To believe sis(12) over SD(11)?

[Bestofgoodluck]

SD is 11, have been with her dad for 5 years, mum is not involved. DP has to go away often for work and I work from home so look after SD while he’s away. This is mostly been fine, she has the option of staying with grandparents but chooses to stay with me.

I also have a 12 year old sister, our mum has quite a few problems and as I am older, she has stayed with me on and off since she was a baby.

They are completely different but have settled into a friendly but probably not friends relationship and there has never any major problems between them. I have been looking after both a them for about a week. They go to different schools and do different activities so don’t see each other that much but when we’ve been together everything has been fine and they both have seemed happy.

Sister went back to our mums today and SD came to me in tears and showed me some extremely nasty and embarrassing messages sent from my sister to her last night, I comforted her and said I would talk to my sister, she cried for me not to and said just not to make her see her anymore.
Sister said she had no idea what I was talking about and that there were no messages on her phone, was asking what they said and why she would do that, I’m 99% sure I believe her. I was already thinking the wording and content of the messages didn’t seem like things my sister would say and more likely that SD sent them to her self.

I feel completely torn between the two of them and can’t see how I can sort this between them or know who is telling the truth.

AIBU to choose my sister over my stepdaughter? And to say SD has to go to her grandparents if DP is away and my sister wants to stay with me?

speaking bluntly. Your DP has manipulated you into acting as an unpaid nanny with benefits. Your SD has attempted to manipulate you into getting rid of your own sister. The apple didn't fall far from the tree. You should take your sister and get the hell out of there. You both deserve better.

I think some posters on here are assuming a lot... Based on the limited info OP has given her DP isn't making her look after SD, and has also been trying to help from a distance with this issue.

OP also sounds like she is very responsible and has been from a young age.

What a thoroughly nasty take on the situation - from someone who does not know any of the people personally!!

Ok, so SD says she sent the messages herself because your sister actually said those things to her. Sister isn't completely innocent then IF she did say disgusting things to SD. You've said yourself she can say some really mean things.

11 and 12 year old girls can be horrible. I've been there. You need to iron out any bitchiness between them. I think the best solution if you are staying with DP is that SD goes to grandparents when DP is away and your sister stays at you place with you when she needs time away from home.

Although I also think your DP needs to seriously think about spending so much time away when he is a single dad. SD is entering a really crucial stage of development and the transition to senior school can be hellish if they get mixed up with the wrong kind of friends, hormones raging and already coming from a broken home.

It sounds like SD has wound herself up into doing something silly, then backed off when the option was that she goes to grandparents, i.e. she doesn't win all your attention. I wonder if your sister gets a bit jealous too? Both girls could use some family time to work out how best to be kind to each other.

As the DSD is in your care and clearly troubled about something I'd focus on giving her a big hug, tell her that you care about her, and that you would prefer for her to always be honest with you but will still care about her even when she isn't. I would tell her you're sorry she has clearly got upset about a lot of things, and you'll help as much as you can to help her to feel safe and happy again. Ask that she tries to understand that life is not easy for sister either, so it may be best to work through issues together to see if they can be more supportive and kind to each other. The time to get into why it was wrong to lie about DS messages isn't now when she only has you and knows you have to choose DS and send her away to grandparents if the conversation goes badly, her situation is too vulnerable. Be led by her about whether she wants to talk more now about this or any more urgent issues at school, or wait for dad.

You are doing so much OP to prop up the poor parenting exhibited by everyone else around you. Your DS clearly needs you and your DSD must be very insecure over her caregivers (understandably) to have tried to oust your DS and keep your attention on her.

I think your DP needs to very seriously consider changing job so he can be around all the time. Your DSD desperately needs stability and this is his responsibility. This leaves you able to give your DS full attention when she needs it. Do you think she is likely to want to move in with you full time at any point?

Why do you belive you're entitled to this?
OP is clearly reading the thread so why did you not get the hint that she isn't answering after the first post let alone the second?

Given your update, it’s very clear that DSD father needs to do a hell of a lot more.

You need to protect your sister from the fallout and keep some distance whilst the situation is resolved. If you were my DD (she’s a year older than you) I would be very concerned about the situation you find yourself in. I would be encouraging you to stop staying at your boyfriends house when he isn’t there, it’s not fair on anyone.

Because she knows these girls
Their personalities.
What they're like.
Behaviour is often predictable.

@Bestofgoodluck at least you’ve got to the bottom of it , this child obviously requires some help so perhaps it would be best if she goes to her granny in future as really you have no idea if these things were said and if they were why did she not come to you at the time .

Your instincts were right, OP and your DSis should not be exposed to this potential and distressing manipulation in future. You must look after her at your place without DSD present. DP needs to take charge and speak to DSD about falsely accusing an innocent party and get her some help/ support. You should also consider that you may be vulnerable to SDS’s lies should she accuse you of something despicable while you are looking after DSD on your own.
DSD needs help but she also needs to understand that actions have consequences. I would put in place the arrangement to look after DSis only at your home without DSD present. That is your priority. DP makes arrangements for DSD when he is away and should not rely solely on you in the future. You should take a step back from DSD’s care and let her parent(s) manage her until you all feel confident the jealousy - or whatever has triggered this - has been worked through and dealt with. You don’t need to withdraw your love or friendship for DSD. Just don’t be solely responsible for her care until this is resolved.

Before seeing your update I would have bet it was SD sending them to herself. I've had sds of similar age and sounds exactly like something they would have done to my own children to try and get one over on them.
There is often a LOT of jealousy from step kids, especially girls I'm afraid who often try to get the other kid into trouble as a way to try and gain more attention and love as they often have an absent parent.

It's actually one of the main reasons I'm no longer in a relationship with their parent. The step kids just made so many false accusations (either admitted it or things that had to have been them as the other child actually wasn't present when they claim things to have happened)

Some people have great dynamics with step families/blended etc
However.. There are a lot of issues that people that have never had step kids just wouldn't understand. The dynamics are totally different to a traditional family and the lengths some step kids will go to to try and cause a rift is insane

I'd talk to dp about getting sd counselling.

I guess sd is very jealous when your sister comes to to stay. I would guess it highlights your sister will always be in your life but sd might not be.

I'd keep both girls apart.

Was there no replies from your sd to these messages or just a bombardment from your sister?
I do have some sympathy for you wanting it not to be true, I have a similar relationship with my youngest brother.
As previously mentioned, get both of them sat down together, go through both phones and then decide the outcome. I think your partner should be involved in this too.

You seem to believe your SD is lying and your sister is telling the truth but not explained why you are so convinced of this. It might seem an unlikely thing for your sis to do but surely it is an unlikely thing for the sd to do too.
I would sit them down together and ask them about it when together. Unless you can prove it one way or another I would not take sides no matter what you privately decide as it will ruin the relationship with the other.
I don't think it is right to send SD to GP - you are either helping to co parent her or not - and you all need to work through this some way.

To the poster who said to me 'how dare you' hope you give your head a good knock. It was clear as day it was the SD. Mn is very biased towards SC and against Step parents, I would pack her off to get GP until your dp gets back.

This your SD needs reassurance, security and love.

So many people haven’t bothered reading all of OPs posts!! The SD has admitted she sent the messages and lied.

I agree she needs more support - from her father.

OP has enough on her plate and needs to prioritise herself and her own family. Her partner should do the same.

I agree.

I also so wish that we lived in a world where tweens didn't have phones but that ship has sailed! Loads of issues with phone & my SD of a similar age.

Her father is failing her. If he's her only stable parent then he needs to stop pissing off for work all the time leaving other people to look after an already abandoned child. Time to look for a new job.

Isn't he just.
So calculating.
So deliberate.
So manipulative.

God love you OP, you are his skivvy aupair.

"No man as determined, as one to find free childcare for his children".

So true.

Just like "no man more in love, than a man that needs a home".

There is a reason these sayings get repeated again and again.

well one of them is clearly lying, and from the few responses i've seen, you are on the side of your sister over your step daughter!

if step daughter had sent the messages to herself from your sisters phone, then she would have left the messages on sisters phone, she would have no reason to delete them? sister of course would delete the messages!

if sister found said messages, all hell would have broken loose!

i'd be inclined to believe step daughter on this occasion!

there is clearly a bigger issue at play here! and until you get to the bottom of that, then you are stuck

You have really misjudged the situation.
There was a whole 8 years where he worked the same job and I wasn’t the childcare, she stayed with her grandparents of he could afford to pay for alternative childcare.
for over 2 of these years we were a couple, he sent away and I was never asked to look after her. I choose to increasingly offer to as I do my sister because I enjoy it. It’s never been expected and asked by me and it’s repeatedly suggested that I don’t have to.

This is also his home.

Are you sure your SD isn't just saying she sent them to herself to put a stop to you trying to find out the truth? Going by what you said about her reaction, why would she react in that way to something she knew she had sent herself? It would be pretty hard to unless she's a top actress. Your sister refusing to show you the messages is pretty telling, tbh. If she knew she hadn't sent them she would have let you look at her phone to prove her innocence straight away.

Edit: typo.

If that is the case. Great.
I am always focused on young women not being used by men looking for childcare.
It is unfortunately a regular on MN.
Happy to be corrected if that is not the case in this instance.
You mind yourself OP.