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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To believe sis(12) over SD(11)?

335 replies

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 19:08

SD is 11, have been with her dad for 5 years, mum is not involved. DP has to go away often for work and I work from home so look after SD while he’s away. This is mostly been fine, she has the option of staying with grandparents but chooses to stay with me.

I also have a 12 year old sister, our mum has quite a few problems and as I am older, she has stayed with me on and off since she was a baby.

They are completely different but have settled into a friendly but probably not friends relationship and there has never any major problems between them. I have been looking after both a them for about a week. They go to different schools and do different activities so don’t see each other that much but when we’ve been together everything has been fine and they both have seemed happy.

Sister went back to our mums today and SD came to me in tears and showed me some extremely nasty and embarrassing messages sent from my sister to her last night, I comforted her and said I would talk to my sister, she cried for me not to and said just not to make her see her anymore.
Sister said she had no idea what I was talking about and that there were no messages on her phone, was asking what they said and why she would do that, I’m 99% sure I believe her. I was already thinking the wording and content of the messages didn’t seem like things my sister would say and more likely that SD sent them to her self.

I feel completely torn between the two of them and can’t see how I can sort this between them or know who is telling the truth.

AIBU to choose my sister over my stepdaughter? And to say SD has to go to her grandparents if DP is away and my sister wants to stay with me?

OP posts:
Nanny1983 · 13/02/2025 20:19

Tiswa · 13/02/2025 20:11

You have a problem to sort out regardless of who sent them

first of this is your SD home you cannot ship her off to her grandparents

second not getting that and the impact your sister has coming to visit on her in her house may well be part of the problem

the thing is your SD should be the priority it is her who is the child not the sibling. Talk to her and work out what it is that is bothering her - because it is clear something is regardless of who sent the messages

This .

Regardless of the messages there must be a problem bothering whoever has sent the messages . You need to get to the bottom of what’s going on and you need your DH on board with this .

Christmasandallthetrimmings · 13/02/2025 20:22

But if your sister did do it, then of course she's going to deny it. She's not going to proudly come out admitting to sneaky behaviour.

Whatever is going on, it's clear there needs to be some support put in, and sending one of them away isn't going to help either of them

nouveaunomduplume · 13/02/2025 20:22

Sending someone a bunch of vitriolic messages about stuff you don't particularly care about, when the'yve been right there, and you could just have said something to them: fairly unlikely, and no upside to doing it.
Faking being sent messages to get someone you don't like in trouble: all too likely. Sounds like your SD wants your sister out of the way.

Lyraloo · 13/02/2025 20:23

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 19:16

I assumed if SD has sent from my sisters phone she would have deleted them from there after doing so, she was adamant I didn’t talk to her about it. Or even if my sister had sent them she would have deleted them herself by now anyway so there’s not point in checking

It really sounds like you just want to believe your sister. If you do that and she’s lying, your sd is going to feel very let down and that she has no one to help when things go wrong and your sister will think she can get away with anything. You need to get to the bottom of it without taking sides with no proof either way!

MelainesLaugh · 13/02/2025 20:23

Did they definitely come from your sisters number? Did SD somehow send them to herself? If not then they had to have come from your sister, because surely if she found these random messages on her phone she knew nothing about she would have brought it up first

Ger1atricMillennial · 13/02/2025 20:24

We don't need to get into complex pyschology here.

Its your home, you set the rules about how people behave if they live in your home. Teenagers have a million problems on a daily basis. They also have little impluse control which is why consistency is important.

Keep an eye and if it escalates and there are some issues and then consider speaking to a professional (not randoms on mumsnet).

ForeverPombear · 13/02/2025 20:27

nouveaunomduplume · 13/02/2025 20:22

Sending someone a bunch of vitriolic messages about stuff you don't particularly care about, when the'yve been right there, and you could just have said something to them: fairly unlikely, and no upside to doing it.
Faking being sent messages to get someone you don't like in trouble: all too likely. Sounds like your SD wants your sister out of the way.

You've only got the person who was accused of sending them saying they don't particularly care about. When I was a teenager there were loads of things I said I didn't care about when I did and they were for multiple reasons.

The OP also said that her sister sounds unbothered, it's done over message there is no way of knowing. Anyone can sound unbothered over text.

It also didn't sound like SD didn't like her sister, more that they were different and had a cordial relationship.

Whatever has happened the SD is hysterical over it which either way has to be sorted.

Mintpepperz · 13/02/2025 20:29

A techy person may be able to view any deleted messages, it is possible for someone who is tech savvy

Bollindger · 13/02/2025 20:31

If it is a message, then you can call the phone from a nasty message and check if it calls your sisters phone, if it does then you need to think if it was sent, or the phone borrowed the messages sent and deleted.
If your sisters phone is locked unless it was while she slept you 100% know she sent it.

Plus your SD must have some reason to be so scared...

Bloodybrambles · 13/02/2025 20:33

I’d be curious to see if any other texts were sent that night off either phone. I’d also be curious to see if either one ever sneaks onto their phone at night when they’re kept on the landing.

Maybe set up family therapy? See what the crux of the jealousy between the girls.

UndermyShoeJoe · 13/02/2025 20:33

Mintpepperz · 13/02/2025 20:29

A techy person may be able to view any deleted messages, it is possible for someone who is tech savvy

Sister will still say she didn’t send them though.

Original poster
Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 20:36

’m very cautious about actually accusing either of them, If I’m wrong then the one whose been wrongly accused is going to be very hurt.

SD is saying she doesn’t want my sister to be allowed to stay. I can’t tell my sister that she can’t come and stay with me if she needs and honestly even if I did think she sent them I wouldn’t want to do that.
I only look after my sister when she chooses to come and if I accuse her and she didn’t do it then she is just not going to want to come anymore.
So don’t know what option I have apart from saying to SD that if she doesn’t want to be around my sister and my sister wants to stay while her dad is away then she will have to go to her grandparents which until a couple of years ago was her only option when her dad worked away.

OP posts:
EdithBond · 13/02/2025 20:38

If they’re really nasty messages, then empathy must be shown to your SD: nasty messages are unacceptable and inevitably make people upset. Encourage her to tell you if she gets any more.

However, I’d also be explaining to SD that your sister will be staying in your home in future. If she sent nasty messages, then it’s important you talk to her about it and make it clear it’s not acceptable. But it wouldn’t be a reason for her not to stay.

It doesn’t really matter who’s telling the truth. What matters is they’re both clear what will happen going forward.

That way, if your SD is doing it herself to stop your sister from staying, she’ll know it won’t work. On the other hand, if SD is being truthful and has begged you not to mention it because your sister is bullying her and lying to you, you’ve made it clear to your sister it mustn’t happen again.

UndermyShoeJoe · 13/02/2025 20:38

The only problem with that is even if SD is making it up and sent them herself.

If you send her away in favour of your sister, in her head your just like her mum who’s not involved. Someone else who doesn’t care about her. Probably why if she did send them that she sent them. To prove to her that you love her and won’t leave her or pick someone else above her.

Happyhippos123 · 13/02/2025 20:40

I don't agree with the PP who said your SD needs to be your priority.

I think your sister needs you as much, if not more than your SD, and that of course you have a loyalty to her. Your sister will always be in your life, while your SD is your boyfriend's daughter, so there are no guarantees there, you're not married and you haven't adopted her.

This isn't to say that you shouldn't try to sort it out, but if you can't get to the bottom of it, and your SD doesn't want your sister in your shared home, SD could go to her grandparents while your sister visits you. Otherwise your sister is the loser.

Dramatic · 13/02/2025 20:42

I don't agree with PPS who say it's not important who sent the messages, it's very important imo.

Myotherusernameiswaybetter · 13/02/2025 20:43

It does sound like it was probably SD.
I think you need to put passwords on both their phones. Don’t accuse either side. It sounds like SD is a bit insecure. Work on that, but make sure she understands she can’t stop your sister staying. If they can’t get along then have your sister less often and SD can stay with grandparents. If you stop your sister staying it sends the wrong message to SD.

justasking111 · 13/02/2025 20:45

Your mother needs you to care for your sister your SD will have to rub along or go to grandma's

Chillibeds · 13/02/2025 20:45

In this situation your sister comes first.
I would be inclined to believer her.
Your partner needs to make alternative arrangements for his child.
How convenient for him that he gets to travel so much with free childcare.
Are you his au pair?
Sounds like you might be.
Will be interesting to see how he reacts to not having free childcare on tap!

Getting to the bottom of those messages is very important.
SD goes to stay with Granny when dad isn't about.
Look out for your sister.

Silvertulips · 13/02/2025 20:49

I would tell SD that your sister is welcome here any time and that if it makes her uncomfortable then she needs to stay with grandparents.

I would also say that you aren’t going to take sides, you love both of them and they are both welcome to visit and stay over .

Do not make this your problem and get in the middle.

Stay neutral and let them decide if they want to visit or not.

UnhappyAndYouKnowIt · 13/02/2025 20:50

No matter who did it, I would say that unfortunately they probably both do need to be sat down together. I don't think they realise what's at stake.

One is related to you and the other is related to your partner. The only scenario in which they don't see each other anymore is the end of your relationship. Is that the aim?

Lyraloo · 13/02/2025 20:52

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 20:36

’m very cautious about actually accusing either of them, If I’m wrong then the one whose been wrongly accused is going to be very hurt.

SD is saying she doesn’t want my sister to be allowed to stay. I can’t tell my sister that she can’t come and stay with me if she needs and honestly even if I did think she sent them I wouldn’t want to do that.
I only look after my sister when she chooses to come and if I accuse her and she didn’t do it then she is just not going to want to come anymore.
So don’t know what option I have apart from saying to SD that if she doesn’t want to be around my sister and my sister wants to stay while her dad is away then she will have to go to her grandparents which until a couple of years ago was her only option when her dad worked away.

I think you need to be really careful about this, your partner could be seriously pissed off if you basically throw his child out when he’s not there and she is telling the truth. Surely you see him and her as your family now, it really comes across that your sister will always come first. What if you find out she has sent the messages? Are you still going to push the ‘victim’ out because you want your sister there?

diddl · 13/02/2025 20:55

Even if the SD isn't telling the truth, why should she leave her home so that Op's sister can stay?

CliantheLang · 13/02/2025 20:57

Surely you see him and her as your family now...

Bizarre because they're not her family, while her sister is.

WaitingForMojo · 13/02/2025 20:58

There are apps that will fake text messages or WhatsApp conversations. You’re sure this isn’t what your DSD has shown you? Have you taken a look at her phone apps and search history?