Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

[ThatRubyMoose]

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

My mother does not overstep. SiL asked my mother to let her know when she is dropping stuff off. SiL doesn’t have to ‘drop everything’. She could choose not to let Mum in BUT she chooses to take a break… the length of which is determined by SiL. When it hasn’t been convenient Mum had left stuff in porch. SiL chooses to go out with my mum on occasion

Sometimes my brother is there. I have no idea what his relationship is like with her mother.

It has never occurred to me before tonight to consider that it’s odd we haven’t met her family. I saw her in a pub once when she was with a cousin and I was with my husband, kids and friends and my husband went abroad once with my brother and her brother. We haven’t had formal introductions to the others.

Poor SIL, sounds like MIL is totally suffocating her and buying affection with endless gifts.

Maybe they were celebrating a family bday, organising a family holiday, sharing news about a terminal illness etc. MIL needs to butt out and maybe get a hobby instead as it sounds like she has nothing to occupy herself with that isnt meddling. I'm picturing the future MN posts about her as a nightmare Granny.

(Footnote - Cleaning her sons house, surprised SIL didn't get permanent ick from that.)

And OP, your mum ‘knocked twice’. SIL ‘finally’ came to the door. She was clearly v busy!

And now your Mum is ‘so upset’ and had to be talked out of calling your brother.

I can understand why you feel for your Mum and sympathise with her position and don’t want her to be upset. But trust to it all blowing over and try not to blame SIL.

MN is batshit at times with answering doors. How rude to ask someone to leave things on a porch when SIL had her family round, if the time wasn’t appropriate SIL should have said, I’d never put someone in that situation but judging by this thread there was some sort of family drama going on 😂 If I was your mum I wouldn’t be leaving any more freebies and would be taking a quiet step back.

SiL asked my mother to let her know when she is dropping stuff off.

you can translate that in different ways, one of them is that she asked to be WARNED MIL had decided to popped in, instead of turning up without warning.

She could choose not to let Mum in
the one time she does that, your mum has a discussion with you and you start a thread on MN!

SIL was perfectly reasonable

BreezyScroller No only on this occasion. She hasn’t been available a handful of times . Stuff left in porch- no issues.

I also don't think SIL was wrong. After all she didn't ask your mum to keep dropping whatever stuff it is for your brother. Really your mum should do that when your brother is home. Sounds like SIL has generally been pretty welcoming but she shouldn't have to include her MIL in her plans whenever she decides to pop round.

.

Honestly if I got to a door being told hey we are busy to find a whole house full of people I’d be backing away fast and quiet there would be no instinct to knock unless I was angry about it basically making known I thought they had lied and wanted to be invited in knowing I wasn’t wanted. It’s boundary stomping.

Your mum wanted invited in because she felt offended that she wasn’t good enough to be invited in the one time the dil had other people she was with.

Agreed

But nowhere does it say she's doing SIL a favour.

What is this stuff your mum gets from work that she gives to your B and SIL every week??

It sounds a little bit like your SIL tolerates your mum for the free stuff, but that could be me reading too much into your posts.

double post

You clearly are only going to take your mother's side, despite several replies on your thread advising otherwise.

What if, after she had rudely knocked on the door she had discovered that your sil was ' entertaining ' a work colleague with children ? i.e. a play date including lunch

would you still be insulted on behalf of your mother

Only in Mumsnet Imaginary Land would a close relative who regularly gives your SIL free stuff knocking on the front door be taken as anything but normal.

Only in Mumsnet Imaginary Land would turning them away be deemed normal.

Of course your mother just instinctively knocked. I daresay she wasn't expecting there to be anybody home and when she saw someone was assumed, wrongly, she would be welcome because that would be the normal reaction, to welcome her.

Your SIL could very easily have just arranged another time with her rather than invite her to be her gift courier and not invite her in.

Your mother did nothing wrong, she acted as a normal human on instinct at that moment. It is probably not worth making any sort of drama out of, though, as your SIL will just double down. I wonder if it's the free stuff rather than the catch ups that your SIL has been most interested in.

If I was your mum I would just continue a polite relationship, stop gift giving and catch up with her at family events.

How much do you know about her family and relationships with them? Maybe it is them that she wants to keep away from your mum rather than vice versa?

Your mum was told it wasn't a convenient time, SIL reason does not matter. If someone turns up on my doorstep and knocks repeatedly when I am already hosting, I would not let them in either. It would be brief conversation on the doorstep, a reminder that I had told them I was busy (if I had) and ask them to come back at a more convenient time. Not ask them in to join in. Especially if it would be a first meeting of families like this.

I think your SIL would have been better saying oh I can't do that time because I have my parents coming round - then your mum could have suggested a different time or just dropped off.

I think your mum has assumed she was going to be out and seeing people there thought oh she must be in and knocked rather than realising she must have meant I am busy at that time.

Having knocked - the SIL was a bit rude not inviting her in but you don't know what was going on - they may have been discussing something private and your mum being there was going to disrupt that.

I think your mum would be best to just forget it and move on and next time she is asked to drop in the porch - just drop in the porch even if it looks like there is someone in.

She could choose not to let Mum in

Hmmm, what like this time?! When she does choose not to let your mum in, your mum gets really upset and wants to ring her son to complain!!

I

Hmmmm, yes your SiL was busy with her family.

BUT ...

It would have been polite and kind and just , well, human to invite her MiL inside to meet her family. If they get on and she knows that her MiL isn't intrusive and will say a nice "Hello, good to meet you, I just brought this for SiL" and then take her leave.

It could be that SiL was dealing with a tricky situation with her mother or something like that, but a quick "Arghh, lovely to see you, thanks so much for X. Really sorry - it's a nightmare in there - can we meet up on Wednesday?" would have been kind.

We all go on so much about accepting in-laws/step-DC etc etc as part of a family - it takes everyone to try to make that work. And sometimes, to make it work, we need to do something we may not otherwise naturally do.

I can’t be the only person surprised that people think that, if you’ve been told someone is busy on a certain day and to just drop something at the door, it’s a perfectly normal reaction that when you notice the person has house guests, you’d instinctively knock and keep knocking until they answered because why on earth wouldn’t you?

The normal reaction would be to do the opposite and walk away, no?

Feel like I am going mad. 😆

Exactly this. SIL was happy for MIL to bring her free stuff but treated her like a delivery person keeping her at the door.

Run SIL, run. Your SIL is starting on you now 😬

Sil was happy for mil to drop off the sons freebies of which mil has been doing for many many years but informed mil she would be unavailable to her.

Is the true story. Not dils freebies. It’s the sons that his mother has been dropping off for years before dil was on the scene.

SIL handled it badly.
I think she could have rearranged with your mum so the awkward situation didn't occur at all.
As it stands your lot don't know her lot and you're not privy to the reason behind this.
Your mum bleating to your brother is not the way forward imo.
SIL is entitled to privacy, but not to expect your mum to drop and run 'freebies' (whatever they are)
Might be better if freebies are collected in future?

Disagree with all the rude people who think it’s ok to ask your mil to leave free things at your door as if your a courier while you entertain your family inside.

SIL said she wasn’t available and to drop the stuff off. She didn’t say she wasn't going to be home. I’d never be so rude as to expect someone I knew to deliver something as if they were a courier when I was home, that just the height of rudeness, but not surprised by how many people on MN think it’s fine to treat others that way.

SIL should have said that’s not a good time I have people here can we do another time.