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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To believe sis(12) over SD(11)?

335 replies

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 19:08

SD is 11, have been with her dad for 5 years, mum is not involved. DP has to go away often for work and I work from home so look after SD while he’s away. This is mostly been fine, she has the option of staying with grandparents but chooses to stay with me.

I also have a 12 year old sister, our mum has quite a few problems and as I am older, she has stayed with me on and off since she was a baby.

They are completely different but have settled into a friendly but probably not friends relationship and there has never any major problems between them. I have been looking after both a them for about a week. They go to different schools and do different activities so don’t see each other that much but when we’ve been together everything has been fine and they both have seemed happy.

Sister went back to our mums today and SD came to me in tears and showed me some extremely nasty and embarrassing messages sent from my sister to her last night, I comforted her and said I would talk to my sister, she cried for me not to and said just not to make her see her anymore.
Sister said she had no idea what I was talking about and that there were no messages on her phone, was asking what they said and why she would do that, I’m 99% sure I believe her. I was already thinking the wording and content of the messages didn’t seem like things my sister would say and more likely that SD sent them to her self.

I feel completely torn between the two of them and can’t see how I can sort this between them or know who is telling the truth.

AIBU to choose my sister over my stepdaughter? And to say SD has to go to her grandparents if DP is away and my sister wants to stay with me?

OP posts:
PandaTime · 13/02/2025 22:28

The messages really don't matter. You need to focus on the bigger picture. No matter who is responsible for the messages, it is telling you that these two girls aren't happy together. You need to stop forcing them together.

JadeMember · 13/02/2025 22:28

I think you can add a ‘sticker’ message and write whatever you want on it and stick it on the message from someone. It won’t be on the posters phone. So it looks like someone send you the message but you written it yourself and stick it in their texts. I don’t know how it works but my DD (14)knows and there was a big drama at school because some girl said she was bullied by texts but she was writing messages and pretend it was from other girls. Everyone thought girls have done that and deleted messages until couple of girls had their phones confiscated by parents but the bullying messages still appeared on the other girl’s phone. The parents then worked out the other girls couldn’t send the texts because they didn’t have phones

WinterBones · 13/02/2025 22:28

as a parent with two kids who do bicker/argue and often blame each other for shit without any evidence either way over who is telling the truth, this is my advice.

Speak to them both separately, explain until someone tells the truth, that they will both be treated equally, IE, in trouble, but nothing serious.. and that the phones will be removed from them and kept on your person... because whoever sent the messages, the issue here is mi-use of the phones for bullying/picking on each other.

Then from there i'd deal with the immediate fall out.
No more having them both at your DP's home.
IF you need to care for sister, you do that at your home, and if that coincides with DSD needing care, she goes to the grandparents.

Myotherusernameiswaybetter · 13/02/2025 22:34

I would let sds dad talk to her and see if he can get more information. It’s sds house and she needs to feel safe there, but she is the one that will end up staying with her grandparents.

Original poster
Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 22:34

Obviously if SD was at grandparents then I would be happy to have my sister at my home not at DP’s.
SD also can’t stay at her home while dad is away unless I come and look after her.

OP posts:
Boysnme · 13/02/2025 22:36

UndermyShoeJoe · 13/02/2025 22:28

your not listening.

the child should not be kicked out of her home for your sister to stay. She shouldn’t be uncomfortable in her home.

If you want to watch your sister do it at your home. While she is at granny’s.

You don’t kick a child who’s already got only one involved parent out of their home to prioritise another persons child especially when you can take them to your own home.

Her home is her only safe space with her father after having an uninterested mum.

Your sister had her mum, even if not great and you. You and your sister are invading her space.

I presume the SD isn’t being kicked out of her house for the sister, rather OP will watch her sister at her house and if her DP is away there’s no other option for the SD to go to grandparents

Myotherusernameiswaybetter · 13/02/2025 22:36

@Bestofgoodluck Is your relationship with DP likely to be permanent?

UndermyShoeJoe · 13/02/2025 22:38

So don’t watch his daughter and don’t live there 90% of the time. Don’t take on the rile
of mum to her.

Let her and dad go back to normal. She’s at granny’s when dads away as well as one on one with her own dad. Be just a girlfriend who is there sometimes.

Take care of your sister when your mums incapable.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 13/02/2025 22:38

ExercicenformedeZ · 13/02/2025 22:27

Yes, but then the father should also stick to his own blood, and tell OP that her sister isn't welcome in his home.

Show quote history

Then the OP and sister go to her house and the SD goes to her grandparents.

LilacLilias · 13/02/2025 22:38

I think that posters are missing that OP is staying with SD, not invading her space! SD had the option to stay with GP but chose OP to stay with her instead.

Not really fair to say that OP can't then have her sister round if she needs to come. If she was at her own place her sister would come - but that isn't an option as OP has agreed to look after SD so is there.

It needs to be, I can stay while dad works away but bear in mind if I will have DSIS stay when she needs to.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 13/02/2025 22:39

If your DP is away and your sister has no safe space then of course you need to care for her. Either at your home or DPs. If your DP is away then his DD will have to go to her grandparents. She’s not being kicked out because OPs sister is there, but because her father is not.

ExercicenformedeZ · 13/02/2025 22:39

Snoopdoggydog123 · 13/02/2025 22:38

Then the OP and sister go to her house and the SD goes to her grandparents.

Show quote history

Why should the SD go to her grandparents? Why can't she stay at home with her dad?
ETA. Sorry, I missed that dad is away. That does make things more complicated, as SD is too young to stay on her own. I'm not sure that the dad is coming off well here, really. He shouldn't be outsourcing parenting on to OP.

AssassinsBlade · 13/02/2025 22:40

I might be on the wrong track but if SD is embarrassed about the content of the messages why would she show you? Is it possible she wants to talk to you (or anyone) about them and has made up this scenario just to bring about a conversation however haphazardly?

Chillibeds · 13/02/2025 22:40

You need to continue to see your sister in YOUR home.

Your partner makes arrangements for his child with his parents.

Your obligation and loyalty is to your sister.

Who gains from this?

SD does as it gets your sister out of her home.

LilacLilias · 13/02/2025 22:40

ExercicenformedeZ · 13/02/2025 22:39

Why should the SD go to her grandparents? Why can't she stay at home with her dad?
ETA. Sorry, I missed that dad is away. That does make things more complicated, as SD is too young to stay on her own. I'm not sure that the dad is coming off well here, really. He shouldn't be outsourcing parenting on to OP.

Edited
Show quote history

The whole point is her dad isn't there

Snoopdoggydog123 · 13/02/2025 22:41

ExercicenformedeZ · 13/02/2025 22:39

Why should the SD go to her grandparents? Why can't she stay at home with her dad?
ETA. Sorry, I missed that dad is away. That does make things more complicated, as SD is too young to stay on her own. I'm not sure that the dad is coming off well here, really. He shouldn't be outsourcing parenting on to OP.

Edited
Show quote history

Because her Dad isn't there! That's the whole point. The OP is the childcare.

AnotherDayinTime · 13/02/2025 22:42

ExercicenformedeZ · 13/02/2025 22:27

Yes, but then the father should also stick to his own blood, and tell OP that her sister isn't welcome in his home.

Show quote history

It does not matter. The advice on here is always to stick to your blood if you are not married with the guy yet.

UndermyShoeJoe · 13/02/2025 22:43

This relationship just isn’t going to work long term basically.

Op wants to prioritise her sister. Rightfully to her. But also wants to live in the chaps home 90% of the time in role of acting mother.

when dads away she looks after the daughter but will still prioritise her sister.

dad will come to his sense eventually or risk loosing his daughter to granny anyway.

Sounds like the main issue is two bad mothers and ops being pulled between the two girls left with poor/no mother.

Hobbio · 13/02/2025 22:45

Settings- notifications- advanced settings- notification history
Turn it on if it isn't already. You can see messages even if the other person deletes before you read it.

NormasArse · 13/02/2025 22:45

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 19:35

To be honest it’s seems a strange thing for both of them to do to but as preteen girls they both have some form for lying and doing strange things. I’m not saying that’s I don’t think my sister could be mean, I just don’t think she would do it this way.
The content of the messages seemed to be things SD was upset and embarrassed about and not necessarily thing Sis would even care about.

So sister wouldn’t care, but she might know that SD would?

I’m sorry, but SD sending them to herself sounds very far fetched, especially if it’s stuff she’d be embarrassed about.

Tiswa · 13/02/2025 22:46

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 22:34

Obviously if SD was at grandparents then I would be happy to have my sister at my home not at DP’s.
SD also can’t stay at her home while dad is away unless I come and look after her.

Then that is fine and I think whst you need to make clear to yiur SD when you talk to her about this.

that her home can remain a safe place without your sister but if the timings clash and your DP is away then you will look after your sister at your place

MissUltraViolet · 13/02/2025 22:51

JadeMember · 13/02/2025 22:28

I think you can add a ‘sticker’ message and write whatever you want on it and stick it on the message from someone. It won’t be on the posters phone. So it looks like someone send you the message but you written it yourself and stick it in their texts. I don’t know how it works but my DD (14)knows and there was a big drama at school because some girl said she was bullied by texts but she was writing messages and pretend it was from other girls. Everyone thought girls have done that and deleted messages until couple of girls had their phones confiscated by parents but the bullying messages still appeared on the other girl’s phone. The parents then worked out the other girls couldn’t send the texts because they didn’t have phones

Might be something to consider and look into OP. Check what apps are on the phones.

StormingNorman · 13/02/2025 22:52

DSD is obviously close to OP if she chooses to have OP stay rather than go to GPs when her dad is away.

Could this be as simple as the little girl trying to rebuild her family with a ‘replacement mum’ and is jealous of the natural bond between OP and her DSis? She possibly created a situation to protect her new family from a perceived threat?

If this is the case, it needs gentle reassuring behaviours rather than punishment for lying. Although, she does need to understand how damaging the consequences of her actions could have been.

Never2many · 13/02/2025 22:53

the whole lot sounds disfunctional.

DSD has a mother who is absent, OP’s sister has a mother who is incapable (where is her father in all of this?) DP spends time away, and it is OP who is essentially picking up the pieces of all these disfunctional relationships.

OP you’re clearly being put upon by everyone else and tbh they’re all taking the piss. If your mother is incapable then the girl should have a father who needs to get his arse in gear.

You don’t even live with your partner and yet he has you looking after his child?

Wake up and smell the coffee OP, the children are clearly unhappy, it’s probably not even that they’re unhappy in their relationship, but let’s face it, neither of them belongs anywhere, so it stands to reason that that is going to manifest itself in some kind of behaviour.

The relationship with your DP has no future, so I would end that for starters.

I’d be telling your mother to bloody look after her own child. And maybe if she’s not capable of doing that it’s time for SS to get involved.

LilacLilias · 13/02/2025 22:58

The situation about dsis does sound a bit worrying. She is still quite young to be living with a mum who is not capable of looking after her properly and deciding for herself when she needs to go to a safe space? If DM isn't capable surely she'll be not looking after her very well done of the time dsis is there?

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