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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

964 replies

ThatRubyMoose · 13/02/2025 18:48

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

OP posts:
AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 13/02/2025 23:15

@WellsAndThistles Poor SIL, sounds like MIL is totally suffocating her and buying affection with endless gifts.

How the heck did you get that from what OP has said? You've completely fabricated that.
OP's mum has always given her son the freebies and you've twisted that to "endless gifts" 🙄

AngelicKaty · 13/02/2025 23:16

LilacLilias · 13/02/2025 23:07

Are these perishable items MIL is bringing?

I was just wondering the same thing because OP's told us this isn't the first time MIL has left stuff in the porch when SIL hasn't been at home or has been on a work call, and if they're not perishable, why can't MIL deliver them at a later date when SIL is available (particularly as they seem to see each other regularly anyway)?

2Rebecca · 13/02/2025 23:16

I think SIL should have told her mil she was unavailable and not to visit. If I had people round I wouldn't expect other people to travel and drop stuff off in my porch. Mil shouldn't have knocked though and respected SIL's privacy

TheWonderhorse · 13/02/2025 23:16

BreezyScroller · 13/02/2025 23:08

if someone tells you to leave something outside, it means they politely ask you not to come 😂

On what planet is that polite?

orzomushroom · 13/02/2025 23:17

LittleBigHead · 13/02/2025 22:29

Hmmmm, yes your SiL was busy with her family.

BUT ...

It would have been polite and kind and just , well, human to invite her MiL inside to meet her family. If they get on and she knows that her MiL isn't intrusive and will say a nice "Hello, good to meet you, I just brought this for SiL" and then take her leave.

It could be that SiL was dealing with a tricky situation with her mother or something like that, but a quick "Arghh, lovely to see you, thanks so much for X. Really sorry - it's a nightmare in there - can we meet up on Wednesday?" would have been kind.

We all go on so much about accepting in-laws/step-DC etc etc as part of a family - it takes everyone to try to make that work. And sometimes, to make it work, we need to do something we may not otherwise naturally do.

This is a sensible level headed response in the real world …but in imaginary Mumsnet land your reply will be considered outrageous 😂

Justanotherperson2025 · 13/02/2025 23:17

@AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring Not to mention, MIL backed off from dropping round at the start of the relationship and SIL explicitly invited her to do so. And it's 2 or 3 times a month, for a coffee, which is hardly an imposition, unless you just don't like the person.

TheWonderhorse · 13/02/2025 23:17

thing47 · 13/02/2025 23:10

She isn't bringing HER gifts, though, is she. She's bringing her son gifts, as is clear from the fact that the habit of dropping off freebies pre-dates SIL's arrival on the scene.

If someone warns you that they won't be available and you decide to turn up anyway, that is 100% on you.

She was available. She just didn't want to come to the door.

Onlyonekenobe · 13/02/2025 23:18

DreamW3aver · 13/02/2025 19:53

I'm sure there are lots of reasons, can you really not think of a single one?

It would be odder for the first meeting between the two parties to consist of hello/nice to see you/bye

Actually no, I can't. If SIL's mum was having a medical emergency I'd expect SIL to say something like "oh hi - sorry, my mum's just having a thing, I need to rush back - call you later? Thanks for the stuff" and then close the door. Not "didn't you get my text asking you to just leave the stuff in the porch?". The more I think about it, the ruder it is.

And honestly, this not-meeting-but-hearing/knowing is way, way odder than a 5 minute "just came to drop some stuff over, so nice to meet you, wish I could stay but need to go, hope we can meet properly soon" or something.

LAMPS1 · 13/02/2025 23:19

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday

Not being available sort of half implies, to me at least, that she wouldn’t be in.
Expectmg her MIL to drop stuff off and not expecting her to be surprised at the sound of unusual voices inside the house is rather ignorant if you ask me. As is SIL’s failure to introduce her family. Why couldn’t she have said something like …’I’m having people round on Tuesday so it’s not convenient to see you, please can you leave it until Wednesday’

Maybe her MIL was being nosy or maybe she she was slightly concerned as she was obviously expecting the house to be empty.

I think your normally lovely SIL could have been more lovely about it ….honest and thoughtful too, - and then it wouldn’t have been a problem to anybody at all.

AngelicKaty · 13/02/2025 23:20

TheWonderhorse · 13/02/2025 23:17

She was available. She just didn't want to come to the door.

No, SIL wasn't available (as she'd texted MIL the day before) but came to the door anyway when MIL knocked for the second time.

TheWonderhorse · 13/02/2025 23:23

AngelicKaty · 13/02/2025 23:20

No, SIL wasn't available (as she'd texted MIL the day before) but came to the door anyway when MIL knocked for the second time.

But she was! She did come to the door, so she absolutely could have invited her in or the bare minimum said hello and thank you. If it had been a courier then she'd have done that, but her MIL isn't worth the effort.

Hankunamatata · 13/02/2025 23:25

Sil hasn't done anything wrong. She was busy with her guests, she asked your mum to leave the stuff. Then your mum overstepped by knocking the door twice. Even if she hadn't been told to leave stuff in the porch I wouldn't have invited her in because I was busy with othe people.

So your mum ibu and way too sensitive

gunsnrosacea · 13/02/2025 23:25

AngelicKaty · 13/02/2025 23:11

Maybe SIL isn't remotely interested in the freebies, but doesn't want to offend her MIL by refusing them (particularly when her DP has been accepting them for years before SIL was in a relationship with him).
And why would SIL "be upset if she (MIL) didn't acknowledge there was someone in when she called"? The visitors that SIL already had there were nothing to do with MIL, and SIL had made it clear the day before she wouldn't be available for MIL to visit at that time.

I live in a different space and time. Enjoy your boundaries and lonliness

Justanotherperson2025 · 13/02/2025 23:26

TheWonderhorse · 13/02/2025 23:17

She was available. She just didn't want to come to the door.

Yep.

Thirteenblackcat · 13/02/2025 23:27

TheWonderhorse · 13/02/2025 23:17

She was available. She just didn't want to come to the door.

She wasn’t available. She has explicitly told MIL that.

She had guests and wasn’t available

BreezyScroller · 13/02/2025 23:28

TheWonderhorse · 13/02/2025 23:23

But she was! She did come to the door, so she absolutely could have invited her in or the bare minimum said hello and thank you. If it had been a courier then she'd have done that, but her MIL isn't worth the effort.

if it had been a courier, she would have done.. what? invite the courier in for a cup of tea? 😂😂

What are you on about!

Justanotherperson2025 · 13/02/2025 23:29

BreezyScroller · 13/02/2025 23:28

if it had been a courier, she would have done.. what? invite the courier in for a cup of tea? 😂😂

What are you on about!

Pretty sure she meant she would have said hello and thank you to a courier, acknowledged their existence, instead of apparently being surprised they didn't just drop the goods then vanish.

FrangipaniBlue · 13/02/2025 23:29

Is it possible her family are mad as a box of frogs and she is embarrassed by them hence why you've not met them and she didn't want to invite MIL in?

Justanotherperson2025 · 13/02/2025 23:30

TheWonderhorse · 13/02/2025 23:17

She was available. She just didn't want to come to the door.

Correct, she was inarguably available. She was right there, closing the door in her MILs face.

SIL handled it badly. Unless there is a backstory about MIL constantly overstepping boundaries, it was undeniably unkind.

I cannot imagine turning ANY family member away from my front door in these circumstances. It's just rude, no matter how you paint it.

There really isn't any question about whether or not SIL was rude to MIL, she was. The only real question is whether it was justified, if there's more to it than this.

Family don't treat one another like this, unless they don't actually like one another very much, or there is something else going on.

BreezyScroller · 13/02/2025 23:30

no

not being available means just that.. not available
for whatever reason.

On top of everything else, she works from home!

She doesn't have to justify what she is doing and why she is not available for visitors!

TheWonderhorse · 13/02/2025 23:32

BreezyScroller · 13/02/2025 23:28

if it had been a courier, she would have done.. what? invite the courier in for a cup of tea? 😂😂

What are you on about!

Answered the door, said hello and thank you. Like you do when people bring you things.

Mumsnet is insane.

BreezyScroller · 13/02/2025 23:32

I cannot imagine turning ANY family member away from my front door in these circumstances. It's just rude, no matter how you paint it.

nonsense.

you visit a supplier working from home, it could be your massage therapist, hairdresser, your accountant, anyone you pay for a services.

How professional of them to interrupt your paid appointment to open the door and host a family member. On which planet would anyone do that?

BreezyScroller · 13/02/2025 23:33

TheWonderhorse · 13/02/2025 23:32

Answered the door, said hello and thank you. Like you do when people bring you things.

Mumsnet is insane.

I don't say "hello" to couriers? 😂😂

They drop things at the door and go, they wouldn't even wait for me to come downstairs and open the door anyway?

Justanotherperson2025 · 13/02/2025 23:33

Justanotherperson2025 · 13/02/2025 23:30

Correct, she was inarguably available. She was right there, closing the door in her MILs face.

SIL handled it badly. Unless there is a backstory about MIL constantly overstepping boundaries, it was undeniably unkind.

I cannot imagine turning ANY family member away from my front door in these circumstances. It's just rude, no matter how you paint it.

There really isn't any question about whether or not SIL was rude to MIL, she was. The only real question is whether it was justified, if there's more to it than this.

Family don't treat one another like this, unless they don't actually like one another very much, or there is something else going on.

So yeah, unless your mum has been overstepping boundaries and there is more to it than this, your SIL was available, and of course it is rude to take a freebie and send someone on their way like a courier without a good reason, let alone family.

There may be more to it than you are telling us OP. If there is really no more than this, your mum should just back off, be polite, say nothing and can the free gifts and chats, and just catch up with SIL from time to time, around othe rfamily members.

Justanotherperson2025 · 13/02/2025 23:35

BreezyScroller · 13/02/2025 23:33

I don't say "hello" to couriers? 😂😂

They drop things at the door and go, they wouldn't even wait for me to come downstairs and open the door anyway?

So, you answer the door and just stare at them? And you don't answer the door when they knock?

Each to their own. I always answer the door to any parcel delivery person who knocks, smile and say thanks.

If they are dropping things off without knocking I wouldn't know they were there necessarily.

Which is not of course what is under discussion.

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