To think we overthink parenting these days??

[Waffle19]

I’ve just had my daily scroll on Instagram and been bombarded by parenting posts such as ‘imagine you’re 5 years old and trying to get dressed’ and ‘5 ways you’re abusing your child’ which includes things like yelling.

Now admittedly it’s easy to avoid this by just not going on social media but that and so many posts I see on here just make me think maybe we’ve overthinking things these days?

Is my four year old really going to be traumatised because I rush him to get his shoes on every morning?

Is my one year old really going to learn how to act safer because I say ‘what’s your plan here’ instead of ‘be careful’ every time?

I used to lap all of this and the whole gentle parenting thing up but I think I’m slowly realising what a ridiculous amount of pressure I’ve been putting on myself.

My kids are loved, fed, clothed, read to, seemingly happy, and I try not to yell too much. Surely that’s enough? Is this me emerging from the PFB bubble??

YANBU - get off social media and stop overthinking

YABU - you need to learn all this stuff else your kid will have issues later down the line

There is such a 'no true Scotsman' thing from advocates of gentle parenting. Obviously it works if you insist any variant where it isn't is obviously someone doing it wrong. Also if you're just defining it as parenting that isn't abusive it really doesn't warrant a specific term.

Honestly kind of think all parenting "styles" are a lie and in real life everyone just fumbles through/ throws everything at it/ does the best they can.

I don't believe for a second anyone is a fully gentle or permissive parent because I have a toddler and if I wasn't firm sometimes we would never leave the house, at least not fully clothed. Likewise it would be pretty dull life being authoritative all the time and it won't gain you much respect as they barely respect the laws of physics as it is.

You be soft, you be firm, you bribe, you punish, sometimes you loose it, you grab them when they are about to do something stupid and whatever works probably won't next time.

I think we look in books and social media to find a magic answer but is just hard, anything worth it normally is. It's all a predatory practice - someone else gets paid for books and clicks whilst feeding off our mum guilt, exhaustion and desperation.

(Also , side note, maybe a bit hypocritical but, absolutely RICH my parents generation saying mine are too gentle because as grandparents they spoil them way more than we do! A realive told me my 18-month old was probably a fussy eater because I didn't "make" them clean there plate and the proceeded to give them 4 of MY biscuits "but she keeps asking for them")

Well the problem is so many of us grew up in abusive situations that weren’t labelled as such; shouting, hitting, belittling. I understand how, for those of you who didn’t grow up like this, anything else just seems like “normal parenting” but for generations that sort of parenting is what has been normalised, so it’s about undoing that.

What a load of nonsense, we have raised successful human beings for millions of years without these Instagram and 'gentle parenting' 'experts'. Everyone famous or wannabe famous person is a parenting expert these days.

Best thing I ever read when my children were little was: ‘give me a child until he is seven and I will show you the man’ (Aristotle).

In my opinion gentle parenting = shit parenting.

They don't learn anything from it other than they can get away with pretty much anything.

Instagram is a menace for this. Unfollow everything and only go onto the "Following" feed, it's much calmer.

Lots of criticism of what you're supposedly getting wrong but there is not enough time in an instagram reel or square photo with whatever the character limit is of text to be able to give nuanced, helpful, applicable advice.

And it is never as black and white as the things they are making out as being "wrong". The insinuation is that you're going to massively damage your child if you ever do this thing, when that is not true. Children are extremely resiliant and can survive normal parenting. Don't neglect or abuse them, and you are unlikely to do them harm. If you are struggling with a particular aspect of parenting, read a book or listen to a podcast or do a course. Don't use social media for parenting advice unless you're using it to get a quick overview of what a particular author's style and beliefs are before you invest in their book/course/etc, or you're reading other people's lived experiences or obtaining support e.g. for a specific parenting situation where it's hard to meet others IRL.

I also think back and forth forums like MN and reddit can be helpful, but beware of echo chambers - a lot of FB groups have become unfortunately like this. It can help a lot to sense check what you read online against people you know IRL.

I agree, and the most important thing is to say sorry when we do e.g. shout, modelling good emotional regulation is the ideal but we are all human. I don't think it hurts kids to see we can be hurt or upset or angry and then if we do behave badly ourselves in response to those feelings, we can make sure we apologise and take accountability for our own behaviour, then that is also a useful model/ life lesson.

Yes! No one's work is that critical they can't wait 60 seconds if they are in Costa and my kids can order as efficiently and easily as a lot of older / elderly / adults.

I've never limited anything or refused to expose them to certain experiences because of their age (talking more about access to age 4+ jigsaws when they are 2/3 rather than age 15 films obviously!)

@Twatalert

Yelling is bizzare to me. People would never yell at their coworker for example, but yelling at a child is somehow okay. Being yelled at is frighting for a child, especially a very young one, and means discipline is achieved through fear.

I completely agree: how is a child supposed to learn that shouting and yelling is inappropriate in adult life if their earliest emotional template is being yelled at?

The other thing that worries me about this anti gentle parenting rhetoric is the idea that its a bad idea to have a conversation with children about why something is wrong. Again, how is a child supposed to learn a moral compass if there's no discussion or explanation around why things are done and not done?

Of course if a child is about to stab a cat with a fork or there is an escalation of bad behaviour you yell "no" rather than "kind hands" (which is bollocks anyway). But there's a whole spectrum in between stabbing a cat and day to day interaction between parents and kids. Surely explaining to your kids why they have to wear school uniform or clear their plates after dinner is better than just repeatedly barking: "No arguments, just do it."

For parents to be authoritative and effective they have to be both respected and trusted. That means that the child should know the parent has the last word and should be clear on the boundaries. But it can't work unless the child believe in the parent's rationale for doing things in the first place. Undirected, blanket authoritarianism eventually prompts rebellion.

A little bit but not in the way you're suggesting. I think social media pushes a lot of quick fixes for normal behaviours that adults don't like and makes parents less accepting and instead resistant.

I also think a good number of adults have attachment disorders from their own childhood that they don't want to pass on.

I think it’s stemmed from parents, mothers in particular feeling judged more than ever. Social media definitely hasn’t helped that! You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

My mother and my MIL have endless opinions on parenting. The latter in particular is very quick to point out what she thinks I’m doing wrong (breastfeeding, not using cry it out etc) Then you log into social media and are presented with even more micro aggressions and the picture perfect parenting methods. My parents generation (boomers) have noted they didn’t really get criticisms from their parents or in-laws, but did rely on them quite heavily for childcare. But they didn’t have the constant comments.

I think a lot of us millennial parents, were parented by authoritarian methods, which we don’t necessarily agree with anymore. This may have led to the rise of new approaches such as gentle parenting. It all seems so competitive as well. It’s baffling. We’re all just doing our best, like our parents did their best.

My mother was incredibly strict and at times very controlling. I resented her for it at the time, but as I grew up, I realised she was just doing her best. She was overstimulated, exhausted and just wanted to do her best. I’m keen for my children not to see me as angry and controlling, as I remember how it felt. Not entirely sure I agree ok gentle parenting fully though. I’m not going to ask my toddler to make better choices when he’s trying to stick his fingers in a plug socket.

Not criticising you personally but I don't think you can judge until they're adults. If they are 45, happy in life and career, and still wanting see you, you've done it right.

I don't think you know what abuse is.

This generation of young adults are the most likely to go NC on their parents. The ones who were brought up with gentle parenting.

I think a lot of the "parenting experts" on social media have kids that are under the age of 5. I would be very interested to see what their kids are like as teens or as adults.

I doubt you are receptive towards this, but they go NC because they know their worth more than any other generation before. They know to leave behind what has caused them great pain and cannot be fixed instead of continuing a relationship and never being able to be truly themselves. In other words: they leave behind emotionally immature parents.

To be fair that depends entirely on the child. If you have one that plays quietly in their room that's great. One of mine used to wake up screaming hysterically. The options were either get up with him or lock his door and listen to him scream and try to get out for an hour. We don't have locks on the bedroom doors anyway so there was no way to make him stay in there. I think it's easy to be smug about your superior parenting when you happen to haha child who's biddable and will respond to what you tell them.

On what do you base this assertion?
I disagree - I know loads of people in their 20s and 30s who go on holiday with parents, phone them daily and have really good, close relationships. This wasn't really the case with gen x - you stopped going on holiday with parents at 16 and the relationship is generally more distant.
Going NC is an extreme - I don't know anyone of any age like that although you hear it on MN a lot

Those saying adults do not yell at each other have never worked with the public in a minimum wage job.

Not allowing screens, though highly commendable, is definitely not normal! I literally don't know any children over age 2 who don't either watch some TV or have a tablet (usually both)

Yanbu
Stop engaging with parenting accounts and spend some time teaching the algorithm what kind of stuff you want to see. Mine is recipes, gardening, funny pets and kids, fan pages of programmes I like.. Recently I got hooked on those Reddit story reposts so had to teach the algorithm not to show them.

Sometimes parenting experts are simply famous people (or people who would like to be famous) with kids. It’s amazing how much attention and money they make out of that con.

There are ways to do gentle parenting but it needs to be combined with making sure you provide your kids with practical and emotional skills.
I'm not the perfect parents by any means but I have used some gentle parenting (never punish my dc, validate their feelings) with some authoritative parenting (have to help with chores, clean rooms, no rudeness tolerated) which has allowed a good balance where dc are well mannered, fair, with a good work ethic and good friends.
My eldest mentioned the other day that if I'd been more strict, maybe he would've done better at school like his friends who's parents go ballistic if they don't get an A. (He's doing fine at University so I'm not sure if it was one of those jokes of truth)
You can't win as parents

And it's considered harassment.

Or perhaps you don’t. If you think that shouting at people is acceptable.