Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

How are you available just because you are home?

That’s like saying I’m free because I’m not working. I’m not I have plans in my home even if those plans are sit and watch tv. They are plans.

If someone said to me oh I won’t be able to have you round Tuesday feel free to drop the items in the porch. I’d never assume because some people where in the house they where free or available. They are clearly entertaining guests of who I don’t know for any number of reasons.

It could be a friend or sister with her children escaping an abusive husband definitely not the time to introduce your mil. If could have been a business meeting of sorts where her client had fallen though child care and the sil was kind enough to allow the children to attend. Again not appropriate to introduce mil.
It could be planning a personal family event that could have been sad or happy. We don’t even know if it was sils family ops mother has just assumed it is.

Mil could have even just said oh no bother I’ll drop these when son is home later on as to not interfere in your day. She didn’t.

Instead she was let’s face it upset that someone that wasn’t her was in sils home being entertained or met with. So she knocked and knocked and knocked till sil’s whatever was interrupted to show her displeasure.

It's unclear how flexible the MIL is willing to be about the date she drops stuff off. Could the partner have said " not today please it's not convenient " I wouldn't want to have all these deliveries I couldn't put off if I was working from home. The brother and his partner aren't married. The MIL isn't actually an MIL. I do think the woman is entitled to choose when she has visitors. I am not sure exactly what the OP's mother was going to complain to her son about. Angling for an invite sounds manipulative. Maybe time to stop the deliveries as they sound a hassle if they can't be negotiated

Yes, this chimes with my experience in a working class area of Fife (and that of my husband who was brought up in Aberdeenshire).

And of course, it’s also a mumsnet thing.

no one on here seems to answer the door to anyone they are not expecting.

possibly a class thing…very bourgeoisie and overly formal to not let people visit if you have other visitors!

there was a thread on here about the someone’s DS’s Italian girlfriend being rude about British way of life- she may have a point! ( no way this would be acceptable in Italy either!)

People keep saying this as though SIL has insisted on being given stuff but that’s not actually mentioned anywhere. The arrangement pre dates SIL, and could just have easily been a case of her partner wanting the stuff from his mum but SIL not available in this instance to receive them for him.

And no one knows what was happening inside, it could have been anything! There are plenty of scenarios where it wouldn’t be appropriate to invite someone else in to the house at that moment, how short sighted can you be?

There is also another interpretation, it sounds like SIL was a bit surprised to see MIL at the door and was in the middle of something as she didn't answer for a few knocks.

Maybe she just distracted so when MIL knocked unexpectedly she just was like "oh hi, oh thank you, bye!". In the moment it may not have occurred to her that MIL was angling to come in.

Totally. What an overreaction. Unless your SIL is ASKING for these regular freebies your mum is rude for trying to push into SIL's free time knowing she was busy, and now kicking off over it despite the fact SIL has obviously always been good with her.

Weird argument to pick, and in SIL's shoes I'd be thinking keep your "gifts" then. This is your brother's mum, not HER mum. Is your brother spending regular 1:1 time with SIL's relatives?

^ this
I'm thinking about the time my family came round to mine with the kids when my dsis found out her ex was walking out on her to support her. The idea of my in laws (as lovely as they are) in the mix of that would have been awful.

My mum has horrible anxiety and mh issues and she was in a state for a while ahead of meeting my in laws. She'd not have coped with a surprise meeting.

Sorry op but your mum is out of order here for being intrusive for knocking when she'd been warned in advance.

Your sil sounds lovely and like she makes a lot of effort with your mum and while I understand, I think if I was your mum I'd be apologising for bothering them.

Clearly your SIL does not want your mother meeting her family.
After 4 years that is strange.
She had texted so she had been clear.
Talk your mum down from her upset.

But it is strange.

I don't think SIL was rude, because when you tell someone you're not available you don't expect them to show up anyway and expect to come in.

Knowing SIL was unavailable, if MIL wanted to see her she could have come a different day.

This is exactly my thoughts!

So many people saying SILs grasping for freebies. Maybe she doesn't even want them, did anyone ever ask!? Or did they just tell her "I'm bringing them round"?

Based on the MIL taking them to her son before he had a girlfriend I suspect they're food, so like cakes or sandwiches.

I'm almost certain that SIL really isn't arsed at all about free food, but has been so kind and polite for years, letting someone interrupt her work day, and then she says ONCE I'm not available, and your mother is sobbing and wants to call the woman's boyfriend? To say WHAT!?

All that will achieve is ruining their good relationship do far. She won't be coming in for chats anymore, she can leave her stuff in the porch every time.

That's different though as you hadn't already spoken with your uncle and told him you were busy that day

Rude of SIL. Are her family awful and she's embarrassed of them? Otherwise it comes off that she's embarrassed of her MIL. Who would put their mil through that even if they'd rung the bell against your orders? She should have said the day wasn't convenient at all, or said "yes do pop in and meet my family for a few minutes" or something. Weird she's never introduced tgen before.

Well, that was the poster that I quoted...but in my family there would still have been interaction with the uncle/MIL/relative even if only for a brief while.

Oh dear me. I know what SIL said, but she was absolutely available to come to the door to say thank you, and was rude not to. Declaring yourself unavailable is not the same as actually being unavailable. Why would you not say hello?

It sounds to me like you mother most definitely is over-stepping and intruding. I work from home a fair bit and my MIL coming round most weeks during working hours would drive me mad. To me it sounds like your SIL has been super accommodating but has now had enough of it. To be fair she's a better woman than me as l would have nipped it in the bud ages ago. Your mother was told your SIL wasn't available but she just carried on banging on the door. Rather tone deaf

It’s literally exactly what happened. SIL told MIL specifically she wasn’t free, MIL knocked away and then got upset SIL didn’t ditch her prearranged plans to include MIl

But what if SIL knows from previous experience that MIL wouldn't leave until the end of the gathering?

I don't see my family much. I'd be very upset if on the odd occasion they got together someone invited themselves in.

Sorry I must have replied to the wrong post!

I do think there can be a class or cultural difference around situations like this. One side of my family are working class and Irish, the other side middle class and English.

In my Irish family everyone regularly pops round and comes in for extended periods of time no matter who else might be there. If someone shows up you must feed them also even if they protest ☺️

My English family don't really do the pop in and wouldn't generally think that they would be going in if they dropped something off.

Apologies if this has been covered already but if MIL/none of you have met the majority of SILs family, how on earth do any of you know who exactly was in the house at the time?

My mil lives abroad but has a key to our house which whenever she's in the country she uses at her leisure. Welsh working class here.

I would absolutely never not say hello to my mil if she was outside my house and I was not in a meeting or something, and would also never arrange a situation where that was the plan if it could be avoided. I don't consider having other guests to be a good enough excuse to not meet basic manners.

The way to avoid being rude here was to say for her to drop them another day when SIL or DB had time to be polite. Or send DB to collect them instead.

Why? Why 'should' the SIL say she is welcome to nip in? And it then be up to her MIL to decide if she wishes to wants to disturb the visit or not? Why should the SIL be forced into having to introduce her family to her partner's family until she is ready to do it? Those kind of meetings should be on SIL terms not MIL.

I have been married over 20 years. My family and my in-laws have met on maybe 5 or so occasions in that time, the first one being the day before we got married. I keep my family firmly away from people I like.

There are so many assumptions on this thread that it is the MIL that is not liked despite the apparently close relationship she and the SIL have. It is equally as possible that she is not close with her own family and having them there was already awkward for her without an impromptu extra that she has already said is unavailable to entertain.

I disagree that your SIL should have to explain why. It’s none of your mum’s business.

It’s entitled to think your SIL needs or owes your mum an explanation on what was going on when she explicitly told your mum she wasn’t available.

You said it has never been an issue before dropping things off when SIL has been unavailable yet because this one instance in years where SIL was with her family, it’s an issue.

Your mum could have texted that she left the items, instead of knocking. She didn’t have to knock and I bet your mum would have been even more hurt if SIL would have not answered the door at all.

You say your SIL is lovely, yet you are actually putting her in a no-win situation where the only option was for your mum to go in regardless of your SIL’s availability.

I was with my ex for about 12 years and our parents only met a handful of times. Ex and me both had very good relationships with our respective in-laws and there was no animosity between the in-laws, it was just but we were from very different backgrounds so the two sets of parents had very little in common.