of wanting the topic dropped, but I do suspect there's actually something else behind it which is either distressing for her or that she thinks would be distressing for me.

She has form for very genuinely wanting to shield people from unpleasant truths if she thinks no purpose could be served by them (and I know that she loves me more than anyone else, so I expect that would apply to the nth degree!) so I suspect the latter. I have even wondered whether her impairment was caused by someone I know or love.

I'm naturally very nosy curious and would always prefer an uncomfortable truth to a lie, BUT in this situation I acknowledge that I actually don't have a right to know. If I'm correct that I am not being told the full story, she had clearly decided that she is happier maintaining the fiction in front of me and ultimately that is her choice.

I could just be paranoid, of course, and she could be telling a slightly odd truth!

All of this to say, I really sympathise but I think you have to frame this on your head as: You very probably know what you saw. But maintaining this fiction is very unlikely to be with the intention of being cruelly gaslighting to you, and is either a protective instinct from her to you or is actually the only way she herself can psychologically cope with it.

Maybe leave it alone out of love for her.

Yes ask the person who was looking after you if they can remember anything about it. Or what did they say at the time?

I appreciate a pp saying she obviously wants to keep it private but she can't, you witnessed something that disturbed you and now bizarrely she's had an arrow tattoo which will obviously bring it all back.

Thankyou for the suggestions.
I agree that she shouldn't have to tell me in, any even if it is something terrible that I might not want to know.
I think I just would like her to say, yeah that happened but I'd rather not talk about it.

I haven't asked her about the tattoos, the reaction to me when I saw the first one seemed as if she didn't want to me to. I don't think they would be considered strange to anyone else, it is just a small arrow on one arm and some small dashed lines on the other

So why get weird tattoos then? Clearly it is going to bring it all back.

It upset you op, you were exposed to something that she should explain. She's your Mother not some stranger.

We are normally quite close, she has told me about other traumas and upsetting things she's been through so it isn't normal for her to especially private.

I don't see there being anything that I wouldn't tell her, she's usually the first person I would go to if I was upset (I am now moved out and in my 20's) she has apart from this incident encouraged that relationship between us.

That must be horrible OP.
Really hope you get to the bottom of it. X

How unsettling, I understand the need to know OP.

I agree that it would be fair for her to acknowledge to you it did happen but that you need to then accept if she won't explain it.

I believe you saw what you saw and picked up certain emotions, but that perhaps your mum may not have been distressed on her own account? She may have been stressed about cleaning herself off before you or someone else saw?

Would it feel better if you knew it was consensual for her e.g. kink, witchcraft and that her tattoos now are also representing that part of her?

It might be she doesn't want you to know that about her because she doesn't want you to think differently about her, or she just wants to keep it private.

This is everything I wanted to say but put more eloquently than I could have managed to.

If she's normally open about other traumas then she might not be able to talk about this one for very good reasons, she might have buried and internalised it in order to function and survive. I'd be very concerned about any potential harm I might cause by trying to make her front up to something that there are obvious deep reasons she is unwilling/unable to do so.

I would do exactly this. As parents, we can have distressing things happen in our own lives that greatly impact our children. I think it’s long been believed that covering them up and burying them is best for everyone. But trauma moves through families. It doesn’t just happen to one person and be buried and stop. It goes to ground. Then years later pops up in other places and spreads. Until someone is brave enough to shine a light on it.

If this was something traumatic, she may think she’s going right by keeping this hidden and sparing you. But you’ve already been traumatised in your own way. That’s already happened and you’ve then kinda just been left with no answers.

Speaking from my own personal experience, finally saying the words about the thing that happened can be incredibly healing for everyone. She can always say no. And I’d respect that. But it’s not about asking what happened, it’s an invitation to her to help you heal from how this impacted you and it may be incredibly healing for her too.

Sorry this isn’t what hypnotherapists do. They don’t work with reclaimed memories.

OP, I disagree with the posters who say you don’t have a right to ask your mum about this. This was clearly something very distressing for her but for you too, and I think the healthiest thing might be to bite the bullet and ask outright. Your mum might refuse to tell you, but you’ll have this eat at you the rest of your life otherwise. Of course tell her you love her no matter what, but you need at least some explanation.

My first thought would be that she was was having an affair, fell asleep and her lover covered her in markings while she was asleep.

This is a classic way to disclose to the spouse. If your DH came home with a load of markings all over his back from a sharpie, you would soon cop on.