Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

Only on MN could your DM.have "rudely knocked on the door" How can you rudely knock on a door? This is her MIL who she meets regularly and happily takes gifts from. Perhaps she wrongly assumed she was welcome.

She is ordered to drop stuff off in the porch like some kind of serf whilst she entertains others inside, your dm being the cheeky interloper demanding of attention which is on this occasion unworthy of her attention or time.

Shes shown her true colours op. Your DM.needs to back off, not because she is an unworthy nuisance but because SIL is.a rude, dismissive, entitled person.

Yes, I wondered that.

My mother does not overstep

She did though! What she did was the very definition of over-stepping. If you continue to argue that she doesn't intrude or overstep when, by your own account, that's what she did in this case, then it's impossible to make you see SIL side of this. You're too far down the mother-can-do-no-wrong hole. She didn't do much wrong, but if you can't see that she overstepped in this case, then the whole thread is pointless.

So having been told that SIL wasn't available, your mum is now upset because SIL wasn't available? Have I got that right...?

Surely if you've told someone the day before that you're not going to be available, it's not rude to actually be, you know, unavailable?

I need SIL to find this thread so she can tell everyone, even though it’s clearly written in the OP, that she does not ask MIL to bring anything and that MIL brings the freebies for her son as she has been doing since before they even fucking met.

Arghhhhh.

Exactly this. In a million years I would never ask my mother in law to just courier me some free stuff and leave quietly without knocking. If you make the trip to a person's house to give them a gift and that person happens to be home you are invited in as a matter of course.

I genuinely can’t figure out what the problem here is?

In the real world adults, even self reported MIL, can handle experiencing the minor set back of having rocked up at someone’s home and workplace and not been asked in.

Was it somehow embarrassing that son’s gf, having other guests, did not ask bf’s mother inside? I mean: ok? Perhaps BF’s mother only realized after she knocked for attention that gf had visitors who took priority over a casual drop in from someone she sees rather frequently. But so what? Is the bf’s mother not capable of sating “oh, sorry, didn’t realize” as one does when accidentally intruding on someone who is working, in the bathroom, or attending to other needs?

Why is OP even posting here? I mean: its kind of an interesting problem in interpretation but only if neither OP’s mother nor OP can handle the fact that occasionally even good chums don’t have infinite time for one another.

This poor “DIL” —she has had a four year pretty good run of her bf’s mother coming over for playdates with the excuse of free goodies (shudder) from her place if business. They obviously aren’t free if the one time she can’t accept them directly with fulsome thanks and the offer of attention the “MIL” runs off to weep on OP and complain of cruel treatment.

Quite surprised at the gist of the majority here. Wouldn’t dream of treating my MIL that way.

Why sil not just say not available as has guests and arrange another time for your mum to go, rather than just get her to drop off stuff when she clearly home and not working
she is doing them a favour dropping the things to them after all. But mumsnet is like another world to me, with the way people behave , not what i encounter in real life

I'm with the majority here.
Not sure why it is about SiL as it is your mother who overstepped. She was clearly told it wasn't possible for her to come in, yet she knocked, and continued to knock despite that.
SiL wasn't rude, she was protecting boundaries.
If this were written from SiL's perspective, and she stated that she'd told her MiL it wasn't convenient to come round but she still did, everyone would be congratulating her on maintaining her boundaries.

But I'm also wondering how people can be in a committed enough relationship to be living together for 4 years, and to live relatively locally, and yet never think to have invited both families round at the same time. (House warming / One or other Birthday / Christmas / BBQ / just drinks)

The entire reason it's rude is asking your mother to courier her a gift over and drop it at the door like a courier would when she knew she would be home with other family.

Imagine the sort of weirdos who think that's normal? Jeez.

Your poor mum just knocked because she was surprised anyone was home, as any normal person would.

I think it's pretty obvious your SIL doesn't actually like her very much.

From now on, she should just see the SIL organically, when it happens along with other family. I am so sorry for your poor mum's hurt feelings, she would have felt like a right clown having the door shut in her face. Cannot imagine doing that to someone's mum, let alone my husband's mum. Just rotten behaviour.

There's nothing your mum can do about that, but she should stop with the gift giving and stop with the catch ups. Just be nice and polite and let it all go, because you can't make people like you or be kind to you and asking about it will only make it worse and turn it into a drama.

I think saying she has family over is absolutely fine, but I would absolutely answer the door to thank her at the very least. I can totally see why DM is upset.

I would love to hear the SIL side of the story.

We have threads and threads of people pissed off that their MIL keeps bringing stuff they don't want, we don't know what or why MIL keeps bringing lord knows what - and not to her own son.

I wonder if it's the free stuff rather than the catch ups that your SIL has been most interested in.
I wonder if she's having argument with her partner telling him to deal with his bloody mother and her stuff and constant intrusions 😂

WHY is it always the woman's problem? Why is it all about SIL, never the SON?

I would have long told my partner to arrange the delivery/ collection with his mother and to leave me well out of it, especially when I am at home WORKING 😂

Yes, the SIL side of the story might be different, of course.

I can only go on what we've been told, and on that basis I think that not inviting a family member in and asking them to courier round a gift and leave it there then leave quietly like a good courier - when you know you will be home with family and are planning not to acknowledge your mil - well I think that's really unkind.

But yes, there might be backstory of course.

In this instance, the relationship is between the MIL and the SIL. If indeed there is a backstory then yes the son should step up.

But going on what we've been told, I believe my response is fair.

Didn't bother reading OP's very first post then? SIL did answer the door after MIL knocked a second time.

Maybe sil also benefits from the freebies so is happy to have mil deliver them. Maybe mil thought sil would be upset if she didn’t acknowledge there was someone in when she called. Either way I can’t imagine leaving a family member on the door step but hey we’re all different.

I did, thank you.

But she had told her to leave the stuff in the porch, so clearly didn't want her to knock, even though she was bringing her gifts. Imagine someone bringing you a present and you seeing other people so you tell her to leave them outside? Rude.

Me neither.

Are these perishable items MIL is bringing?

I'd love to hear the other side of the story, because there's a big difference between "oh please, do drop xyz on that day at that time"

and "well, if you must.. I am not available, but if you insist you can leave them on the porch because I won't be here/ I will be on a conference call so cannot answer the door, why can't you come when your son is home"?

You see what I mean? It's all well and good to say you are doing people a favour, but do they actually want it?

It's like a grand-parent insisting on "dropping a birthday present" for a child on a specific birthday morning (another thread). Parents had plans, it was wrong time, wrong day, inconvenient and yet, the grand-parent insisted they were doing a massive favour.

if someone tells you to leave something outside, it means they politely ask you not to come 😂

She isn't bringing HER gifts, though, is she. She's bringing her son gifts, as is clear from the fact that the habit of dropping off freebies pre-dates SIL's arrival on the scene.

If someone warns you that they won't be available and you decide to turn up anyway, that is 100% on you.

Maybe SIL isn't remotely interested in the freebies, but doesn't want to offend her MIL by refusing them (particularly when her DP has been accepting them for years before SIL was in a relationship with him).
And why would SIL "be upset if she (MIL) didn't acknowledge there was someone in when she called"? The visitors that SIL already had there were nothing to do with MIL, and SIL had made it clear the day before she wouldn't be available for MIL to visit at that time.

I do see what you mean, yes. If the SIL has only been tolerating and polite over intrusive visits it paints a different story.

I suppose it depends on whether the SIL has agency over the visits, if the MIL tells her when she will be coming or asks her. Maybe MIL won't take the hint.

I still cannot imagine leaving a family member standing on my door step though, unless I was really ill or the place was a shambles or there was some sort of problem, or I had explicitly asked them not to come - and by that I mean not to come at all, I would never ask family only to come to the door and drop something off, I'd have arranged it differently.

But yes, it would be good to know if MIL will take no, or another time and day, for an answer when she texts.