Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

I don't think either are in the wrong. Your sil maybe didn't want to say her family would be there but she made it clear she wanted the whatever-it-was left in the porch. Your mum was maybe confused that people were there given she assumed your sil was out, so knocked as it seemed better to give someone sonething than leave it in the porch.

But why is she so upset? If it were me, I'd maybe just feel embarrassed I had appeared to try to intrude.

I agree with this. Sounds like they've got a good relationship that has been suiting your mum, and on this occasion the SIL is occupied - she's entitled to be! How can it be rude not to invite someone in when you said in advance you weren't available? Unreasonable, unfair reaction from your mum.
I wonder how often SIL's parents call round to hang out with your brother.

I don't think SIL has done anything wrong. There may be good reasons why she didn't want to invite your mum in that she didn't want to share.

I don't think your mum has don't anything wrong either necessarily, except blow this out of proportion.

She needs to move on and so do you.

Of course you don't.

I live in a wonderland obviously, my Evri lady is on first name terms with my dog.

without more details..

SIL could be a cow only with her partner to benefit from the freebies (unlikely)

SIL could be insisting on having the freebies delivered fresh within 2 hours several times a month

SIL could be just a nice person putting up with her MIL and showing gratitude for the gifts by inviting her several times a month (that's a lot of MIL for 1 person)

SIL could be mortified because she was stressed and having an argument or something and it didn't occur to her to invite the MIL in.

SIL could be trying to put boundaries and make clear that "i am not available that day" means " I am not available" while still trying to be pleasant.

Who the hell know?

The only thing we do know is that somehow the MIL is not bringing stuff to her son, and not dropping stuff when HE is around. Why is that?

None of this is relevant as the SIL knew her MIl was coming and should have arranged for her to come at a time when she could be polite to her.

The only circumstance this is acceptable is if the SIL is unable to stop her MIL visiting her. We do not know if this is the case. If MIL is dropping round even when told not to, it's fine to ignore her. Otherwise, it's rude no matter the excuse.

I don't think she had to invite her in necessarily, but to have her leave gifts in the porch when you're able to say hi and thanks is rude.

SIL wasn't wrong. But you obviously agree she was

Your mother is an adult who has been an adult for a long time. She knows what she is doing when she rings a doorbell...

SIL might have just found out a relative died, had family come to discuss crisis or even come around to discuss something which would a surprise for your family (anyone have a big birthday coming up on either side?) She had no reason or need to tell your MIL this and your MIL (and you) have to no right to question her about it

You won't tell your brother because you know it's an overreaction

I am glad that I don't live in the same wonderland, because it works for me that my deliveries happen whether I am home or not, and that courier don't wait for me to open the door to leave my stuff.

Asking her to drop and go when she knew that she would be in makes it sound as though she's the SIL is treating the MIL like a delivery person or hired help. It just seems discourteous.

They leave it if I'm not home. Like is supposed to happen.

Precisely.

she told her she wasn't available, how is that not clear that it was NOT a convenient time?

What else did you want her to say? Beg her not to turn up?

It's your SIL that's odd with this. If you know you will be home, why ask for things to be left in the porch? Why not say i have family coming and I want to spend time with them?

I would have also knocked, I think it's odd to leave something in the porch rather than hand it over when the person is home.

I don't think your SIL needed to invite her in if that's not what she wanted but she shouldn't have told your mum drop things off at the same time as she had guests. Bizarre!

If she'd said don't come then fine, but she didn't. She said for her come anyway but to drop the free stuff in the porch. So she wanted her to come with the stuff, just didn't want to acknowledge her. Rude.

If it is any help to your Mum some families like to have their own "space" on in law or out law side. Traditional families sometimes invite everybody in that turns up at the door. If I had family I did not see frequently I would like time with them on my own. Similar to a pecking order so I can understand why the sister in law was holding space between the two families

No. SIL instructed MIL to courier round the gift knowing she would be home but planning to ignore her. The plan was for MIL to courier the gift then silently vanish, having fulfilled her role as delivery person.

This is fine if SIL is not home is very ill or has some sort of crisis. This is rude if SIL knows she is home and can at least say hello.

However, if MIL won't be told to do it on another day, it's also understandable.

If SIL could have simply have arranged another time where she could say hi then she should have.

Er.....No! 😉

She wasn’t rude! She texted to say she was busy, the Mail decided it wasn’t important and ignored it and then got her knickers in a twist because she wasn’t let in regardless. That is rude! The MIL is massively overstepping with the constant cleaning and expectations of being accommodated anyway.

She's a rent free - free loader, working from home in her PJs and thinking she owns the house, it's an absolute disgrace. MIL should have the house keys ANYWAY!!!!!

Not available is not available. Knocking when you know someone has said they are not available is rude. Knocking more than once until they are forced to answer is incredibly rude.

I think this is one of those situations where everybody was a bit right and a bit wrong.

If she knew she was having guests, your SIL should have told your mum she was busy so please drop off another time.

Your mother was wrong to ring the doorbell when she saw guests inside

your SIL was wrong not to say Oh Sandra, there you are. My sister came over to chat about something, come on in and say hello.

Your mum would have been wrong not to say "Oh hi marian, lovely to meet you but I'll be going now - no I won't have a coffee"

I really love my MIL and she has been a prop and support to me (and I to her) but I do remember one time when my uncle (very close to my family) died and she kindly came down to the funeral and went to the funeral lunch/afternoon thing afterwards. Then my eldest cousin invited all the cousins over to his house that evening - and she came with us. I just really wanted her to say "No, I'll stay here you go to the family thing without me" but she didn't. And it felt different to me because I was kind of minding her as was dh instead of hanging with my cousins at a rare family get together.

I felt that in the moment. Wouldn't have dreamt of saying it to her and got over it.

I think your mum should let it go OP and just chalk it up to one of those situations which get sprung on you and in retrospect a different approach might have made more sense.

We found MIL and she's been on the sherry

This.
I think it is incredibly rude and also strange, surely you would say “my family are here, would you like to say hello”? Type of thing. Your Mum sounds as though she would have been sensitive of their arrangement and not stayed too long.

But she’s not rude, is she? She sees her MIL quite a bit. They get along. So clearly not usually rude.

I can’t fathom these people who jump to the worst possible interpretation when the relationship otherwise is smooth and harmonious. This woman is not usually a rude jerk, why would she suddenly become one now? She said she was busy and couldn’t chat that particular day, that was true, who knows what she was talking to her family about but she was clearly not able to share that day.

One day against years of a smooth relationship with kindness on both sides? It’s like people are looking for reasons to fall out.