To believe sis(12) over SD(11)?

[Bestofgoodluck]

SD is 11, have been with her dad for 5 years, mum is not involved. DP has to go away often for work and I work from home so look after SD while he’s away. This is mostly been fine, she has the option of staying with grandparents but chooses to stay with me.

I also have a 12 year old sister, our mum has quite a few problems and as I am older, she has stayed with me on and off since she was a baby.

They are completely different but have settled into a friendly but probably not friends relationship and there has never any major problems between them. I have been looking after both a them for about a week. They go to different schools and do different activities so don’t see each other that much but when we’ve been together everything has been fine and they both have seemed happy.

Sister went back to our mums today and SD came to me in tears and showed me some extremely nasty and embarrassing messages sent from my sister to her last night, I comforted her and said I would talk to my sister, she cried for me not to and said just not to make her see her anymore.
Sister said she had no idea what I was talking about and that there were no messages on her phone, was asking what they said and why she would do that, I’m 99% sure I believe her. I was already thinking the wording and content of the messages didn’t seem like things my sister would say and more likely that SD sent them to her self.

I feel completely torn between the two of them and can’t see how I can sort this between them or know who is telling the truth.

AIBU to choose my sister over my stepdaughter? And to say SD has to go to her grandparents if DP is away and my sister wants to stay with me?

You know them and I don’t, but I think DSD was originally telling the truth and is now lying.

I think there is a possibility she feels she has told you the truth, you didn’t believe her, and you made it clear you would leave (at least that’s what she heard). I wonder if (in her mind) she is now trying to get whatever acceptance she can get from you by agreeing with what you already told her you believe in the hope you don’t abandon her.

In her mind she is second best - she’s still saying your sister said not nice things to her and you still don’t believe her. In her mind the only version of the truth that you accept is what your sister says and in her mind she cannot trust you to keep her confidences when it comes to your sister (she asked you not to say anything and you did).

She wants you to believe her and she wants to be able to trust you (with her thoughts, fears, and heart) even if that means she has to lie to get you to believe her and accept her. She’s scared of losing you and (in her mind) she will now lose you if she tells the truth.

But like I said, I don’t know them.

How good at tech are both girls? Google ‘how to retrieve deleted messages on your phone’, modify search depending what phone your sister has. You then at least will see timings of messages etc.
good luck

SD has now admitted she sent the messages and lied.

I didn’t accuse SD of lying or suggest she sent them herself. Just that sis says she hadn’t sent anything, that it was weird and we would sort it out. I told her she could tell me if anything else could have happened and was asking if sis had said any of these things in person, she said she had but confessed she didn’t send the texts.

I think this is a reach. It already seemed unlikely the sister sent them from both girls' reactions and the contents of the messages themselves. With both phones unlocked and on the landing, it would be very easy for the step daughter to have sent the messages and is the sort of thing troubled young women can do.

Admitting to a lie that has become untenable and wasn't well thought through in the first place is much more likely than taking the blame for something so sneaky when you were actually the wronged party.

So your sister had said those things to SD?

She didn't send the texts but had said them, it's making a bit more sense as to why SD did it now.

True.
Also, we need an emoji that says "RTFT - or at least the updates".

You can't take the word of one over the other, you need to see your sisters phone, and when you know who is telling the truth you can then deal with it.
you can't automatically take your sister's part, if you have an ongoing relationship with your partner. It sounds as if your sister is jealous- although she has often stayed with you it is more normal that you look after your step daughter than your sister, and she clearly realises that- you are putting your head in the sand if you think your sister has no motive-she clearly does. You can't put up with bullying like that- it has to be dealt with.
You have stepped up to look after them both, but that means sorting this out is your responsibility.

Could either ones phone have been hacked? And by an adult?

Because her sister is an important person in her life and something is going on with their mother so that the sister cannot stay there always or "at convenient times". What about all of this is so difficult for you to understand? You sound like the step-daughter (who isn't really a step-daughter since they are not married).

"Sisters before misters." Every time

Yes it is his home and he needs to be in it every day parenting his child. Your dsd is going to change exponentially over the next few years and he doesn’t have long to get this under control otherwise she could completely go off the rails. These texts were a cry for help. I hope he heeds this.

As you don’t know for sure who has done it you’d be best staying out of it. Let them sort it out and keep an eye on the situation between them.

Was I asking your opinion?

Eight years? But you are only twenty six. Have you been dating him since your late teens? Good lord. How old is he!?

If she has admitted to saying the things in person, it is unfair to put the entire blame for the situation on your SD.

Sorry if I worded that wrong.

SD is 11, I have been with her dad nearly 5 years, 2/3 of those years I have looked after sd while he worked. I meant there was 8 years before that when he had to find alternative arrangements while he worked away.

I agree this shouldn’t be a blame game situation. However, it should act as a wake up call to OP and her boyfriend that the current arrangement where she moves into his house to care for his DD so frequently just isn’t working.

OP can’t expose herself and her vulnerable sister to further accusations and the sensible option is for the father to make alternative arrangements.

Ah, I understand now.

Obviously my sister saying any of these things is a problem and she will be talked to and made to apologise.

I do think lying and stealing sisters phone to send them to herself is also a problem and I am annoyed but she is obviously upset so don’t see think it’s helpful to blame her

I'm guessing what has happened is your sister said those things (which she has admitted to) and your SD has thought that you wouldn't believe her if she said that she said those things and it was just her word against your sisters, so to try and create some proof she sent them via your sisters phone.

I think in this situation I'd be going harder on your sister rather than SD. SD needs to understand that it is not okay to do what she did but she was right - you did believe that sister wouldn't say those things.

You seem pretty determined to paint OP in a negative light regardless of what's actually happened. You are wrong - deal with it.

It was fairly obvious the SD sent them herself to try and frame OPs Dsis and banish her from the house because she’s jealous.

It’s actually pretty serious what she’s done - stealing someone else’s phone, lying, manipulating. I don’t think this should be brushed under the carpet.

I feel sorry for the Dsis who also doesn’t have a great home life and is a preteen.
Some are so bias towards step children, they can literally do no wrong in some people’s minds it’s ridiculous.

No more childcare while Dads away for work, SD can go to Grandparents like before and OP can stay at her own home to be there for her sister, end of.

You might want to read the updates.

SD has admitted to sending them. Dsis has admitted to saying the things to SD. It was both of them.

But there was no evidence or confirmation of Dsis saying anything either, it’s all hearsay from SD as far as I understood? Unless i
missed a vital update.

I haven’t spoken to sis yet, I can absolutely imagine that she could have said some of the things or at least a mean thing to sd at some point.
sd has said the things were said at different times and that some things weren’t necessarily said by her.
one particular thing she focused on that sis said to her in the last week that I believe happened.