To think we overthink parenting these days??

[Waffle19]

I’ve just had my daily scroll on Instagram and been bombarded by parenting posts such as ‘imagine you’re 5 years old and trying to get dressed’ and ‘5 ways you’re abusing your child’ which includes things like yelling.

Now admittedly it’s easy to avoid this by just not going on social media but that and so many posts I see on here just make me think maybe we’ve overthinking things these days?

Is my four year old really going to be traumatised because I rush him to get his shoes on every morning?

Is my one year old really going to learn how to act safer because I say ‘what’s your plan here’ instead of ‘be careful’ every time?

I used to lap all of this and the whole gentle parenting thing up but I think I’m slowly realising what a ridiculous amount of pressure I’ve been putting on myself.

My kids are loved, fed, clothed, read to, seemingly happy, and I try not to yell too much. Surely that’s enough? Is this me emerging from the PFB bubble??

YANBU - get off social media and stop overthinking

YABU - you need to learn all this stuff else your kid will have issues later down the line

Yes I think social media, all these child psychologists and 'parenting experts' put more pressure on mums. More pressure equals more stress and ultimately that will make us act worse as mum's. So I think it does way more harm than good. Personally anyway.

I bought pregnancy and baby books in three languages. Then, the second DS was born, I thought ‘What complete bollocks’ and gave them all away. However, I have the ultimate guide in ‘do everything differently to my own parents’. Who were and are lovely, but shouldn’t have been left in charge of a goldfish, far less five children.

@Waffle19 i had the same problem on Instagram, I stupidly interacted with these suggested posts about parenting and it showed me more of them, so I started clicking the three little dots and clicking “not interested”. It’s stopped the algorithm showing me all this parenting stuff and now I have funny videos of cats most of the time (which I’m all here for). And in response to your op, yes we do overthink it. The pressure of thinking that you can make or break your child is just silly, your relationship with you child is a complex interplay of personalities, genetics, circumstances and so on. I was once asked how do you raise a child well (because I have a degree in psychology) and I said “you love them and you pay attention to them.” Still stand by it :p

I'm a big believer in 'good enough' parenting. We are pretty good parents but we are not perfect and that's ok.

@BendingSpoons Yes that’s exactly where I’m at! I’m never going to be perfect but I think my good enough is ok

@ElatedBee I did actually do that once but slowly and surely they’ve crept back into my field, I need to spend some time going through it I think!!

I hate the "kind hands" thing as well and "good walking/pushing/moving". Like you need praise just to do what you're already doing!

I think between permissive parenting and authoritarian parenting i think the latter produces better results. At least kids will be resilient. And the parents are more relaxed

For what it’s worth I don’t think it’s doing kids any favours to believe we are perfect at it either! How do ANY of us know what’s ‘right’, we can only do our best. We just show up, love and listen and it can’t go too far wrong hopefully! But we’re only human at the end of the day.

Saying no is paramount to child abuse these days. Aren't you meant to say something like 'oh I understand how you are feeling and it's so sad when we can't do what we want but how about we do....' or some crap like that.

Much simpler in the past: NO

I agree OP and was just discussing this with DH tonight. Our 11 year old is going through a hard time right now and I feel like I just can’t say the right thing at all, every single time I give him advice I spend so much time thinking ‘I shouldn’t have said that, that’s it I’ve totally fucked him up now’, whenever I tell them off I feel so bad I end up apologising.

I read so much about childhood trauma and emotionally abusive parents and then worry about how bad I might unintentionally be treating them (even though I’m not sure how much trauma can be equated with living in a nice house with three square meals a day, numerous activities, friends round whenever you want, holidays, family time etc etc but anyway…..).

I stress that they will hate me when they are older and go NC with me for doing/saying the wrong thing (although that might just be to much MN!) and overthink every single little thing.

Irony is I work in a job that many people find really high stress and I don’t overthink any of that at all!

I go for firm but fair. If i shout, i shout. Mummy is not a pushover. Kids need you to be in charge, it makes them feel safe.

I will NOT allow a home of chaos where no one is happy.

I utterly despise this. I've never uttered the phrase "kind hands" or "gentle hands". I can't abide it.

If my 3 year old ever dared hurt an animal, he would be told off in no uncertain terms.

@FanofLeaves For what it’s worth I don’t think it’s doing kids any favours to believe we are perfect at it either!

Totally agree. We show them we're not perfect either. No one is perfect, and it's all ok!

Exactly. And also the whole overly apologising for shouting at your child, even if they were doing something bad or about to get hurt. The amount of posts I've seen on here about mum guilt for shouting and being in tears about it. Wtaf?!😂

I remember telling one of my son’s friends (completely NT before anyone comes at me!!) at the playground for deliberately stamping on a butterfly minding its own business and the mum came running over saying ‘oh kind feet, kind feet, we say kind feet don’t we’ I said it’s a bit bloody late he’s killed it. She said ‘yes well we don’t need to make him feel sad about it!’ 😐

Mum guilt for going to work, mum guilt for going to the toilet alone, mum guilt for taking a shower, mum guilt for making sure everyone gets a good night's sleep, mum guilt for feeding with a bottle, mum guilt for saying no...what is wrong with this generation of women? And how do men put up with it? (My DH wouldn't, her would tell me to get over myself and rightly so)

😂 love it. I can't remember the exact quote but someone on here said something along the lines of "when you're a mother, you're never doing anything right". Can't do wrong for doing right basically. Women need more confidence in their ability to parent and not listen to every idiot with advice 🤣

@FanofLeaves

The little shit 😮

My DC went to an extremely crunchy, Steiner influenced preschool (it was actually really good for toddlers, they spent loads of time playing outside, learning about nature, eating healthy food and all that), which means that my parent friends and acquaintances from those days were all very much on the hippy side.
Consequently, for some years my Facebook feed was flooded with this shit. All those passive aggressive articles referring to you as "Mama" 🤮, emphasising what a short time it is your little ones are tiny (bollocks, if you have two or three in a row it could be as much as a decade) and how it's such a tiny sacrifice having broken sleep for years because if you sleep train them it's cruel etc etc etc....
Honestly? I think it's tantamount to maternal abuse. To me, it just seems like relentless propaganda designed to guilt trip mothers for having any needs, and if I was a conspiracy theorist I'd suspect it was all being churned out by some dreadful bot factory aiming to get us all under the jackboot of the patriarchy again.

@FanofLeaves and there's your first meeting with a future psychopath 😂 Did you tell the mom that he should feel sad about it?

I know, but are you always good?

I always feel a bit ashamed when I've resorted to raising my voice, because it shows I've lost my cool, but I've definitely done it.

My parents very rarely yelled at me, so when they did it really pulled me up sharp!

Mostly, if I misbehaved, they were just "very disappointed" in me, which was most effective.

I did, and he’s also never been allowed to play at ours because we have two rescued house bunnies and they’ve had enough trauma as it is.

every time that bloody episode of Bing comes on where he squishes the butterfly my son pipes up ‘do you remember when…’

His mum never tells him off though. I think the day I saw him do that to the butterfly was the first telling off he’d ever had in his life.

Well I must be terrible. I bottle fed, sleep trained (not that it took much), went back to to work (and skipped in with delight), don't allow screens, don't allow the kids to dictate what they eat, I say no, I shower and poo alone, I make them shower, I tell them off if they're naughty, I insist on please and thank you.

But weirdly, they are happy, clean, healthy and polite. So being old fashioned must work?

Reading this was like a breath of fresh air!! I agree completely, particularly about the pendulum swinging to the other extreme before a new "normal" middle ground is settled on again for a while.

The pleases and thank you one is a recent thing I think. My niece and nephew aren’t made to say it. It’s a they do if they want to sort of thing. My dad commented recently how nice it is that I always remind my three year old to say please and thank you- I’ve been doing that since he could babble. . In my mind that’s a completely basic requirement of politeness and so easily learnt. But I think it’s fashionable these days (and I sound old but I’m not even 40!) to not prompt and let them make their own decision on saying platitudes, only say it if they mean it or something.

Literally, PLEASE 🙄🤣