To think we overthink parenting these days??

[Waffle19]

I’ve just had my daily scroll on Instagram and been bombarded by parenting posts such as ‘imagine you’re 5 years old and trying to get dressed’ and ‘5 ways you’re abusing your child’ which includes things like yelling.

Now admittedly it’s easy to avoid this by just not going on social media but that and so many posts I see on here just make me think maybe we’ve overthinking things these days?

Is my four year old really going to be traumatised because I rush him to get his shoes on every morning?

Is my one year old really going to learn how to act safer because I say ‘what’s your plan here’ instead of ‘be careful’ every time?

I used to lap all of this and the whole gentle parenting thing up but I think I’m slowly realising what a ridiculous amount of pressure I’ve been putting on myself.

My kids are loved, fed, clothed, read to, seemingly happy, and I try not to yell too much. Surely that’s enough? Is this me emerging from the PFB bubble??

YANBU - get off social media and stop overthinking

YABU - you need to learn all this stuff else your kid will have issues later down the line

@JustMarriedBecca

Of course: sometimes you just have to lay down the law and there isn't time for a long debate about something, I completely get that.

But the whole argument from people who are furious about "gentle parenting" seems to be that its wrong to have any discussion or dialogue with your kids: you just have to tell them what to do and that's the end of it. I just don't think endlessly barking orders and expecting them to be followed without any questioning or pushback is realistic or healthy. Parenting isn't the army.

There's a middle way between a 15 minute discussion about why we tie our shoelaces and "just do as I say".

I agree OP. It really isn't that hard (if no additional needs) children need boundaries to feel safe. They need parents to parent. They also need to be listened to. Children have opinions and feelings too.

There’s never any nuance though. If you were balling at your children day in day out it is obviously unacceptable. If you’ve been pushed to the brink and raise your voice once a month to ask DC to put their coat on, you’re Rose West according to MN.

I was 42 when my DD was born so had plenty of time to observe friends of my own age doing things that seemed to me sensible and others that appeared ludicrous. Sensible things involved boundaries and clarity - the parents having confidence in their own authority - and the ludicrous ones fuzziness and parental faffing about. A friend in Italy talked to me about Bruno Battelheim and the parent imagining they are the child so they can be sensitive to the needs of the child. With those foundation stones in place, everything else follows.

Unfortunately, a family very close to me practised the second kind of parenting with their two sons. The parents separated and the mother died unexpectedly and suddenly, leaving the father to take back an 11-year old and a nine-year old who had never been taught to heed what any adult said to them. The three of them had a very difficult 10 years. Both boys are now grown up. The elder has two small daughters and chaos reigns, sadly, as it did for him - no routine, weary parents, both parents needed to feed a two-year old, each parent sleeping with a different child, all outings a major performance. The younger will become a father in a few weeks. I have my fingers crossed that he will have observed his brother and taken heed.

It's hard not to conclude that something is going seriously wrong in lots of households with poor behaviour so widespread in so many schools. Perhaps Mumsnet should diversify and offer parenting classes.

What, on your nipples? Did it not hurt to pull them off again? 😬

(I mean, otherwise it's a genius idea)

I always remember someone saying on mumsnet that you're raising adults and that's always stuck with me.
Raise them to be good functioning adults who are engaged with the family, society and world they live in.

No it was fine, no pain at all!

I think possibly the key word is 'sometimes' rather than 'never'.

Sometimes you need to shout. Sometimes you DO need to treat them as though you're in the army. Sometimes you really do have to lose your shit and behave like a madwoman just to get their attention. But sometimes you can sit and have a discussion about why this and that aren't appropriate.

It's the current trend for 'never' - shouting, ordering your kids to do something, forcing them to do something they don't want to that is the problem as i see it. If kids are never given a real dressing down (when appropriate, obviously), then they don't learn that they can be told off and yet still loved. Any kind of negative emotion is world-ending for them. If they can shrug and say 'yeah, ok, maybe I should help clear the table', then it's a valuable lesson.

All-day shouting, yelling and ordering about is a problem.

I think a lot of splitting goes on with parenting styles: gentle parenting is either the only right way or completely shit parenting; occasionally shouting at your kids is either actively encouraged or horribly abusive. This is then compounded by the social circles you move in. It really does become an echo chamber.

The reality is probably somewhere in the middle and different children respond to various approaches differently. One of my children is really sensitive and highly strung, the other is much more laid back.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat

Exactly: why does it need to be all or nothing? There’s a place for shouting sometimes and a place for hard boundaries. There’s also a place for calm and rational discussion.

I also had a mix of children. Two didn't listen to anything I said, one was very sensitive, and two were a mixture of the two, being reasonably biddable but also given to disobedience. So I couldn't use 'gentle parenting' (which would have suited one of them, but the others would just have laughed) and I couldn't be totally authoritarian (because the sensitive one would have cried continuously for her entire childhood). Sometimes I had to bellow and sometimes I could be more careful, but sitting carefully explaining where they went wrong and what I expected would not have cut ANY ice with two of them!