Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

Of course it is normal and fine to spend time with your family and not include anyone else if you don't want to, but anyone with any foresight would tell MIL that it was the case, rather than let her assume you were working or out (which has been the case every other time MIL has been asked to leave stuff in the porch for the previous 4 years.. so it's not unreasonable that MIL would assume it was the case this time too)

As it was she wasn't certain what was happening, as it had never happened before, and for all she knew DIL's family may have dropped in unannounced and in which case it wouldn't have been an issue for MIL to knock to say hi, she sees DIL enough to assume she was close enough to say hi to her family, she was wrong in that assumption obviously, but I can see why she would have assumed it wouldn't be a problem.

If DIL had told her she was entertaining guests, and could she leave the stuff then that would have told MIL everything she needed to know in advance and not created any confusion, if MIL agreed but still knocked after knowing DIL was busy with guests, she would have been rude, but being confused because she thought DIL was working, then it turned out she wasn't isn't deliberately rude, just a wrong assumption.

If I was told someone was busy when I was delivering something and when I got there I saw kids running up and down the hall and my knock wasn’t getting answered I would presume DIL was entertaining whether or not the visitors dropped in unannounced. I certainly wouldn’t keep knocking until I got an answer and expect to be brought in!

She was told SIL wasn't available. She isn't entitled to know any more details than that

SIL was still busy. The reason for that is irrelevant. Knocking on the door can come across as nosing in on what's going on

If I turned up and someone was obviously entertaining guests my last thought would be "oh I will just try and intrude on this". I'd have left it as planned. And if I'd planned to stay and it was an impromptu thing people were there then I'd probably just leave in the porch, as I'd done before, and drop a quick text saying "you looked busy and I didn't want to interrupt, it's in the porch. See you next week"

@sandyhappypeople "If DIL had told her she was entertaining guests, and could she leave the stuff then that would have told MIL everything she needed to know in advance and not created any confusion, if MIL agreed but still knocked after knowing DIL was busy with guests, she would have been rude, but being confused because she thought DIL was working, then it turned out she wasn't isn't deliberately rude, just a wrong assumption."
DIL didn't have to tell MIL she was entertaining guests - she told her she was unavailable and could she leave the stuff in the porch. Once MIL arrived to leave the stuff and saw DIL was entertaining guests, she then had "everything she needed to know" and should have left. Instead, she knocked - twice - so she was indeed rude. She knew, before knocking, that DIL was entertaining guests, but she knocked anyway.
I don't know what level of thick someone has to be, having been told in advance that their DIL is unavailable to receive them on a specific date/time, to arrive at that time, see they have guests, and instead of putting two and two together and just leaving, being "confused" by it instead! 🙄

You’ve said the children were running around - that implies they are young.
And that your mum drops off items for your brother & SIL, and leaves them on the porch.
it’s plausible that the items were not for children, or were dangerous for them, so your mum knocked, and there’s nothing disrespectful about that.
Prrhaps you could elaborate.

As your mother has a good relationship with your sister in law, maybe SILs family are grabby and would’ve asked your mum to get freebies for them too. There’s been tales of worse cheeky fuckery on here. Perhaps her uncharacteristic coldness was embarrassment.

HRTFT but MIL shouldn't have knocked. What is she taking that can't wait a day? She has no idea what was going on inside. Perhaps a relative needed to disxuss a personal matter and just happened to have their DC with them.
MIL seems to have a good relationship there. Watch it disappear if she creates an issue over this.

DiL didn’t mislead her - she told her she was busy. She was. MiL seems to have assumed that if “busy” means doing something that sounds fun and, perhaps with the sound of kids there, family oriented, then MiL is entitled to interrupt and see what’s happening.

I do think that’s really rude. Even with a familial relationship, it’s rude. The sort of rude that is generally, easily forgiven, but still entitled behaviour - to push into an engagement you know someone has arranged with other people.

And I doubt SiL has entertained MiL to get free gifts. MiL leaves these gifts for her son and has since long before SiL was on the scene.

Unless they had some sort of family discussion taking place that would have had to have stopped if you mum was there?

I don’t think your sil did anything wrong. It would have been wise to have told your mum not to bring stuff over. But maybe your sil doesn’t want to rock the boat with your mum.

As for your mum knocking once, instinctive perhaps. Twice, maybe less so. I can see why she’d be confused.

Neither woman has done anything wrong. It’s just a mismatch of how they see the world.

Problem with your mum calling your brother is that he may take the side of his partner, and this may then implode on your mum.

I would have let her in, but that’s me. I would be annoyed if I were the SiL, it’s immaterial, your SiL didn’t and has her reasons, your mum has no right to be upset and try to drag your brother into it, with what sounds like a view to trying to bring his partner into line.

This. And only in MN land is it ok to have e your family round and not even invited your MIL (who is dropping stuff off for you) in to say hello and meet them.

Your DM did nothing wrong. The SIL is being really odd about keeping her away from her own family.

Three times a month? What is she dropping off? I think she should transition to dropping stuff off when her actual son is there. That's a lot of time to expect a Dil to spend with you. She obviously is obliged to answer the door because the one time she tried to ignore her mil, she got upset enough for her daughter to post on Mumsnet.

Agree with the majority here that MIL should not have rung the bell in thise circumstances. Also wonder if MIL lives locally and SIL's family live further away? If so, SIL may have been hoping for quality time alone with her family who she sees less, which is also totally reasonable.

@Zonder And only in MN land is it ok to have e your family round and not even invited your MIL

No in the real world if is very much okay to spend time with your own family and not invite your boyfriend’s mother.

Nobody is saying she should invite the MIL. But not telling her to come in even for 5 minutes and introducing them to each other is very rude. And odd.

It looks like she thinks MIL isn't good enough.

In my culture, the sister-in-law would be considered rude. I cannot imagine leaving my mother-in-law on the doorstep and not inviting her to my meet my family. I really don’t get this attitude at all.

To me it seems unbelievably rude to let your mother-in-law leave gifts on the doorstep and not let her in to say hello to the family. Actually that would go for anyone leaving gifts. In fact, my mind boggles. I know I am in a minority though.

It doesn’t matter why your mum knocked, whether it was an impulse or otherwise. Your SIL had told her she was not available for tea/lunch/chat and asked her to leave the stuff outside. End of. Your mum was wrong to knock no matter what her reason. I fully get she may have done it without even thinking but that doesn’t make it okay. The fact that she was so angry about it she wanted to call your brother - and do what? ‘Tell’ on your SIL? Why the anger at all? Your SIL did nothing wrong. She was clear that she was not available and she doesn’t have to tell your mum why. Your mum seems to think it’s okay if she’s not available because of a work thing but that she’s fair game to be intruded upon in her personal time even if she’s said she’s not free. Your mum was unreasonable to be annoyed.

In real life your SIL was rude-why didn't she just tell your mum in advance she was busy and to come round the next day if she didn't want your mum to meet her family.

In Mumsnet world it is entirely normal behaviour and your mum "overstepped" by ringing the bell-how very dare she? She should have left the stuff in the porch and scuttled back to her burrow until required.

It’s not rude to knock on someone’s door and angle for an invite when you have been explicitly told the person was busy and not available?

She did say she was busy. It was a long establish routine that the mother would leave stuff on the door step if her son or the GF were busy. The GF wasn’t suggesting anything new!

Eh?????
She asked for opinions. I gave one.

To me, this is a situation where nobody has to be “wrong” it’s just a bit of a crao situation that’s come up.

Your mum knocked without thinking, sil didn’t let here in as she was busy entertaining. That’s it. No one has been unreasonable at that point.

The issue arises with your mums reaction to this. Feeling slighted, getting hurt…and whilst it’s understandable that this may have stung, she was told Sil wasn’t available. Sil hasn’t done anything wrong. It would be so completely unreasonable to make a big issue of this and approach SIL or your brother as if they have behaved poorly. Your mums feelings are hurt. She needs to sit with that, maybe look at why she’s feeling that way - and it’s okay to be upset sometimes. Our own hurt feelings don’t always correlate with someone else doing wrong to us. We are responsible for our own reactions and responses to things - and your mum needs to recognise that, and not make her feelings your SILs fault or responsibility.

SIL was staggeringly rude and a freeloading cheeky fucker to not invite her MIL in to meet her family when they are visiting.

MIL isn’t some random delivery driver, she’s family too!

The posters saying otherwise are the same saddos who post to always argue black is white just to cause conflict with an OP. Ignore them.

That's not what happened though, is it?

It pains the sil in a bad light whatever.