DS’s friend – would this bother you?

[dima201069]

DS (8) has a friend from school, let’s call him Tom. He’s a nice enough lad, but some things about him (or rather his parents) are starting to niggle at me, and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or just a bit PFB about it.

Tom’s been coming round quite a bit after school, which is fine, but he never seems to have had any actual dinner before he gets here – always says he’s ‘starving’ and hoovers up anything I put in front of him. I don’t mind giving him a snack, but the other day he asked if we had “anything more filling” after he’d already had toast and fruit. I asked if he’d had tea at home, and he said, “Nah, we don’t usually eat till late.” (This was 5:30, so not that early!)

He’s also started asking if he can stay later and later – last week he was here till nearly 8 before I had to text his mum asking if she was picking him up. She replied, “Oh, is he still there? Sorry, lost track of time!” This has happened more than once. I don’t mind DS having friends over, but I don’t want to be running a free after-school club!

Other minor things – he’s a bit cheeky (but not outright rude), leaves a mess without thinking, and once when I was making tea for DS and DD, he asked if he could have some too! I feel bad because he’s only a kid, and DS really likes him, but I can’t shake the feeling his parents are taking the piss a bit.

WIBU to start setting some firmer boundaries? And how would you handle it without making things awkward for DS?

His parents are obviously using you for free childcare. It's your house so decide what works for you.

I'd be more concerned that he is being neglected to be honest.

At best they are being cheeky, at worst they genuinely don't seem to give a shit where their child is which is very sad - and quite worrying.

Do you know the family? Could there be any abuse/neglect concerns?
If no, then definitely start putting in boundaries. Its not up to you to feed another child if they have food at home.

If they don't - that's a different outcome entirely.

This.

Not really because it wouldn't bother me to feed him. Also lots of people eat later in the evening. Having had tea by 5.30 is quite early.

If he's over that often I would have same rules that I would expect of my own kids. I.e of he's made a mess, I'd be asking him to tidy it up. His parents sound like they don't care about him.

I'd never deny a child food, I would actively encourage feeding him so he doesnt feel the need to ask - but I would make it clear what house rules we observe.

Tom, tidy up your pots, Tom, can you please move those dishes, Tom, can you help with XYZ while I'm doing dinner, Tom, can you take the rubbish out for me while I doing dinner.... Show him the rules of your house if he is in your house.

It's not a hotel. If he refuses, then that's another story.

How is he getting to your house? Does he live nearby and knocks on your door?

I work FT and wouldn’t have time for this BS.

it’d be a hard no and I’d be telling my child to play with Tom in school if he likes him so much.

If he knocked I’d send him home and tell him not to knock again he can see your son on school.

the parents are a cheeky bastards

I wouldn't mind feeding him snacks after school but he would go home before tea time. We need to sort homework before tea and bedtime after tea.

I feed hungry boys lots af vegs and brown bread.

Ask him to pick things up. He might not have been taught at home.

I had a friend like this but my mum & dad saw that she was neglected & treated her well & had the same rules as us in the house. Years later as an adult she very often thanked my parents and said our home was her sanctuary & made the difference to her childhood. Don't punish the child for having crap parents.

I asked if he’d had tea at home, and he said, “Nah, we don’t usually eat till late.” (This was 5:30, so not that early!)

That would be very early for some families to eat. I'm wondering whether his parents are just assuming that if you're agreeing to have him over to play, you're also happy to give him dinner. The fact that his parents apparently forgot that he was still at your house at 8pm is a worry. I mean... where did they think he was?! It also sounds like boundaries/manners maybe aren't something he's been taught.

In short, I think the parents are the problem here, not the child. How well do you know his parents? I think I might be a bit concerned about the child here, because I'm wondering whether one of the reasons he comes to yours so often is because his home life is chaotic or even a bit neglectful.

Are you neighbours? Is he just coming over and knocking asking to play or is your son inviting him? Is someone bringing him over?

His mum didn't realise where her 8 year old son was?! Together with him always being really hungry and I'd be worried that he's being neglected.

Poor little lad. He obviously finds a comfort in your home. As long as DS is happy with his friend around I would let him stay and feed him but I would treat him like I treat my children as opposed to an occasional guest. Like tell him to tidy up with DS etc.
But then I'm a sucker feeding stray cats as well 🤣

What has happened to the caring society I grew up in? Regularly had tea at other pals houses and they had tea at mine.
A few years ago Dd had a friend who went to brownies with her, friends mum had a baby and I saw her struggling to get to the hut to pick her Dd up - so I offered to drop her off. Did that for months, just because.
DDs pal occasionally turned up after school to play - never considered not feeding her at tea time.

He lives a few streets away, so sometimes his mum drops him off after school, but other times he just turns up on his own and knocks. I don’t mind the occasional unplanned playdate, but it’s becoming a bit of a pattern now. If I say DS is busy or we’ve got plans, he just sort of lingers on the doorstep like he’s hoping I’ll change my mind! Feels a bit awkward, tbh.

I don’t want to be mean, but I’m starting to feel like the default childcare option, and I don’t even know if his parents realise how often he’s here! WIBU to just start saying no more often?

Times have really changed. When I was younger this used to be a normal thing to go around your friends house and sometimes have tea, a snack, a drink or whatever. Rarely would we be made to sit and watch the family eat either being told to come back later once tea was finished or join them.
I plan to carry this on with my own DC but Nowadays this is frowned upon and a child/their parents are seen as a CF. Also actual communication and expectations between parents seems non existent.

You don't actually know what is going on at home for him and its quite telling, with his mum not even knowing where he is at 8pm, he may not actually have any food after school until toast (or something) before bed or he might not even get anything at all.

Well it could be his parent/s taking the mick or he doesn't have a great home life.

It's not your responsibility to take on a neglected child.

He can have a slice of marmite or peanut butter on toast and a drink and leave at 6.30om at the latest.

"Oscar isn't at home. Off you go".
He'll soon work it out.

There's no harm sending him home while having dinner

I'd feed him a meal it sounds as tho he's being negated at home

You’re right, I probably just need to be a bit firmer about it. I think I’ve been too polite up until now, but I’m not running a canteen! Next time he’s here around tea time, I’ll just say, “Right, we’re having dinner now, time to head home,” and see how that goes. Hopefully, he gets the hint without it being awkward.

You’ve got to be strong OP you are being a doormat and this other mum is getting free childcare and food for her son. Like you I don’t mind play dates every once in a while. But it takes the piss if they are not reciprocated. Instead tell CF mum that your kid is coming to her house instead a few times, as you have to work after school. That will quickly put her off. Though one thing do try and keep an eye on your son’s friend re: food, when he does come over, do give him food if he asks - hes maybe just a greedy growing boy, but, maybe he doesn’t get much at home. This isn’t your problem but if you notice something you can tell the school.