To believe sis(12) over SD(11)?

[Bestofgoodluck]

SD is 11, have been with her dad for 5 years, mum is not involved. DP has to go away often for work and I work from home so look after SD while he’s away. This is mostly been fine, she has the option of staying with grandparents but chooses to stay with me.

I also have a 12 year old sister, our mum has quite a few problems and as I am older, she has stayed with me on and off since she was a baby.

They are completely different but have settled into a friendly but probably not friends relationship and there has never any major problems between them. I have been looking after both a them for about a week. They go to different schools and do different activities so don’t see each other that much but when we’ve been together everything has been fine and they both have seemed happy.

Sister went back to our mums today and SD came to me in tears and showed me some extremely nasty and embarrassing messages sent from my sister to her last night, I comforted her and said I would talk to my sister, she cried for me not to and said just not to make her see her anymore.
Sister said she had no idea what I was talking about and that there were no messages on her phone, was asking what they said and why she would do that, I’m 99% sure I believe her. I was already thinking the wording and content of the messages didn’t seem like things my sister would say and more likely that SD sent them to her self.

I feel completely torn between the two of them and can’t see how I can sort this between them or know who is telling the truth.

AIBU to choose my sister over my stepdaughter? And to say SD has to go to her grandparents if DP is away and my sister wants to stay with me?

Are you OK?
Because she believes her sister she must secretly be her mother??

She literally said she would take her sister back to her house and stay with her there, how is she putting her sister before everyone and trying to kick the SD out?
As for wondering where her loyalty lies, what a ridiculous position to take in an argument between 12 year olds.
If her partner has an issue with her reasoning then he is more than welcome to look after his daughter himself.

DP does around two weeks away every 8 weeks, He’s done this since sd was small and since we’ve been together.
When he is home, he is home a lot more than most dads would be so it works.

So there were some deleted messages. Why would SD send them and delete them and not show OP those ones if she were trying to get sister into trouble?

I still think that it could still be either of them.

You're in a really tough situation and you've got two young girls who both have their own issues. I think I'd be saying to DP that you go back to yours when he's travelling and you can see your sister then and SD goes to grandparents.

So in those two weeks you are her major caregiver?

the problem is OP this is highlighting the fact it isn’t working - your SD attachment to you has meant she is jealous of your sister.

as you yourself said they are two very vulnerable little girls who need stability and you cannot give that to both of them you can’t.

and if you chose your sister (which you will and should) then your SD gets abandoned.

there is this idea that high schoolers need less parenting than toddlers - I have 2 it isn’t true they need the same but different and a pattern that was fine when she was smaller probably isn’t one that works now. The 80/20 ratio was good but now it isnt

I don’t think you are ever getting to the truth of this but the bottom line is you have your own home and in future if your sister wants to stay then that’s where you go and when your partner is away his daughter will have to go to her grandparents just in case your sister decides to stay . There really is no alternative until one of them either admits sending the messages or the SD decides to get over it .

I don’t want to leave or abandon my SD.

I also don’t favour my sister, in another situation I wouldn’t automatically take her side. I’m well aware that they both can and will do horrible and stupid things. Knowing both the girls, reading the messages and looking at both of their reactions in this situation it seems most likely SD is responsible.

Obviously I can’t be certain either way though and wasn’t suggesting SD was punished for this, just that my sister wasn’t either which means SD staying with grandparent if her dad is away and my sister wants to be with me.

Of course it's not the option she wants. She cooked up this little plan thinking she could get rid of your sister, and it hasn't worked.

The fact she's continuing to try and force the idea that your sister shouldn't stay anymore just screams guilt to me.

@Bestofgoodluck it seems from whst you have said there are two vulnerable girls who both need a mother figure (your SD doesn’t appear to have a mother in the picture and you don’t make your Mum sound a stable figure) and they both need you.

and neither think this is fair so some difficult decisions need to be made. Whatever happened and whoever sent what it is clear this isn’t working for either of them. The fact that can do horrible stupid things isn’t just their age it is the situation they find themselves in.
and whst this is showing is you cannot have them both with you while your DP is away

hence some difficult and hard choices need to be made. I know you say he is a present father 80% of the time but currently is that enough?
a hard conversation is needed and one I think without too much blame or punishment for two young vulnerable girls

I don't think you can effectively throw your SD out when her dad is away - whose house is it?

Have you checked that the number is correct and that no one at school has put your sisters name to another number on your SDs phone?

Also, if its text you can have a look at deleted messages provided they have not deleted their deleted messages.

It sound odd, but they are both very young and by the sounds of it very vulnerable. Could your sis be jealous that your DS stays with you all the time? You need to speak to DP before confronting either of the girls I think.

So you automatically side with your sister.
Phones on landing obviously isn't working why are they not downstairs?
Both are children yet your not treating them as such.
I think I'd be doing some family building bonds time rather than separation

OP has her own home, but in order to support her DP she has been staying at his with DSD when he works away.

Clearly this is no longer an option as DSIS needs a safe place to go at short notice. Hence the posts suggesting SDs father makes other arrangements and OP no longer moves into his when he’s not there.

Missed that bit, thanks @Madamecholetsbonnet

Me too.

Who wins if this plays out?
Your SD.
Be very firm and make it a non negotiable, you will be with your sister going forward as your step daughter needs to be completely separated from them.

If the phones were accessible to your SD then of course she could have text herself on your sisters phone nasty messenger and then delete them. Not difficult to do.

Your sister needs you and she should be where your loyalty lies.

SD goes to her grandparents.

Sorry if you have answered this @Bestofgoodluck , but surely your sister would look at her phone in the morning and be "Eh? Why is your number at the top of my list, I haven't sent you anything" to your SD and be confused as to why she had a load of "sent" messages deleted

Wouldnt she say to you how strange it was and show you?

But SD needs to know that faking nasty messages is not on however she's feeling. If she is allowed to think that it's fine because she's feeling a certain way then that opens her up to doing all sorts of nasty things.

OP I’ve asked this twice now but you’ve not answered. How old are you?

I don't see the relevance to that question?

I also don’t see the relevance of my age but I am 26. I understand that doesn’t quite make me old enough to either of their mothers but that’s not what I’m trying to be, I am still a perfectly capable adult.

Of course it’s not irrelevant, it’s his house and his partner has obviously agreed to look after dd while he’s away. It’s her SISTER not her child that is obviously causing an issue, regardless of whose fault it is. Op should work out if she wants a relationship with dp and his dd or if she wants to look after and put her ds first.

You nor op has absolutely any proof it was her! It could be either of them and op is jumping to conclusions because she is siding with ds.

If this isn't the option SD wants & she is the culprit then well that's just too bad isn't it?

Maybe if it doesn't happen that often that Op looks after her sister when her partner is away then things can carry on pretty much as they have been.

Op looks after her sister at her house, SD's dad makes whatever arrangements he made before Op was available.

Yes, I don't understand this either.

I also would be checking your sister's phone. An 11/12 year old child should be having their phones spot checked anyway to keep them safe. I know she isn't your daughter, but by the sounds of it her mother isn't likely to be checking either.

Either girl could be the jealous one if you go that route.

Dsd jealous is the sister coming into her home taking away step mums attention and time.

Sister could be jealous of dsd getting her sister as her step mum with her own useless mum.

The only way checking the phones will help is if day sister was texting a friend too at the same time or has since text a friend about what she did.

If either girl just grabbed the phone on a toilet trip and didn’t message anyone else it won’t prove who said what.

I think it kind of is relevant as her age now shows she has been trying to step in to a kind of parenting role with her sister since she was 14, and is likely in a relationship with someone much older. A child that hasn't ever had clear adult guidance may do questionable things. You step up to protect your sister because it is what you have always done, but there seems to be a blurred line between sibling and responsible adult. I know you want to sheild your Mum but this situation is highly likely to get much much harder in the next couple of years. Be prepared to take support as you will likely be out of your depth. Take care of yourself OP.