Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

I had thought about the MIL checking up on her too! Weekly visits and peeking in the window to see what she’s doing and who she’s with because she isn’t available to let me inside. It would get very grating, I can’t imagine any freebies being worth the constant arranging of what to do with them

I despair at all the people who think it’s okay to arrange for someone to drop something off when you are entertaining 🙄

The SIL should have asked her to come at a different time or skip the freebies this time rather than tell her to drop them in the porch. It’s so rude. It’s obvious that her MIL is going to wonder if her DIL doesn’t like her if she doesn’t even want to say hi when her family are there. Possibly her family might also think the MIL is rude not coming in to say hello or doesn’t want to meet them or their DD is embarrassed by them. Why would anyone do something knowing it could be interpreted in a way that might hurt someone’s feelings?

The MIL has done this before though. It is not the first time she has dropped off things when SIL has been unavailable. It’s only an issue now in the four years she has been doing it because MIL saw people in there and felt she needed to be included despite being told beforehand that SIL was unavailable.

Considering MIL and OP expected SIL to invite MIL in anyway despite her being busy, and MIL is hurt enough to go to her son about it shows that they have little thought and consideration to SIL’s space and privacy. She should be able to have family over in her own home without needing to inform them.

I can only assume these freebies are food that needs to be consumed that day
And that either brother really likes them so SIL puts up with the weekly drop off for him or MIL gets very hurt if you try and refuse and insists on bringing them round at X time (presumably on the way home from work) so refusing or offering a different day/time wouldn't work

And tbh I expected this thread to be about MIL spotting another man in the house and assuming SIL was cheating or something, trying to keep her out so she didn't see him. And that she just "couldn't help herself" when she knocked because she had been spying in and wanted to let her know she'd been "caught".

Its SIL's house too.

MIL drops things off instead of knocking the door when she knows SIL can't physically answer it (because she is in a meeting etc), if DIL is physically able to answer the door and take them in I really don't see why she would make MIL drop them in the porch then silently go away, just because she has got her family round, it seems quite cold IMO to someone she spends so much time with usually.

She must enjoy receiving the gifts/spending time with MIL, because she could easily lie and say she is in meetings most of the time if she didn't really want to be bothered to see her, MIL would never know if that was true or not and seems to respect it when DIL tells her she is, but OP says that has only happened a handful of times in 4 years.. the rest of the time they meet up almost every week and even go places together.

I don't think MIL should have expected an invite, so maybe that's where the problem lies, but DIL opening the door and taking the gifts off her with a thank you would have just been common courtesy IMO.

There is no indication that the DIL solicits or welcomes the "freebies." MIL dropping them off was established long before DIL was in the picture.

To me, free cakes or crisps or whatever she is bringing would not be worth the weekly hassle of dealing with MIL popping in. That DIL has tolerated it for so long is a credit but she's not required to revolve her work or social life around these intrusions. Let MIL bring the stuff when sonny boy is home.

This!

It would absolutely drive me insane to have to entertain my mother in law every week just to accept her freebies for her son, she could call around when he was there and come in. Leave me out of it. Hats off to the DIL for putting up with it so long thus far.

It’s also not even about the knocking! If she just knocked and said here are the items for son then we wouldn’t have heard about it, she only knocked because she wanted to be included and she got so angry when she wasn’t that the OP “had to stop her calling her son”!!

I think it's not that weird for MIL to knock, but it is weird to expect to be invited in when SIL already said she was busy so couldn't see her

So? If she doesn’t want the freebies (either permanently or just this one time) the DIL her should tell not to bring the freebies or come at a different time if she does want them or get her DP to collect them if the freebies are for him.

Not being able to spend time with her MIL because she is working is not her choice. Not being able to spend time with her MIL because she is entertaining her family is the DIL’s choice. It’s a perfectly valid choice but it’s pretty obvious that if you make that choice, don’t give a reason why, then flaunt it in her face by getting her to come round to drop off the freebies, the MIL is going to wonder if the DIL doesn’t like her or if she has done something wrong. Why do that?

My MIL was a boundary stomping nightmare but I wouldn’t have done that to her because it’s rude and hurtful. If someone is taking time to do a favour, have the courtesy to give them your time to thank them. The MIL might be lovely or, as everyone is assuming, a nightmare. Even more reason not to do it if she is because it’s obviously going to provoke drama…

Its also weird to keep knocking until the door is answered.

I would have said this was almost a non event if MIL wasn't so upset by it

It's not flaunting it in her face
MIL must have been peering in to know people were running in the halls etc

And we don't know if the freebies can wait till another day, whether brother is happy for them to wait, whether MIL is happy to wait, whether it even is a "favour" or more of a tolerated inconvenience

it just shows you how materialistic most of MN is focussing so much on the bloody freebies. I expect DIL doesn’t give a monkeys about them

Flaunt is not only weird but a ridiculous word to use.

How is spending time with your own family in your home flaunting?

All MIL had to do was drop these things off as she has before when SIL was unavailable or choose to do so at a time that the SIL was available to not only take them but also be available to give MIL her attention. SIL doesn’t need to share what her plans are for what she is doing in her own home nor is MIL entitled to know.

This is also not a favour to SIL. It is MIL choosing to drop these items off as she has done for years before SIL was in the picture. Bet she would have been upset if SIL had stopped this when she moved in and it would have soured relations from then on.

It’s OTT to be this upset over not being allowed in, knowing before you even got there that the person was unavailable.

I find it bananas how some posters have chosen to disregard all the information that OP gives; that SIL gets on well with DM and that DM stopped visiting when SIL moved in, until SIL encouraged her to start again, planning time for her. It reads like a good relationship.

Much easier though to think that the OP is lying and that MIL is forcing SIL to take "tat" they don't want whenever it's least convenient so that she can wilfully intrude or, better, catch SIL cheating.

It's unhinged. SIL was rude, not hugely, but should have just rescheduled the whole thing to make sure DM (who she likes) being offended by being treated like someone working for SIL not her MIL.

Stop crowbarring nonsense between the lines and read what it says in the original post.

As an aside, I would never declare myself "unavailable" either. It's "I can't make that day because x" even if that's "I pencilled that day in for a chill film day" or something.

OP wrote:

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.
On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

It hasn’t been an issue until now because MIL saw others there.

It is ridiculous to make SIL out to be rude when she was unavailable as she said. It is not her fault that MIL has a different definition in her mind to SIL.

Also, I have heard plenty of people say they are unavailable to do xyz or for a certain day and have said so myself without feeling the need to explain why and I have never expected one to give me a reason for why not because it’s none of my business.

As an aside, I would never declare myself "unavailable" either. It's "I can't make that day because x" even if that's "I pencilled that day in for a chill film day" or something.

I don't know anyone who does that.

It's a standard "I can't that day" and that's enough for everybody.

OP is clearly biased in favour of MIL though. So her comments will try to paint her in the better light. And 4 years is a long time. Being ok at the start doesn't mean being ok continuously but it becomes hard to stop things

I've often just said "can't make that/not available". I don't feel the need to share excess detail about my life with others

If you're choosing not to answer the door to greet/thank someone you've invited to bring items to your house, then you need a better excuse than you don't want to pause conversation. That's not enough justification for me.

How about the fact SIL didn't invite MIL to drop off the items, it's what she does every week?
Or that SIL had already said she wasn't available to greet her?
Or that some conversations shouldn't be interrupted. Which is why the first knock was ignored.

I don't understand the assumption people are making that the sister-in-law demanded that the mother drop those things off that day.

For all we know, mother texted sister-in-law and said "hey I've got some things for you, I can bring them on Tuesday," and sister-in-law said "oh I'm not going to be available Tuesday, can you do another day," and mother said no. 🤷‍♀️

My view here is the sister in law was pretty rude. I take it MIL is doing a favour dropping stuff off. To tell a family member to leave on the porch when you are home with your own family, is pretty weird to me. Manners and just general friendliness and kindness would be to invite them in to meet the family - even if it is a quick hello/cup of tea etc. To me it is kind of treating people like staff to ask them to leave stuff on the porch and leave.

Exactly. I HIGHLY doubt that DIL asked MIL to drop off the items.