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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To believe sis(12) over SD(11)?

335 replies

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 19:08

SD is 11, have been with her dad for 5 years, mum is not involved. DP has to go away often for work and I work from home so look after SD while he’s away. This is mostly been fine, she has the option of staying with grandparents but chooses to stay with me.

I also have a 12 year old sister, our mum has quite a few problems and as I am older, she has stayed with me on and off since she was a baby.

They are completely different but have settled into a friendly but probably not friends relationship and there has never any major problems between them. I have been looking after both a them for about a week. They go to different schools and do different activities so don’t see each other that much but when we’ve been together everything has been fine and they both have seemed happy.

Sister went back to our mums today and SD came to me in tears and showed me some extremely nasty and embarrassing messages sent from my sister to her last night, I comforted her and said I would talk to my sister, she cried for me not to and said just not to make her see her anymore.
Sister said she had no idea what I was talking about and that there were no messages on her phone, was asking what they said and why she would do that, I’m 99% sure I believe her. I was already thinking the wording and content of the messages didn’t seem like things my sister would say and more likely that SD sent them to her self.

I feel completely torn between the two of them and can’t see how I can sort this between them or know who is telling the truth.

AIBU to choose my sister over my stepdaughter? And to say SD has to go to her grandparents if DP is away and my sister wants to stay with me?

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 13/02/2025 19:09

Why can't you look at your sisters phone to check? From the wording you've just accepted her version without actually checking.

Dramatic · 13/02/2025 19:12

Sent them to herself as in sent the messages from your sister's phone? It would be easy to check what time the messages were sent.

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 13/02/2025 19:13

Did she actually show you the messages, or was it screenshots?

Did they definitely come from your sisters phone?

Original poster
Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 19:16

I assumed if SD has sent from my sisters phone she would have deleted them from there after doing so, she was adamant I didn’t talk to her about it. Or even if my sister had sent them she would have deleted them herself by now anyway so there’s not point in checking

OP posts:
Funykeudfh · 13/02/2025 19:16

You need to check both phones in front of both girls.

KrisAkabusi · 13/02/2025 19:18

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 19:16

I assumed if SD has sent from my sisters phone she would have deleted them from there after doing so, she was adamant I didn’t talk to her about it. Or even if my sister had sent them she would have deleted them herself by now anyway so there’s not point in checking

FFS! If you're not even going to check, you're telling your sd that you think she's a liar. She might be, but I can't believe you're not even going to see if she's not. This is terrible parenting! What if she's not lying. You've now shown her that she can't go to you if there's a problem with your sister

DaringLion · 13/02/2025 19:20

So have you seen the messages and were they from your sisters phone

Madamecholetsbonnet · 13/02/2025 19:20

Surely you can see if the messages are from your sister?

MugsyBalonz · 13/02/2025 19:21

You need to approach it as a parenting issue and not automatically take one side over the other. They're 11 and 12, they're going to do dickhead things sometimes and it's your job as the adult to help navigate them through it.

The two girls have each given you a different version of events, therefore one of them isn't being truthful. Sit then down, tell them that this is their last opportunity to be honest about what has gone on and that person will only be in trouble for the messages, if that person doesn't tell the truth then from here on out they will be in trouble for the messages and for lying about it. Then check both of their phones in front of them, get to the bottom of it and issue an appropriate consequence.

Dramatic · 13/02/2025 19:23

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 19:16

I assumed if SD has sent from my sisters phone she would have deleted them from there after doing so, she was adamant I didn’t talk to her about it. Or even if my sister had sent them she would have deleted them herself by now anyway so there’s not point in checking

Yes but you will be able to see what time they were sent by looking at SDs phone

Lookuptotheskies · 13/02/2025 19:24

Where they text messages, WhatsApp, Snapchat?! What service or app where they sent on?

And how would SD be able to send them to herself?

I don't think you should take either of their words for it without any questions and thorough investigating.

Original poster
Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 19:24

I will of course check my sisters phone when I can next see her but as she’s saying there are no messages on her phone, they have obviously been deleted by someone.

The messages we’re sent around when both should have been in bed and phones should have been on the landing, neither have passwords on there phones.

OP posts:
UbiquitousObjects · 13/02/2025 19:24

You say 'messages' as if that will be universally understood.

What are they? Texts? WhatsApp? Snapchat?

I'm struggling to understand why establishing from where they were sent is difficult.

JLou08 · 13/02/2025 19:25

You don't need to choose anyone. If you had 2 children of your own and this happened you wouldn't be sending any of them off to grandparents. Your SD has shown you evidence so I would question why you are so inclined to believe your sister. Language used around adults as teens is different to the language used with other teens so I wouldn't see that as evidence she is lying.

Dramatic · 13/02/2025 19:26

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 19:24

I will of course check my sisters phone when I can next see her but as she’s saying there are no messages on her phone, they have obviously been deleted by someone.

The messages we’re sent around when both should have been in bed and phones should have been on the landing, neither have passwords on there phones.

Were they sent when your sister was at your mum's or at yours?

claudiawinklemansfringetrimmer · 13/02/2025 19:26

UbiquitousObjects · 13/02/2025 19:24

You say 'messages' as if that will be universally understood.

What are they? Texts? WhatsApp? Snapchat?

I'm struggling to understand why establishing from where they were sent is difficult.

I think OP is saying she thinks SD stole sister’s phone, sent the messages to her own phone, then deleted the sent messages from sister’s phone.

Which is quite a big con, does SD have form for this sort of thing?

RadStag · 13/02/2025 19:26

Check your sisters phone.

MissUltraViolet · 13/02/2025 19:27

It’s a little bit irrelevant. Whether SD sent them to herself in an attempt to frame your sister or your sister actually sent them, they do not have a friendly or happy relationship and the current set up isn’t working.

Original poster
Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 19:27

Sorry if I didn’t make it clear.
They are text messages from my sisters number, shown to me on my SD’s phone.
Both girls were staying here last night, I was believing that SD had sent them to her self from my sisters phone while she was asleep.

OP posts:
MugsyBalonz · 13/02/2025 19:29

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 19:24

I will of course check my sisters phone when I can next see her but as she’s saying there are no messages on her phone, they have obviously been deleted by someone.

The messages we’re sent around when both should have been in bed and phones should have been on the landing, neither have passwords on there phones.

Id this was my DC, I'd be confiscating both phones while at your house as they're clearly not mature enough to have them, they can have them back when whichever of them is lying comes clean.

When the pho was are returned I'd also be instigating a rule that the phones don't go upstairs at bedtime.

Dramatic · 13/02/2025 19:30

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 19:27

Sorry if I didn’t make it clear.
They are text messages from my sisters number, shown to me on my SD’s phone.
Both girls were staying here last night, I was believing that SD had sent them to her self from my sisters phone while she was asleep.

To be fair to you it would seem a very weird thing for your sister to do, send your SD messages while she's sleeping in the same house as her. Has your SD got form for doing anything like this before?

PumpkinSpicedLatte · 13/02/2025 19:33

if your sister has done it, then the messages will be deleted off her phone to cover her tracks. If your SD has done it, she wouldn’t delete the messages as she would want the evidence to be there to back up her story, surely?

Dramatic · 13/02/2025 19:34

PumpkinSpicedLatte · 13/02/2025 19:33

if your sister has done it, then the messages will be deleted off her phone to cover her tracks. If your SD has done it, she wouldn’t delete the messages as she would want the evidence to be there to back up her story, surely?

But if she left them on there the sister would see them and probably have confronted the SD or told OP about it

Original poster
Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 19:35

To be honest it’s seems a strange thing for both of them to do to but as preteen girls they both have some form for lying and doing strange things. I’m not saying that’s I don’t think my sister could be mean, I just don’t think she would do it this way.
The content of the messages seemed to be things SD was upset and embarrassed about and not necessarily thing Sis would even care about.

OP posts:
Madamecholetsbonnet · 13/02/2025 19:36

I would talk to sister face to face.

You know both these girls and we don’t. What would DSD achieve by banishing DSIS? More attention?

You said the messages didn’t read like they are written by sister, do they sound like something DSD would say? What was the nature of them?

Both these girls have had a tough time from the sounds of it. You really do need to get to the bottom of it though. I wish you luck.