Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

The whole thing is kind of awkward. Big overreaction by the mother. At the same time, a misstep by the SIL to tell her MIL to drop something off at the house when she was entertaining other family members - I feel like it’s not that difficult to anticipate why the MIL might notice people are there and feel a little left out.

no wonder we have so many threads about over-bearing MIL and how hard and suffocating it is to deal with them.

I suppose it could be the sensible response IF the people inside the house were in fact SIL's family.

But as OP's mum has never met SIL's family, she's just guessing at who they were. (Unless there's a drip feed coming.)

Personally I would have asked her in but as she didn't I think she should have asked her to pop round on a different day, very rude in my opinion.

Where does OP say that she is a free loader and not contributing to the household? I must have missed this bit

I was being a bit cynical with my question about whether the items are perishable or not.

I was wondering why they "have" to be delivered 3 times a month when DB is not in.

I also don't think the fact that SIL said to your mum FOUR YEARS AGO to text her when she is going to drop the things off means she must be available infinitely.

We also don't know if when SIL said please drop them this time, whether she knew her family would be there at that specific time or if she had other plans that day too.

Exactly this.

No. SIL was at home, but not available because she'd made other plans with her own family. And she did come to the front door, but she wasn't obliged to invite MIL in because, as she'd explained by text the previous day, she wouldn't be available.

So you think it's fine for someone to ask a person to leave gifts in a porch when you're home? You wouldn't feel obliged to say hello and thanks even though you're very much available to do that?

There….. but not available. As she had already told MIL

I think @ConstanceM is joking. 😂

WTF

How do you know she's a free loader in her PJs

And why should the MIL have a key?

🤣🤣

Madness

Yes, I do. We don't even know that the SIL wants these freebies from MIL's work (don't know why you keep referring to them as "gifts"?). MIL has been dropping off these freebies to her son for a long time before SIL was even in a relationship with him and has left them in the porch before (which OP has repeatedly posted isn't a problem). Given that SIL and MIL see each other regularly, one might imagine the handing over of the freebies could have been delayed until they next saw each other, which leads me to think they must be perishable, but OP hasn't confirmed this. Either way, these freebies are not "gifts" for SIL and MIL should have done what she normally does when no-one's available to receive them (as she was warned no-one would be) i.e. left them in the porch!

I've been hesitating to say this - I'm aware that most people on this thread agree with you - but I keep wondering whether there is some kind of class divide here.

My family background is working class. (My generation is a bit better off, but the old habits are still there.)

On Mumsnet, the consensus of opinion seems to be that people shouldn't drop in on relatives without prior arrangement. This is just alien to most people of my age and background.

The MIL was doing as she was asked. Genuinely, most members of my family would have done the same in her place: "Oh, she's still in. It would be rude not to knock, just to say that I have [whatever] and then go."

(The exceptions in my family would be some of those with ASD: they'd be relieved not to interact.)

Maybe it's not just a class issue - perhaps it's generational or varies from area to area?

Can we just decide that MIL works at a butchers and these are BIL's sausages.

It would seem MIL always comes and drops off on a Tuesday if SIL text her on Monday to say she wasn't available
Which would make you think it's something like MIL works in a factory or restaurant or something where she gets the leftovers on a Tuesday which she drops round there and then so they're still fresh
Which would be why SIL (who spend more time than required with MIL tbh) couldn't offer to come a different day

Sausages?

How do you know SIL "wanted her to come with the stuff"? All we can know is that SIL agreed for MIL to drop off the stuff - not that she wanted her to.

She was told to leave the stuff in the porch it didn’t matter whether there people in the house or not your mum had no right to knock on the door knowing she had been told the leave the stuff in the porch your mum was rude to knock on the door just because people where in maybe next time she will follow a simple instruction and not decided to do whatever she feels like.

Right! I would drop the gifts and scuttle away - as they are obviously busy. (Just like they said they were!)

Perhaps SIL’s family is feral and she’s too embarrassed to introduce them. Maybe her DM is jealous of her relationship with your DM, and SIL doesn’t want to set her off. Perhaps they had something important going on and SIL didn’t have the brain space to think about your DM’s feelings on the matter. Either way, if the relationship is good with your DM, they can sort it out themselves.

Your mum is being over sensitive (as are you). Your SIL wasn’t wrong, she had other guests there who she was spending time with. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t like your mum, she was just busy with something else at that time, as your mum knew she would be (although did not know what yet ‘something else’ was) before she got there.

I honestly don't think it's a class or a generational thing. (My dad was working class and my mum middle class so I'm not sure where that places me!). I think it's more what is culturally acceptable within families. In my family we never dropped in to see people (extended family included) without making a prior arrangement to visit. It was also considered rude to phone family and friends before 9am or after 9pm (apparently people thought if you had a call that early or that late someone in the family must have died! 😂). My husband's family are the same, but once, before we were married, he tried to tell me otherwise and convinced me that his aunt and uncle wouldn't mind if we just "dropped in" to see them despite my protestations that we should phone first to check. I can't tell you the toe-curlingly embarrassing visit we had with them when having knocked on the door a few times they eventually appeared around the corner of the house in gardening gear and wellies up to their ears in muck and dirt. They were having a pre-winter tidy up and the last thing they needed was unexpected visitors. They graciously invited us into the kitchen for a cup of tea and a chat but it was absolutely clear we were being a massive inconvenience to them. I've never let my husband forget this and ever since we've always made prior arrangements to visit people. 😂

She told her to drop the things off.

They are things, we don't know what things, that Mil gives to the household for free. Gifts is a shorthand, but people are assuming perishables, whatever. I would really like to think that her kindness would entitle her to a greeting at least.

People are talking like she's being a nuisance by bringing them free stuff which they obviously hate. If that's the case then say no thank you. But that's not the information we've been given. Normally sil seems to appreciate and welcome her mil according to the op.

It feels a bit that the MiL is being used for her freebies. It was rude not to ask her in and it’s really bizarre that the families haven’t met after 4 years of living together.