To think we overthink parenting these days??

[Waffle19]

I’ve just had my daily scroll on Instagram and been bombarded by parenting posts such as ‘imagine you’re 5 years old and trying to get dressed’ and ‘5 ways you’re abusing your child’ which includes things like yelling.

Now admittedly it’s easy to avoid this by just not going on social media but that and so many posts I see on here just make me think maybe we’ve overthinking things these days?

Is my four year old really going to be traumatised because I rush him to get his shoes on every morning?

Is my one year old really going to learn how to act safer because I say ‘what’s your plan here’ instead of ‘be careful’ every time?

I used to lap all of this and the whole gentle parenting thing up but I think I’m slowly realising what a ridiculous amount of pressure I’ve been putting on myself.

My kids are loved, fed, clothed, read to, seemingly happy, and I try not to yell too much. Surely that’s enough? Is this me emerging from the PFB bubble??

YANBU - get off social media and stop overthinking

YABU - you need to learn all this stuff else your kid will have issues later down the line

Gentle parenting is the reason there are alot of entitled little shits around. If being rushed to put shoes on age 4 caused lifelong trauma we'd all be fucked. So glad I don't do social media, apart from MN obviously

I think in the past we under-thought it, to a really extreme degree. (There are still a lot of people who under-think it)
In order for a new normal to be reached often the pendulum swings wildly in the other way. Or people are (sorry to be blunt) well meaning but not well researched, so they hear about gentle parenting and think 'that's what I want for my child, I got shouted at lots when I was a child' and then doesn't do proper research or doesn't have the intelligence to carry it out properly and it turns into 'never setting any boundaries' which isn't actually what gentle parenting is... then people come on here and complain about gentle parenting, when that isn't actually what the person is doing, they are just calling it that and because the person complaining hasn't done their research either they end up spreading misinformation about gentle parenting.....
I think that the fact that i STILL meet parents who aren't aware of how talking about other people's weight, or their own weight, or food in certain ways can be damaging to a developing child's brain means there's still a lot of under-thinking going on (to take just one example) I'm always shocked, I remember awareness about anorexia being massive when I was younger, but that was probably just due to my surroundings...
Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there who go 'well i don't think that (thing) damaged me or anyone I know so therefore it's not an issue and people are being silly to think about it" without it occurring to them that there's a whole wide world full of people out there with different experiences?
(Or maybe they are oblivious to how it obviously HAS affected them... but that's another thread)

I’ve been a nanny for 15 years and I have my own child too. I’m inclined to agree with you.

For the most part, it IS overthought. I think boundaries and routine are important and make a child feel safe and secure.
On the other hand, since having my own I do appreciate even more how children really are their own little people with all the thoughts and feelings and no idea how to manage them. They need guidance, patience and kindness. They also need to be jollied along to put their coats on if we are going to miss the bloody bus 🤣

I usually take a benign dictatorship approach but with a lot of love and cuddles.

Agree with this - I lose count of how many times I’ve seen people refer to permissive parenting as gentle parenting, and don’t comprehend the vast difference.

I think you are following the wrong accounts on social media. Mine is all holidays and 15 minute meals in an air fryer. Much healthier.

Parenting I think is, in the main, common sense. It's the first thing I felt really good at. Found it harder with the first but I realised by the second, nothing I did was likely to make a difference (routine wise) so chilled out.

I never read any parenting books except "French children don't throw food" which also seemed to me to be very common sense. Children should have room to explore and self determine but a firm set of boundaries and manners. I don't know if that's actually how French kids are raised but it's worked well here so far.

I agree. Gentle parenting as a misunderstood trend seems to have resulted in entitled kids. We are in a global economy and I think we have done our kids a disservice in some ways.

@JustMarriedBecca That definitely sounds more like more my type of social media!! Annoyingly it’s not accounts I follow but suggested posts and the problem is because I engage with them it shows me more of them and before you know it I’m sucked in a vicious cycle of voice of the child type posts which make me feel so guilty.

Yanbu

Unfortunately as with many generally good ideas (don't be abusive or overly authoritarian to your kids) when it goes too far it turns into a negative. Kids need boundaries including getting them to hurry up. Gentle parenting combined with lack of any discipline is causing kids far more problems then hurrying to put shoes on after multiple asks!

I agree with everything here!

Yeah, I definitely think common sense plays a huge part. And perhaps confidence in your abilities. Trouble is, most of us are affected in some way by the way WE were parented, and often it’s difficult not to project in some way or make a (sometimes misguided) pledge to do things completely differently. Then some people are so easily influenced by their peers, social media, the latest trends etc etc. And of course, women are often made to feel guilty whatever they do. We don’t in many cases have ‘a village’ so it’s easy to see why you’d seek out guidance in another medium. It’s a bit of a minefield.

Dd3 described me to someone without knowing I could hear and she was saying how I was really kind and gentle and loving. I’m so happy she feels like this because I feel like I spend a significant amount of time yelling at her to get off her phone, clear up after herself and get to bed (she’s 13). I often feel bad for yelling and think I sound be more patient but I think I stress more than I should.

I find it endlessly amusing that there are memes about gen Xers being hard as nails cause we drank from hose pipes, ate mud and played out from dusk til dawn but we’ve managed to bring up the most insecure anxious generation of kids by overthinking absolutely everything from pregnancy to sleeping/feeding/routine etc

Just found out a couple of weeks ago that I’m pregnant with our first and already overthinking it. Buying all the books. All. The. Books.

In the long run though, I think as long as I parent with common sense and set up a therapy fund for them, I can’t mess them up too much, right?!

Yes, it’s exhausting.

But - I do in fact think it’s in part driven by how JUDGED parents are for every element of their parenting, and every aspect of their child’s behaviour.

It’s on my life of ‘reasons for the low birth rate’ - having a child is now treated a bit like a full time job.

See thread running currently of mother feeling guilty for spending one weekend away from her kids aged 2 and 4. My parents were often off doing things at weekends and going to dinners etc.

@LaughingCat Congrats! Don’t read any books, you’ll be fine. Therapy fund is a great shout mind you.

When my nieces and nephews come round to my house they are told not to grab and pull at the cat by saying 'kind hands!'

...i don't really understand why that's supposed to be better than 'don't pull the cat's fur, you'll hurt him' but I'm not a parent.

Wtf does 'kind hands' even mean? It doesn't seem to stop them terrorising poor kitty.

You don’t need all the books! Or the apps. Pick one or two, breathe, relax, you’ll be fine. You don’t need 25+ voices telling you how to get to know and parent your own little baby. You have your own voice for that, listen to it, no book can do that for you.

no harm in gaining some info but no one’s going to make you take an exam!

@FanofLeaves This is spot on for me. I think second time around I have more confidence that I’m not going to break my child my saying the wrong thing, especially as I now have more experience of different children who have all been parented differently and yet for the most part are all great kids.

And I was shouted at a lot as a kid so I always swore I wouldn’t shout which I think means I feel extra guilty when I do. And I’m also massively influenced by social media. I need to quit it really, and probably mumsnet!!!

Yanbu at all.

There was a thread on here the other day where a young adult was talking about the 'abuse' from her mother for calling her selfish when she was a teen. I started having a little panic about what my dds would think of me. I have definitely called them selfish, because guess what, at times their behaviour has been exceptionally selfish. Are we supposed to have just said 'never mind darling, it's fine for you to have woken the whole house up at 3am?'

There seems to be an expectation of absolute perfection from mums nowadays, and woe betide if you use the wrong word.

@arethereanyleftatall me and my mum had some almighty rows when I was young and a really tense few years when I was a teen, I remember really resenting her. We’re super close now, she’s the best grandma and the first person I call about anything! So I’m sure you and your daughter will work out just fine.

100%, it really clouds your own instincts as a parent.
I particularly hate the videos describing how babies are only small for such a short period of time and promoting the idea of being a SAHM - but when you read the caption they’re promoting their own fucking MLM scheme. “Let me show you how to make money while being at home with your kids”. So you watch this real guilt inducing video as you’re casually scrolling so someone can scam mums for money.

You don't know how lovely that was to read 🤗

I massively overthink parenting (mine are tweens) i don't know how to handle it, i cant do emotions, I do not follow social media (apart from text-based ones like this) and I have a distant relationship with my own parents.

Yelling is never good.

Do gentle parenting proponents realise it has no basis in science or research? The best evidence based method is authoritative - strict but fair and loving, with good discipline and consequences.

YANBU!