Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

Nope. Telling your MIL to be your courier and expecting her to leave silently is rude.

It's never, of course, rude to knock on a family member's door unless they have explicitly told you to stay away.

Being surprised someone is home when you didn't expect it and knocking because they are family and you expect to be treated like family, is not rude.

But expecting your MIL to be your courier and vanish silently when you have received you parcel, is, irrefutably rude.

SO the SIL was rude. That's settled. The only question is, why was she rude? Was there a reason?

She was NOT bloody available. She was present but not available. She was entertaining her family. She told MIL. This beforehand but MIL knocked until she got an answer. She WAS told to stay away.. in a nice way. No, I aM not available at that time. MIL knocked until SIL was forced to open the door. That is incredibly rude.

I think the SIL was definitely very rude! Treating MIL like an anonymous courier rather than a family member. She should have declined the freebies if she was not willing to say a quick hello, It comes across very grabby and displays a lack of character.

I think you are being really harsh, MIL had obviously built up the relationship over the years with her DIL, where she texts, drops by and they have a pleasant coffee/chat situation, that seems mutual.

The only times she's been asked to leave things in the porch is if DIL is on a teams call or if she is out. So MIL coming to the house would have expected a quiet house or for no one to be in.

Based on their prior relationship I really don't think it was overstepping of MIL to assume there had been a change to DIL plans or a misunderstanding, DIL should have really communicated to her that she was going to be spending the afternoon with her family and would rather catch up another time.. instead of asking her to leave the free gifts then go away, which is apparently what DIL wanted to happen.

If you've been having a familial relationship with someone for four years there would be absolutely zero reason to suspect you would be shunned instead of welcomed just because other members of the family were there, so I can't agree that MIL was being rude by knocking, she was made an incorrect assumption.

It sounds like MIL values this relationship, where as DIL is only entertaining it to get free gifts every time MIL visits, at least MIL knows where she stands now.

DIL was rude to mislead her, then turn her away, shockingly rude.. she could have just asked her not to come at all and told her why so there was no confusion.

It’s settled with yourself 😂

You don’t speak for me or my opinion.

Why are you swearing? Why all the drama?

No, she was available. And we know this because she spoke to her MIL. So, materially and observably, she was, in fact, available.

No, she was definitely not told to stay away she was told to be a silent courier and the expectation on SILs part was that she would vanish silently. That didn't happen.

So yep, SIl was rude. The only question is why she was so rude.

No, it's just settled. Like saying gravity exists or water is wet, it's just a fact :)

SIL showed bad manners to her MIL and expected her to be a silent courier who vanished upon delivering her parcel. That is, subjectively, discourteous, i.e. rude.

But you're of course entitled to pretend you disagree for the sake of continuing to argue the point :)

If she was available she would have said she was available like she has done many times before. MIL saw people in the house and decided to infringe on that instead of having manners, realising her daughter in law was entertaining guests and not banged on the door insisting to be answered and brought in.

Are you ok? Just because you say it’s a fact doesn’t make it a fact 😂

Because I'm highlighting the reason it's rude to knock and try and impose since you can't get it (and even said its not rude if you've been told to stay away, which she basically was)

She was NOT available. Being physically present does not make you available. I can answer the door and speak to someone but not be available because I then step out of the door and go to work. Or I'm in a towel about to get in the shower. Or just took food out of the oven. Or need to return to a call... physical presence =/= available

That's the fact. You trying to suggest otherwise doesn't change it

And being as SIL takes time 2 or 3 times a week to pause work and talk to her as well as take MIL out would suggest she is happy with her company just NOT when she chooses to invade a social setting she's not invited to

Sister in laws reply should have been - I’ll be here with my family who are visiting and you’re more than welcome to nip in.

It would have then given mum a chance to nip in and say hello or decide not to disturb the visit/or drop things off another day.

And yes, sister in law did say she’d be busy that day but she never said, I’ll be at home with my family when you’re dropping things off. There’s quite a leap between being busy WFH for example and what actually happened.

Op, your brother should be told about what happened and not just because I’m sure his partner has already told him.

Arguing with people who pretend to believe water is dry and up is down is amusing for a while, but then becomes tedious.

So, it's settled that the SIL was rude and that she was materially, observably and provably actually available. Those things can't be argued and we are all in agreement (especially the ones arguing so vehemently 😅 )

The only question left is why was she rude? Is MIL in the habit of riding roughshod over SILs arrangements? Does MIL not allow SIL to rearrange times to suit herself?

If so, that puts a new slant on it. SIL will still have been rude, of course, that can't change. But she may have been rude for a reason.

I have nothing more to add, and there are very dRaMaTiC people bizarrely doing a lot of swearing and shouting and getting super triggered about this incident, so I will leave it at that.

And to the OP - don't let your mum call her son to complain about this, it will make your SIL behave even more rudely.

And do try to find out if your MIL is being rude by imposing and not taking the hint.

Goodbye.

It is settled you are off now? Night!

She didn't expect her MIL to be a "silent courier" she asked her to do something she had done many times because when she was busy - just drop this mysterious "freebie" off as she was busy

Judging from MIL's reaction here its possible that trying to refuse the freebie has either being ignored or has been received with such affront (oh are the leftover sausages I get from work not good enough for you?) that SIL just accepts them to keep the peace tbh

I absolutely agree with this.

Arguing with people who pretend to believe water is dry and up is down is amusing for a while, but then becomes tedious.

And arguing with people who insist that being physically present means you are available is tedious

Especially when they think repeating "it's settled" some how makes it fact

Honestly one of the most stubbornly insistent on being wrong people I've met on MN

"It's settled" as if it makes them right

😂😂 I know. Actually never seen anyone that ridiculously insistent on MN before and that’s saying something!

I think MILs reaction is all hurt. She hasn't kicked off or complained to DIL or made a scene, she's just left but has obviously been incredibly hurt by the interaction, so has confided in her daughter.

My MIL would be hurt too if I normally welcomed her in for a coffee and chat (when I wasn't busy working), but I completely shunned her because I had my own family round, I would never do that to a neighbour let alone a MIL that I've been seeing most weeks for 4 years.

Unless there is a history as to why these families have never met each other, I think MIL is well within her rights to be a little hurt by the rejection, and the realisation that she doesn't have the relationship with DIL than she thought she did.

SIL also doesn't have to justify why she's not available
Its not MIL's business why
She is allowed to want to entertain her family without including MIL

Well I think that spending time with your own family is a perfectly normal

It's not a rejection. It's spending time with different people for once

What if it was your young mum friends? Would it be rude not to include her then even though she had nothing in common? Or you were holding book club? Or your family were currently staging an intervention for a family member?

This.

MIL was pushy and intrusive. And now is playing the martyr.

SIL has my sympathy.

Agree.

MIL needs to back way off.

What nonsense.

SIL is not accountable to MIL regarding who she entertains, how she spends her free time or anything else!

SIL is rude.

It's weird that she didn't ask her MIL in and make introductions. I can't believe people think this is normal. What weird and insular family set ups some of you must have.

And expecting her to leave the freebies in the porch like MIL is a delivery driver??

But this is MN so the MIL will automatically be wrong.