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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To believe sis(12) over SD(11)?

335 replies

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 19:08

SD is 11, have been with her dad for 5 years, mum is not involved. DP has to go away often for work and I work from home so look after SD while he’s away. This is mostly been fine, she has the option of staying with grandparents but chooses to stay with me.

I also have a 12 year old sister, our mum has quite a few problems and as I am older, she has stayed with me on and off since she was a baby.

They are completely different but have settled into a friendly but probably not friends relationship and there has never any major problems between them. I have been looking after both a them for about a week. They go to different schools and do different activities so don’t see each other that much but when we’ve been together everything has been fine and they both have seemed happy.

Sister went back to our mums today and SD came to me in tears and showed me some extremely nasty and embarrassing messages sent from my sister to her last night, I comforted her and said I would talk to my sister, she cried for me not to and said just not to make her see her anymore.
Sister said she had no idea what I was talking about and that there were no messages on her phone, was asking what they said and why she would do that, I’m 99% sure I believe her. I was already thinking the wording and content of the messages didn’t seem like things my sister would say and more likely that SD sent them to her self.

I feel completely torn between the two of them and can’t see how I can sort this between them or know who is telling the truth.

AIBU to choose my sister over my stepdaughter? And to say SD has to go to her grandparents if DP is away and my sister wants to stay with me?

OP posts:
Madamecholetsbonnet · 14/02/2025 14:24

Lyraloo · 14/02/2025 14:00

Of course it’s not irrelevant, it’s his house and his partner has obviously agreed to look after dd while he’s away. It’s her SISTER not her child that is obviously causing an issue, regardless of whose fault it is. Op should work out if she wants a relationship with dp and his dd or if she wants to look after and put her ds first.

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Surely OP can maintain a relationship with her DP and with his DD without continuing as unpaid live in help when he’s working away!

Lyraloo · 14/02/2025 14:36

Madamecholetsbonnet · 14/02/2025 14:24

Surely OP can maintain a relationship with her DP and with his DD without continuing as unpaid live in help when he’s working away!

Edited
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Wow of course she can but she’s clearly been happy to spend 90% of her time at his house!

LilacLilias · 14/02/2025 15:00

Madamecholetsbonnet · 14/02/2025 14:24

Surely OP can maintain a relationship with her DP and with his DD without continuing as unpaid live in help when he’s working away!

Edited
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It's not unusual for someone to have both sisters and stepchildren...

This is not a one off where OP is babysitting for a child, she is there with DP and SD 90% of the time.

It's not like she's an employee who is bringing random family members to the workplace, she's DP's partner, been together 5 years, it'd be pretty weird if she wasn't allowed to have her sister visit.

Edited - sorry I meant to reply to a different poster @Lyraloo who was saying it wasn't right to have Dsis there

Madamecholetsbonnet · 14/02/2025 15:01

Lyraloo · 14/02/2025 14:36

Wow of course she can but she’s clearly been happy to spend 90% of her time at his house!

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Yes she has been happy to do him this favour, but clearly this can’t continue.

It isn’t her responsibility to make childcare arrangements for her DSD, that’s her father’s role. She used to stay with grandparents before OP made the offer to support, so that’s one option the father has.

Dontbeme · 14/02/2025 15:02

Bestofgoodluck · 14/02/2025 10:35

DP does around two weeks away every 8 weeks, He’s done this since sd was small and since we’ve been together.
When he is home, he is home a lot more than most dads would be so it works.

Frankly he needs a new job, he is outsourcing parenting to his (I am guessing much younger) GF 25% of the time. I would no longer be providing childcare for him OP, return to your own home and redraw some boundaries in this relationship.

I think it is admirable that you are a safe space for your little sister but boundaries need to be placed here too. While you clearly love your sister is it helpful to her long term to be able to only turn to you? If you were not around what are her options, and by you being her safe spot is that actually preventing her accessing others services that could support both her and your mother? Is the relationship with your DM difficult or is it more complex reasons like mental health or addiction that your sister needs a break from? You don't have to answer but just something to think about in regards to your sister having other supports in place.

It seems you clearly love and support both girls but you have far too much on your plate from very young, so please take care of yourself in this too.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 14/02/2025 15:02

LilacLilias · 14/02/2025 15:00

It's not unusual for someone to have both sisters and stepchildren...

This is not a one off where OP is babysitting for a child, she is there with DP and SD 90% of the time.

It's not like she's an employee who is bringing random family members to the workplace, she's DP's partner, been together 5 years, it'd be pretty weird if she wasn't allowed to have her sister visit.

Edited - sorry I meant to reply to a different poster @Lyraloo who was saying it wasn't right to have Dsis there

Edited
Show quote history

I agree, except clearly it’s no longer working for the children concerned.

Lyraloo · 14/02/2025 15:06

Tiswa · 14/02/2025 10:48

So in those two weeks you are her major caregiver?

the problem is OP this is highlighting the fact it isn’t working - your SD attachment to you has meant she is jealous of your sister.

as you yourself said they are two very vulnerable little girls who need stability and you cannot give that to both of them you can’t.

and if you chose your sister (which you will and should) then your SD gets abandoned.

there is this idea that high schoolers need less parenting than toddlers - I have 2 it isn’t true they need the same but different and a pattern that was fine when she was smaller probably isn’t one that works now. The 80/20 ratio was good but now it isnt

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Why should she automatically prioritise her ds? She has a mother of her own!

Lyraloo · 14/02/2025 15:07

Bestofgoodluck · 14/02/2025 10:35

DP does around two weeks away every 8 weeks, He’s done this since sd was small and since we’ve been together.
When he is home, he is home a lot more than most dads would be so it works.

You said your ds doesn’t live with you, so why for the two weeks your dp is away, can’t you let her stay with her mother while you’re looking after sd?

Lyraloo · 14/02/2025 15:11

RebelStarChild · 14/02/2025 10:35

Are you OK?
Because she believes her sister she must secretly be her mother??

She literally said she would take her sister back to her house and stay with her there, how is she putting her sister before everyone and trying to kick the SD out?
As for wondering where her loyalty lies, what a ridiculous position to take in an argument between 12 year olds.
If her partner has an issue with her reasoning then he is more than welcome to look after his daughter himself.

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But she is prioritising her ds against her ds! It’s op that is behaving in a childish manner. She’s not even giving sd the benefit of the doubt, it’s just instantly that she is lying.
im sure her dp would rather his dd is treated fairly and goes to her grandparents, in which case he’ll maybe start to wonder if there is any future in the relationship !

PandaTime · 14/02/2025 15:11

He's a...clever man. Recruiting a vulnerable 21-year-old woman from a damaged home to be the unpaid nanny to his motherless 6-year-old.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 14/02/2025 15:12

@Lyraloo I think you need to read the OP again. The answers to your questions about why the sister is a vulnerable child who the OP has always needed to care for since she was born are provided there.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 14/02/2025 15:12

PandaTime · 14/02/2025 15:11

He's a...clever man. Recruiting a vulnerable 21-year-old woman from a damaged home to be the unpaid nanny to his motherless 6-year-old.

Exactly my thoughts…

Madamecholetsbonnet · 14/02/2025 15:14

Lyraloo · 14/02/2025 15:11

But she is prioritising her ds against her ds! It’s op that is behaving in a childish manner. She’s not even giving sd the benefit of the doubt, it’s just instantly that she is lying.
im sure her dp would rather his dd is treated fairly and goes to her grandparents, in which case he’ll maybe start to wonder if there is any future in the relationship !

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Well yes you are right there. OP will soon find out if she only has value if she continues as a Nanny with a Fanny.

PandaTime · 14/02/2025 15:22

Madamecholetsbonnet · 14/02/2025 15:12

Exactly my thoughts…

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I hate men like this. Playing on other people's kindness (and traumas). Can just imagine him "bonding" over how they became solely responsible for young children through no fault of their own. Fast forward 5 years, he's carrying on with his life because the OP has taken on the responsibility of another child. It's no wonder he's not taking his daughter's side here. He doesn't want to lose this setup. It works for him, that's all that matter.

Original poster
Bestofgoodluck · 14/02/2025 15:43

I’m going to ignore the replies regarding our set up and relationships as that is not an issue to me and a lot of the assumptions aren’t accurate.

But SD has said she sent the messages to herself because Sis and ‘everyone’ had said them anyone. So there is clearly a bigger issue that can hopefully be resolved when DP is home

OP posts:
Azandme · 14/02/2025 15:44

Perhaps five days was just too long.

RebelStarChild · 14/02/2025 15:45

Lyraloo · 14/02/2025 15:11

But she is prioritising her ds against her ds! It’s op that is behaving in a childish manner. She’s not even giving sd the benefit of the doubt, it’s just instantly that she is lying.
im sure her dp would rather his dd is treated fairly and goes to her grandparents, in which case he’ll maybe start to wonder if there is any future in the relationship !

Show quote history

Feeling that you don't believe someone's version of events based on what they have told you is not prioritising other people above that person.

The OP has clearly given her the 'benefit of the doubt'. She already said she cannot be sure and she feels uncomfortable accusing either of the girls. She has also provided a solution so that the SD doesn't have to be around the sister.

Honestly, who cares what her partner thinks right now, he isn't there. If he feels his child is being treated unfairly then he is free to do the job himself. Also, he would be completely mental for dumping the OP simply because she didn't instantly believe every word his 11 year old daughter said.

LilacLilias · 14/02/2025 15:50

Bestofgoodluck · 14/02/2025 15:43

I’m going to ignore the replies regarding our set up and relationships as that is not an issue to me and a lot of the assumptions aren’t accurate.

But SD has said she sent the messages to herself because Sis and ‘everyone’ had said them anyone. So there is clearly a bigger issue that can hopefully be resolved when DP is home

So she has said it was her?

I was wondering if the girls had a falling out earlier in the evening. Did you see a lot of them in the evening?

Yes it does sound like a cry for help from SD.

Original poster
Bestofgoodluck · 14/02/2025 15:56

Yes, she said she sent them from my sisters phone to show me because she’d said them

I don’t think there was a fall necessarily last as I was with them and didn’t see/hear anything, they were either downstairs or upstairs in separate rooms. SD also wasn’t sure when my sister had said these things, apparently some of them last night, some all the time and some ages ago but also that some were said by other people.

OP posts:
LilacLilias · 14/02/2025 15:57

Could be a cry for attention because bigger issues (bullying? Insecurity?) or again feeling threatened/jealous of relationship with DSis.

LilacLilias · 14/02/2025 15:58

Bestofgoodluck · 14/02/2025 15:56

Yes, she said she sent them from my sisters phone to show me because she’d said them

I don’t think there was a fall necessarily last as I was with them and didn’t see/hear anything, they were either downstairs or upstairs in separate rooms. SD also wasn’t sure when my sister had said these things, apparently some of them last night, some all the time and some ages ago but also that some were said by other people.

I guess due to her age she might not totally know exactly why she sent them. But obviously some deeper emotional things going on - whether it's really about your DSis or something else.

LilacLilias · 14/02/2025 16:00

Obviously it's crap it's meant your sister could have got in trouble but I feel a bit sorry for you SD that she said such nasty things about herself

IC2211 · 14/02/2025 16:03

Well it is good she's admitted it, but is she STILL saying that your sister did say these things, even though not in text form?

PrincessScarlett · 14/02/2025 16:06

PandaTime · 14/02/2025 15:11

He's a...clever man. Recruiting a vulnerable 21-year-old woman from a damaged home to be the unpaid nanny to his motherless 6-year-old.

My thoughts too.

Redpeach · 14/02/2025 16:06

Its a bit confusing