To believe sis(12) over SD(11)?

[Bestofgoodluck]

SD is 11, have been with her dad for 5 years, mum is not involved. DP has to go away often for work and I work from home so look after SD while he’s away. This is mostly been fine, she has the option of staying with grandparents but chooses to stay with me.

I also have a 12 year old sister, our mum has quite a few problems and as I am older, she has stayed with me on and off since she was a baby.

They are completely different but have settled into a friendly but probably not friends relationship and there has never any major problems between them. I have been looking after both a them for about a week. They go to different schools and do different activities so don’t see each other that much but when we’ve been together everything has been fine and they both have seemed happy.

Sister went back to our mums today and SD came to me in tears and showed me some extremely nasty and embarrassing messages sent from my sister to her last night, I comforted her and said I would talk to my sister, she cried for me not to and said just not to make her see her anymore.
Sister said she had no idea what I was talking about and that there were no messages on her phone, was asking what they said and why she would do that, I’m 99% sure I believe her. I was already thinking the wording and content of the messages didn’t seem like things my sister would say and more likely that SD sent them to her self.

I feel completely torn between the two of them and can’t see how I can sort this between them or know who is telling the truth.

AIBU to choose my sister over my stepdaughter? And to say SD has to go to her grandparents if DP is away and my sister wants to stay with me?

I think you don't want to believe your sister did this, but I think it's pretty clear she did. She was scared to cause chaos, she was scared for you to confront your sister. Can't you see it? Sister has just played you. SD clearly was very brave in telling you someone was bullying her and hurting her and all you have done is immediately not believe her. It's very unlikely she's done this herself and why would she want to get between you like that. Support SD through this otherwise you'll end up teaching her that her voice doesn't matter

Kids should definitely have password protection on their phones (that is known to their parents) as there is so much scope for kids taking their phones and sending messages, accessing pictures etc

haven’t read all the responses so sorry if this has already been said

if you SD sent the messages herself, why would she delete them, since doing so is making it look like your sister never sent them?

if it’s on whatsapp, when i delete something it shows on the chat as You deleted this message, this shows as many times as there were messages.

I think for everyone’s benefit this is what needs to happen going forward.

When DP travels he finds alternative care for his DD, that doesn’t involve you moving in. That way you are still available to support your vulnerable sister at your own home.

Sorry yes I missed this in one of the many updates. My advice stands, taking sides when you have no idea would ruin your relationship, as would asking your SD to leave her Dad's house so you can have sleepovers with your sister there. You'd need to change the dynamic and stay at your own house if you don't want to look after SD anymore.

Sorry it won't let me edit to add. This is the start of the teen years so you have years of this ahead. Obviously the DC are similar in age but the way you feel towards them is different. Do you want years of this and can you remain fair to both of them?

I would make it clear that if your DP isn't there then you won't be looking after SD and she will have to go home to her mother's, as you will be looking after your DS and you need to protect both of them from each other.

This all happened in DPs and SD’s home where I live 90% of the time but I do have my own place where my sister has always stayed before.

So this is the first time that they have been together?

I think as a pp has put, maybe best to leave SD to her dad & go to your home when he is away in case your sister needs you.

I haven’t accused my sister, I asked her if she’d sent anything to SD and said there was nasty messages on her phone. She didn’t act guilty.

I have told SD she needs to try and forget about it until dp is home when it can be sorted out. And that I can’t stop looking after my sister regardless but that next time hopefully when her dad is back I will look after her at mine instead, that is not the option she wants and says it isn’t fair.

Thanks to the posters who suggested looking at deleted messages as there were a couple of deleted messages sent in between the ones I was shown, I assume ones SD decided not to show me. I can’t check my sisters as she isn’t with me, texts definitely came from her phone, I just didn’t believe she sent them and they being in recently deleted wouldn’t prove she did.

I'm still not sure exactly why you are so sure that your sister is telling the truth and that your SD is lying.

It's impossible to say which girl is lying. I don't think you can automatically assume your sister is innocent just because she doesn't act guilty but then you shouldn't assume your SD is behind this because she's being hysterical.

Both girls sound damaged and what is clear is that they are not happy sharing the same space anymore. When your DP is back you will need to seriously reassess your relationship going forward as to me it is clear that you are going to have to care for your sister at your property and not keep having her to stay at DPs property where SD is distressed about the situation for whatever reason. Your DP will rightly have to prioritise his DD and you your sister.

• I don’t see why sis would send a ramble of mean messages in the middle of the night knowing I would find out and even possible I would see them in the morning while she was still here.

-If she wanted to do it then it would make sense for her to while she wasn’t here or even to say the things to SD in person -She would usually be defensive or angry, if she’s done something wrong I would expect her to put up a fuss and defend herself. She just seemed confused and not that bothered as she didn’t understand. -Again the content. I can absolutely imagine my sister saying mean things, she’s said mean things to me and had falling outs with friends and cousins but the messages weren’t the things she’d choose to say. They seem like things SD would say to her self, the threats about telling friends things who my sister doesn’t even know doesn’t make sense.

But if she wanted to make your SD seem deranged, insecure and a trouble maker she might send them from DPs house when staying there to frame SD 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP, not saying your sister has done this at all but just trying to highlight you are obviously going to want to believe your sister. You need to stop trying to blame either girl and find a way forward where your SD is happy and safe in her own home and your sister is happy and safe with you.

It sounds like it's your SD who is the culprit. Think about who has to gain here.
If your sister did it then coming over would be difficult for her - why would she?
If your SD did it then it makes it harder for your sister to come over, so she gains.
It's clear to me. The culprit needs to be dealt with once confirmed. Both girls have a troubled relationship with their mothers so don't need to feel more sorry for your SD.

I think it's worth considering if your Mum expects too much of you too. I appreciate you Mum has issues, but you've been looking after your sister on and off for 12 years now. Is it helping your Mum improve? What effect is it having on your sister? It is likely in this situation that your sister will struggle in the teen years. Clearly having your sister over is causing trouble in your family unit. If it is your sister, would she have the same issue with you having a baby for example if that is what you wanted to do? You may have to sacrifice an awful lot of your own life in order to cover for your Mum.

Have you thought that she has been saying mean things and that this is her way of trying to prove it

you have a real issue as clearly there are two mixed up little girls - is your SD there most of the time and how often is your DP away?

does she see her mum? It sounds as if he is away an awful lot which with a child that age doesn’t sound workable

I agree with this.

Also with the poster who pointed out that OP needs to prioritise her family and DP needs to prioritise his.

He is asking a lot from OP, asking her to move into his house to provide childcare for his DD when he’s away. I would take a step back from this, and see if he steps up as he should.

OP has her own home and can support her sister from there. No need for these girls to mix.

The issue with my mum/sister is separate and not something I can control, there are several issues. She doesn’t expect/ask me to look after my sister but it is just easier for me and my sister for her to be with me when needed and am happy with that arrangement.
I don’t want my own children so that won’t be an issue

Wow, this is a really tricky situation you're in. My thoughts have been going back and forth throughout the thread.
Ultimately, I think it's impossible to tell who is lying. I wouldn't be 99% sure that your DSis is telling the truth though.

Even implying that either one of them is lying will probably do some damage to the relationship. I think DP needs to step in and speak to DSD alone while you stay at your own place.

I doubt DSD realises that, even if you agreed to not have DSis in her home, that doesn't mean that things will carry on as normal, just without DSis present. It means that you will be spending less time there and more time in your own home with DSis.

I would agree with passwords/codes on phones, and both being confiscated at bedtimes.

DP needs to reevaluate his job and consider finding one which doesn't involve so much travel so he can he home for his daughter, and do some parenting instead of passing it off to you or her grandparents.

You still haven’t I don’t think answered how often your DP is away (it seems a lot) and how often your SD is there becuase I think the answer to those is part of the issue

both girls are looking to you as being a stable loving fixture in their lives and neither it seems know how to share.

you know in your heart that you want to prioritise your sister I think probably as you should. Which means a hard conversation with your DP who has frankly passed far too much parenting onto you - him being away and a Dad isn’t possible I don’t think and you facilitating it simply isn’t helping anymore

some hard conversations are needed I think about the future and where loyalties lie and what you are prepared to be responsible for with your DP because these two girls are fighting over your attention

I think you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship with your partner and his dd. It seems you want to put your ds ahead of everyone else and if I was him I’d be questioning why and where your loyalty lies! It seems you are determined to believe your sister with no proof either way. How old are you? Is your ds really your dd or are you quite young? Your dp is trusting you with his dd in his home and it comes across a bit like you’re abusing that trust, using his home to care for ds and push his dd out!

as I understand it, your SD: edited the evidence, asked you not to discuss it with your sister, and said she wants your sister gone. all entirely consistent with her wanting you sister gone and faking the messages to achieve this.
Your sister, rather than rushing to defend herself, appears confused about the messages and unaware of their contents. which is what one would expect if she didn't actually send them. There's also the issue of why she would get up in the middle of the night to leave a written trail of evidence incriminating herself when she could just have said what was on her mind when you weren't in the room. She's either a wonderful actor or she didn't send them.

What, why? OP hasn't pushed SD out. She has offered to look after her SD so she doesn't have to go to GP as she used to when younger. SD has chosen that option. OP also provides regular care to her DSis. She has previously looked after Dsis at her own place while DP was home. As she's staying at DPs with SD then Dsis has come to stay there. As OP is there 90% of the time it's essentially a second home. If she was there 100% presumably DSis would be there a lot.

Since when do 11 year olds dictate family visits anyway? She also hasn't raised any issue with DSis until now.

I think this a no good deeds go unpunished situation OP! Now people are saying you are abandoning your SD and pushing her out because you want to continue to provide the care you've always provided to your sister.

The issue is that DP is the parent and he is not there. None of this would necessarily come up is DP wasn't working away. It's not on OP to stop looking after her own sister because her DP works away! His daughter is his responsibility.

Wow, that is an awful assumption. And even if sd did it, which I doubt, she doesn’t ’need dealing with’. This is her home if ds is causing problems and they don’t get on, it’s her that needs to clear off out of this child’s space. She is not the op’s daughter, as far as we know, and she’s not the dp’s responsibility to have in his home. She has a mother of her own, sd doesn’t and her father works away and obviously thought he could trust op with his daughter. Clearly that’s not the case, she’s brought disruption into his home and is now prioritising ds over sd. Totally out of order. If sd did do this, it’s maybe a cry for help, she probably feels pushed out of her own home.

SD is also not OP's daughter. And whether or not DP needs to be hosting DSis is rather irrelevant seeing as he is not actually there parenting, meaning OP is left to look after two girls who aren't hers.