To believe sis(12) over SD(11)?

[Bestofgoodluck]

SD is 11, have been with her dad for 5 years, mum is not involved. DP has to go away often for work and I work from home so look after SD while he’s away. This is mostly been fine, she has the option of staying with grandparents but chooses to stay with me.

I also have a 12 year old sister, our mum has quite a few problems and as I am older, she has stayed with me on and off since she was a baby.

They are completely different but have settled into a friendly but probably not friends relationship and there has never any major problems between them. I have been looking after both a them for about a week. They go to different schools and do different activities so don’t see each other that much but when we’ve been together everything has been fine and they both have seemed happy.

Sister went back to our mums today and SD came to me in tears and showed me some extremely nasty and embarrassing messages sent from my sister to her last night, I comforted her and said I would talk to my sister, she cried for me not to and said just not to make her see her anymore.
Sister said she had no idea what I was talking about and that there were no messages on her phone, was asking what they said and why she would do that, I’m 99% sure I believe her. I was already thinking the wording and content of the messages didn’t seem like things my sister would say and more likely that SD sent them to her self.

I feel completely torn between the two of them and can’t see how I can sort this between them or know who is telling the truth.

AIBU to choose my sister over my stepdaughter? And to say SD has to go to her grandparents if DP is away and my sister wants to stay with me?

If my DP told me my dd needed to leave her home so his sister could stay he'd be told that it was not, and would never, be happening.

You cannot make a child leave THEIR home to accommodate a guest.

Luckily my DP would never ask that.

DP, DD and I are a family, by choosing to move in to OUR home he chose to be part of our family, and we all treat each other accordingly. He's more than welcome to bring his family to stay - but not welcome to ask dd to leave to do so. Just as I wouldn't ask HIM to leave to accommodate a member of my family.

This is my sticking point. That's her home. It's not the sister's home. I have empathy for the sister, but not to the point of telling my child she can't stay in her own home.

I think you need to get both girls together, this is so common for girls of this age, nasty messages, trying to untangle who did what, did they really send it, was it themself etc. It sounds as though your sister needs an escape occasionally and trusts you. Does she have anywhere else to go? Because sd does, but it’s her home, not your sister’s. It’s a dilemma, but I’d get them together for a ‘reconciliation’ meeting, then if you can resolve this, YOU have phones/devices overnight.

It's a really tricky situation.

I feel sorry for the SD if this is her doing and something has compelled her to do that. Obviously her mum not being around will have affected her badly. Maybe she's jealous of your dsis - are you close to her?

But your little sister needs you and she's your blood relation. Try to get them to sit and chat together with you and get to the bottom of it. Obviously one of them is lying and it's not ok to just let that go - whichever of them has done it they have potentially caused a lot of trouble. I wouldn't just be letting it go I don't think.

It seems very weird that the SD would be able to get into your dsis's phone to send messages to herself (surely she has a passcode?) especially as teens are glued to their phones but equally weird that your dsis would do that whilst they're in the same house together.

It sounds like you don’t want to push it with your sister because she might not stay with you?

Is your sister upset at all?

I would be if I thought someone lied and took my phone.

When will her father be back?

Perhaps he needs to deal with it?

From a point of view of not blaming anyone but finding out what is upsetting his daughter.

Maybe he also needs to look into being around more.

If SD sees Op as a mother it might be hard to see Op mothering someone else.

Especially someone who already has a mother who she lives with.

The hysterical reaction would make me think it was DSD who sent the messages even more.

If she doesn’t want to stay with you whilst sister is there, that’s her choice.

I think the issue is that the SD is refusing to be in the house if they have the sister to stay, so there are three options, either the SD goes elsewhere when sister stays, or the sister doesn’t come to stay , or the SD has to put up with the sister coming.
OP I wonder what normal texts between them are like, I think you need to check both girls phones for the conversation leading up to this. Do they normally text ? If not how would your sister have SD’s number ? That would mean that SD definitely texted herself from sister’s phone, as obvs she would know her own number.

Does your sister not have a lock on her phone? Or Face ID?

It sounds like your first loyalty is to your sister, and I'd agree with that, especially since it sounds likely that SD is behind the messages. SD can't make demands about who is allowed in your home. I'd make that clear and tell her you want her to feel welcome here, but you can't and won't ban DSis from the house.

After that, it's a matter of keeping a sharp eye on the two of them, locking phones away, and trying to calm the atmosphere between the two of them, if at all possible. Maybe things will improve once SD realises that you won't be so easily manipulated.

Agreed.

I think the easiest way to work out who is lying is have a conversation with both of them together.

Can you pick them up after school or have them meet you somewhere like a cafe?
If the girls are face to face you'll be able to tell by the body language who is lying

Occums razor says your sister sent them... but the strange behaviour of both of them suggests its less straightforward
Btw if i had to guess I'd say SD has done something weird and faked messages but my point is you have to bottom it out so you can address it - this kind of behaviour can escalate easily if left unchecked. If it is her shes essentially framing your sister which is quite serious.

It's interesting that the simple answer : your sister sent them - is disregarded over a more complex and elaborate scenario that your SD got into your sisters phone somehow then sent a load of nasty texts and then deleted the evidence. What makes you so sure? That would make your SD highly manipulative wouldn't it?

You are of course going to put your sister first and your partner is obviously going to do the same with his daughter, you would both be 100% correct to do that. Question is, where do you go with that....

When is DP home? I think you need to speak with your sister, partner with DSD then you all need to come together calmly to discuss how and if you can all move forward.

SD is asking for your sister to be banned from your home, without actually speaking to her or attempting to sort out any actual issue between them? I agree based on this and your gut feeling it seems like she has tried to set them up. Either way you're not the police or the courts, you don't get to decide who to accuse and decide which one of them is lying. Like pp said, you just get to decide what's going to happen to protect both of them going forward

You missed a prime opportunity to use the old "I'll check the hidden security camera" trick my parents once got me with.

You have a problem - your SD doesn’t want your sister to stay and that doesn’t exist in a vacuum there is a reason and you need to fix it.

because it is her home - you cannot throw her out but it is yiur home as well and you too have some say

I'd think you need to sit down and work through what's happening rather than taking sides and not having one of them around, that sounds childish. Maybe when your partner is back, sit down together with both girls and try to resolve it.
Not understanding how the SD would have used the sister's phone though, doesn't everyone have a password to their phone nowadays?

Why isn't your sister bothered at all by some disgusting messages being sent from her phone and that SD is hysterical and upset? Surely she would be angry that someone has been using her phone to send disgusting messages at the very least?

I think you need to gently but firmly tell SD that sis will still be coming but that both phones will be properly taken away so there can't be any more issues with messages. You definitely do not need to add in that if she doesn't like it she can go to her GP's.

What did the messages say? Were they mean 'you are fat/ugly.....' or were they threatening 'if you do/don't do X I will do Y'.
Even if SD has sent the messages to herself, then there must be a reason, for example DSis has threatened her verbally but she doesn't think you will believe her with no proof.
As others have said, neither girl can ban the other from the house. It is SD's home, but it sounds like sister needs option to visit too.

The SD could have deleted them straight away from the sister’s phone so the sister wouldn’t see them.

Hi OP.

11/12 is a difficult age and I think this often seems to be channelled via phones these days! (Recent issues with my SD & her phone here...)

I think it's a good idea to take a bit of a step back. There's emotion behind this whatever it is. I think it's important to reinforce boundaries, but also see if you can work through the issue with both girls and find a resolution. After all, they're both with you a lot and about to be teenagers - I would be wary of starting any pattern of banishing one or the other. I don't think it would be good to give either of them the impression that they can make you send the other away. That will probably make them BOTH feel insecure.

I think it would be best to a) enforce phone rules and or reduce phone access and b) have a family talk. It would be good to get to the root of what happened and why. I think if you're able to get through that and come to a resolution, it might help them resolve issues better later on.

😁

Or say you're taking both phones to a forensic computer guy who can retrieve deleted messages.

I think SD sent the messages to herself, I think this is the very obvious scenario. Preteen girls are catty and hyper emotional, you may not get to the bottom of this issue, I think SD is just trying her luck at pushing your sister out of the picture. Doesn't have to be a valid reason, young girls can just be difficult like that (though there probably is some underlying minor reason at play)

Check tge name and then the nu.ber that sent the messages.