To think we overthink parenting these days??

[Waffle19]

I’ve just had my daily scroll on Instagram and been bombarded by parenting posts such as ‘imagine you’re 5 years old and trying to get dressed’ and ‘5 ways you’re abusing your child’ which includes things like yelling.

Now admittedly it’s easy to avoid this by just not going on social media but that and so many posts I see on here just make me think maybe we’ve overthinking things these days?

Is my four year old really going to be traumatised because I rush him to get his shoes on every morning?

Is my one year old really going to learn how to act safer because I say ‘what’s your plan here’ instead of ‘be careful’ every time?

I used to lap all of this and the whole gentle parenting thing up but I think I’m slowly realising what a ridiculous amount of pressure I’ve been putting on myself.

My kids are loved, fed, clothed, read to, seemingly happy, and I try not to yell too much. Surely that’s enough? Is this me emerging from the PFB bubble??

YANBU - get off social media and stop overthinking

YABU - you need to learn all this stuff else your kid will have issues later down the line

It is pretty much part of the job. Sure people can get banned from the shop for example, but it is common place.

I totally agree.

I used to research parenting styles and choices quite obsessively after my first child. Any decision I made would only come after hours spent on the internet, I thought this was a good parenting move.

It took me a while to realise that it was making me miserable. It seems impossible to make an informed decision when all the research and advice seems to contradict each other. Then there are some quite extreme methods and views out there which made me feel so guilty about being a normal, imperfect parent, which I imagine most of us are.

I try not to get bogged down in the research these days. I know my values and the values I'd like my children to have. I know firm boundaries help children to feel safe. I know that communication and unconditional love is key. Most of the time we do well. Sometimes things get a bit chaotic, sometimes there is a bit too much screen time, sometimes I'm a bit too shouty - but we always come back to our main family values.

I think learning to trust yourself is an important part of the process. Sometimes the overwhelming amount of information out there can mean you lose autonomy without realising. I also think we sometimes stop seeing the child who is in front of us when we rely too heavily on the internet for parenting inspiration.

Although I often see things on here which make it clear the commenter has lived a pretty narrow life e.g. OMG the school are controlling when kids go to the toilet, no adult gets treated like this. When it is commonplace in minimum wage jobs to have to ask to go to the toilet and have restrictions.

And would you try and build a friendship with someone like that for example? If not, why and how are children supposed to continue put up with that from their main caregiver, whilst being totally helpless?

I am not arguing for it. But don't try and argue against it by saying adults do not yell at adults like someone has. Argue it from a perspective of what you think is right or effective.

I’m with you, OP. And laughing at “what’s your plan here?” When the child is teetering off the edge of a cliff, running towards stinging nettles, whacking their baby brother etc.

Is that Aristotle? I always thought it was the Jesuits.

I did cloth nappies and some "baby wearing" 10+ years ago and found a lot of the "attachment style" crunchy parenting in the fb groups ridiculously idealistic, guilt inducing and not very grounded in reality. Fortunately instagram was not a thing then (and I hadn't made it to a smart phone). I also worked with young people which gave me a lot of confidence in what were reasonable expectations of children and how to manage behaviour.

I needed to hear that today. Someone in a local mums group chat just suggested making a photo book of yourself and your baby nursing to gently wean them off breastfeeding and everyone was suggesting different books like “bye bye nursie” or something like that. I was beginning to feel like a terrible mother because we just stopped.

Yes it was the Jesuits

I would argue that the comparison between parent/child and coworker relationship is closer than the one you made. That's because there actually is a relationship with someone you know and you will actually have to deal with the consequences of yelling. Nobody yells at a coworker to get them to do something, and if they do they will end up in HR.

fully agree. Spoilt, dramatic and entitled. Bet they will come crawling back when their parents are dead and want the inheritance.
NC used to be for the most heinous of 'offences'. Now people are going NC over silly differences of opinion (usually when a partner is involved)

Mine are mid 30s. I was in no way a "perfect parent". I made a lot of mistakes. But yes my DC are happy in life, work etc and we have a brilliant relationship.

I think there's so much emphasis put on the first few years of life. But in my experience it's the teen/young adult years that can make or break a parents relationship with their DC.

I'm not talking about abuse obviously, that's completely different. But most parents are doing "good enough" and its sad that so many think they need to reach some level of "perfection" when really perfection doesn't exist in parenting. Because the children are individual human beings too. The two most important factors are do they feel loved and safe. Anything else a parent does is open to interpretation, depending on how the child sees it.

Being too anxious and worried as a parent creates the possibility of passing on those feelings to kids too. You don’t want them to feel the need to be perfect all the time so doing your best and seeking help during the difficult patches is fine.
It’s good for kids to see parents make mistakes, bounce back and rectify or deal with it. (I don’t mean abuse btw I mean the day to day silly stuff ) So if the child won’t put shoes on, parent will start getting ready earlier so they aren’t as stressed tomorrow. My kids had a radar for slowing down more when I was in a rush so si had to learn to do stuff like account for twice as long to walk to school on rainy days etc
We are talking about living and raising humans so a bit of “winging it” is natural and healthy. Not all expert opinion will work with your child and you will find out what works best because you know your child best.
When my kids were young, I felt bad for never feeling parental instincts that books claimed that I would have. I wasn’t raised with extended families or had experience with young children so I was 100% winging it and hoping that things would be ok and luckily they are. Kids are young adults who are happy, thriving and love me despite bumps like the teen years in between.

I had five kids and was a single parent once the youngest reached two. I had zero time for sitting and persuading and I have to admit that I shouted a LOT. With five kids aged between two and a half and ten I had to run a tight ship just to get them out of the house and the oldest two to school, so I just couldn't have long discussions about how we needed to do things and to cajole and persuade. I needed them to do it and I needed them to do it NOW. I was also stressed to hell, had no money and the whole of life was a struggle.

My kids are all adults now. All happy, well balanced, employed in very good jobs (even my eldest DD who is ASD). They do not seem to have suffered and they have not ever said one word against my parenting. They understand that I did what I had to in order for life to run in any fashion approaching normality.

So kiddo is whacking another kid, or running into the road. Shouting is unkind is it.

I was hit as a child. I don't even consider that abuse. My parents were doing their best with what they knew. (Not that I do it btw) Hell, I got straight A's! 😆

Good question. I think it was Abigail Shrier's book that highlighted it to me.
https://amzn.eu/d/3hqKq4g

When I come across those kinds of parenting advice content, I quietly select "Not Interested." It's so weird to present parenting as if there's only one right way to do it and to preach to others. It comes across as slightly narcissistic and self-righteous.

At 22 months I put plasters on my boobs and told boob obsessed ds they'd broken 🤣

It was fine. He's 5 now and still obsessed with me, just (thankfully) lo longer my boobs!

For what my tuppence is worth....

Can I suggest parents 'parent' and stop trying to be their childs 'friend'. My parents told me and my brothers and sisters regularly what was what and set firm boundaries and none of us consider ourselves as abused or traumatised by such an upbringing. Just well brought up.

Oh, and get off the phone... This scrolling endlessly through seas of crap on t'internet instead of engaging with your child would bloody well help everyone else they have contact with.

My parents didn't have a village to raise their family just themselves. I might add that the six children they had between them have all turned out very well educated, socially acceptable, hardworking and respectful.

Okay, off for my nana nap now.... 😁

We shouldn't make sweeping generalisations about an entire generation. Speaking for myself, I don't overthink parenting. I don't follow parenting advice on social media accounts, but I do read a lot on child psychology as that's part of my work.

Again, I can only speak for myself and my friends, but I think we're doing a much better job than our parents who were often screaming and/or hitting us.

Totally agree. I work in a university and it’s shocking how little resilience there is in young people. Can’t deal with any difficulty without falling apart. Don’t get me started on the parents who want to be Cc’d in to every email their kid gets sent to make sure they are studying properly. Some pre ts even come and sleep on their kids floor in student housing. They will be in the work place in a couple of years. Are you going to accompany your child to work on their first day? This helicopter parenting is SO damaging

There is so much talk about the snowflake generation but I'm not convinced it's a simple as that. Just because some young people are more open to talking about MH issues doesn't mean previous generations weren't suffering from MH issues.

I think there is more pressure with exams, housing, finances and early careers these days.

Also, it's not like the helicopter parents weren't around when I was younger. They presented themselves very differently but I plenty of people who got jobs through Mummy and Daddy's contact. Times have changed.

Yes
Plus , Parenting has become over complicated IMO

My sis insists on an adult sit in the back seat with her kids - obviously she has to sometimes

She has an app that tells her which breast to feed from !

The advice is overwhelming too and forever changing - my dad told me in his youth that bottles of baby milk was warmed on radiators .
Not saying this is ideal at all but !!!!!!

I totally agree with your jigsaw example and when ordering at a table with a dedicated server as it gives a child confidence in their own abilities, but there is a fine line between doing this and letting a child believe they're as important to everyone else in the world as they are to their parents. I can't believe that your little Esme child isn't engaged in a conversation with you while they order for themselves in this busy queue (and to speak up over the hissing coffee machine) - and mentioning the mental acuity of older people is a little unkind. I've brought up children and grandchildren and treating others, particularly adults, with respect was always high on the list. I think we need to agree to disagree.

The problem is when the discussion around something is so nuanced. Take school uniform.

Why do they have to wear school uniform? Because it's a school rule. Except they have exposure to papers like the Week Junior where there are debates and articles about whether there should be school uniform.

So if I say "because it's a school rule at the school you go to" I have 30 minutes of questioning about why it's a school rule, other schools don't have uniform, is it really cost effective and how DO supermarkets manufacture uniform so cheaply without forced child labour and what about individuality and it's not comparable to business attire because I have autonomy over my wardrobe.

And I think, feck me it's 8am SOMEONE GET ME A COFFEE AND PUT YOUR BLOODY UNIFORM ON

DC is 10.